ParadiseCity1

Disclaimer: All characters, except for Johnny York, are property of BTVS. Johnny York is my own creation. I have fictionalized much of the worship of Cybele and Attis; no offense is meant to those who actually profess that religion.

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[Oz� living room. Zebra-print wallpaper and a pink velvet couch with plastic slip covers peg Oz� parents as being somewhat out of the ordinary. Xander paces furiously while Buffy and Giles flip through a dusty, crumbling tome. Oz sits alone at the end of the sofa apparently thinking, or maybe not.]

Xander: She�s been in there a week. We�ve done nothing. What good are we if we can�t even help Willow?

Giles: We�re close, Xander.

Xander: We were close on Wednesday. It�s Monday.

Giles: I�m sorry. Making a god isn�t exactly easy, especially this time of year.

Buffy: Why don�t you watch tv? It should only be a few more minutes.

[Xander sits is a lime-colored barka lounger and turns on the tv by remote. The screen reads, �The following program, 7th Heaven, has been blocked by order of MUAC due to violent content.� Xander switches to the next channel. The screen reads, �The following program, The Sound of Music, has been blocked by order of MUAC due to objectionable political content.� Oz� mother walks in wearing ripped jeans and a Harley tee-shirt. She carries a tray with snacks.]

Marie: I�ve got more Rice Krispie treats. Get them while they�re hot.

Oz: Thanks, Marie.

Xander, Buffy, and Giles: Thanks, Marie.

[Marie sets down the tray and leaves.]

Giles: Our options are limited. As these rituals involve fertility gods, the season of greatest potency is in the spring. Only the most powerful of the gods will be effective this time of year.

Buffy: Okay, so we do a powerful god. Let�s do it.

Giles: It�s not that simple.

Buffy: It�s never that simple.

Giles: Many of the fertility gods tend to be�um�not suited to our purposes. Like Cybele and Attis, they are associated with the forces of passion and chaos. For example, while it would be quite simple to invoke Dionysus, easily the most powerful of the mystery gods, and he would be able to overpower Johnny, he would, most likely, turn Sunnydale into a drunken orgy.

Xander: Let�s not be too quick to dismiss this Dionysus idea.

Giles: Well, you must keep in mind that the ritual for becoming Dionysus involves being torn to pieces. If we do the ritual wrong, you don�t get put back together.

Xander: You�re just saying that to put me off the idea.

Giles: (flipping to another page in the book) See for yourself. Here�s a picture of the ritual in progress.

Xander: (after getting up to look at the book) I think I�m going to be sick.

Giles: Our best choice seems to be Mithras, the Persian god of kings.

Buffy: We�ll take your word for it.

Giles: The act of becoming Mithras involves the sacrifice of a bull in the presence of a raven.

Oz: Nevermore.

Giles: Yes. Well, that part shouldn�t be too difficult. However, Mithras is associated with purity, which mean the person chosen to take on the god must be�ah�pure.

Buffy: Oh. (pause) It�s too bad that of all of us they had to imprison Willow.

[Xander and Oz share a look.]

Buffy: (cont�d) What? What�d I miss? (realizing) Why am I the last to know these things?

Giles: (clearing his throat) I�m afraid that question is moot. Mithras is a male god and, thus, requires a male vessel.

Xander and Oz: Oh.

Buffy: How about little Jonathan?

[The doorbell rings. Marie appears from the other room.]

Marie: Don�t get up.

[She opens the door to reveal Larry and Nancy wearing the now-familiar yellow armbands.]

Marie: (cont�d) Yes?

Nancy: Good afternoon, ma�am. We�re from MUAC, Animal Control Division. We have warrant for the arrest of Oswald Osmond.

Marie: (yelling) Donald! I need you.

[The gang exchanges a look of fear, as Oz� father trots up the stairs. Donald Osmond is a disheveled middle-aged man in canvas overalls covered with paint splatters.]

Donald: What is it, honey?

Marie: These people want to arrest Oswald.

Donald: What�s the charge?

Larry: Lycanthropy.

Donald: What�s that?

Larry: Supernatural canine metamorphosis and strictly against the guidelines as laid down by MUAC.

Nancy: Oz must come with us to be contained in Paradise #1.

[Credits roll. Buffy�s theme plays.]

PART ONE
[Johnny�s bedroom. Johnny, apparently naked, is in bed looking rather pensive. Joyce is busy getting dressed.]

Johnny: Maybe I should come to the hearings today.

Joyce: Don�t be silly. We�re doing just fine. No need to worry about the hearings.

Johnny: Then don�t go. I�m sure they can manage without you. Why don�t we play hooky? I�m sure I could come up with something to do.

Joyce: As the head of the committee, I should be there. But, why don�t you take the afternoon off. Have fun. We can handle this without you.

[Joyce, now dressed, gives him a quick peck on the cheek and leaves.]

[Cut to Oz� cell in Paradise #1. The cell is much nicer than Willow�s. He has a window, with bars, but still a window. Larry and Nancy finish attaching a monitor to his ankle. After they leave, Oz begins humming, �We Shall Overcome.�]

[Cut to a large postmodern estate. Buffy, Xander, and Giles sneak into the backyard.]

Xander: I wonder what MUAC�s punishment for breaking and entering is.

Buffy: We�re not breaking, and we�re not even entering. We�re just sneaking. I heard voices coming from back here.

Xander: Not again.

[As the gang enters the pool area, they see little Jonathan frolicking with two buxom brunette bikinied bimbos.]

Xander: (cont�d) I think someone beat us to the punch. You know what the problem with the world is today�sex. Everywhere you go it�s sex, sex, sex. Sex here. Sex there. Doesn�t anyone what for marriage anymore? You can�t find a virgin when you need one. Wait, I got it. Blaine!

Buffy: (incredulous) Blaine? I sort of filed him in the swinger category years ago.

Xander: It was all a ruse.   Trust me.

Giles: Do you know where we can find this Blaine chap?

[Cut to Willow�s cell in Paradise #5. She rests, lifeless except for light breathing, on the bed, an IV attached to her wrist.]

[Cut to the MUAC hearing room. Anya is currently undergoing interrogation, as Joyce rushes in and takes her place at the table.]

Committee member who still needs a shave: Where were these meetings held?

Anya: In the school library.

Helmet hair: Was the school librarian, uh (checks a list) Rupert Giles, present at these meetings?

Anya: Yes.

Helmet hair: Who else was there?

Anya: Willow Rosenberg. Cordelia Chase. Oz�I don�t know his last name. Xander Harris. And�

Needs-a-shave: And?

Anya: Buffy Summers.

Needs-a-shave: Thank you, Anya.. You will be taken from this place to Paradise #3.

Anya: (as she is taken away) But I cooperated. How can you do this?

[Cut to Blaine�s front porch. Xander, Buffy, and Giles wait for the door to be answered. Blaine�s father opens the door.]

Blaine�s father: Can I help you?

Buffy: We�re looking for Blaine. We�re friends of his from school.

Blaine�s father: He got married last month. I can give you his new address.

Giles: No, that won�t be necessary. Thank you.

[The gang walks away despondently.]

Xander: Any other ideas, Big G?

Giles: There is one other possibility.

Xander: Well, tell us before MUAC takes another one of us.

Giles: Demeter.

Buffy: What would we need? A pigmy? A Bavarian chiropractor?

Giles: A goat, some corn, and someone�s mother.

[Cut to Oz� cell. He�s switched to �For What It�s Worth.� Someone in a neighboring cell sings along, slightly off-key.]

[Cut to Oz� home. Xander, Buffy, Giles, and Marie are seated around the Formica kitchen table munching on Rice Krispie treats.]

Marie: So you want me to be a goddess. That�s so cool.

Giles: Good. Thank you, Marie, for doing this.

Marie: Anything to help Oswald.

Giles: Since it�s not spring, the change can�t be made permanent, so time is of the essence. Now, assuming the ritual goes well, you should be able to function as the goddess for little more than a day. Once the powers leave, you will probably experience some reaction, such as malaise, fatigue, as if you�ve had a bad flu. But the symptoms should pass in a week or so.

Marie: Oh. See the Harley convention is in Monterey this weekend. Could we postpone this ritual thing until next week?

[Cut to Johnny�s mansion. Now wearing sweat pants, he sits on the bed channel surfing on his big screen tv. Unfortunately, most of the channels have been blocked by MUAC.]

[Cut to the Rosenberg living room. Buffy, Giles, and Xander sit on the couch-sipping lemonade while Sheila, wearing her bifocals, flips through a trade-size paperback.]

Sheila: It�s quite interesting actually. The majority of the early mystery religions share many of the qualities and tenets of early Christian myth. The Christ figure is merely a representation of the pagan fertility god. And the Resurrection probably originated as a reflection of the return of the seasons more than any promise of eternal life. I was talking to some colleagues in the comparative religion department, and they agree that without Roman persecution, Christianity may not have developed the cache it did and perhaps would have remained a localized phenomenon like the earlier pagan mystery religions.

[Cut to Johnny�s mansion. He stands in the middle of the living room, playing with his yo-yo. His hands at his sides, the yo-yo floats in the air as he uses his telekinesis to walk the dog.]

[Cut to the Harris doorstep. Buffy and Giles stand outside looking at Harriet Harris in the doorway.]

Harriet: What�s a �xander?�

[Xander emerges from inside waving a piece of paper.]

Xander: Guess who has to appear before MUAC.

[Cut to Johnny�s mansion. He�s just pacing now.]

[Cut to Giles� living room. The three sit in silence, pouting.]

Xander: Perhaps we were hasty in throwing out the �kill Johnny� idea.

Giles: There is another mother we haven�t yet approached. Or we could wait until next week for Mrs. Osmond.

Xander: Will there be any of us left to perform the ritual next week?

Giles: Of course, that is a consideration.

Buffy: I would say my mom is pretty much out of the question.

Giles: I didn�t want to ask her given her position in all this business, but as Xander and now myself have been summoned, I fear she may be our only hope.

[The doorbell rings.]

Buffy: If they�re from MUAC, I�m going to beat them into a little purple puddle and damn the consequences.

[Giles opens the door to reveal Johnny standing on the doorstep.]

Johnny: You know what the problem with witch hunts is? Once you start �em, they take on a life of their own. (pause) I�m bored.

[Johnny sweeps by Giles into the house and begins to reconnoiter.]

Buffy: Excuse me?

Johnny: This is a lot nicer than the other place. Sorry about that, by the way. What happened to the window?

Buffy: I declare small talk over. What do you want?

Johnny: God, I don�t know. Anyone want to go see a movie? My treat.

Buffy: MUAC closed the theaters Thursday.

Johnny: I know. I was real pissed about that.

Giles: I�m afraid, Johnny, that we have pressing business to attend to.

Johnny: Are you trying to come up with a way to stop me?

Buffy: Uh, duh.

Johnny: Cool. What have you come up with?

Xander: I don�t know what�s stranger�that you�re here or that you actually expect us to tell you what we�re planning.

Johnny: Can I help?

Buffy: You want to help us stop you?

Xander: I was wrong. The strangest part of this whole thing is Johnny-dangerously here himself.

Johnny: (ignoring Xander) Well, stop MUAC.

Buffy: If you dislike MUAC so much, why don�t you get rid of it?

Johnny: It�s not that simple.

Buffy: Boy, you and Giles even sound the same.

Giles: (to Johnny) How would you stop MUAC?

Johnny: I don�t know. Convince everybody they were better off before, maybe.

Buffy: That�s gonna be kinda hard since there are no vampires, or demons, or werewolves, or witches left to cause trouble. There�s no crime anymore. There hasn�t been a murder in two weeks. (to Johnny) If it wasn�t for you, I�d be out of work.

Johnny: Of course, without me, you�d still be overrun with demons.

Giles: That�s the essential question�were we better off before with the demons or are we better off now?

Xander: No. The essential question is how do we get Willow back. A world where she�s locked up isn�t better than anything.

[Johnny notices the summons Giles holds.]

Johnny: Who got summoned?

Buffy: They did.

Johnny: Then you shouldn�t have to worry about Willow being in prison; you�ll be joining her soon enough. If you want to escape MUAC, I would be willing to help.

Buffy: Okay, you�re the spider. Do you really expect us to be your fly? Why should you want to help us?

Johnny: For the same reason old guys in the park play chess against themselves. I�m firmly convinced the only person who can beat me is me. I�ll bet that you can�t beat me without my help.

Xander: And we should trust you because?

Johnny: I�m not making you trust me. I�m using my own natural powers of persuasion.

Buffy: That�s what that was, �cause I missed it.

Giles: This bickering is counterproductive. Johnny, in light of your position in this matter, I don�t think you can be of assistance.

Johnny: You think you can raise Demeter with Wonder girl and Frank Drebin over there? And you haven�t even found a vessel yet. Good luck.

Giles: How did you�of course.

Buffy: What�s going on?

Giles: While we�ve been chatting, he�s been siphoning our thoughts.

Xander: You said you weren�t using your powers. Sorry, stupid comment. I knew better than to believe anything he says.

Johnny: I wasn�t using my powers to persuade you. Telepathy is another matter entirely.

Giles: Now, you know everything. You�ve got us over a barrel.

Johnny: You could change your plan.

Giles: But?

Johnny: It would be so much easier to let me help. Here�s a thought: if I don�t double cross you, you give me something. A trade.

Buffy: What do you want?

[Johnny chuckles and leers.]

Buffy: (cont�d) Oh god, is that all you guys think about?

Johnny: (points to Xander) It�s all he does. He gives new meaning to one-track mind.

Buffy: I know.

Johnny: What are you worried about? You don�t trust me remember. If I double-cross you, you owe me nothing.

Buffy: No deal.   But you can have Xander.

Johnny: It was a long shot anyway. How about my help in exchange for yours?

Buffy: What do you mean?

Johnny: The rites of spring. I can�t perform them without assistance of a powerful female.

Buffy: You�ll help us, and I get to beat you up. What�s the catch?

Johnny: No catch. Do I still get Xander?

Xander: You laugh, but it�s the best offer I�ve had in months. It�s also the only offer I�ve had in months.

Giles: I don�t think we should accept your offer, I�m afraid. In the long run, it would be best for everybody to let your powers lapse.

Buffy: I disagree. (The three men look at her, surprised.) Not about his powers lapsing, that would be good. But considering our luck, we shouldn�t worry overly much about the long run. We might only have, uh, a short jog left.

Xander: Ladies and gentlemen, witness the power of positive thinking.

Buffy: Spring�s a long time away.

Giles: You have a point there.

Johnny: Yeah, but if you wore your hair differently, no one would notice.

Buffy: (distressed) Is there something wrong with my hair?

Giles: (to Johnny) What�s your plan?

Johnny: You need to influence the minds of everyone in Sunnydale so that they reverse the recent actions taken by MUAC.

Buffy: And you.

Johnny: And me.

Xander: Okay. Sounds good.

Buffy: Too easy. What�s the problem?

Johnny: To start this, I only had to wield a little influence over your mother.

Xander: Is that what they�re calling it nowadays?

Johnny: (again, ignoring Xander) And use a little rhetorical skill. I don�t have the kind of power it takes to influence the minds of a whole town.

Giles: (understanding) We still must raise Demeter.

Johnny: Yes. Do you know the ritual?

Giles: I�ve been working on it. There�s a taurobolium, which shouldn�t be a problem, a Greek invocation, which I can do, and a waking of the earth, which could be tricky.

Buffy: Define �tricky.�

Giles: Summoning one of the four elements requires greater experience with the black arts than I have had. Johnny, are you able to�

Johnny: No. I leave the ritual end of the business to Ethan, who�s in Tahiti.

Giles: Willow can summon the four elements.

Buffy: Three, so far.

Giles: Which three?

Buffy: I don�t know.

Giles: Xander?

Xander: Blood, sweat, and tears? Just a guess.

Johnny: (not amused) Wrong band, boy. Nevertheless, the odds are better than even. It�s worth busting her out.

Giles: That is not exactly how I would have chosen to phrase it, but, yes, that�s the general idea.

Buffy: Great. Let�s go. Johnny, you lead the way.

Johnny: There�s a problem.

Buffy: There�s always a problem.

Johnny: I don�t know where she is.

Buffy: Number 5.

Johnny: Even if I could break in, even if I knew what cell she was in, four and five are constructed like labyrinths. I�d never find her, not without the plans to the building.

Giles: Correct me if I�m mistaken, but didn�t you design�

Johnny: No. I made sure the operation could and would function with or without the cooperation of any one person.

Buffy: Way to go.

Giles: Where are the plans?

Johnny: City hall. Sealed in the Paradise office. The door to the office is steel, eight inches thick, and time locked. Plus, any attempt to get into the building will set off the alarm.

Buffy: So what�s our mission should we choose to accept it?

Johnny: Buffy and I break in after dark. I can hold off the guards while she gets the plans. I think I can open the door.

Buffy: You think.

Johnny: I never tried it before. But nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Xander: I hat to bring up the obvious, but aren�t you the mayor? Can�t you just walk in during the day and get the plans?

Johnny: I�m not allowed in the room, and the plans aren�t allowed out.

Buffy: Wouldn�t it be just as easy to fight off whatever guards there are during the day when you don�t have to worry about the door?

Johnny: Too many variables. Plus, I�m dying to see you in one of those slinky cat burglar outfits. We should go tonight. I can be in and out in three minutes.

Buffy: I bet you say that to all the girls.

Johnny: (chuckling heinously) Just your mother. Speaking of which, anyone who goes before MUAC will end up in a cell. They�ve stepped up their persecution.

Giles: I�m needed for the ritual.

Johnny: If you ignore the summons, they�ll come looking for you.

Giles: I can�t stay here.

Johnny: You can stay at my place. No one will look in the bondage room.

Xander: You have a bondage room?

Johnny: It came with the house. I just found it the other day.

[Buffy looks dismayed.]

Johnny: (cont�d, laughing and full of mirth) Oh wait, it was your boyfriend�s house. You just got way more interesting. I have to ask�what�s up with the doll?

Buffy: (adamant) I have no idea what you�re talking about, and I certainly don�t know about a bondage room.

Johnny: (grinning) Whatever you say.

Xander: Okay, let�s go. Getting arrested wasn�t on my agenda for today.

Johnny: See the problem with that is one person hiding from MUAC is a renegade�two is a conspiracy.

Xander: No. This is all part of your plan. I knew you were up to something, but this is really sneaky. Buffy and Giles won�t fall for it. You�ve underestimated them, Johnny boy.

Part 2 of "Paradise City"
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