Tuesday, October 22, 2002
TODAY HAS BEEN THE WORSE DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! I can't even go into right now.

Monday, October 21, 2002
He takes my breath away. Everyday we have less.

Thursday, October 17, 2002
It's getting harder. The light is further away. I recieved news last week that I think is both bad and good. My original plans to graduate in May are no more. There is no way I can take all the classes that I have to take. It's better that I just stay next fall and finish then. It's bad because I'm really just done with school. I'm tired and I want to go home. It's good because it delays the growing up that I really don't want to do. And now I have more time here in Huntsville to work on "the plan." If I haven't mentioned "the plan" it is because it is top secret. All I'm going to say is that it involves me not going crazy and shooting a bunch of people. So right off it sounds like a good plan. Anyway, I'm all depressed and stuff because life isn't flowing in the way it was suppose to when I wrote it up in 8th grade. It was suppost to be 5 years of college...not 5 and half. And I'm suppose to be getting engaged this year. Matt Damon wont write me back...he just ignores me. But that's okay because now that I'm working on "the plan" I don't need him. As a matter of fact...I'm going to go work on it right now.

Monday, October 7, 2002
My head hurts. I'm currently a very boring person. I study a lot and spend hours in the library. I'm a nerd. I even snorted when I laughed yesterday...and it wasn't even a funny joke. I spend every single daylight (and some night hours) at school this weekend. I've been helping out painting the set that Tracy designed for a show. And then later this week I will go see the show. I actually saw a run of it last night. It was ok. I do love the theatre. And not because I'm trying to be around a certain someone...that's over. But I really don't even mind being there all weekend. I would live there if they would let me...there's a bed. Actually, that building has everything I need...good lighting and a loud system. I may design my own personal play house to live in. I already want to build my house and make all the furniture, why not do some crazy stuff to it? I need to go meditate my head ache away.

Thursday, October 3, 2002
I got bored so I thought I would update. Actually, it's not that I'm bored and have nothing to do. I'm bored of my work and I think I need a break. So anyway, things aren't working out anymore with someone I think I'm just going to throw in the towel. It's almost been two years now. It really doesn't seem like it's been that long. Anyway, I always feel like I have so much to say and that I should update more but then when I get here I suddenly seem so boring. All I really do is go to class, go home and sleep all day and then sit around all night being a loser with fellow losers. Last night we played a game of I never and of course I won with my chaste ways. However, I don't think I will be able to ever look any of those people in the eye ever again. Luckily they were all drunk. I wasn't drinking because I had a test this morning and that would be bad. But they didn't know I wasn't drinking. So maybe they wont remember most of it. And now I'm going to go repeat the same sorry pattern.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002
I haven't been really keeping up with the diary because school is a major bitch right now. I shouldn't have said, I've also lost all signs of my morals. I suppose a comment like that needs an explanation but I don't have one. I just dont' really care about anything anymore. In that last sentence I didn't put the common in don't in the right place, but I really just dont' care.

Monday, September 2, 2002
Ok so it took a week but I'm off my high horse. I've actually been very sick with lots of time to ponder things and think about things clearly. I don't hate all men. It's not fair. It's true there is no such thing as a nice guy but that's only by my standards. If you had to put up with the shit I've had then you would understand why I feel that way. Maybe people think that's wrong and I'm sorry but it's how I feel. Anyhow, back to how great I am. I think this entry is pointless. I wanted to update the journal but I really just don't have anything good to say. My life sucks and I hate it and I want a vacation to Florida and I'm not sure why. Love don't live here anymore. I'm tired and I don't really have anything to say.

Monday, August 26, 2002
You know what? I am fed up with big boobed blonde girls. Every single and I mean every single encounter I have ever had with a male has ended with him choosing some big tit bimbo blonde. But, the worst part is each one of these guys has stated before hand, "I don't like girls like that. I want someone with substance." So let me correct myself. I don't hate blonde woman. You were born that way and it would be wrong of me. But I do hate the men that love them. It's just not right. What makes them so much better? I know blondes...they are just normal girls. I don't feel differently about men that have blonde hair in comparison to darker shades of hair. I don't even care if they have nice boobs. Why do men care so much? I just don't get it. I've decided to research this. I'm currently in a research class and at some point I believe we have to conduct a research and I believe this is what I want to know about. It bugs me and it has ever since...well since it first happened to me in 5th grade I guess. So this is something that boys pick up at a very early age. Why? Why God Why? Why does the amount of pigmentation in hair and placement of fatty tissue matter so much? Did we not all evolve from the same bacteria? Going back to my feelings about men. Just a few days ago I saw a man I thought to be attractive. He has dark hair and all that "perfect man" stuff that comes with looks. Well maybe a day or two later I saw a blonde guy with the less than perfect look. Exact opposites one might think. But to me, they were both cute. The tall dark handsome man was just that. The shorter blonde guy had a look that was equally attractive. Maybe it's just different with guys. It's okay for them to be all different shapes and shades and whatever else. But all women have to be manufactured into looking the same. Maybe that would make men cheat less. If all women were the same there would be no point to go out seeking others. Maybe I should bleach my hair and get a boob job. Perhaps this is the answer. Maybe I was wrong to think it was okay to be yourself when really, we should all be the same. Obviously I'm having trouble right now with a certain someone.

Saturday, August 24?, 2002
Yes that's right..I don't know what day it is. That can only mean one thing...school has started! I do know that it is FINALLY Saturday which is why I have this time to write in here and recap the week. Monday was my Dad's 60th birthday. That's usually a good thing but it's a reminder to me that he's getting older and can't work anymore so I have to be the bread winner for the family. I talked to my Mother today again about how important it is that I graduate and get back home which is the one thing I don't want to do. Meanwhile she is out buying things for Chris's new house when he has done nothing but turn his back on us in our time of need. He gets to go out and live his life and treat my parents like shit while I have to move back in less than a year now and support them because my brothers are selish and I refuse to be. Anyway, I digress. Wednesday classes started and I've had every problem a person can have with getting in classes. Every class needs about 2 or 3 books that are all over $80 and you HAVE to have them. I have one book so far and about 12 more to go. Lets see, what else is going on? Yep that's about it. I'm miserible and nothing is working out for me. On a lighter note, it is Saturday which means Big Brother and SNL comes on tonight. I don't feel like hanging out. I just don't like people. No offense but I probably don't even like you. Shannon read my tarot the other day and it said that I was going to be getting very bitter and becoming more of a pessimistic. Well that turned out to be true. I don't even remember what she said the outcome of all this would be. I think it was something positive so I chose to just ignored it. Things don't end well for me and I'm use to it so nothing a card tells me is going to change that. This is long and I need to get some sleep.

Sunday, August 18, 2002
I'm moving back to Huntsvegas today. Wish me luck on a successful move in. My parents insist on coming along. I will be very glad to be back. I know I was there all summer but I really do miss my friends. No one understands my ways better than them. We share a common weirdness. And my Mama been buggin. I'm still not over what she said to me a few days ago. I found a weird imperfection on my skin and told her I thought it could be cancerous. Well she said, "You deserve it for laying out." So I go on to say that I, her youngest child could died and she replied with "That's what you get for being stupid." What kind of mother says that? I really worry about my health and I'm in a position right now where I have no insurance so I can't see a doctor. That's hard enough to deal with without her telling me I deserve to die. Oh well, I knew my number was going to be up at an early age anyway. It's 4am..I have to hit the road at 8am. It's been real.

Wednesday, August 14, 2002
I was just watching the video for 'Underneath It All' by No Doubt for the billionth time. I don't know if I've stated it before but I love Gwen Stefani. I know I'm not into chicks but she is just the prettiest person in the world. I highly suggest that everyone to go out and get 'Rock Steady' because it is one of the best CDs ever. Gwen makes me happy! Almost forgot how miserable I was. Yesterday I went to Chuck E. Cheese so it wasn't so bad. But of course my mother has a way of making me feel like I'm St. Sebastion with arrows holding me back from life. I wish she would just let me go. I'm not happy here. She doesn't like me very much so I don't even know why she keeps me around. If I was her I would be thrilled to get rid of someone like me. But I know she has done a lot for me and I'm in debt to her. And until that debt is paid, I wont get to live. I don't even get to do what I want with my degree anymore. I use to want to get a Masters and really do something good. I don't think that's possible now. I have to move home after I graduate and there is no way out of it. She's made sure of that. So this school year will be the last for a lot of things. When I come home next year I know I will be as lonely as I am now this week. This has been a preview what is to come. But I choose to look on the brighter side. Atleast I get one more year. And I'm going to enjoy every bit of it. So I might be living in the library but I'm still going to allow for fun because I might not ever get a chance to be around these people again. And I don't think I'm going to be so negative about class anymore. I don't like a lot of my classes but it's an experience I'm never going to get again. So if I start complaining about stressing over my course load, then I hope to be reminded of that. I really do love psychology and my new found love of criminal law. I just wish there was a 4 year break from high school to college. I don't think I really ever cared about my future until recently. In those 4 years I could have really used some soul searching time. Now my youth has passed me by and all I have to show for it is broken relationships and this here webpage. When I was 18 it seemed like a good idea. Now it seems like I should have picked up a hobby of reading more books. I think I get dumber every year. I don't know. Maybe I'll get lucky and a prince will ride up on a horse and carry me away. It doesn't even have to be a horse. An SUV would be just fine. I can't wait to see 'jeff' when semester starts. I'm hoping we have a better year...anything is better than what i went through with him last year.

Monday, August 12, 2002
I had a pimple growing just under my lip and it drove me crazy so I picked at it and now I look like I have herpes. I was suppose to go renew my license today but I think I'm going to need time for this whole face fiasco to blow over. Who else is tired of my constant complaining? Can I get a show of hands? Well I'm sorry. I get sick when I'm home. But it's almost over. In one week I will be back to school and starting the hardest semester of my life. My goal is to get a 4.0 for the semester but the chances of that are really slim because I saved my hardest classes for senior year. How stupid am I? I'm going to be living in the library. And I didn't get much of a summer vacation. These only days I have to rest my Mom is all over me. I really wish I could have stayed in Huntsville. I probably wouldn't have any food but I would have been happy and well rested.

Thursday, August 8, 2002
Every part of my body hurts. Wednesday night I had to move out and my body still hurts. The worst part is that I have been taken away from my dearest friends. We have the computer to keep us together but it's not the same. I miss all their smiling faces. I miss talking to Cara everyday about the Fallon. I miss talking about Persion men with Shannon. Christine and I had all those walks and talks. It's not the same being in my hometown. The sky is grey everyday and the spirit of the town is gone. Or it has just left me? The thought of moving back here permantly in a year kills me. Before I was trying very hard to find a reason not to come home but my Mother has made sure that none of those plans will work. She let me out for 3 years but it wasn't forever, she wants me to come back and serve more time. It sucks because it only takes me 10 minutes to be here and I'm so unhappy and I want to run away. I don't have any friends here. No one that understands my ways. I have 9 more days here and I don't know if I can make it. My plan right now is to get on opposite sleeping schedules of my mom so I can aviod any kind of beating. Like right now, she is asleep. I will do enough house work so that when she wakes in the morning she wont wake me up and tell me I have a lot to do. The only other thing she will want from me is to work in the garden and she wouldn't want to do that until later in the day so it wont be so hot. So I can sleep in till late, then work in the garden all evening and then stage a "going to sleep for the night" until she is in bed. I don't think anyone in the world hates summer vacation quite like me. I went to school all summer just to stay away. Of course summer school helped me academically but it also helped me with my sanity. I came home last summer and that was just about the death of me. I don't know how I'm going make it when I graduate. I was actually thinking about getting 2 or 3 jobs just so I don't have to be home. I can work off my debt faster and then get the hell out of dodge.

Wednesday, August 7, 2002
I'm extremely sad. Tomorrow I'm moving out of the Honors dormatory. This is the 4th time I have had to move this summer. I'm really tired of it and I'm stressed out pretty bad over my paper and test. Not to mention, it's only 1am right now so the day hasn't really started. I figure I'll sleep from about 4am till 8am. Yeah, that paper is due pretty early. Then I have my criminal law test plus I have to be moved out by 8:30. I want to cry because the lights in here are so bright and making me sick. And today starts the 10 days I have to go back home and live with my parents. I'm going to miss everyone very much. I don't have any friends back home so I will be lonely. Probably hanging with my Mom everyday. Which isn't a bad thing but we just had a big fight and we weren't talking for a while so there will be tention and no doubt more fighting. I'm hoping there wont be because I'm depressed enough anyway and my energy is way low. I have a feeling I will be in bed a lot. I'm writing a lot tonight. Anything to avoid my paper. I will go to great lengths. My ear hurts now. And Shannon made me cry because she was telling me she saw an alien. And Mia told ghost stories all day. I have some really nice friends. I tell them I'm a wuss and they take advantage. I don't like the paranormal, it freaks me out. And I don't think my roommate would be very understanding of I told her I wanted to sleep in her bed because I was scared of the wild dingos. The only thing I've had to eat all week is sliced cheese and I'm dying for real food. I had a dream about eating a steak and mashed potatos and corn. It makes me sad because I can't eat and I can't think without food. Typing has become harder. I fight on but I don't know that the battle is worth it anymore. I've grown a little delirious so I think I need to just get to my paper. I have a big day and all.

Monday, August 5, 2002
I saw Signs today and it freaked me out just a bit. I'm a 22 year old woman and I had to be held. Thankfully Shannon was there. Right now I am in a voting marathon voting for my good friend Cara in the Last Stand thing on MTV. If you would like to help the cause then please do but Clicking here. I have to write my paper now.

Sunday, August 4, 2002
I just want to say that I totally love matt damon and if he wanted to make out with me, he totally could.

Monday, July 29, 2002
I have a bad case of the Mondays. I had to write a paper all weekend and now I'm study for a major test tonight. Not much else to report. I watched Crossroads starring Britney Spears last night with Shannon. We vowed never to tell...opps. But it's not like I liked it or anything. Anywho, I can't waste anymore time on the internet...I have to study.

Sunday, July 14, 2002
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! I'm 22 today. I had that realization a little late in the day, that I'm officially old. Now I have to start lying about my age and it's not to sound older. All those years, I thought it would be cool. But now I realize that being old sucks. Atleast I'm not 25. I feel bad for those sorry bastards. I went to the Astros game today! They lost though. And it rained. And I have a test tomorrow. This is probably the best birthday ever!!!

Tuesday, July 9, 2002
It has been a while. Many many many things have occurred. First I would just like to state that I did do good on my test as well in the class. But it is a new session now and I have new classes and problems. Actually, I kinda like my classes still. We'll see how I feel after my first round of test. In other news, I have moved into the Honors dormitory. Yes that's right, it is a prestige that is looked highly upon and I'm glad I can take part in it. I am however, sad that I had to move away from Christine. We had good times together. I will always remember the struggle we had our last night together. The power went out all over town. We had finals the next day. I was frightened, Christine held me. I'll never for get that. I also want to report that we have got "The Special People Club" up and running. Yes that's right, I'm the Colonel. If you would like membership into the club then you may submit the request to me and I will bring it up in the very next officer tribal conference. Not everyone gets in. It's an exclusive club. You have to be special. And most likely, if you are my friend and reading this, you are a special person. That is all for today. I will be better about updating this. I love talking about me.

Wednesday, June 26, 2002
Today sucks major bad. Let me give you the run down. I had to meet with my professor at 6am..which means I had to be conscience before then. I had to work in the lab with a cow heart because it's the only thing on the test I'm taking later today that I don't know. Then I had to spend time in the library making copies so I can study for my final tomorrow. This is all of course before my 8am class which was as boring as usually. And now, at roughly 10am...my day is still not dead. Oh no..it lives. I have to go home and shower because I didn't do that at 5 freaking am!! And I have to do housing stuff, then go back to the lab because I'm not confident about this test 100% and that will take at least a 2 hours chunk away from my soap opera watching. Hopefully I will have a chance to go on a lunch break before my actual test at 2pm. But the trolly doesn't stop there, no there is more fun to be had. After my test I wont be going home to relax before I study 5 hours for my final...no I will be staying behind at the school to study with the smart kids. It makes me look good so I'll go. My guess is at 5pm I will be about to go home just in time to a) watch SNL and b) eat dinner. But that's just a break kids, no way you thought my day was over yet. I have to begin the process of moving out of my house into a hall across the street. So I will be carrying shit across the street for a few hours. And then at about 10 or 11pm when I'm done with that and I'm sweating and gross and my back hurts, maybe then I can study for my final that will be at 8am the next morning!! I know you're asking, "then why not just move tomorrow?" The answer is simple folks, my Mother wants me to check out of my current place at 10am to better convience her. She will be arriving in town tomorrow and I have to be basically finished with my moving before she gets here. So pray I remember atleast 75% of what I've learned this semester because, you guessed it, the test is accumulative. Fuck school..I wanna be on the beach.

Tuesday, June 25, 2002
I did bad on my test this morning so I will be spending the rest of my day with the smart kids studying in the lab. Screw school, I wanna be on the beach.

Monday, June 24, 2002
I've decided to start working on this page again as a summer hobby, if I have time I will continue with it. So today the page looks a little ancient but in coming weeks I will fix that. I'm currently in summer school so I need something to do while I'm stuck away from the beach this year. A little life update, I am living with the best thing to come out of Germany since David Hasselhoff, the lovely Christine. I may be moving next week though...but Christine will always be the best roommate ever. Okay, other than living with her, going to school and playing on the computer, I have no life so that will be all.

The rest of my diary is from my much dorkier younger years and I don't wish to share anymore.