October 16, 2005 things have been chaotic this year for me. especially where work is concerned. i make decent money but, i've been seriously considering giving up the nice paychecks and moving on. sometimes in life the money just isn't worth the trouble. when a job interferes with your personal life, your health and your christian life...is it worth staying? i just don't know right now. what i do know is that i am miserable and i am unable to do God's work at this place of employment. and that isn't good. i keep coming back to the words...grow where you're planted. there is no where to grow in this place of chaos, misery and sin. there is also no time. it's like being imprisoned in a living hell. i go through each day just trying to survive it. i'm exhausted both physically and mentally. i know this is not what God wants for me. i know as a christian he wants me to be able to fulfill his will. his will is to spread the gospel and i can't do it if i'm stuck at this place of utter darkness in my life. i need to freed from this place and put where i can grow for him. i long for that. he knows my needs and what it will take to get me to a place where i can do what he wants me to. i am merely here waiting for everything to fall into place according to his perfect timing. i truly believe that he will be enforcing his will in my life in the near future. i am uncertain of all the details but, i know it's coming. and i know the reward will be awesome. in the meantime i'm doing my best each day to keep my faith in check and keep my chin up. of course satan is discouraging me but, i am managing to fend him off with God's love. i want so badly for the time and knowledge to continue my bible studies so i can bring his word into focus and send it out into the world so that everyone knows about our loving God who wants to bring us salvation, love and mercy. my church recently had a flyer placed in the local free press paper. it was merely an invitation to come and taste Jesus Christ and his love. an invite for salvation. and as always someone took offense. they said they felt threatened and felt as though the church was being judgemental. i've never seen any of the other local churches do this. i was proud of them and proud to be a member of this church. knowing the Pastor the way i do...i know that this wasn't a threatening or judgemental message...instead it was a loving invitation to let God in.

October 25, 2005 i'm in the middle of vacation right now. i love vacation. it's the only time i can relax and get away from all that chaos and just be still. a few months back i joined a divorced christian women's group on yahoo. i thought perhaps this was a place of support. however, it was quite the opposite. i made mere mention of meeting a man i liked and i was immediately told i didn't need a man. i needed God. and that i was simply responding to lusts of the flesh. *raised brow* since when is falling in love with someone a christian offense? anyway, i decided this wasn't for me. i got this huge email calling me names and telling me i was all wrong and he was all wrong. she even accused him of not being christian and she doesn't know a thing about him. *laugh* i figure she must be Madame Cleo...the psychic. *haha* i've been battling some health issues and right before i went on vacation one of my co-workers got upset with me and tore into me with her usual temper tantrum. i didn't do anything to cause this. she was just angry because she actually had to do some work. *shocked look* there's been changes at work that have made the job pretty much unbearable. i grit my teeth and clock in each day and hope i survive it. i do know that i will need to find something else to do before long. i don't think my body is going to let me continue on this way. i'm not taking very good care of myself because my job is interfering in more than just any social life i might want. then there's this man in my life. the one i met that i like. so far he seems to be everything i've been praying for and i can say without a doubt in my mind that i honestly believe he is all part of God's plan for my future. i am anxious to meet him in person and see what develops. he is funny, compassionate, friendly, passionate and loving. and as an added bonus...he is the most handsome man i've ever laid eyes on. when he isn't able to be online to talk with me...i miss him and his company fiercely. he brings me joy. as i laid in bed tonight trying to work on getting some rest...the health issues were bugging me and so i took the opportunity to pray. i asked God to help things get better in my little world. i asked that he help things with this man go alright. and that his will be brought forth and set into motion for me. i prayed that he would fill me up with himself and allow me the written ability to show the world through my website, the inside of him...the love, the grace, the mercy & the salvation that he has to offer us. even during times when we are undeserving of it.

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