WwolfeBehindTheMusic

Disclaimer: Characters and situations related to BEHIND THE MUSIC and DISNEY'S 'SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS' as well as other Disney characters, trademarks, and ephemera (including, possibly, Walt's Frozen Head) are the property of others. No copyright infringement is intended or implied. But it won't matter if you sue, because Wwolfe isn't some kid that'll fold like a house of cards, he's the legal counsel for the DarkSide, the Devil's Mouthpiece, the real lawyer from Hell. So go ahead. Do your worst. If you dare. Bwa Ha Ha! Unless you're Disney lawyers, in which case I throw myself on your brutal mercy. You guys scare the Hell out of me, frankly.

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(Across the television screen, we see flashing the words "Success", "Fame", "Celebrity", "Drugs." Then we see a series of photographs showing seven itty-bitty men, unusual in that they are cartoons, posing with guitars, slouching in front of souped up cars, peering bleary-eyed - cigarettes dangling from lips, beer cans in hand - in smoke-filled rooms crammed chockful of bleach-blond groupie types.)

Announcer: They came from the four corners of the world. With nothing in common but their love of music and their desire for fame and fortune, they conquered the music charts. But it all came crashing down with bad drugs, bad deals, and a bad reputation they have yet to shake. Tonight on "VH-1's Behind the Music: The Seven Dwarves - The Long and The Short of It."

(Black and white photo of a bungalow on a small street.)

Announcer: The story of the Seven Dwarves started in this small bungalow on a quiet street in Burbank, California in the late 1960's. It was here that Walt Disney, impressed by the success of the animated TV pop group the Archies, decided to launch his own pop music franchise.

(Photo of Walt Disney at drawing board, looking at a drawing of the original Seven Dwarves.)

Announcer: Recognizing that the original Dwarves were too old to appeal to the youth-oriented tastes of the era, Disney launched a worldwide casting call for a new batch of dwarves. The response was overwhelming.

(Newsreel footage of animated characters of all shapes and sizes, waiting in a line stretching out through the front gate of the Disney Studio and down the block. Shots of dejected-looking animated characters trudging out through the Exit door are intercut with shots of Walt Disney beaming at the happy finalists.)

Announcer: Finally, after months of rigorous evaluation, the choices were made. Walt Disney had his new Seven Dwarves.

(The camera pans down a line-up of the Seven Dwarves, posing with their instruments. We see footage of the dwarves getting stylish new haircuts, modeling new suits in front of mirrors, and posing in front of a poster that says "Monday Nights at 7! NBC Presents 'The Seven Dwarves'!!")

Announcer: Young and edgy, strangers to each other, but brothers in music, the new Dwarves were ready to take on the world. Little did they know that the world would fight back.

(Cut to commercial. Close-ups of close-cropped blonde hair, chainmail, a wooden post, and ropes tying hands and ankles to the post, as we hear a man's voice sternly intone, "Joan of Arc, having been found guilty by this court of heresy, I sentence thee to death at the stake!" Medium shot of a torch landing on kindling, followed by rapid close-ups of flames leaping upward, terror-stricken eyes, smoke wafting into the air, ending in a longshot of a woman being burned at the stake. Freeze frame. Superimposed over this shot, we see the slogan, "Tampax was there.")

(Opening sequence of "Behind the Music" repeats as we return from the commercial. We see shots of ecstatic hippies in the mud at Woodstock, followed by shots of glowering Hells Angels from Altamont.)

Announcer: By the fall of 1969, the heaven of Woodstock had been followed by the hell of Altamont. In these troubled times, America was ready for a simpler brand of entertainment. When "The Seven Dwarves" debuted on NBC on September 16, America had found what it was looking for.

(Shots of the Dwarves rushing into their waiting limousines outside the Disney Studio as hundreds of fans swarm around them.)

Announcer: They hit gold with their very first single. "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" went to #1 in October of 1969, and it remained there for seven weeks. That November, Walt Disney had reason indeed to give thanks. (Footage of Disney and the Dwarves at the dinner table, with Walt smiling as he carves a turkey. The Dwarves are dressed in brightly-colored pinstriped suits with enormously wide lapels, psychedelic Ascots, and wire-rimmed glasses of various shapes and tints. Two of the Dwarves flash peace signs at the camera.)

Announcer: But even at the beginning, trouble was brewing.

(Shot of a Dwarf, sitting in a leather chair in his wood-paneled library. Across the bottom of the screen, we see the words, "Grumpy, Today".)

Grumpy: (Speaking in a thick English accent) I HATED that damn "Hi Ho" song. I thought it was a bleedin' embarrassment. I came from Newcastle, I grew up listenin' to John Lee Hooker and Muddy bleedin' Waters, and suddenly there I was singing this soddin' "Hi Ho" rubbish. It was a nightmare.

Announcer: And Grumpy was no Johnny-Come-Lately to the blues.

(Shot of Keith Richards, slumped in an armchair. Cobwebs dangle from his eyebrows, small woodland creatures frolic in the furrows in his cheeks, and when he opens his mouth to speak, a bat flies out.)

Richards: I saw Grumpy playin' in a club in Soho in the early 60's. He was bloody marvelous. Elmore James, Howlin' Wolf - he could do it all, man. When Brian Jones left the Stones, Mick and I thought about offering Grump the job, but then he got the gig with the Dwarves. I thought it was strange at the time - a stone solid blues cat from England jammin' with Disney - but I figured he'd make a go of it. Couldn't believe my ears when I heard that "Hi bloody Ho" song. Shame, really. (Keith nods off.)

Announcer: And Grumpy wasn't the only Dwarf who found success less than satisfying.

(Shot of a Dwarf, dressed in crisply pressed off-white khaki slacks and a pastel shirt, sitting in a rattan chair on the deck of a beachfront house. Across the bottom of the screen, we see the words, "Bashful, Today.")

Bashful: As soon as we had our first success, a permanent, inexhaustible supply of groupies became available to us. They were not only available, they were unavoidable. There was only one problem. I wasn't just bashful - I was gay! (Laughs) Disney would have terminated my contract if he'd found out. All of our contracts contained the standard Dwarf Morals Clause, so I had to act like a happy camper. And then I fell in love, and that made it even more difficult.

(Shots of Bashful with Reggie, from the Archies, at nightclubs, backstage with Ike and Tina Turner, and in the recording studio.)

Bashful: Today, with all the changes in society, I think we could have been open about our feelings. But back then, it was simply impossible. Finally, Don Kirshner, the Archies manager, got wind of what was happening and he threatened to go to Disney. Reggie wanted to fight, but I just didn't have the courage. (We see footage of Reggie singing a plaintive version of "Don't Touch My Blue Guitar," as we hear Bashful's voice on the soundtrack saying, "Looking back, I can't help wondering, were the Dwarves worth it?")

Announcer: The pressure only increased after the success of the group's follow-up single, "Whistle While You Work." Although Disney opposed the move, the Dwarves insisted on launching their first concert tour. They wanted to prove they were legitimate musicians.

Grumpy: People were saying we didn't play our own instruments. Bloody hell! I told the others, "Right, mates - either we show 'em what we can do, or I say bollocks to the whole thing."

Announcer: The Dwarves hit the road in February of 1970. They were met with sold-out shows, screaming fans, and a new member of the group - drug abuse.

(Interior of a seedy bar. A sunken-cheeked Dwarf sits in a booth, talking quietly. On the screen we see the words, "Sneezy, Today.")

Sneezy: It was backstage at the Fillmore West. We'd just seen Sly and the Family Stone and I was hanging with Sly in his dressing room. He pulled out a mirror and laid out a line of coke. I was so naive, I didn't even know what it was, but when he offered I tried it. I've been Sneezy ever since, man.

Announcer: Within a year, Sneezy was living up to his name, suffering from a $300 a day cocaine habit that left him with little energy for the band. And he was soon joined on the road to dependency by another Dwarf.

(Shot of Keith Richards, snoring in his armchair. From off screen, someone plops him on the head with a pillow. He jolts awake.)

Richards: Sknnx? (Shakes his head.) Right, then. So it's 1970, and I'm just getting into the drug scene big time. And suddenly I find myself spending lots of time with Dopey. Kind of ironic - couple of English choirboys in the grips of that old Devil horse. But Dopey, man, he was one wild cat. I remember I spent an entire night listening to him explain how "Whistle While You Work" was actually a veiled drug song. Can't remember why, but...um, who are you?

Announcer: But the biggest challenge to the survival of the Seven Dwarves was yet to come - ironically, in the form of their biggest success yet.

(Cut to commercial. A psychotically perky Jennifer Love Hewitt appears on screen. She bleats, "Hey! Let's talk about skin care!!", when suddenly thousands of rats swarm over her, devouring every trace of flesh, leaving only a skeleton behind. On the soundtrack we hear an announcer say, "Research shows that nothing will make you want to buy Neutragena more than seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt devoured by rats. We've done our part, now you do yours!")

(Opening sequence of "Behind the Music" repeats as we return from the commercial.)

Announcer: Torn by drug abuse, tortured by questions of sexual identity, the Seven Dwarves seemed like a band on the verge of implosion. But despite all these problems, they were about to achieve their biggest success - a success that would destroy the band once and for all.

(A deeply tanned Dwarf, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts, sits at a table in Disneyworld. On the screen, we see the words, "Happy, Today.")

Happy: We'd had some success, sure. And it was great, no denying. But I looked around and I thought, "Where will we be in five, ten years?" And I thought we were going to have to move to a more adult sound if we wanted to sustain. (Shot of a button-nosed, darkhaired young woman in a ballgown. As pictures of her in concert appear on screen, we hear Happy's voice on the soundtrack saying, "I'd seen this girl singer in concert, opening for the Turtles and Spanky & Our Gang, and I thought she was gonna be huge. So I went to Mr. Disney and I said we ought to cut a track with her.")

(The camera pans rapidly up a Billboard Hot 100 chart, as we hear...)

Announcer: In the fall of 1970, the Seven Dwarves went into the studio to work with an unknown singer. From this collaboration emerged their biggest hit, which left the band in tatters, while making their new partner a household name.)

(The camera panning up the Billboard Hot 100 stops at #1, where we see "Someday My Prince Will Come" by Snow White, featuring the Seven Dwarves.)

Happy: I hate to blow my own horn, but we had the biggest hit of 1970 with that song. I don't think it made Grumpy too happy, though.

Grumpy: (Irate) We were the biggest band in the world, man! And suddenly we're the back-up band for some chick singer! And it was a bloody awful ballad in the bargain.

Bashful: There'd always been tension between Grumpy and Happy. Grumpy was really a musician's musician - he didn't have any interest in the money or fame. Happy, though, was an old-fashioned kind of entertainer. He really wanted success - he wanted a career, more than anything. And if that meant we cut a big ballad, that was fine with him. But Grumpy just couldn't stand playing that song night after night, especially when people started seeing us as Snow White's back-up band.

Announcer: Tensions finally came to a head in the summer of 1971 when Helen Reddy introduced the band's appearance on her summer variety television show as "Snow White and friends." After the song was finished, Grumpy and Happy came to blows in the band's dressing room.

Grumpy: I told him that was bloody well it - no more Snow White. He told me I was unprofessional, so I hit him over the head with her tiara.

Happy: I had to get seven stitches. I went to Mr. Disney and I told him I couldn't work with Grumpy anymore. Well, Mr. Disney used to say I was like a son to him, so everyone knew how that would turn out.

Announcer: He'd had gold records, and screaming fans. He was one of the most famous people in the world. But suddenly, Grumpy was just another unemployed animated dwarf. For a short time, his spot was filled by ex-Monkee Peter Tork, but the fans were not satisfied. (Shots of young fans in an auditorium, holding a sign that says, "Where's Grumpy?") Finally, even Walt Disney had to accept the inevitable. Grumpy was asked to re-join the Dwarves. (Footage of the Dwarves running on stage to thunderous applause, as we see Grumpy in close-up waiving at the crowd.) Despite this seeming reconciliation, the last act in the meteoric rise and fall of the Seven Dwarves was about to be played out, not on a concert stage, but in a court room. (Cut to a commercial.)

(We see the oddly-shaped silhouette of a figure seated on a stool, playing a guitar, as an announcer says, "They were legends. Now they're back. This Sunday on a very special 'Unplugged' - Alvin and the Chipmunks." In a slow, emotion-laden version of the song, we hear Alvin sing, "My friend the witch doctor, he told me what to say," followed by a cut to the tearful, enraptured faces of the audience members, as they sing along with, "Oo-ee, oo-ah-ah, ting-tang, walla-walla-bing-bang." On the screen, we see superimposed, "Sunday at 9, 'Unplugged' with Alvin and the Chipmunks - Only On VH-1.")

(Opening sequence of "Behind the Music" repeats as we return from the commercial.)

Announcer: They'd come from nowhere. They were loved everywhere. But they'd never learned to love themselves. And now the final act was about to unfold for the Seven Dwarves.

(Shots of gold coins and stacks of bills are superimposed over footage of the Seven Dwarves.)

Announcer: One day in late 1971, Sleepy was shopping for Christmas presents for his family. When he was informed that his credit cards were overdrawn, he was puzzled. How could the world's most successful band be short of money? So he had his accountant take a look at the band's books. That's when he discovered the terrible truth.

Happy: We were a bunch of dumb kids who'd gotten this huge break and we didn't know how to take care of business. The only one of us who'd gotten a college education was Doc. In fact, that's how he got his name - he was always reading some highbrow book of some kind, so we started joking that he must be going for his Ph.D., and then we started calling him "Doc." So when Mr. Disney started waiving contracts in front of our faces, it was only natural that we'd have Doc take a look at them. Like he knew what he was doing!

Announcer: But it seems that Doc knew exactly what he was doing. In secret negotiations with Walt Disney, he cut the other six Dwarves out of their share of publishing royalties, with that money being divided equally between Disney and Doc himself.

Grumpy: When Sleepy told me what had been going on, I thought, "Blimey, we're knackered." Money problems have broken up more bands than anything. Look at the bloody Beatles. And when you add in the fact that we were cartoon characters, I knew we'd had it.

Bashful: I've always said that, in a perverse way, one must admire Doc's ingenuity. After all, he managed to purloin a great deal of money, given that he had only three fingers on each hand.

Happy: You know, it was a disappointment, I won't lie, but by that time Mr. Disney had offered me an executive position in the company, working here as entertainment director at Disneyworld, and I gave it some thought and decided, "I've made it, I'm where I want to be, and the other Dwarves will have to fend for themselves."

Announcer: In an effort to reclaim some of the money they believed they had earned, Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, and Bashful sued Doc and the Disney Corporation. Sneezy, however, opted out of the suit.

Sneezy: Oh, man, I was so strung out by then, I just wanted to sit in my room and do lines. Plus, I needed money to score, so when the others offered to buy me out, I took it. Over the years, I've tried to renegotiate, but they won't take my calls.

Grumpy: We made the bugger a fair offer, he took it. End of story. If he wants to be a stupid git, it's not my bloody responsibility.

Announcer: Torn by legal wrangling, their stardom fading, the Seven Dwarves officially broke up on March 1, 1973. The lawsuit would drag on for years, though. Finally, on December 31, 1978, a jury found Doc and the Disney Corporation innocent of all charges. Ironically, only one month earlier, their former protege, Snow White, had scored her biggest success, making a startling transition from a singer of soft songs to a disco diva, with the release of her landmark album, "Don't Call Me 'Snow' No Mo'," featuring the runaway smash, "You Ain't No Prince (So Don't Kiss Me, Sucka)."

(Shots of Snow White at Studio 54, with Jacqueline Onassis, Grace Jones, and Mayor Ed Koch.)

Announcer: Despite the millions that they'd made for Disney, it now appeared that Grumpy, Bashful, and Sleepy would have nothing to show for all of their seeming success. Tragically, Dopey would be even less fortunate. On New Year's Day, 1979, Bashful received a phone call from a friend.

Bashful: The phone rings and it's a friend of mine and he says, "I'm sorry about the news." And I say, "What news?" And he says, "You haven't heard? It was on the radio - Dopey's dead." (Pause) Dopey was an integral part of the artistic vision of the Seven Dwarves. When he OD'd, that was really the end of the band, once and for all. (We see a medium shot of Bashful standing at Dopey's grave, which is engraved with the legend, "He lived life at 24 frames per second.")

Announcer: Stunned by the news of his friend's death, Sleepy left his home on the afternoon of New Year's Day, telling his wife he was going to buy a carton of milk. Six months later, he was discovered living in an ashram in Oregon - a full-fledged member of the Universal Church of Organic Wholeness. Sleepy, going now by the name "Wise Fruit-Bearing Tree," refused to be interviewed for this program.

Happy: That was a real shocker, what happened with Sleepy. I mean, he got his name 'cause he was Mr. Laid Back L.A. Dude. But I guess under that mellow surface, there was a whole lot of deep stuff going on.

(On the soundtrack, we hear the distant sound of "Hi Ho, Hi Ho," as we see an aerial shot of Disneyworld.)

Announcer: Now for the first time in nearly 30 years, five of the six surviving members of the Seven Dwarves are meeting face to face for the "Behind the Music" cameras. And they are doing so at the most appropriate place - in the presence of their mentor, the man who brought them to worldwide acclaim - Walt Disney.

(Close-up of a sign that says, "Cryogenics Lab." We see Grumpy, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Doc standing in a laboratory, dressed in white lab coats. A small, circular, stainless-steel door opens with a "Whoosh," revealing a dark metal cylinder, out if which a table slowly extends. Clouds of smoke from dry ice billow upward, and when they clear we see, sealed inside a glass container, Walt Disney's frozen head.)

Grumpy: Well, lads, here's the bloody wanker who brought us to where we are today. Or at least what's left of him.

Bashful: May I ask a question? What is he doing here? (Points at Doc.) This gentleman stole millions of dollars from us.

Happy: Water under the bridge, fellas.

Doc: Uh...

Grumpy: Bloody hell! That's right! Sod this - let's get him! (Grumpy shatters the protective glass containing Uncle Walt's frozen head, grabs the icy cranium, and begins beating Doc with it. Fade to black, as we hear Snow White sing, "Someday my Prince will come...")

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