Closer

Thoughts:

Afterthoughts:

No, I'm not reviewing Josh Groban's newest studio album, it's King Arthur, part deux.

Yes, I know that I can't stand Natalie Portman and that in itself should make me run away from this movie as fast as the wind will let me. However, the twisted love square piques my interest and I DO like Julia Roberts, Clive Owen (despite my review of King Arthur), and, sometimes, Jude Law.

Another thing working in this movie's favor is the screenwriter. You see, he knows a bit about the plot of this movie seeing as he wrote the original play. Yup, this was a play first. Why didn't we read plays like this in AP American English?

The cast list is uncommonly short, so it's a character piece all the way. Fine. I need something slow in the frenzy of holiday shopping. The trailer shows a lot of yearning, longing looks between the various characters and there's the typical scenario of the good girl and the good boy wanting to get it on but for their bitchy, jackass significant others, so this could easily cause my eyes to roll out of my head and go bouncing down the theater's aisle. We'll see what happens.

My initial impressions?
1. The story doesn't really translate well from the stage to celluloid.
2. Every single character is a bastard.

Explanation of #1: This playwright can't seem to adequately translate his time jumps from one medium to another. In one scene, you're in the present. A cut later and you're a year from your previous scene. Another cut and you've rolled the calendar another 3 months. Which way? Who knows? Past? Present? Future? Your guess is as good as anyone's. No calendars in the background, no subtitles...just a throwaway line halfway through the scene by one of the characters. That irked me because I couldn't understand the scene playing out before me since I had no history to draw on. There were entire dalliances and dastardly deeds taking place offscreen that effected what WAS being shown. I had no history, so I couldn't understand the characters' motivation. Sounds stupid, but if I'm going to buy in to what's happening, I have to understand what caused it. Maybe that's my engineer-logic coming out, but it's the truth. Time jumps like that can fly on the stage because you have a 30 second curtain closure and set change to sell the idea that time has elapsed. A half-second cut can't accomplish that.

Explanation of #2: Everyone cheated on everyone else with everyone else, for starters. They were truthful about it, which was good...I think...but it was pure insanity. No one had any kind of self-restraint. I thought Anna (Julia Roberts) might have an iota of it at the beginning, but with the first time jump, that flew out the window. Second, the mouths on these people! I am not a saint, nor am I a prude. I can make a sailor blush, if the need arises, but the language in this movie was atrocious! Don't go see this if you don't want to read (yes, I said read) or hear totally blunt conversations about sex and all the mechanics thereof. I can handle a little of it now and again, but the relentless pounding of it on my eardrums was mind-numbing. Most of the time, it was unnecessary. For example, Anna was trying to break up with Clive Owen's character, Larry, but instead of focusing on the end of his marriage, he grilled Anna about having sex with Dan (Jude Law) in more detail that anyone needed to hear. Who cared if she had an orgasm or not? The point was that it happened! Now, deal with it instead of trolling for details for the letter to the Penthouse Forum. Argh.

On the positive side, the acting in this was fantastic. I would have paid serious money to see this same cast do this same play on Broadway when I was in New York. I could actually buy in to Clive Owen being a perverted twit and Natalie Portman as a stripper. There were a couple of unnecessary zoom shots here and there but, for the most part, the cinematography didn't detract from the story.

My Advice:

Spend your money on tickets to the play.

Don't watch this if you're in the mood for a love story because it's not a love story. It'd be worth a 5-day rental for a girls' night, maybe, or if you absolutely LOVE one of the actors in it. Otherwise, spend your time and money elsewhere.