| A Farewell to Kellner By Wwolfe |
| Disclaimer: This is (obviously) satire, and as such is clearly protected by the First Amendment, as determined by a number of landmark court cases. So nyah, nyah, nyah. Archive- Please email request. Feedback- Absolutely. ******************* [Recently, it was announced that the head of the WB, Jamie Kellner, had accepted a new position in Ted Turner's mighty broadcasting empire. The following is a transcript of Mr. Kellner's Farewell Address to his employees, who were assembled under threat of force by large, muscle-bound men dressed in togas and wielding long, sharp spears. The re-creation of the Roman Coliseum that was constructed for the occasion has since been disassembled, with the remains going to build a large man-made reef now used by sport fishermen off the coast of San Clemente. The speech was announced by three-score of heraldic trumpeters dressed in brass breastplates, burnished to a glistening sheen. Mr. Kellner descended from the clouds in a golden dirigible, christened the "Bucephalus." After docking at a landing pad, Mr. Kellner was carried to the podium in a golden coach carried by six castrati, ahead of which walked four blond boys in silk robes, singing "Tomorrow Belongs to Me" And now, Jamie Kellner...] "Lackeys and lickspittles, minions and mendicants, the obsequious, the obnoxious, the overlooked and the overbearing: gaze upon my countenance, for I am The Magnificent! You shall not see my like again. As I take my leave today, it is only fitting that we review my accomplishments, which glisten like jewels scattered on the sand. - "Hyperion Bay." No other television executive had the vision to name a show after the largest sewage treatment plant in Los Angeles. - "Safe Harbor." When I saw the chance to recycle the sets left over from "Hyperion Bay," I acted. - Postponing the second part of "Graduation Day" the morning before the show was scheduled to air out of fear that the audience would imitate the events of the show. And I ask you - did any mayors anywhere in America turn into 60-foot snakes? No! Again, the vision, the foresight, the brilliance - the hallmarks of Kellnerism all on display. - In the wake of the Kerri Russell Disaster, taking swift and decisive steps to insure that no other WB stars cut their hair. To this date, no other television executive has taken this simple, yet effective step. - Insisting that all persons address me as "Lord High Jamie." - Bringing back the concept of Food Taster. If it was good enough for the Roman Emperors, it's good enough for me. - Insuring that proper respect be shown for the original definition of the word "decimate." Ladies and gentlemen, if you're not willing to kill every tenth member of your opponent's force, then - please! - don't use this word. - Locating and securing a sufficient supply of rose petals so that the soles of my shoes need never touch the ground again. I resent that the steady employment thereby secured for the several mewling peasants responsible for strewing said rose petals in my path has never received proper recognition. I care, damn it. - Dedicating the time and effort necessary to train my Peregrine falcon, Malthus, to an edge so keen it can swoop from a height of one-half mile and successfully carry off most small household pets. - Designing and overseeing the construction of my bunker high in the Sierra Madres. My decision to construct it of concrete, cast iron, and three elements unknown to modern science has provided me with an impervious fortress where I shall be safe from the barbarian hordes that make up our audience. And so, as my toadies prepare to carry my golden coach over the horizon to the Valhalla that is the Ted Turner Broadcasting System, I offer you my condolences for the bottomless pit of loss that my absence shall create in all of you. Yea, verily, I say unto you today that television of the Kellner, by the Kellner, and for the Kellner shall not perish from the Earth." Main Menu ~ Return to "Other Worlds" Menu |