| Indefinite Article By Kuzibah |
| Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Evil Fox. No copyright infringement is intended or implied. Rated R for language. Fourth in the series. (This really needs an umbrella title---anyone?) The first three parts are �Future Imperfect,� �Past Tense,� and �Predicate.� Follows a few hours after �Predicate.� It�s about four years on. Buffy is dead, and Spike has moved in with Angel to work on his� you know� the �R� word. Archive- Please email request. Feedback- Absolutely. ******************* Angel opened the door to his rooms and gave a soft sigh. There, curled up on the hallway carpet was Spike, the only other vampire in his bloodline, fast asleep. �William,� Angel murmured to himself as he crouched beside the still form. �What am I going to do with you?� He touched the younger vampire�s shoulder and Spike came awake with a start, looking up with clouded blue eyes. �Why are you sleeping out here?� Angel asked. �I wanted to talk,� Spike said. �Talk?� �But I wanted to figure out what I was going to say before I knocked, and� then I thought you might be sleeping� and then it was close to sunset and� why don�t you believe me!� he finished angrily. Angel squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. �It�s not a question of believing you, Spike,� he said. �It�s just, there are things� that you need a soul for� and it�s not your fault, really�� He stood up. �And I can�t think when I�m hung-over. Let�s eat, okay?� Spike nodded and climbed to his feet, following Angel into the kitchenette. They heated some blood and made coffee, and Spike mixed bourbon into both. �I did love her, you know,� he said when the both sat at the table. �Buffy, I mean. And Drusilla, too. I loved them differently, but the same. I mean, I loved�� �I know what you mean,� Angel said. Spike slumped unhappily. �It is love, Angelus,� he said. �You can�t tell me it�s not.� Angel didn�t answer, only studied Spike carefully, and was struck again by what a miserable excuse for a vampire he had become. He was too thin; even with all the butcher�s blood he could want he rarely fed, claiming to have no appetite. He hadn�t bleached his hair since before Buffy died, and though vampire hair grew more slowly than human, the dirt-blond roots were obvious. But more troubling were the changes in his personality. His base instincts toward violence had been effectively suppressed, and five years of being hurt by any human or animal that chose to take a poke at him had made him more cautious than Angel had ever seen him. Some of his habits, such as avoiding going out alone, bordered on timidity. Gods, he�d be back to writing poetry next. Obviously, his obsession with the Slayer had grown from the isolation and loneliness the chip had imposed on him, and Angel could only imagine the lack of sympathy she�d have had. Her friends, Xander in particular, were probably worse. And Spike had never done well alone. His loyalty to Dru was legendary, even when ambition, or plain survival, dictated he would do far better on his own. Of course in his mind it was love, and if it hurt like love, who was Angel to say it was not. But Wesley�s point could not be denied. Vampires could live a very long time, but they never really changed, not physically, not emotionally. Angel had, but he had a soul, that set him apart. Spike�s chip wasn�t the same thing. And yet, when Angel looked across the table now he didn�t see a vicious murderer, even though he *knew* that�s what Spike was. He saw a too-thin, unhappy and frightened boy with unkempt hair who had slept on the floor because he didn�t want to displease his Sire. Even as a fledgling, before he�d even been called Spike, he had never been so weak. Stop it, Angel told himself. You�re thinking like Angelus. If Spike didn�t have that chip, he wouldn�t be sitting here sharing a mug of Sangre de Vache; he�d be picking bits of Gunn and Hopey out of his teeth. Still, this shadow was unnerving. Where was the Spike he knew? �I swear to Christ, Angelus, if you start brooding on me I�ll beat you with your own arm.� Ah, there he was. �What do you want from me, Spike,� Angel said. �To shelter you? To feed you? To protect you? I�m doing all that. You want guidance, I�ll give you that, too. But it can�t be like it was.� �I don�t want it like it was,� Spike shot back. �Haven�t you been listening? I want to do right. I want to help people.� �You *are*, Spike.� �Yeah, well� I just wish I were happier about it.� Angel blinked in surprise. �What?� �I mean, we fight,� Spike said. �We kill the big uglies. And I know Buffy would be proud of me. And� you�re proud of me, I hope.� �Yes, I am,� Angel said, and Spike allowed himself a small smile. �But I don�t think I�m feeling it,� Spike said, thumping his chest with his fist for emphasis. �Really feeling it, I mean. Not the way you do.� Angel sighed, feeling a pang of sympathy for his childe. �Those Initiative bastards knew what they were doing,� he murmured. �So what do I do now?� Spike asked. �I don�t know,� Angel replied. �I don�t know how it works.� They sat in silence another long moment, and finally Angel said, �but I think I know someone who might.� He rose to his feet and gathered the empty mugs. �Go get washed and dressed.� �We�re going now?� �Not right away,� Angel said. �We need to visit Cordelia first, catch her up on the last year or so. Then afterwards.� �Okay,� Spike said. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The two vampires entered the ICU waiting room, where Gunn and Wesley were involved in a game of �Battleship� on two sheets of graph paper normally used for cardiograms. �How is she?� Angel asked. �Marvelous,� Wesley said happily. �Her recovery is progressing extremely well, her doctors tell me.� �She�s complaining about the food and the smock, too,� Gunn said. �So I�d say she�s back to her old self.� Angel glanced towards her berth. �What are they doing now?� �Sponge-bath,� Gunn said, smirking. �It will just be a few minutes,� Wesley said. Angel folded his arms, betraying his nervousness. �Have you told her� uh, anything?� �Well, no,� Wesley confessed. �We thought we�d wait until you got here�� Behind them, Spike began to chuckle low in his throat. Angel shot him a scowl. A nurse entered the waiting room. �She can see you now,� she said, �but only two visitors at a time. ICU policy.� Angel and Wesley glanced at each other. �After you,� Wesley said. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Cordelia was sitting up in the bed when they entered. Angel had to admit she had improved significantly over the night before. The color had returned to her face, and she was fresher-looking, less drawn. When she saw the vampire she gave him one of her dazzling smiles, and Angel almost felt his heart beat again. He perched on the edge of her bed and took her hands in his. �Hi,� he said softly. �Hi, yourself,� she said. �How are you feeling?� �Tired, but good,� she replied. �So what happened? No one would tell me until you got here, and these two,� she nodded at Wesley, �act like I came back from the dead, or something.� Angel gave a nervous laugh, averting his eyes, and Cordy�s mouth dropped open. �Oh, my God,� she cried. �Did I come back from the dead?� �Well, not per se,� Angel hedged. �Way to play it smooth,� Wesley muttered, rolling his eyes. �But I guess, in a manner of speaking�� �Angel!� �You were grabbed by some Yiggcoth demons,� Angel blurted. �Fifteen months ago.� Cordelia gave an enormous gasp of disbelief, covering her mouth with her hand. �What happened to me?� she said. �We looked all over for you,� Angel said quickly. �Didn�t we, Wesley.� �Yes, everywhere,� Wesley jumped in. �But there was no trace of you. Then when Gunn started getting visions�� �Gunn?!� ��Well, naturally we assumed the worst.� �It�s really funny,� Angel said. �These demons are like giant spiders, and they wrapped you up in a cocoon, you see�� �You really weren�t in danger,� Wesley said. �Anyway, Gunn had a vision about you,� Angel went on, �and Spike overheard�.� �Hold on,� Cordelia interrupted. �Did you just say �Spike?�� Angel looked embarrassed. �Yeah�� �Now, this is one of Gunn�s friends, also named Spike, right?� Cordy said pointedly. �I mean, we are definitely talking about a human. Because you can�t possibly mean your bleached brat of an offspring.� Angel averted his eyes. �Oh, my God,� Cordelia said. �Let me explain,� Angel said. �A lot has happened�� - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Spike and Gunn looked up from their card game as Wesley entered the waiting room. The ex-Watcher was ashen and looked exhausted. �How�s she doing?� Gunn asked. �I�d say she�s getting her strength back,� Wesley said. �What�d you tell her?� �Pretty much everything,� Wesley admitted. �She�s having trouble taking it all in.� Gunn stood up. �I guess she wants to see me, now.� �Not just yet,� Wesley told him. �She wants to talk to Angel alone.� - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - �Really, Angel,� Cordy said. �Spike. I mean, *Spike*.� �He�s taking Buffy�s death really hard,� Angel said. �If you could just see him. Talk to him. Wesley doesn�t see the difference, but you would.� Cordelia regarded the vampire thoughtfully. �You like having him around, don�t you?� Angel was a bit taken aback, and gave the question a moment�s thought before replying. �I think I do. Yeah.� �That scares Wesley.� �I know,� Angel said. �I just� I remember raising him. Teaching him. Drusilla called him the son I never had.� He touched Cordelia�s hair, pulling the strands back from her face. �And he was. I tried to make him like me.� Cordelia gave him a sad smile. �He�s your family,� she said. �Well, if you were the Manson family. But the bond is strong.� �It is,� Angel agreed. �It�s a little frightening. He�s lost now, and he needs me again. It reminds me so much of when he was first made. I could control him then by force. I would� beat him to make him mind me.� Angel sighed, shaking his head. �I don�t think that�s an option, now. And if I can�t control him, I�ll have to kill him.� �But you said he�d changed.� �I don�t know if he has, really,� Angel admitted. �*He* doesn�t even know. His behavior is different, but he admits he doesn�t feel it.� Cordelia nodded sympathetically. �So what are you going to do?� Angel gave her a small conspiratorial smile. �What else?� - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - �No way, Angelus. No bloody, fucking way.� The Host approached them, wearing the knowing, unnerving smile of the clairvoyant. �And who is this sugar-frosted morsel?� he asked. �Fuck off,� Spike snapped. �Charming�� the Host said. �Behave,� Angel growled under his breath, and then, �this is Spike. My youngest. Well, not exactly. He�� �I don�t need the whole bloodline,� the Host said. �I can see this relationship.� �I figured you could,� Angel muttered. �I�m not singing,� Spike said firmly. �You have to,� Angel said. �En. Oh.� �If you don�t, then I�m going to have to,� Angel said. Spike stared in surprise. �Um�� he began, �well. I suppose you could have improved in the last hundred years�� �I don�t believe it�s possible to be any worse,� the Host said, turning to Spike. �Now look, my little English muffin, the only way I can see how to untangle all those emotions in your black little heart is if I hear those pipes of yours.� Spike scowled at the demon woman on stage, warbling her way through, �Flashdance (What a Feeling).� �Don�t be bashful, cupcake,� the Host cajoled. �We both know you�ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.� He patted Spike�s arm. �Now I�ve got to go talk to our answer to Irene Cara up there. Why don�t you look through our songbook while I�m gone.� As he made his way to the stage, Spike turned his scowl to Angel. �I can�t believe you�re talking me into this.� �It�s only three minutes,� Angel said. �And the reading you get will help, I promise.� Spike grabbed for the looseleaf notebook and flipped it open. �Bet they never even heard of the Ramones,� he groused. �Pick something you know all the words to,� Angel advised. �Nothing too fast, or with a lot of high notes. Maybe, you know, a standard. Something from when you were younger.� Spike glanced at the older vampire. �Maybe from when I was human?� Angel felt his heart lurch a little. �Uh, yeah. That might be good.� Spike scooped up the songbook and headed for the guy running the karaoke machine. �I can�t bloody believe this,� he muttered. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Spike gripped the microphone and rolled his shoulders, trying to relax. He felt as though every eye in the bar was watching him, and he couldn�t believe his Sire had done this dozens of times, as he claimed. Still, it was only one song, and he�d deliberately picked a short one. Clearing his throat and taking a breath, he began. �Poor wandering one! Though thou hast surely strayed, Take heart of grace, Thy steps retrace, Poor wandering one!� This wasn�t too bad, Spike thought. And he sounded okay, if he said so himself. The patrons seemed to appreciate it, anyway. �Poor wandering one! If such poor love as mine Can help thee find True peace of mind --- Why take it, it is thine!� - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - �Your boy has a lovely voice,� the Host remarked. �Obviously he doesn�t take after his old man.� Angel didn�t answer, and after a moment, the Host glanced in his direction. �You okay, Sweet-pea? You look a little pale. Well, more than normal.� �I� I was just�� Angel shook his head. �I realized I�ve never heard him sing before.� �Shy, was he?� �No,� Angel said. �I would have beaten him for something as frivolous as singing.� The Host gave an amused grunt. �You�re gonna have to stop that.� �Stop what?� �The self-pity, Corazon. That won�t help him during what comes next. Or you.� Angel�s head snapped up. �What comes next? What do you see?� �Shh,� the Host said, lifting a finger to his lips. �I want to hear the end.� - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Spike finished to general applause and found his way off the stage to where the Host and Angel were waiting. �Alright, I did it,� Spike said. �Now do your mumbo-jumbo and tell me how I work this mess out.� �Already done, Honey-bear,� the Host purred. �And it�s really so obvious I�m surprised you even had to come to me.� Spike grew suddenly serious, then frowned. �Look, I know my dumb Sire puts stock in all this psychic bullshit, but if your *advice* consists of telling me to �look inside myself because I knew the answer all along,� I�m going to help you see your own insides, okay, Glinda?� The Host smirked at Angel. �Your boy has a temper, I see.� �In some ways he does take after me,� Angel said. �Hmm, two pissy vampires in one night,� the Host said. �I guess I can always hope a couple of Fyarls start a brawl, just to lighten the mood.� �If you can�t help just say so,� Spike snapped. �Fine,� the Host said. �You want purpose. You want understanding. You need the catalyst for turning good deeds into good feelings, and there�s only one thing that makes that.� �Riddles,� Angel growled, even as Spike�s face opened with understanding. �You may end up more like your daddy after all,� the Host added, and Angel grasped his meaning, too. �The curse,� Angel said. �He needs a soul.� �I don�t bloody well need anything,� Spike countered, his voice sharp. �Well,� the Host said gently, �that�s all your decision, Cookie. You asked me and I�m telling you. You want to go on the way you have been for five years, it doesn�t make a corn-nut�s bit of difference to me. But if you want to feel it, like you say, you�ve gotta join the soul club.� Neither vampire answered as they tried to process this information. �Think about it, Teddy-bear,� the Host said. �Tomorrow. Next week. Next year. You know where to go. You know who�s got the mojo. They�ll be there when you ask.� He patted Spike on the shoulder and smiled. �Have a few stiff ones before you go, boys. You look like you need them.� - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Spike and Angel sat in the darkness of Angel�s rooms, even the outside light of the city shrouded by heavy blackout curtains. �So that�s it, then,� Spike said finally. �Those are my choices. Emptiness or pain.� There was no answer from the older vampire, and after a moment Spike went on. �Do you remember the first time I saw you with your soul?� �China,� Angel said. �No, I mean the first time I realized you had one,� Spike clarified. �Sunnydale. At the school.� �Yes, I remember.� �You� you had such loathing in your eyes,� Spike said, his voice breaking. �When I realized you hated everything you had taught me to be� you could have staked me right there, I wouldn�t have been surprised.� �I came very close,� Angel admitted. �Both then and later.� �Why didn�t you?� �I suppose you were too strong at the time,� Angel said. �Compared to me, I mean. I just wasn�t prepared to fight, then. And when I came back, after, I sort of felt like I owed you.� �Owed me?� �For stopping me. For saving Buffy. And the rest of the world, of course.� �So it�s better then? With the soul?� Angel took a moment before replying. �I wouldn�t put it just like that,� he said. �It�s harder, definitely. Painful, as you say. But, you feel things more fully. Without the soul, everything was simple, on the surface. Now it all goes deeper. It�s more� profound, maybe? I don�t know. I really can�t explain it. It�s like trying to describe becoming a vampire to a human, you know?� Spike nodded. �So you think I should do it,� he said. �I can�t tell you what to do, Spike,� Angel said. �I wasn�t given a choice. I�m glad I have it now, but I�d be lying if I told you I�d never wanted it gone. Those first few years� you saw me in China. Do I really need to spell out how screwed up I was?� The older vampire sighed. �The Host is right. You need to give this a lot of thought. I�ll answer any questions, but this has to be your decision.� �So what now,� Spike said. �Now,� Angel said, �we go to sleep. Tomorrow we pick you another room, and probably move Wesley, too. Then we take Cordelia home. Then, a few days later, when everyone�s calmed down� we can talk about you. Okay?� �Yes,� Spike said softly. �And thanks for, you know, everything.� �You�re my childe, Spike,� Angel said gravely. �Even after everything, I take that very seriously.� In the darkness, Spike allowed himself a small smile. �Thanks,� he said again. ~fin~ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Author�s Note: The song Spike sings at Caritas is from the light opera, �The Pirates of Penzance,� by William S. Gilbert & Arthur S. Sullivan. It opened on April 3, 1880, at the Opera Comique in London and ran for 363 performances. Gilbert & Sullivan were the most popular composers of their day, and the human William, as a member of London society, would not only have most certainly attended a performance but would most likely have encountered the music at parties, in music halls, and even sung by street-corner musicians, as well. Go to part 5 - Gerundive Main Menu ~ Return to Graffiti Series Menu |