Featured Fight #3: Sean Connery v. Sean Penn
Our Bets
SpecialKay: Well, to be perfectly honest, I would love for Sean Penn to win, just so that my factor can be "The Penn is mighter", but unfortunately my imagination just can't stretch to that level. Let's face it, Penn is a Dead Man Walking into this match. (I'm so sorry, I couldn't help it)Sure, the man took on a 5 year marriage to Madonna, punched out some paparrazi, and is known for his brash temper and racy lifestyle, but there's no way that this 80's throwback could ever compete with a classic film icon like Sean Connery. Connery has a leg up with age, experience, looks, accent, talent and attitude. Who could ever fault Sean Connery for killing Sean Penn? I couldn't, that's for damn sure. Win: Connery, The "Buck Futter" Factor
Moses: Connery no doubt..First of all, Sean Connery has every woman alive on his side. And no man, even Sean Penn is stupid enough to take on one woman, let alone them all united. Even his wife would help Connery. Besides Connery still has all those gadgets from his 007 days, so he'd just hit him with his laser watch or something. Besides, no man alive would dare question James Bond, he's a man among men, everyman's idol. If Penn knew what was good for him, he'd take on Shawn Hunter instead..stupid Boy Meets World. Also, Penn doesnt have the balls to hit Connery, he's a 70 year old man for Christ's sake. Why not just hit your grandma?Win: Connery- shaken not stirred
Tedzilla: Alright Connery vs. Penn...First factor- Thin Red Line. Anyone see that flick? Anyone... WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON? I mean I caught on the symbolism but it was an overdrawn account. For that Sean Penn deserves death.... or an infinitely long thin red line drawn out of blood. I swear- if Penn doesn't die from humilation I will kill him before the match..Second Factor: Fast times at Ridgemont High. WHOAAAA.... Gnarly..Third and Final Factor: Sean Connery-I mean this was a no contest. Who could face Sean Connery and win? I mean really? Although he's up in age he's got the cunning wit to demolish Alec Trebek in Jeopardy- the looks to charm any woman [esp. over 40] off of her feet and the acting talents to upstage some of the best. He's a man of many faces and plus with that awesome of an accent you'd have to assume any underground forces in Europe. My thumbs up to Connery and Sean Penn's fasttimes at Ridgemont high are coming to an immediate halt.Win:Connery- better flicks, more chicks
Featured Fight #2: The Wu-Tang Clan v. The Klu Klux Klan
Our Bets
SpecialKay: This is a total no brainer. Wu has their own clothing line, kung fu fighting, wicked rhymes and occasionally, the currently incarcerated ODB. About 9 or 10 glock totin' angry black men from the streets of NY can easily ward off a hoard of insecure white guys donning mullets and fresh white linens. The key to Wu's success will be the strategies of GZA(the Genius), and ODB's insane, bagman-like rantings. If that doesn't send the bumbling bigots back to cry in their beer, then you can count on Method Man (with a guest appearance by Redman) to come in and start throwin' down that crazy ish. The KKK will put up a good fight to their credit, but their ropes,rusty shotguns,burning crosses, and hearts full of fear, outrage, and longing for the days of white supremacy gone by, can't compete with this powerful Wu-Army.Win: Wu-Tang Clan, The "Sure, I may be biased" Factor
The A-Train The KKK most definitely has my vote straight up by way of the experience factor. Decades of promoting the master race gives the crackas a clear advantage over the Wu kids despite whatever Ol' Dirty Bastard's jail time might add to their menacing front. The KKK will likely open with a barrage of racial slurs and finally resort to tossing some burning crosses over at the Wu Tang, and everyone knows what a bitch that is to deal with. With a strong Southern backing, the Klan most definitely has the crowd's support and that factor will push the racists to an easy victory.
Win: KKK, the grandfather clause
Tedzilla: This match relies heavily upon whether or not Cappadonna and ODB are present. If they are then this will be an easy rout for the men of Shaolin. The boys in Wu will be spitting mad game like hollow point bullets through this one... Right when the KKK thinks they can go ahead, Method calls out more troops with Redman and Def Squad- next thing you know all of NY is united to protect Shaolin and the masters of the underground Wu Tang. I think that the Clan will suffer some deaths, however. Inspectah Deck, RZA, ODB (to drugs), and Masta Killa will all be sorely missed. The KKK however, will be demolished. It'll be a good ole fashioned ass whuppin'. If at one point the KKK actually starts to get ahead, I'd watch out for RockAFella. Jay Z, Bleek, all of them might get involved... and when there is money there is a way. Win:Wu-Tang, it's all in the family
Featured Fight #1: House of Pain v. House of Burgesses circa 1770
Our Bets
SpecialKay: Hmm...The House of Burgesses was filled with some really badass dudes. This is a tough one. This is essentially the English vs. The Irish, a historically accurate and potentially brutal matchup. I'm going to have to go with the Burgesses on this one. Back in the olden days they were a helluvah lot more brutal than anyone around now. They said "Taxation without representation, my ass!", kicked some major Brit booty in the Revolutionary War, and some of them founded a country. The HOB contained major players like Patrick Henry, Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington. Any one of those guys would've been happy to run down an Irish street thug with one of their warhorses. The House of Pain on the other hand encouraged young people to "Jump Around" during the early 90's and spawned the healthy careers of DJ Lethal and Everlast. They've done their share of asskicking, but I don't think they're any match for the raw power that is the House of Burgesses. Don't take these men in tights lightly; they're butch. Win: House of Burgesses, founders take all
Codename G: I'd pick the House of Burgesses because they have more "skills" than the HOP. See they are from back in the days of dueling when fighting required skills. They had no machine gun, they had no .45, they had no uzi, all they had were huge ass swords to whack eachother with. Now, the House of Pain are from the streets, but the House of Burgesses,well they built the streets...So in conclusion, the House of Burgesses is better at whacking, so the day will be theirs. Win: House of Burgesses, whacking prevails
Tedzilla: Burgesses, no contest. They've got Patrick "Give me liberty, or give me death" Henry. Do you really need any other reason? I mean really, look at House of Pain: three white guys- Everlast, Danny Boy and DJ Lethal. Everlast and Danny Boy although cut, couldn't win a battle rap against Eminem, much less the greatest minds of Virginia during our Revolution. Win: House of Burgesses, the Pat Factor