The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native
of the city >wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained
in a large take-away >van situated on the roof of the stadium.
>> THE EVENTS:
In the prvious Olympic games , Cape Town's competitors have not
been very >successful. In order to redress the balance , some of the
events have been altered >slightky to the advantage of the local athletes.
100 METER SPRINT: >Competitors will have to hold a video recorder
and a microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starter
pistol , a police dog will be released from a cage ten >yards behind
the athletes.
100 METER HURDLES: >As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car
bonnets , gardens , vibracrete walls etc.)
HAMMER: >Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer
they wish to use (claw , >sledge , etc.); the winner will be the one
who can cause the most grievous bodily >harm to members of the public
within the time allowed.
SHOOTING: >A strong challenge is expected from the local men
in this event. The first target >will be a moving police van. In the
second round , competitors will aim at a post >office clerk , bank teller
, or security gaurd.
BOXING: >Entry into the boxing will be restricted to Husband
and Wife teams, and will take >place on Friday night. The husband will
be given 15 glasses of sheap wine while >the wife will be told not to
make him any supper when he gets home. The bout >will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS: >Competitors will be asked to break into
the university bike shed and take an exspensive mountain bike owned by
some mommy's boy on hid first trip away >from home. All against the
clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT: >As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting
member of the Australian rugby team , who will witness the theft.
THE MARATHON: >A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors
will be issued with sharp sticks and a bag with which to pick up litter
on thier way round the course.
SWIMMING: >Competitors will be knocked over the head and dumbed
into the Cape Town harbour. The first 3 survivors will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK: >Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled
as the police cannot guarentee the safety >of anyone walking in the
streets of Cape Town.
CLOSING CEREMONY: >Entertainment will include formation rave
dancing by the Save Table Mountain Group synchronised rock throwing by
the PAGAD Youth Movement and the music by the >Gugulethu Comprehensive
Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone >dropping an
ols washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next
to >the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local
athletes break into >it and remove all the copper piping and fittings.
