| Kellner In Excelsis By Wwolfe |
| Disclaimer: This is (obviously) satire, and as such is clearly protected by the First Amendment, as determined by a number of landmark court cases. So nyah, nyah, nyah. Archive- Please email request. Feedback- Absolutely. ******************* (The following is the full transcipt of Jamie Kellner's appearance at the annual Media Week, held in Pasadena. The scene was the inner sanctum of Media Central, the Biltmore Hotel in downtown Pasadena. Prior to Kellner's entrance, two undulating dancers, clad only in gold spray paint (a la Shirley Eaton in "Goldfinger") re-enacted Salome's "Dance of the Seventh Veils" as a taped recording of The Man Himself declared in heavily amplified tones, "I am the One True Kellner! All other Kellners must bow before me!" At the conclusion of this, an anonymous toady introduced Herr K.) ANONYMOUS TOADY: Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor to introduce the former head of the WB, and the new president of Ted Turner's Mighty Broadcasting Empire, Jamie Kellner. (Wild applause as an animatronic unicorn flies down from the ceiling, bearing Kellner on its back. After alighting on the stage, Kellner approaches the microphone.) KELLNER: First, let's make sure that the anonymous toady who introduced me is sacrificed to the Great Goat God. Anyone who has had the supreme honor of rubbing unguents on my alabaster form must be sacrificed to the Great Goat God. It's a rule. OK, questions? Entreaties? Pleas for mercy? REPORTER #1: Mr. Kellner, what are your plans now that you're in charge of Ted Turner's company? KELLNER: First, I plan to invade the Lowlands. Then, when I've got them just where I want them, it's on to Poland!!! REPORTER #1: Yes, but more along the lines of television, sir... KELLNER: Oh, yes - that. Well, now that Mr. Turner's marriage to Jane Fonda has ended, he has agreed to stop showing the first ten minutes of "Barbarella" on a continuous loop on all the TV sets in our main office building. REPORTER #2: Mr. Kellner, could you address the question of why the WB failed to re-new its deal with "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"? KELLNER: Look, I've made my position clear on that. "Buffy's" a nice little teen show, but it never fulfilled its potential in the way that, say, "Hyperion Bay" did. I mean, come on! That was good television! REPORTER #2: But, sir, "Buffy" is your most critically acclaimed show... KELLNER: Critics, shmitics! I eat critics for breakfast. And, in my case, that's not just a figure of speech. REPORTER #2: You really haven't answered my... KELLNER: It's easy, really. You whomp 'em on the head with a big hammer. Then, while they're stunned, you drain the blood, then skin 'em and de-bone 'em, then fry 'em up real nice and crispy on the grill. REPORTER #2: Oh, my Go-- KELLNER: Lip-smackin' good! Next question. (Kellner spies something in the crowd.) You! You there! (Points at someone.) You dare make eye contact with the Great Kellner?!? Where is my lickspittle? (A sniveling figure approaches the lectern. Kellner speaks to him.) It's happened again. Prepare the Eye Gouging Ritual for after the press conference. (Kellner turns in fury to address the crowd.) None must meet the gaze of Kellner!! None, I tell you! REPORTER #3: Sir, I hate to keep bringing up this subject, but don't you think it was misleading to advertise the season finale of "Buffy" as the "series finale"? KELLNER: There would have been no misunderstanding if our lawyers had allowed me to advertise it the way I wanted to: "The series finale because I'm going to personally hunt down everyone connected with the show and grind them into a pulpy goo, dammit!" Catchy, informative. But, noooo!! REPORTER #4: Sir, do you think it's really a good idea to pair "Angel" with "Seventh Heaven"? Were you going for a sort of religious theme there? KELLNER: Soon I shall crush you! But first, the time has come for the sick and suffering, the lame and the halt, those afflicted both in flesh and in spirit, to approach me for the laying on of hands. For, yea, I shall calm the fevered brow, soothe the troubled soul, raise up the downtrodden, and bring peace to the land. For I am Jamie Kellner, the Most High Kellner of All Kellners. Tremble in my presence, pitiful mortals! (Suddenly, a shaft of light shines down from above onto Kellner, who slowly rises up toward the ceiling, disappearing finally in a clap of thunder and a shower of sparks. Later that day, he issued a statement saying that "Popstars" would be back for a second season.) Main Menu ~ Return to "Other Worlds" Menu |