As I look back on the last few years I realize the change in me. From the songs of innosense I was always the lamb. In the course of my growth, somewhere between my sophomore year and the day before graduation, I've become the tiger of the songs of experience. When I first studied Blake's poetry I felt as the lamb must feel, plagued to life of sutle grazing. I could never imagine myself as a prowling tiger. One doesn't transform so easily it would seem. But without knowing, I was feeling the change every step of the way. A world that was so small and empty seemed to grow with me and fill as I was absorbing it all.
@ 6:37 PM
Monday, December 8, 2003
I�m not sure I�ve ever cry so much in my life as I did last night. No childhood tantrum or adolescent tragedy could quite stand up to the heart break I was served. I know I said I was going to let him go but what can you do when it seems like destiny is always bringing him to me? I chose to accept my fate and stay with him, a mistake I knew all too well. Upon first glimpse of him that evening I felt as I did years ago when there was no catastrophe between us. It almost felt as though my life was sitting right where it was destined to be. Flowing carelessly in the wave of my dreams. We spoke as couples often do once they have become as familiar as a marriage celebrating its 20th anniversary. I love that I have that with someone. His parents sitting next to us making me feel like I�m a part of his family not just his life. I feel so accepted by them. He�s mother is always giving me that knowing smile. His grandmother, so gentle and frail, looks at me as if we�ve known each other forever. His father, a constant reminder of where he gets his splendor. For just a second I tried to imagine me as a part of this family. It was no struggle at all. We were at a show listening to beautiful music telling the story in every word illustrating our own tragic past. From the very first strum of the guitar my eyes were wet with memories. I couldn�t control the emotion and I let it drain out of me like river fallen over a waterfall. I loved him so much and there he was, next to me. I stole a glimpse of him after hearing a muffled sniffing coming from beside me. He was crying too. The lights from the stage captured the heartbreak and agony of his pain as his eyes glimmered in their wetness. It was the most beautiful I had ever seen him. Not a second went by that I wasn�t conscience of the fact we were spending some of our last moments together. There we were, crying in harmony with the music and for the same reasons...a love lost and future uncertain. I touched his arm to let him know that I was there...we were together. I found his mother watching us as if she had discovered the truth about us. She seemed sad to realize. It makes the reality of it so much harder to bear. Though I know I will see him and still be apart of his life, I don�t know that I will ever get a chance to be with his family like that. It�s one thing to think that you can never get over someone, but what can you do when you can�t bear the thought of bonding with a new family? The whole situation was perfect and now it�s ruined. I said goodbye to them that night in a way that expressed an absolute goodbye. It was as if I was closing a door on something that I hoped would stay cracked open for the chance of a reopening, but I know I can�t hope for such a thing. Now I am going to trying to not be sad that it is over but happy that I experienced it. I will always remember that night and the absolute beauty in his face, the comfort in his touch and the love in his eyes.
@ 6:49 PM
Tuesday, December 2, 2003
I've spend everyday for the last 3 years loving him. Sometimes I can't even breath without thinking of him first. It's so unfair that I have to be the one to walk away broken. He isn't the one up at nights wondering what went wrong. I never told anyone and I hope he didn't either, but the moment he broke me is the very moment that we don't...wont talk about. Sometimes I wonder if it was ever even real. But as hurt as I was, I still loved him. I began to see all his flaws and all the things people tried to warn me about. I just learned to accept his flaws and fall in love with them too. As a science experiment I tried to move on. Try to find someone new. But what I found was shadows of him always watching me. When we are together now I wonder if there will ever be a day when I start to let go. When I watch a funny movie or hear a great song, I'm always aware that I wasn't able to share that moment with him. It's somehow less great because it's another thing we don't share. I met someone while on one of my whims to try to move on. I met someone that got what I was about and still wanted to be around me. I started to try and imagine myself with someone else. And what I realized was that it wasn't fair to settle in with someone when the only future you can imagine is with someone else. But the reality of the situation is that no matter how hard I wish for that dream to come true, it's just not possible. Should I still try to move on and spend my life with someone else that will always be second best? I'm not so cruel to string someone along like that. So what is to become of me? I try to imagine what I would do if I was granted one wish. Would I choose to fix things...or would I choose to completely remove my feelings for him so that I could move on? I would like to think that I would choose the latter. How great it would be to find love in a new place. Experience the first kiss again and the feeling of new that comes with it. I truly do want that more than a lifetime of living in the past. Last night when I was with him I was happier than I had been in a long time. No one makes me smile like he does. No one makes me laugh like the way I laugh when I'm with him. How am I going to find someone else that can do that to me? But at the same time, no one hurts me like he does. I don't know why he did it but between all our laughing, he did the one thing that hurts me the most. He called 'her' just to say hello. Out of no where while with me, he needed to say hello to her? I wonder if he thinks I can't read his actions...he leaves his notes all over his face. He called her to get a reaction out of me...he wanted me to be jealous...sad. I don't understand why he would purposely want me to feel bad. This is why I have to get away from him. Underneath everything good and happy about the way I feel around him, he will always have the desire to put me in my place-- beneath him. I wish things could be different. I wish all we ever had were the moments of bliss with no phone calls to ex girlfriends in the middle. And today I'm happy because all I can see in my head is his eyes looking at me making me feel like the only person he looks at like that. I own those eyes. I see his smile laughing at something I said making me feel like I own that smile...like I'm the only one that can make him happy. I have to let go of that image. I watched him walk away with a sickness in my heart--though it was a pleasing kind of sickness, if such a thing exsist. I mean to say that if you have experienced an evening more exciting than any in your life, you're sad to see it end; and yet you still feel grateful that it happened. I had changed from a lost girl facing a lifetime of emptiness to a girl with a purpose in her life. I felt as a dam must feel when it's holding back an entire river. I exploded with emotion at realizing this. I don't want to live in my broken dreams of him. I felt as though I were looking at a world that was somehow changed from the one I'd seen the night before...peering out almost, through the very window that had opened in my dream. I dreamt that I was trapped in a box with only a window to see out or try to escape from. He was there standing at the window showing me that the window was locked and he held the key. There was no way out. I was to spend my life as a prisoner to him. I felt the only possible way out would be for some hero to come along and over power him to save me. But no hero came. If I was to get out of the box I was to do it myself. My hand pushed through the shattering glass as I was awakening. Sometimes, no matter how long or hard you've loved someone, they'll never love you back. And sometimes you have to be okay with that.
@ 3:18 PM
Monday, December 1, 2003
Just when I start to get over some of the
psychological damage from my childhood...I have to go
home for Thanksgiving. Now, I should start off by
saying that this Thanksgiving was not as bad is its
predecessors. In fact, this one might have possibly
been one of the better ones. Let me start my holiday
review with the Tuesday I left town. While I was at
work, my Mom, Kathy, and Logan all came in and wasted
about 15 minutes of my time by talking and not
ordering anything and doing nothing but sitting
around talking to me. Thus making it impossible for me
to be able to eat before I had to go take a test. My
Mom came up there to get the key to my apartment so
she could start packing up some of my things while I
was taking my test. Well I get out of my test at about
4:00 and I get home and my Mom has gone through all my
drawers and refolded all my clothes because I had them
all just thrown in there. Not that it mattered...but I
thought they would have had everything packed and in
the truck after giving them 2 whole hours. But no...my
Mom was refolding clothes that weren't packed the way
they were suppose to be, putting us an hour off
schedule. And on top of feeling that I needed to take
home absolutely all my clothes, she then also had
decided that most of my furniture should go too. This
was very hard for me to watch because I absolutely
love my apartment and I don't want to move and
watching stuff go out the door makes this situation
real to me and I became very upset. Before we even
passed big Sam, I was choking back the tears because
I'm being torn from a place I love very much, to be
taken back to the scene of my childhood misery. It was
really hard and I cried all the way to Conroe. After
that I just sort of sat there in a daze. When I got
home I just unpacked my things and went to sleep.
Wednesday was eventful to a certain degree. It
started out with my Mom emptying out my bank account
to pay bills. It's not that I don't want to help or
give her money, it's that she doesn't ask for it...she
thinks it's hers to take. And not only did she take
out all my money, but she took out too much and now I
have -$31 on my account. She is ruining my credit and
my life. So after paying bills and sitting in the
parking lot of the bank for an hour with a flat tire,
we go shopping for ME to get something to wear for MY
graduation with MY money. I picked a nice little outfit
in the first store we went to. I liked it, it doesn't
even really matter to me what I wear as long as I'm
warm. But we had to go to every other store in the
mall to satisfy for her that there wasn't anything
else out there cheaper and uglier for me to wear. I
don't get it...I found something on a really great
sale that looked nice. Why..why God why did we have to
walk the whole damn mall before going back to the
first store to get what I wanted? And because I wanted
it she had to turn her nose up to it. SHE IS DRIVING
ME OUT OF MY MIND. Well when I get home from the mall,
it's now time for me to spend quality time with
Michelle, so I went BACK to the mall to go see a movie
with her. Why we left an hour early...I'll never know
but we did so we had no choice but to walk the mall
and look around at stuff. Michelle was not aware of
the fact that my day had already been wasted in the
mall so I do not blame her for the blister on my foot.
And it was actually much easier without the pressure
of my Mother. Anyhow, we went to see 'Love Actually'
which, actually had turned out to be one of the best
movies I have ever had to pleasure to watch with
clothes on. After the movie I took Logan to his house
to spend the night and to do some homework and get
away from my Mom. First of all, it was her idea that I
go over to do homework. But I guess when she realized
she couldn't torture me over there she changed her
mind and decided to get pissy about it. Not like I
really cared to do homework on a holiday but I went
with it anyway just to get out. On the morning of
Thanksgiving Logan and I head back to my house
reluctantly. You have to remember...when my family
gets together nothing good can come from it and even a
6 year old knows that. To my surprise, we wont be on
Cops holiday episode this year. There was no big fight
and this is with Donnie and Stephanie over. Mind you
Donnie stood in the crazy line a little too long when
God was passing out disorders. So for him to not cause
a scene and be a jackass is a pretty big feat. And
though I wasn't around Stephanie much, I didn't once
hear her criticized anyone or talk about anyone...but
again, I wasn't around her much. There really isn't
much else to report about that day. Not that everyone
didn't get a chance to criticize me in some way and try
to belittle me to compensate for the fact that they
are jealous of me. Of course give it a week or two and
I will back in the slimey pits of hell with them and I
will have nothing to make anyone jealous with. Well
except the fact that I'm good looking and smart. Early
Friday morning just after the crack of dawn, 9:30ish I
went shopping with Shannon and her sister Tara. Now we
all know that I was all shopped out from Wednesday's
excursions. But I do like hanging out with Shannon so
I decided to go anyway. What I forgot about Shannon is
that I like to hang out with her every time but the
time that she is shopping. She is just as painful as
my Mom. I can walk down a row of clothes and not stop
and be able to pick out what I like, what I don't and
what could be a maybe. I don't understand people that
have to stand there, hold up the outfit, stare at it,
and then start dancing with it through the isle just
to make sure it flows well. Before we even left the
first store I was dying with a headache. And not just
any kind of headache, one of those headaches that mess
with your vision and reaction time....come to think of
it, Shannon's eyes were a little blood shot...oh
nevermind. Anyhow, we went to Old Navy which is my
favorite place on Earth. I really wish I wasn't
feeling so bad or I would have played supermodel
documentary hour in the dressing room. Old Navy stuff
just looks so gosh darn cute on me. And Shannon got me
a scarf. It was sort of a blackmail pay off kind of
thing. She doesn't want me to tell people about her
gonorrhea. I don't know why she gets so stressed out
about it. I'm not going to tell anyone. After Old Navy
I took them to Casa Ole which is my favorite restaurant
in the world. Shannon and I share the love for El
Chico in Huntsville but I also wanted her to
experience my Mexican style flavor in Texas City. I
think she liked it. I couldn't really tell because my
head was hurting so bad and we were about to head to
the mall and that made it all worse. Shannon promised that we would only go to the one store and that was it. Naturally we didn�t just go to one store. We went to half the damn stores in the mall and Mall of the Mainland is a small mall so it�s not hard to do that. Anyhow, there�s plenty more to share but I�m tired of typing now.
@ 5:48 PM
Saturday, Novemeber 22, 2003
Friends are around but I don't let them see what is wrong with me. The will to survive and succeed had been crushed and defeated. I'm like a general on a battlefield being encroached on by my enemies...fear, hate, self-depreciation, desolation. I have to have the upper hand to control my environment, so I seek to die rather than surrender.
@ 2:18 PM
Tuesaday, November 18, 2003
An en is a Karmic bond lasting a lifetime. Nowadays many people seem to believe that their lives are entirely a matter of choice but...we view ourselves as pieces of clay that forever show they fingerprints of everyone who has touched us. His touch had made a deeper impression on me than most. No one could tell me whether he would be my ultimate destiny, but I had always sensed the en between us. Somewhere in the landscape of my life, he will always be present.
@ 5:57 PM
Thursday, November 13, 2003
This was the moment when I bean to understand how unaware I'd been...not only in planning to run away, but in everything. I'd never understood how closely things are connected to one another. And it isn't just the zodiac I'm talking about. We humans are only a part of something very much larger. When we walk along, we may crush a beetle or simply cause a change in the air so that a fly ends up where it might never have gone otherwise. And if we think of the same example in the role we've just played, it's perfectly clear that we're affected everyday by forces over which we have no more control over than the poor beetle has over our gigantic foot as it descends upon it. What are we to do? We must use whatever methods we can to understand the movement of the universe around us and time our actions so that we are not fighting the currents, but moving with them. As these thoughts ran through my head, my body began to grow heavy...I moved my arm in a sort of sweeping movement across my chest. I don't know why I did it...which seemed to me very sad. As I watched my arm sweep through the air, the smoothness of its movement seemed to express the feelings of sadness and desire. My arm passed through the air with great dignity of movement...not like a leaf fluttering from a tree, but like an ocean liner gliding through the water. I suppose that by "dignity" I mean a kind of self-confidence, or certainty, such that a little puff of wind or the lap of a wave isn't going to make any difference. What I discovered that afternoon was that when my body felt heavy, I could move with great dignity. Beauty itself struck me as a kind of painful melancholy. When I began to wonder what it might mean for my future, the world around me honestly seemed to grow dark. I felt as the waves of the ocean must feel when clouds have blocked the warmth of the sun. There are so many things I have dreamed about.
@ 5:37 PM
Friday, October 31, 2003
It's Halloween and I'm sick. I don't think I'll be going to any parties tonight. Which is a shame because I was going as Stacey's Mom. It was a big hit all day and I'm sure it would have worked around a bunch of drunks.
@ 4:25 PM
Monday, October 27, 2003
Would it be bad to eat eggs that expired 2 days ago? I wont die will I? I'm so tried of homework. I didn't even have much of a weekend. And I work all the time now to escape the loneliness but it's not really enough. But I did fill out a new survey!!!
1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? Green
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Anna Karenina, just finished Memiors of a Geisha
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? blue
4. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? no favorite game anymore
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Don't care about the world anymore
6. FAVORITE SMELL? Febrese
7. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? Mildew and trash
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Time for work
9. FAVORITE COLOR? Grey
10. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? Bright
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? No one calls me
12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? I'm not having kids.
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Life isn't important. We are only here till we aren't and then it will have all been for nothing.
14. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Doesn't matter, we're all going to die
15. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? eh
16. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? no..yes..I mean no.
17. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? annoying
18. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? a box
19. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? I'm tired of meeting people.
20. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? I'm not particular
21. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN &YOUR BIRTHDAY? Cancer, july 14
22. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Why not..maybe I'll choke.
23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? some soul sucking job that pays less than 30,000 a year.
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I don't need hair...well maybe for a little while in the winter.
25. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? I don't even have a glass
26. FAVORITE MOVIE? What Dreams May Come, Amelie, Moulin Rouge
28. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? a tv
29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? I really just don't sit around wondering what my favorite number is
30. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? I don't
31. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? Living
32. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: This is kinda hard considering Dory doesn't like me too much and for that matter, neither does Shannon. I suppose they are both really nice people with wonderful futures to look forward to.
33. PERSON MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don't care...please don't, I could care less about your life.
34. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don't care.
35. FAVORITE CD? Ataris "End is Forever"
36. FAVORITE TV SHOW? ER
37. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? condiments are vanity for food.
38. HAMBURGERS OR HOT-DOGS? Whatever
39. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK? sprite
40. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? Haven't been there yet
41. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW? George Harrison
42. BURGER KING or MCDONALD'S? Whatever will kill me faster.
@ 5:36 PM
Wednesday, October 8, 2003
I decided I don't like boys anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do about sexual needs but I will think of something.
@ 5:15 PM
Friday, September 19, 2003
So turns out I hate school. I'm working so I got less time to be alone. I'm hoping this will take away some of the depression. And today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day and that makes me happy.
@ 10:55 AM
Sunday, September 3, 2003
I'm a little sad today. I have this weird chapped skin on my face that just popped up yesterday. I've been putting vaseline on it and that helps. Who knew 3 years ago when I bought it that I would be using it for this. And I woke up today with a stiff neck. Oh and I had to walk to school in the rain with my broken umbrella. Today is my day!!
@ 12:22 PM
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
I'm really sad today. This last semester of school hasn't been very fun for me. I know it only started last week but if this first week is any indication of how this rest of the year will go, I'm going to be sad an aweful lot. Most of my friends are graduated or expelled and then ones that are still here just seem so distance. So I spend most of my time alone. I'm either sitting by the pool alone reading, or read at home, sometimes I just go for long walks and wander all over town. And I'm in bed by 10:30...that when I'm suppost to be going out. And I go to class now just for the stimulation for being around other people. Before I didn't want to graduate and go home but now I think it's really just the best thing. Nothing is keeping me here anymore.
@ 12:09 PM
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Okay, I got my money problems sorted out. I was having an issue with the financial aid folks. Now I'm having trouble with the phone company. It's always something I guess.
My first day of class was boring. I just came home about noon for my lunch break and fell asleep. Well, I woke up at 4:30am this morning and couldn't sleep so I went for a walk. Then when it was actually time to go to class at 9am, I was ready to go back to sleep. This is going to be a fun semester. I can tell already.
@ 12:45 PM
Wednesday, August 15, 2003
Is it strange to love yourself and really mean it?
@ 10:56 AM
Monday, August 11, 2003
Just to give an update on my situation, I'm still living with the parents. Thursday I will be moving back to Huntsville. I can't wait. I've really done nothing here but sat around and gained weight. So I welcome the hills and altitude. I'm so sad...I actually have a schedule I live by that incorporates my tv watching schedule. This is no good because I do not have a tv in Huntsville. I may just have to give in and buy one. I've avoided it for 3 years now. I'm going to get one with the caption in Espanol because that's how I learn spanish. I like to buy my movies like that if I can. I know all the bad words because I have American Pie in spanish. But that's bad. I also have to pay rent later this week and I only have $50. I had a gardening job while I've been with my parents. I only have one more day of work. I'm glad to see that job go because it doesn't pay anything. I'm going to be looking for an inside job next time.
@ 10:31 AM
Friday, July 25, 2003
I'm not proud of this, but my Mom went out of town and left me the car. The first thing I did was go to the store and buy cigarettes. I was off the sticks for a month but I just can't take it. All the fresh air was killing me. And it's not even like I get to smoke freely. I have to hide from my dad. I feel 15 again. Both of my parents are nazi's about smoking and I've done a good job of playing the perfect daughter. They have no clue!! I can't smoke in the house because they can sniff it out and I can't really smoke openly outside because my Mom has the neighbors watching (mostly to make sure I don't use the car). So here I am, 23 and I'm smoking in the bushes. I got desperate one night and decided I could chain smoke in my bathroom because my Dad doesn't ever go in there. It took me 2 days to get the smell out. So I wont be doing that again. My brother has been coming over a lot and he would love to get some dirt on me. But I'm quitting anyway. Maybe after Christmas. As a new years resolution.
@ 10:35 PM
Wednesday, July 19, 2003
Okay I need someone out there to tell me that I'm right. Today my friend's brother is getting married. I was suppose to be there. I've been friends with the family for years. Michelle and I have been friends since we danced together at the early age of 5. Of course I've always been the more talented of the two, I started when I was 3. But that's besides the point. Well I went from being one of many invited to the wedding, to being one of the two friends Michelle was going to invite because it's a big wedding and they needed to cut the invitation list down. Plus her brother hates one of her friends and so she didn't feel right inviting everyone but her. She was just going to have me and her new roommate that she has known all of 4 months to the wedding. Well last week was my birthday and Michelle never even said anything to me. The day after my birthday I went to her house to hang out and she never mentioned it. She talked about the wedding and also mentioned that Kate, her roommate was her date. No mention of me being her second date. So at first I didn't get mad because I really didn't care about going to the wedding. I'm happy were I am. But the fact remains, I was suppose to go, she never formally said she didn't want me there. And I'm trying not to be mad about her forgetting my birthday because I know she's had a busy week but now I'm not so sure she did forget my birthday. She was talking to me about getting an email on the 15th...which means she knows the 14th past. I make no secret that my birthday is the 14th of July. Michelle is usually the only person I can count on to remember and do something with me. So yeah, I was trying to not get mad but I am. I'm to the point that I could throw something mid to very heavy and probably hurt myself in the process. So am I over reacting? I know she's going to call me on Tuesday so we can hang out again but I don't think I want to pick up the phone when she calls. She uses me. She calls me at all hours of the night to cry to me about boys and about how all her other friends and her roommates treat her so bad. Well I'm tired of being there for here every hour on the hour. And then I'm not good enough to go to her brother's wedding but this stranger is.
@ 2:27 PM
Thursday, July 17, 2003
I will give $100 million to anyone that can bust me out of prison.
But you have to take it in payments.
@ 10:48 AM
Thursday, July 17, 2003
I did this last night before I went to bed. I thought I would share even though it's not up to my usual funny response.
1. What time is it now? 12:10am
2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Adolph Elizabeth Hilter
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? 23. But not that you cared to notice or even said happy birthday. Expect for the 4 people that did and you know who you are.
4. Pets? Logan
5. Favorite animals? Dinosaurs
6. Tattoo? I have a leprechaun on my ass that says lucky you...because you'd be pretty damn lucky to see it.
7. How much do you love your job? Sweeping, and mopping and mowing, and dusting and milking, etc is fine and all but the gig at the end with the prince doesn't look like it's going to happen.
8. Birthplace? a Scotish moor
9. Favorite vacation spot? The west indies.
10. Been to Africa? Fuck Africa and all the african whores there!!!!
11. Stolen any traffic signs? It's not that I hate all Africans....just the dirty sluts.
12. Been in a car crash? I don't even ask that he love me back...but to date an African milk maid??
13. Croutons or Bacon Bits ? I just thought we had something special. Ya know, even if we haven't even ever met.
14. 2-door or 4-door car? I bet he takes her for a spin in his mini.
15. Coffee? No not right now..I'm too depressed
16. Salad dressing? No dressing either, I'm not hungry
17. Color of socks? No socks please...I just want to die.
18. Favorite Number? 6...for 6 feet under
19. Favorite Movie? I've watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang twice just today!!!!!!!!
20. Favorite Color? Octopus green..is that a real color?
21. Favorite Holiday? Bastille Day or as the French like to call it, National Day. I however like to call it MY BIRTHDAY. Not that any of you like to call it my birthday or even remembered to call!!!!!!
22. Favorite Food? young of lion
23. Favorite day of the week? none...everyday sucks.
24. Favorite Song? Currently "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen but as sung by Celine Dion a la Bridget Jones.
25. TV Show? Queer Eye for the Straight Guy..it was FABULOUS!!!
26 Toothpaste? I don't even know what I use...but I swear I use it.
27. Most recently read book? I just picked up a new book yesterday but I forget the title. It's a murder mystery kind of book.
28. Cologne or Perfume? I like the smell of a REAL man.
29. Favorite scent? my dirty laundry
30. Favorite thing? I can only have one?
31. Fast Food place? .99 cent menu places
32. When was your last hospital visit? April I think
33 Favorite non-alcoholic drink? kool aid
34. How many times did you fail your drivers license test? 16 times
35. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Out of rehab working for the city. And going bowling on Wednesdays. Not to be confused with Tuesday night bingo at the lodge.
36. Furthest place you will send this message? Somewhere in the persian gulf...not that it will get read there or anything. God, he acts like he has something better to do than read my emails.
37. Closest place you will send this Message? Well, Michelle just a short bus ride to galveston.
38. Who will respond the fastest? Maybe someone that actually remembered my birthday.
39. Least likely to respond? How about everyone because no one loves me.
40. Like to cook and bake? I'm excellent in the kitchen. And any man would be lucky to have me. Because I'm as equally distinguished in the bedroom....hey I could be you don't know...stop laughing!!
41.What time is it now? 12:45am..I was cheating and watching Even Stevens too.
@ 7:41 AM
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
My life. For 23 years now I have moved and breathed and not once truly lived. Never felt. At least not in any way that shows signs of life. So now I shield myself from any warmth. I turn from any comfort. I stalk the kind of life that that can only drain me more. I am seduced by heart break and dark corners of the world. This is my past reflecting the only future I can image as real. The darkness and emptiness of a lonely ocean...so full of life and resource, but emptied by isolation. It is a vast world of emptiness out there. I swallow more of it everyday. Soon I will be consumed with the void. My bare bones exposed to the absence of a fleshy home.
But besides all that, I'm cool. I've been taking Logan, my nephew, to swimming lessons everyday. I think it's a waste of time. I could teach him and do a better job. I miss sitting by the pool everyday. I'm going to be pasty white before I get back to Huntsville. Which, to my dismay, will be later than I thought. My Mom thought that I had to move in on the first of August. I made the mistake of telling her that we can prorate the rent and I could move in later. So now that's the plan! YAY!! More time at home!! Oh boy!! Anyhow, I had a crappy birthday. Only 3 people bothered to email me to say something. And no one called me. Donnie, my brother, came over and that pissed me off because he only comes over to start trouble and I would rather he just stay away if he isn't going to learn how to be a normal person. So lets see, I had a terrible birthday, Donnie is a dumbass...what else? Oh, my mom is slowly driving me insane. She's decided that I'm her personal slave.
There has been one good thing about my last 2 weeks. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. FUNNY! It premired last night. I don't have cable but I was at a friends house and we watched it. I'm mad at her right now because she is not one of the 3 people that remembered my birthday, but I am willing to hang out with her every Tuesday so I can watch the show. Maybe I will forgive her soon anyway...maybe.
Oh and I was in a little wimpy catagory one hurricane. I slept through it mostly. My house is on the mainland and it's guarded by the island. The islanders got a beating though. I think it's stupid that people build houses out there anyway. Gee, let me spend thousands of dollars to build a house on an eroding beach that gets tropical storms all the time.
I'm a sad bitter little person.
@ 5:17 PM
Monday, July 3, 2003
My ship to the Americas is in port so I must board. I will write when I can. Think of me everytime you see the gordan's fishman or the jolly green giant.
@ 1:28 PM
Monday, July 3, 2003
My Mom has got to cut the umbilical cord from her side because I'm already loose on my end. I'm not even home yet and she is driving my crazy. Constantly riding my ass for something.
NOTE TO PARENTS:
Let your children breath or they will spend their adult life trying to get away from you.
Anyhow, I think I made a B in my stat class. I guess with a little bit more study time I could have made an A but that is the kind of class that most people pray for at least a D so I'm not going to press my luck with the B. I'm happy with it.
As much as I hate going to school (class), it's going to suck to be away from it for so long. I don't really have friends back home anymore. The ones I do have, I don't like every much. I'm already avoiding their calls and emails to go hang out. Is that wrong of me?
@ 9:25 AM
Sunday, July 2, 2003
I'm sad. Tomorrow I have to be shipped off to the Americas. (Okay...no more Renaissance movies for me.) Actually, I have to go back to my parents house and live there for a month and a half. This is not an easy task. Some might say, "Well, it's free rent and food." But that's not worth the pain of living with dictators. The food...when i can get it, is not that great. I usually just choose to starve than eat the stuff my mom calls food. Honestly, it's like she knows all the foods that make me sick and she buys it in bulk. So I'm going to be one sad sad girl for a while. Hopefully I will be able to find someone to hire me for that short of time so I have something to do with my days.
@ 10:15 AM
Saturday, July 1, 2003
Sometimes I really hate grad students. Mostly they are helpful and they know what it's like to be in our position. But then there are the few that act like they are so much better than everyone. They make me want to bit them so HARD!!
@ 10:42 AM
Friday, June 30, 2003
My horoscope for today:
Quote:
Close relationships could lead to a feeling of spiritual unity today. In fact, CRYSTAL, you might find yourself feeling as if those who share your interests are actually your family now. If you're involved romantically, expect to experience warm and passionate feelings towards your partner. If you're not, don't be surprised if someone new comes on the scene. Shared intellectual interests might be what brings you together. Enjoy your day.
Sounds like I should have a promising day. Why do I read those? Yesterday said something good too and I had a terrible day. It ended with me sitting in the dark for 3 hours doing nothing but crying. I don't like to be alone. I react negatively to it. I got all dressed up nice and no one to see it. I have a feeling that will be the story of my life.
@ 10:14 AM
Sunday, June 29, 2003
I was just down in the green room here on campus. I haven't been hanging out with the theatre kids too much this summer so i thought I would pop in. Well turns out tonight is the closing night of a show that I didn't know about and I didn't have any money to get in. A lot of my friends are in it so I feel bad for missing it. But at the same time, those crackers didn't call me to tell me there was a show either. Anyhow, I was down in the green room and my friend came in with the new HP book. She's almost done with it so I couldn't talk to much about it. But then we got into this big Harry Potter conversation...the whole cast practically. I was the only person that has read the whole book. They looked at me in aww. But I was also the only one in the room that hasn't been in rehearsal all week. That was fun to talk to people about it though. I wish everyone would hurry up and read it already!! Oh and we got in this HUGE H/H and R/H battle. I've never had one of those before. It was really fun!!
@ 8:30 PM
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
My brother had his baby late last night!!! This is my 11th niece or nephew. This one being a niece. Kaylee Nicole. But I think her parents think she's a boy.
@ 10:15 AM
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Alas, I was able to get my book at midnight Friday night! Mind you I had to do some illegal and stupid things, but I got that book!! I would say what but I'm afraid we may have children in the audience or at least impressionable ears. Anyhow, I got the book and I read straight through the weekend only taking breaks to sleep and eat. Meals consisted of grapes and yogart. No time to cook. Yesterday when I was done reading I realized I was so hungry and that I hadn't had a real meal since Friday. Harry can do that to you. I also took a test yesterday. Now I know I said I would set up a study schedule so I could get in a lot of good study time and still read the book, but I'm afraid I just couldn't stop reading. I spend from Friday night till monday morning, alone in my apartment only answering the phone twice (my brother is having a baby this week so I had to answer if my mom called). But I took my test Monday morning and I felt really really bad about it. About an hour before the test I started using some acting methods and started memorizing the text a bit. That seemed to go well because I came out with a 85% when I was expecting a D. I didn't care though, Harry was all that was important, and turns out I didn't even fail so goodie for me!
As for my opinion of the book... Totally not expecting the death. So many times I thought the scene was setting up a death and then it never happened. So when it did happen, I wasn't even expecting it anymore. I didn't even cry right away..I only cried right at the end when Harry discovered his gift and then continued to cry till the last page.
@ 11:19 AM
Friday, June 20, 2003
Well this went from the best day of my life to the worst. I'm not going to be able to get my book tonight with the rest of the world. The person I was relying on to get me back to school wont be able to drive me. Let me remind you that I currently have no car and have to rely on others. I could try to get the book here in town but it's pointless, I know the store will be sold out. I'm so mad about it. It's like everyone is trying to keep me from the book. Why does everything have to come attached to drama? I'm starting to crack up a little bit because it just seems like I can't ever get things to come smooth for me. So now I'm going to spend the weekend crying in bed because alas not only do I have no man, I have no harry. My german already had to hide all my knives. She didn't want to leave me earlier...that's how bad of a state I'm in.
@ 3:05 PM
Friday, June 20, 2003
My horoscope for today:
Quote:
What changes have there been in your life since this time last year? Take a good look at your life and think about the events that have taken place. What have you accomplished? What decisions have you made? And most importantly, how much you have grown as a person? Try to make changes by following your intuition. Even though it seems stressful and sometimes painful, change means growth!
I took a look back to where I was this time last year and I was pretty much in the same place. Sitting in summer school thinking up ways to not have to graduate and go home. Actually, last summer's plan was to get engaged. This summer's plan is to just accept my fate and move on. I may not want to but I know I have to. I think I've grown as a person quite a bit. I've learned a lot of responibilities and I've learned a lot about the kind of person I want to be. I think I'm a lot less selfish and the financial struggles I have been through have really shaped me into a more compassionate person. All and all, this last year taught me a lot about myself, but it's also taught me about other people. I've seen how money can corrupt a person and I don't ever want to be like that. Even if it means I have to be poor my whole life. Being poor isn't as bad as being heartless.
Well, it's the day before my books gets here. I will be in line at 11:30 tonight to get my book. I should just spend the whole day napping but I'm too excited. I didn't even have class today but I still got up at 7:00. It's still early but it looks like it's going to be another laying out by the pool day. My story was just updated so I will probably take it down to the pool after lunch and read all 100 pages of it. Then I will probably start cleaning house like a mad woman. My friend, Michelle, is coming into town to pick me up from Huntsville and take me home with her to south Houston. That is where we ordered our books (last febuary). God, I can't believe it's finally here. I just know today is going to feel like a week. Maybe I should just go back to sleep.
@ 9:10 AM
Thursday, June 19, 2003
So I've been studying for this lab midterm all week right? That test was so unbelievably simple. I got done and noticed that no one else was finished yet. I hate to be the first one to turn a test in so I sat there for 10 minutes going over the test and still no one got up. So I decided to risk looking like I was cheating by looking around to see where everyone was on the test and they were all mostly on the 3rd page (being a 4 page test). I'm completely confidant that I made a 100% or something close to it. I don't know, maybe it was a fluke. I'm never the smartest person in class.
@ 5:34 PM
Thursday, June 19, 2003
I'm a little sad. I just went and bought my lunch and then took it down to the green room. For those that don't know what that is, it's a hang out room in the theatre building. I haven't been over there at all this summer because I'm not in a theatre class but I always eat over there when I'm on campus so I just thought I would do that today. The point I'm getting at, is that I was around a setting that is very familar to me and I always feel welcomed in. So people would come in say hi or whatever and go about there business. I love that and I miss it. Well I was finished eating and just sitting there reading the New Yorker (mostly just the comic stripes) when I noticed my cousin walk in. Now I've called her 3 times this summer and she hasn't once answered or called me back. So she walks in, doesn't even look at me, signs some form on the walk and then leaves. Why is she acting like that? She's one of the only friends I have here in town and she's blowing me off. It hurts my feelings not only is she a friend but she's family too. Last time I saw her in early May everything was fine between us. The thing about her is that she only wants to be friends with you when it's convient to her. I guess I have nothing to offer her right now so she doens't need me. And next month when my birthday rolls around she'll call. But I don't want her attention because she feels oblicated to talk to me. I want her to call me because we're friends and that's what friends do. She's always been like this and it really bugs me. And everytime she comes calling it's because she wants or needs something from me, I'm always there to help her. She is never there for me. Whenever I ask for help, or sometimes just a simple ride somewhere, she always finds a way to causually say, "I hate when people can't do things for themselves." I think it's time I just cut the strings because I don't need people like that making me feel like i'm not worthy.
@ 2:21 PM
Thursday, June 19, 2003
You know those survey type things you get in the email sometimes where your friend wants you to answer the questions about them? Well my friend sent me one and even though I didn't send it back for her to fill out about me, she did anyway. I thought I would share what she had to say about me because it was mostly nice:
Your name: dory
Where did we meet?: youre right, some apt i assume
Take a stab at my middle name: lynn?? youre not one to open up with things
How long have you known me?: goin on 5 months i guess...not too long...no youre right since october so...that'd be 8 months...golly in one month you'll be havin my baby!
Do I smoke?: yes, and you think you look sexy doing it
Do I believe in God? youre right, trick question...that is unless you are asking about attaway, then the answer is yes
What was your first impression of me upon meeting? "this one's funny, i think we'll get along just fine"
What's my age?: 22?? i think so
And my birthday? i'm no good at this stuff...i'm thinking julyish??
And my eye color ? green?? i wasnt looking into your eyes when we were doin it
Do I have any siblings?: ive met a little kid though i know he's not a sis or bro. i know you have 2 bro's at least but i'm not sure... i'm a bad friend
Have you ever had a crush on me?: naw...dont need to love ya to fuck ya
What's one of my favorite things to do?: eat chocolate
Do you remember one of the first things I said to
you?: "hey. can i watch your tv?"
What's my favorite type of music?: you go through phases, the last one was sad songs
What is the best feature about me? your hair, hands down!
Am I shy or outgoing? shy around those you dont know...outgoing around the crowd (us)
Would you say I am funny?: as fuck
Am I a rebel or do follow all the rules? you wanna break outta the shell but you tend to hold back (aka russell's car)
Any special talents?: chocolate chip cookies...i'm in withdraw!
Would you consider me a friend?: yes i do...and i havent been avoiding you hun, i was not home when you were knocking the day shan came into town, and this past weekend i was gone from wednesday till sunday night
Have you ever seen me cry?: no i havent...i think you lack the glands
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?: sinner
What's your favorite memory of me?: when you brought me cookies...i love it!
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring?: my basket o chocolate i gave you with some reserves!
@ 10:37 AM
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Hi this is Bea Arthur, Lil Bow Wow, and the Domino's Pizza Noid, and we're teaming up to spread the word about monkey pox.
Crazy Crackers school is slowly extracting my soul.
I have my lab midterm in a few hours so I guess I should probably study for it. And it looks like it's going to be beautiful day so I am going to take a book down to the pool and relax. I have a monster of a test Moday that is going to mess up my beautiful weekend of laying about and reading ootp. So my original goal of being finished by monday morning is no more. I'll have to divide up my reading and studying time so I can do both. Tomorrow I'm going to study all day just to get the most of it out of the way. And I'm so nervous about getting the book that I can't think about anything else. I've been studying for this lab midterm and I can't concentrate on it.
Like I said, extracting my soul.
@ 9:37 AM
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
I know I just posted (this is very addicting) but I just had to share. I was just all upset and throwing things because I talked to my mom and she was pissing me off about coming home and I called her a few choice words and told her where she could stick her head. Me and Mom don't get along too much. And just as I was about to throw myself out of a window, my sister-in-law called. She said she would take care of my mom and to not worry about coming home. She said my mom was mostly just blowing hot air about disowning me and telling me she hopes I rot in hell. And then she even said she would pay for my book as a birthday present!! So go me!!! Although now I'm going to have to deal with my mom while I'm trying to read my book. And trust me, she will do everything possible to try and ruin it for me. But I don't care. Once i have that book I don't think even my mom can upset me.
@ 5:08 PM
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
I decided to go to the pool anyway. I did some laps and boy are my arms tired...BUDUMBUM...
Yeah I'm funny sometimes.
Starting to think I should have just taken the nap.
My mom is being a real pain about me coming home this weekend. She knows the sole reason is so I can get my OotP copy and she hates my love of harry potter so she does everything to destroy it. So she is trying really hard to make it to where I can't come home. So I may just stay with a friend because I don't need her shit. My Mother makes me crazy!!
I have a midterm tomorrow so I have to go study for some school.
@ 4:39 PM
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Maybe I can't affords to stay in bed all day now, but one day, I'll be rich enough to hire people to stay in bed for me! I think I'm going to go eat some lunch and then sit by the pool for a while. Actually, scratch that. I just looked outside and it's too cloudy. Okay so I think I'm going to go eat lunch and then take a nap. I wish I had a life. Maybe I'll take a walk. Or maybe I'll just pretend like I'm going to take a walk and then take a nap instead. Now that sounds more like something I would do.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
@ 10:48 AM
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
This was my horoscope this morning:
Quote:
Forget about work for a change, CRYSTAL, and focus instead on your love life! You know what we're talking about. This is one area of your life that can really use some attention. There's no sense waiting for your partner to do it; it is up to you. Why not book a romantic weekend away? It will do wonders for your relationship, and you will add spark to your life just by anticipating the fun the two of you will have. Your commitment should mean more than your independence.
Apparently the astronomer didn't get the memo that the new harry Potter is coming out this weekend and I will have no time for shenanigans! Although finding a boyfriend would be nice. And forgetting work is even better. Today was the hardest day ever in class. I thought about faking a seizure just to get out of there. But then I remembered that they would probably take me to the hospital and who wants to go through all that paper work when you could just sit in class and daydream? So I did that. I thought about what would happen in the new HP book mostly. The wait is killing me!
@ 9:54 AM
Monday, June 16, 2003
This isn't an American Teen Princess pageant...it's NAZI GERMANY!!
Life was okay about an hour ago. Back when my lab midterm was scheduled for tomorrow and my lecture midterm was scheduled for Thursday, thus leaving my weekend free from study and able to read Harry Potter. Well my prof is behind schedule so she moved our lab test to Thursday and pushed the lecture test to Monday. So now I have to try to squeeze in study time between my reading. Maybe she'll let me take it early. I'm one of her Hermione-esque students so maybe she will make allowances for me. But she scares me a little so I don't know how to ask her. What if I anger her and she takes out on me by failing me on my midterm!!! That'll show me to ask to take the test early!!
@ 10:32 AM
Sunday, June 15, 2003
I am so unbelievable bored. Living alone sucks. Maybe I should just give in and get cable. I miss my cats. My old roommate got custody of them because I can't afford them. But I loved them way more than she did!! They both chose to sleep in my bed with me. Probably because I'm not a skeezy hoser. I miss my bed companions. Now I sleep all alone on a futon. I need a boyfriend. @ 4:23 PM
Friday, June 13, 2003
Friday the 13th. What better day to start working on my webpage again? Well what's new with me? I'm back in school after a terrible break at home with the parents. I'll spare the details. But now that I'm back at school and I spend a lot of time alone. All my friends like their families and hometowns so they go home for the summer. Plus most of my friends have now graduated or flunked out. So I spend most of my time sleeping, reading, studying, thinking about trees... but I don't really spend time with other people. I did finally go shopping yesterday. Food is great!
Off topic, why does Micheal Jackson dress so bad? He was just on tv wearing a sweater my grandma would wear.
@ 3:25 PM
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Green Room
Secret spider on the wall
Secret he knows about all
Never does he tell
That we will all fail
Good faith and young hearted
We are all blind to see we
Are where we started
Secret spider tells no lies
Only weeves the truth with silient, ominescent eyes
@ 6:31 PM
Monday, March 24, 2003
Strangely, I like his flaws too. A staggering drunk. I don't see an idiot. I see a lost soul. He's the soft shell clam cracked and emptied. Does no one see just how fragile he is? Does no one love him the way I do? I saw the way his mother engulfed him in a protective hug. She knows his delicacy. She knows and loves his flaws too.
@ 6:31 PM
Tuesday, March 3, 2003
Strange how one moment in time connects us to the rest of our lives. One day, one hour, one look and everything that was planned is now lost in time. I shouldn't be here. One short moment in time that lasted the length of an eternity and now I'm here...letting this moment change me again.
@ 10:45 PM
Monday, February 24, 2003
Laughing
Laughing
Laughing
So hard
I cry so loud
No one can hear
@ 6:31 PM
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
I've got to put you out of my mind somehow.
Not a day goes by.
Where's the day I'll start forgetting?
Stop living a lie?
@ 2:01 PM
Sunday, February 9, 2003
Kissing someone else makes me feel like a cheater. Will I ever truly belong to someone else?
@ 6:31 PM
