| America In Crisis: Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage By Wwolfe |
| Disclaimer: Characters and situations related to FELICITY are the property of others. No copyright infringement is intended or implied. But it won't matter if you sue, because Wwolfe isn't some kid that'll fold like a house of cards, he's the legal counsel for the DarkSide, the Devil's Mouthpiece, the real lawyer from Hell. So go ahead. Do your worst. If you dare. Bwa Ha Ha! Archive- Please email request. Feedback- Absolutely. ******************* (A black TV screen. Suddenly, the image of a globe appears, over which is superimposed the ABC logo, along with the words "America In Crisis: Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage - Day Two", while overly dramatic music blairs. Then a familiar face appears...) Ted Koppel: Good evening, this is Ted Koppel, reporting to you live from Leon's House of Follicles on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles. Tonight we bring you Day Two of our continuous coverage of the story that has gripped all of America, and indeed the world. I speak, of course, of the recent, tragic shearing of the famous - some might say infamous - hair from the head of TV's Felicity, Keri Russell. We will be speaking tonight with several of the involved parties, including with both Miss Russell herself and, in an exclusive to ABC News, her hair. But first, let us begin with the man who performed the actual cutting of the hair, the owner of Leon's House of Follicles, Mr. Leon. Welcome, Mr. Leon. Mr. Leon: Ted, who does your hair? Ted Koppel: Mr. Leon, with all due respect, I think that what America wants to hear about is that person to whom you have recently applied your tonsorial skills. Mr. Leon: Say what? Ted Koppel: I put it to you bluntly, sir - did you or did you not cut the long golden tresses of TV's Felicity, Keri Russell? Mr. Leon: Oh! Sure. That was me. Ted Koppel: And which particular implement among your many devices did you use, sir? Mr. Leon: A circular saw. Ted Koppel: Really? Mr. Leon: Yeah, and it bent the blade. Is someone gonna pay me for that? Ted Koppel: What was your perception of Miss Russell? Mr. Leon: Well, Ted, she had a big mop of hair, let me tell you. I mean huge. It weighed more than most carry-on luggage. And the first thing I noticed when I got the saw through it was what well-developed neck muscles she had. Ted Koppel: Neck muscles? Mr. Leon: Yeah - they were whoppers! I guess carrying around all that hair really beefed 'em up. Trouble is, they were so strong, she kept snapping her chin down onto her chest the first few minutes after I finished. She learned to compensate for that, though. Ted Koppel: But the neck muscles...? Mr. Leon: Still a problem. I recommended turtleneck sweaters. Ted Koppel: One final question, Mr. Leon. Where on Earth did you get the inspiration for what some are calling the most revolutionary, radical hairstyle since that group of angry, disaffected youth from the underclass of Britain known with both affection and contempt as "punk" rockers introduced the Mohawk? Mr. Leon: Man, do they pay you by the word? I can't even remember what we were talking about. Ted Koppel: Where did you get the idea for the haircut. Mr. Leon: Well, say so! Sheesh! OK, she showed me this magazine and said she wanted to look just like the picture, so I did. It wasn't til we were done that I realized she wanted me to make her look like Julia Roberts in "Runaway Bride". Ted Koppel: And you used what picture? Mr. Leon: A chia pet. Hey, it was an easy mistake to make! On one page was the "Runaway Bride" ad, on the other was the chia pet ad. It was a little sheep, if I remember. And you know, I think I really captured the essence. Ted Koppel: So TV's Felicity now looks like a chia pet? Mr. Leon: Pretty much. Ted Koppel: Thank you, Mr. Leon. Our next guest is... Mr. Leon: (Interrupting frantically) So come to Leon's House of Follicles, folks! Where our motto is "You Must Snip It!" Ted Koppel: Mr. Leon... Mr. Leon: "Snip It Good!" Ted Koppel: All right, Mr. Leon - that's more than enough. (Ted pulls a lever on his desk, opening a trap door under Mr. Leon, who plunges from view.) I'd like to apologize to our viewing audience for that outburst, which, as you may know, spotlighted a reference to a comedic trope found in one of this summer's humorous films, featuring both post-modernist humor and time-tested pratfalls - I refer of course to "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me". And for our viewers of English background, let me hasten to add that the term "shag", commonly used in your country to refer to... (Ted natters on like this for quite some time. Cut to commercial.) (When we return from commercials, we are still in Leon's House of Follicles. Seated opposite Ted Kopple is a man best described as either youngish middle-aged or oldish young, who is wearing a suit the price of which would feed the children of Bangladesh.) Ted Koppel: My next guest is the CEO of the WB Television Network, Mr. Jamie Kellner. Welcome, Mr. Kellner. Jamie Kellner: I believe it's safe to say thank you, Ted. Ted Koppel: Now Mr. Kellner, your network has spent lavish sums raisng the public's awareness of your program "Felicity", a by-product of which has certainly been the increasing fame and fortune of one Keri Russell. Are you concerned, sir, that her sudden, some might say impetuous, if not foolhardy decision to so throroughly alter her familiar public visage might have the unfortunate consequence of dimming the audience's interest in her commercial efforts? Jamie Kellner: I'm lost, Ted. Ted Koppel: (sighing) Do you think her haircut will hurt the show? Jamie Kellner: Oh! Now I gotcha! Ted Koppel: You are, after all, a fledgling network... Jamie Kellner: No, Ted, as a matter of fact we no longer fledgle. Frankly, we ceased to fledgle midway through our second full season of programming. Ted Koppel: Nevertheless, sir, such a radical departure from popularly accepted fashions by one of your featured artists could well spell disaster in a financial sense for you and others in your environs. Jamie Kellner: (Pauses and thinks, then...) Nope. Still lost. Ted Koppel: The haircut. Worried, or what? Jamie Kellner: Right! Good one! No, no, Ted, I think it's safe to say, with all due exercise of caution, that we at the WB are not in the least concerned about the continued success of "Felicity". Ted Koppel: But how are you going to explain the new haircut? Jamie Kellner: Well, at the start of the new season, BenNoel will run off with the wacky gay character from the coffee shop where Felicity worked, causing a distraught Felicity to enlist in the Marines. Ted Koppel: So, if I may anticipate your next statement, you plan to change Felicity into... Jamie Kellner: That's right, Ted. It'll be called "G.I. Felicity". And frankly, Ted, we think it's really going to catch on with that segment of the viewing audience which enjoys watching young sweaty women doing push-ups. Ted Koppel: (Brightening) Well, as a matter of fact... Jamie Kellner: Sorry to interrupt, Ted, but I've got lots to do planning the new marketing campaign, so I've gotta go. We're thinking of using "G.I. Felicity: She's Looking For a Few Good Men". (Gets up to leave.) Either that, or "She's Not a Chia Pet, Dammit!" Ted Koppel: Wait! Please, Mr. Kellner - sit down for just a moment. (Kellner sighs, then reluctantly sits back down. Cackling maniacally, Koppel grabs the lever on his desk and yanks it, plunging Kellner through the trapdoor under his chair.) Ted Koppel: (Looks into the camera) This is Ted Koppel, and, in the words of the brilliant rock lyricist-slash-poet, dead at a tragically young age, though his work lives on in the hearts of millions - I speak, of course, of the Lizard King himself, Jim Morrison - "No one here gets out alive". Hehehe. (Koppel glowers suddenly.) Because I'm Ted Koppel, dammit!! FEAR ME!!! (Cut to commercial.) (After a commercial break, a more sedate Ted Koppel addresses the camera.) Ted Koppel: Good evening, and welcome back to "America In Crisis: Keri Russell's Hair Held Hostage - Day Two". We are broadcasting live, tonight and every night until the end of this crisis, from Leon's House of Follicles on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles, California. Next on our program, we have two guests. The first, a former Mouseketeer and current star of one of the popular dramas on the WB Television Network, TV's Felicity, Miss Keri Russell. Good evening, Miss Russell. Keri Russell: Good evening, Mr. Koppel. And let me just say how thrilled I am at this opportunity to speak to you about the serious issues affecting the youth of today. Ted Koppel: Happy to have you here. And seated opposite, Miss Russell, that which indeed sits at the very center of the vortex which is this crisis, the artist formerly known as Keri Russell's Hair. Welcome, Hair. Keri Russell's Hair: Thank you, Ted. Ted Koppel: Should I address you as Miss or Mister? Keri Russell's Hair: Just plain "Hair" is fine, Ted. Thanks for asking. Ted Koppel: All right. First of all, let me ask both of you to describe your working relationship. It's been variously described as "tempestuous", "stormy", "dysfunctional". How would you characterize it? Keri Russell's Hair: I'd say it's a love/hate kind of thing, Ted. We have a great deal of respect for each other as artists, but in any kind of creative situation, you're going to have some conflicts. Keri Russell: Mr. Koppel, my former hair has really put its finger on an important truth. It's about dreams, and it's about hope, and it's about not giving up hoping about your dreams, and it's - well, it's about a lot of other stuff, too. Keri Russell's Hair: It's all about trust, Ted. At the end of the day, we share a vision. And be you human, be you protein, be you whatever, if the trust is there, then you can have growth. In my case, lots and lots of growth. In her case (nods at Keri Russell), not so much. Keri Russell: Hey! Keri Russell's Hair: What? What'd I do? Keri Russell: Was that a crack? I think that was a crack! You better watch it! Keri Russell's Hair: Ooh - I'm a-skeered! What's the big TV star gonna do? Keri Russell: I'm a star! I'm worth ten million dollars a year! (Whips out scissors) I'll show you! Keri Russell's Hair: Hey, babe - I've got a development deal at Fox. If Duchovny walks, I'm in. You'll be doing road shows of "Grease" in a year. Keri Russell: (Livid) I hate you! I've always hated you! (Raises scissors) Ted Koppel: Well, in the immortal words of another artist formerly known as something else, "Party's over - oops, out of time". (Ted pulls the lever. Keri go boom. Her hair, however, bounces back up through the trap door after disappearing momentarily.) Hey! Keri Russell's Hair! Nobody comes back up through the trap door. It's a Koppel Watch Word. Keri Russell's Hair: Ted, bubby - I'm a million tiny coiled steel wires. You drop me from a height, I bounce. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly. Ted Koppel: Well, I'm quite angry. I'm incensed. Enraged. Furious. Filled with bloodlust... (Ted continues in this vein for some time.) Keri Russell's Hair: (Addressing the camera) Sorry, folks - gotta go. Doing lunch with those cats from the Blair Witch Project. Some movie about hair that eats a small farm community. (The hair mugs for the camera) Eek! Scary stuff! (Cut to commercial.) (We return from a commercial to see a darkened studio. In a far shot, we see the silhouette of Ted Koppel, seated behind his desk, captured in the thin white beam of a single spotlight. Slowly, the camera dollies in toward the desk, drawing nearer and nearer to the anchorman, until we see, in close-up, Koppel holding a pink lady's hand mirror in his left hand, while with his right he drapes his tie over his head, as if it were a lady's bonnet. He gazes longingly at his reflection in the mirror, as we hear him sing softly, "I'm poor little Buttercup, sweet little Buttercup..." - a reverie which is interrupted by the loud coughing of an off-camera crew member. Startled, Koppel puts down the hand mirror, straightens his tie, smooths his hair, and addresses the camera in his usual stentorian tones.) Ted Koppel: (Professional-sounding, but with a crazed look in his eye) The purpose of a man is to love a woman. And the purpose of a woman is to love a man. So come on, baby, let's start today. Come on, baby, let's play... (Nervous throat clearing from offscreen personnel. A pause, and then...) Ted Koppel: The Game of Love! Love! La-la-la-la-la-love! (The screen suddenly goes to black, followed by a "Technical Difficulties" message. The pompous "Nightline" music plays, but not quite loud enough to drown out the crazed singing of Koppel: "The game of love, baby! The game of la-la-la-la-love!!" Fade out.) Main Menu ~ Return to "Other Worlds" Menu |