The Betting Corner


Hey,hey! Welcome to the Deathmatch Bookie's corner. Here we present you with a fight scenario, and our own takes and occasional play-by-play of the battle to ensue. Sure, Tyson made some waves with the "nip felt 'round the world", but five'll get ya ten that the matches here are more brutal and hopefully as entertaining as that fateful night in Vegas.

What the hell is this?

This all came from a conversation that I was having with my pal Zach, and he began presenting me with various deathmatches and asking me for my input on them. So yes, I stole his idea. And yes, we were really bored. Marshall should also recieve some props because he began our whole deathmatch idea. In any case, that conversation morphed into this section of Infinity. So read on, and feel free to suggest any other battles.

Match Archives

Featured Fight #6: Mr.T v. Mr.Clean


Our Bets

Specialkay:He's big, he's black, and he don't wanna hear no jibba jabba..Yeah, that's right, I'm talkin' bout the ultimate 80's badass, Mr.T. Only Hulk Hogan and Rambo were nearly as cool as this guy, and though he's been reduced to appearing at children's birthday parties and doing equally humiliating work like 1-800-COLLECT commercials, he's still an ominous, yet extremely hysterical tv icon. Poor Mr.Clean. He may try especially hard, but pitting an angry former member of the A-Team against a surly cleaning enthusiast just reeks of domination. Mr.Clean won't be "mopping up" this competition for damn sure. He may be built, but he ain't bad...Win:Mr. T,He's gonna get you, sucka

The A-Train:I pity the fool who has to take on Mr. T. Even though Mr. Clean has some mighty large biceps, he is in no way, shape, or form any competition for Mr. T. Anyone with that many gold chains has to be a total bad ass in the ring. It's definitely gonna take a lot of stain remover to wipe Mr. Clean's bloody mass off the floor once T-bone gets through with him.Mr. T is from the southside Chicago ghetto�.. I mean come on. The CHICAGO GHETTO. It really doesn't get much clearer than that. The mere fact that the man survived preschool is a miracle, so a bald cleaning fanatic probably won't be a stretch.Win:Mr. T, the "toughest man in the world" clause

Featured Fight #5: The Croc Hunter v. Crocodile Dundee


Our Bets

Specialkay: Well this is a tough one. While I would normally gleefully predict the certain death of the Croc Hunter, I'm a bit swayed by the fact that he truly loves and adores all of the repulsive reptiles that he annoys and then wrestles. I've watched Steve wade into a poisonous snake infested pond wearing nothing but a dirty camp shirt and his signature short shorts. Now that's not only extreme confidence, but also sheer stupidity. I'm amazed by this. Though Croc Dundee is equipped with a hella big knife, shorts of an adequate length, and witty euphisms about life, I feel that Steve Irwin's incredible zest for life and all things reptilian will allow him to win this match, though it will be a close one. With a tiger lizard and a great horned frog on his side, The Croc Hunter will take the day.Win: The Croc Hunter,"Who wears short shorts?"

The A-Train: Alright, this one is a real close call. In one corner you have Croc Dundee, a badass Australian with a really big knife. In the other, you have another crazy Australian who has no problem with placing his infant child on the back of a seven-foot crocodile. When this match gets hot and heavy, I'd look toward Croc Dundee to gain the upper hand with his sheer brute strength, although I wouldn't completely discount the Croc Hunter's ability to distract the competition by pointing out unique species of feral cats in the wild and then attacking with his lightning fast reflexes. In the end however, look for Croc Dundee to come out on top. With the distraction posed by the Croc Hunter's attacks, look for Steve to take a bite to the inner thigh from a cobra or viper bringing a close to this close and exciting battle. Win: Croc Dundee, the "Whoa! Look at the size of those fangs!" Factor

T-Dawg: This is a hard prediction... I keep going back and forth between the two reptile wranglers. On one hand you have Mick Dundee with his bad ass knife and suave mannerisms, and on the other you have an insane guy that takes great pleasure in being munched on by crocodiles. Mick has the hot girl on his side (the one that he saved from the alligater in "Crocodile Dundee")so therefore he has the "Hot Wife Advantage". Damn do I love that advantage.. But while the Croc Hunter's wife is rather homely, his real advantage seems to be that he feels no pain. Time after time, he is bitten, thrown and chased into trees. Yet he just giggles and continues to taunt the angry amphibians. Mr. Dundee has the Outback commercials (which makes him lose points in my book because those cars are gay), but Croc hunter has American Expess(which as we all know, you can't leave home without). I'm gonna have to go with Croc Hunter in a very close match. Crocodile Dundee will hold his own but I feel that the absence of pain cells in Steve Irwin's body will allow him to win in an overtime battle only because Dundee will be greatly fatigued...Win: Croc Hunter due to the "Lack of Pain"

Featured Fight #4: The Rough Riders v. The Ruff Ryders


Our Bets

Specialkay: I can give you one easy reason why the Rough Riders don't stand a chance in this match. Eve. This blond brickhouse would be happy to knock the taste out Teddy's mouth faster than you can say "Swiss Beats". With leader Theo out of the picture, the rest of the calvary are easy pickings for the perpetually pissed off DMX, and former Puffy underlings, the Lox. The Rough Riders do theoretically have more manpower to pull from, but DMX has a virtual kennel of rottweilers who just love the taste of pasty politico flesh. So we have this equation: 1 strong black woman + 4 angry black men + phatty motorcycles + 20 or more starved doggies = annihilation of the antiquated esquestrians. That problem is so easy that a UGA Forestry major could figure it out. Sure, Teddy's bunch may have massacred hundreds of Native Americans and those pesky Mexicans, but the Ruff Ryders have about 103 years of technological advancements, and badass qualities on their side.Win: The Ruff Ryders, The "Rap Always Wins" Factor

Moses: This matchup is quite an intersting one. For starters, you have the old regime vs the new. The battle line's are drawn, with each respective leaders in place. Now the Ruff Ryders have DMX to lead theRuff Ryders Anthem, but The old regime is led by Big Daddy Ted. Teddy may not sing, but he speaks softly and carries a big stick. The ruff ryders don't really stand that much of a chance. While they may carry pieces, Teddy and his boys have their bayonets at all times. Also, DMX is turning into a monopoly in the rap industry, and Teddy doesn't take kindly to that. Look for the Trustbuster, to bust some ass. I'm seeing a slaughter here, Teddy's boys are just too good. Besides, the Ryders have their family to help, but Teddy has the BullMoose party to back him up, and I dont care who you are, you dont take on an entire political faction. Thats almost as stupid as attacking LaFours with a sock full of quarters...some stupid kid is just going to roll his toy train in to trip them. Win: The Rough Riders-I'd take on Teddy, but I pulled my back out humpin your mom last night...*note, Mallrats was on at the time of this writing, sorry for confusion. We at "View Askew" support the noble platipus*

Ryno: Greetings Viewers of Kim's Page. This is your out of state Field Reporter Ryan Lytle coming to you from lovely Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. So...we got a matchup of the Ruff Ryders vs. the Rough Riders eh? Hmm...I suggest each of you go to Napster/Imes/Scour.Net and download the Song "World War 3" by the Ruff Ryders. In my opinion, those guys mean business, plus they got the ATL connection, and you know Big Lytle always holds it down for the ATL. I have heard rumors that T. Rosevelt didn't even lead the charge on San Juan hill. Yet, he was a great president and has been imortalized on Mt. Rushmore. I give the slight nod to the Ruff Ryders in this one, they just seem more organized and willing to go the distance.Win: The Ruff Ryders,they know how to work it

Codename G: I would have to pick the Rough Riders for two reasons, namely Teddy Roosevelt and history. Teddy always carried a big stick, and like we all saw in the House of Burgesses v. House of Pain fight, the ability to whack eachother with big sticks is a virtue that wins fights. The Rough Riders also have history; they are from the days when men really fought. The Ruff Ryders of today can ride a motorcyle and bark like nobody's business, and they can spit some decent rhymes, but when it comes to a good ol' fashion ass whuppin' the Teddy, the Rough Riders, and a few really big sticks take all...Win:The Rough Riders- they know how to put the shmack down

So now that you've seen the odds, you can make the call on your own.

Coming soon: Previous Matches
Infinity
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