| Secret Tapes Reveal How 'Dawn' Was Cast By Wwolfe |
| Disclaimer: This is (obviously) satire, and as such is clearly protected by the First Amendment, as determined by a number of landmark court cases. So nyah, nyah, nyah. Archive- Please email request. Feedback- Absolutely. ******************* (The inner sanctum of Jamie Kellner, head of the WB. Mahogany-paneled walls stretch thirty feet high, deep-pile blood-red carpet covers the floor, water laps gently down a marble fountain, hummingbirds hover by tropical flowers, and a puma paces back and forth inside a cage made of gold bars. A buzzer sounds on Kellner's desk.) Kellner: Yes? Secretary: (Over the speaker) He's here. Kellner: Send him in. (The vault-like doors of Kellner's office open and we see Joss Whedon enter the room.) Ah! My little writer person! Whedon: Greetings, Sahib. Kellner: Well, today is an exciting WB day, little man. Today, we choose the lucky girl who will soon be beloved by millions as "Dawn" on the fabulous "Buffy the Vampire Slayer!" It's Kellner-ific! Joss: Look, all genuflection aside, oh Wise One, I really think I should be making the casting decisions. Kellner: (Laughing) You kill me, baby. That's the Whedon sense of humor we all love here at the WB. Two words: "Ha ha." Joss: Yeah, but the last time you made a decision, you thought high school principals across America would turn into 60-foot snakes. Kellner: Yes, and if I hadn't pulled that episode, who knows what might have happened? (Suddenly shouts to the room at large.) My noble brow is fevered!! (Two frightened men dressed in ancient Egyptian garb hustle out from behind a hidden door in the wall. Kellner looks at them expectantly.) Well? Where are my palm fronds? (The men naturally whip out palm fronds from behind their backs.) Fan me, sycophants! (They fan Kellner with the palm fronds. As the gentle breeze cools him, Kellner claps his hands together.) Bring on the first candidate! (The first actress enters the room. Kellner addresses Joss.) Now you'll see what it takes to run a network. Joss: Twelve gerbils and a bucket of Super-Glue? Actress #1: Hello. Kellner: Tell us about yourself. Actress #1: (Handing out 8x10 and credit sheet) As you can see, I've been acting since I was five. In addition to several guest spots on sitcoms, I had a small role in "The Lion King" on Broadway and I was in Ron Howard's last picture. Kellner: OK, honey, that's just great, but here's what I'd like to see. Grab one ankle, pull it up behind you, hop on one leg, and recite the lyrics to "Hit Me, Baby, One More Time." Actress #1: Wha--?? Kellner: (To Joss) It's all about the humiliation, baby. Joss: I can only dream of your skill. Actress #1: But... Kellner: Next! (A very confused Actress #1 is led out, while a very moppet-y young actress enters.) Actress #2: Hi, Uncle Jamie! Kellner: Oh, crap. Joss: Now wait a minute... Kellner: Next! (Actress #2 is also led out, protesting as she goes.) Actress #2: But Mom said you promised! Kellner: Tell your mother I may be her brother, but that doesn't mean I help idiots! And tell her to scrub the tile in the guest bungalow bathroom, or she can stop mooching off her brother! (To Joss) Family. What can you do? Next! Actress #3: As you can see from my resume, I have extensive film and television experience. I have a recognizable name and I believe I'd help attract a new audience to "Buffy." Joss: You realize that in this role you'll need to be able to stake vampires? Actress #3: Yes. I'm sure I can do that. Joss: You know, with all due respect for your work, Lassie, I think the actress we're looking for will at least need to have opposable thumbs. Kellner: Yeah, I gotta go with my otherwise bug-like drone of an employee here, honey. Plus that whole Collie look. (Air quotes) Been there, done that. Plus, in dog years, you're like 310. This role skews way younger than that. But, love ya, sweetie. Next! (Several hours pass. Kellner and Joss continue the search.) Kellner: Sycophants! (The two men scuttle out.) Massage my feet! Gently, but firmly! (To Joss) You know it's not just the power, it's the shoving people around that I love. Joss: (Wearily) I crave illegal pharmaceuticals. Just a simple IV drip would do. Kellner: Next! Actress #287: Hello. I was in a well-known, highly regarded television drama, and I've also made one successful film. Kellner: Good God! Is my car alarm going off? (Chuckles to himself) Actress #287: What? Kellner: It's the air raid siren! The Germans are bombing London!! (Laughs and slaps his knee) Joss: Come on, K-God, take it easy. Kellner: Oh, get off it, Whedon. Making fun of people is a big part of this job. Joss: Yeah, but... Kellner: You creative types need to learn - it's not enough to BE cruel. You have to ACT cruel. Actress #287: Could I do a reading? Or something? Kellner: No! I have people who massage my feet! Leave me! (Actress #287 leaves, as Kellner shouts after her) Anyway, everyone knows Jennifer Love Hewitt was the real talent on your show! (To Joss) You see, this is a job where I can take impressionable young minds and scar them horribly. Joss: Please hit me on the head with a hammer now. Kellner: Next! (Several more hours pass. Kellner and Joss, visibly exhausted now, press on. Another actress enters.) Actress #879: Hello. I've acted on two successful television shows, as well as... Joss: Hey...hold on...don't I know you? Actress #879: (Trying not to let Joss see her face) Uh, no - I don't think so. Joss: Yeah, yeah...that stilted delivery...those helplessly flapping hands...the seeming inability to connect with anyone in the same scene...You're... Actress #879: No! It's not me! I swear! Joss: (Pointing in horror) ...RIFF REGAN!!! Kellner: Oh, sweet Mother of God! The puma! Feed her to the puma! (The sycophants make a move toward La Riff.) Riff: I'm Willow, dammit! I'M Willow!! (Runs from the room, pursued by the sycophants) Meeee!!! It's my part.....!!!! Kellner: And bring back my sycophants! (To Joss) You know, when I saw that pilot and realized what you'd had to work with, that was as close to feeling sympathy for another person as I ever want to come. Joss: I'll try not to let it happen again. Kellner: Just remember - in this line of work, you have to hurt people. The important thing is to get them to trust you first. That's what makes it so fun. (Shouts to the next room) Next! (Several more hours pass. A now completely knackered Joss and Kellner stare at the floor in defeat. We hear a woman's voice say, "I have a suggestion." Kellner turns in the direction of the voice, where we see a blonde woman in the cage where the puma was. She is dressed comfortably, in the sense that she is not wearing any clothes.) Kellner: Yes, darling? Woman: How about that young girl from "Harriet the Spy"? Kellner: Hmm - yes, she was quite good, wasn't she? Joss: Hold on a second. May I just say here, What the - and pardon my language - hey?? Kellner: Oh, allow me to introduce you to my wife, Katarina. Katarina: A pleasure to meet one of my husband's bits of talent. Joss: But what happened to the ferocious mountain lion that was in the cage? Kellner: Puma, to be more accurate. My wife is a shape-shifting demon. Very handy. She can truly devour the competition. (Sees Joss's shocked look.) What? You think I got here on ability? (He and his wife make eye contact and burst into laughter.) Katarina: Don't forget, darling. The actress - I believe her name is Trachtenberg. Kellner: Yes, dear. Joss: (To himself) This is a very strange business. Kellner: Run along now, silly writer person. And consider the part of Dawn as officially cast. Remember, I know someone who can eat you alive. Literally. Main Menu ~ Return to "Other Worlds" Menu |