Bye Bye Birdie

1. Overture
2. An English Teacher
3. The Telephone Hour
4. How Lovely to be a Woman
5. Put on a Happy Face
6. A Healthy, Normal, American Boy
7. One Boy
8. Honestly Sincere
9. Hymn For a Sunday Evening (Ed Sullivan)
10. One Last Kiss
11. What Did I Ever See In Him?
12. A Lot of Livin' To Do
13. Kids
14. Baby, Talk to Me
15. Kids (Reprise)
16. Spanish Rose
17. Rosie

Overture
Girls:
We love you Conrad
Oh yes we do
We love you Conrad
And will be true
When you're not near us
We're blue
Oh, Conrad, we love you

We love you Conrad!
We love you Conrad!

[ORCHESTRA]

An English Teacher
Rosie:
He's going in the Army
It's the best thing he could do
Now you're free to start to do
What you wanted to
Albert, Albert, Albert!
I remember how you told me
I should trust you for a year
It would just be for a year
But it's eight years, Albert!
Eight long years, Albert!

Albert:
Rosie, it takes time to go to business.

Rosie:
It was only a sideline
That's what you said
You just needed some money
That's what you said
You were going to college and get ahead
Instead of being a music business bum
You were going to NYU
And become an English teacher
An English teacher, an English teacher.
If only you'd been an English teacher
We'd have a little apartment in Queens
You'd get a summer vacation
And we would know what life means
A man who's got his masters
Is really someone
How proud I'd be if you had become one
It could have been such a wonderful life
I could have been Mrs. Peterson
Mrs. Albert Peterson,
Mrs. Phi Beta Kappa Peterson,
The English teacher's wife!

Albert:
Oh Rosie, I told you as soon as I get a few bucks ahead...

Rosie:
You said that before, Albert!
And along came Conrad Birdie...
And it was goodbye Jeffery Josser
Hello William Morris
Goodbye NYU,
Hello all AL-MAE-LOU
'Cause when you wrote Conrad's first hit
Agha-bagha-boo
Then I knew that was it
You were through with English
Forever...
An English teacher is really someone
How proud I'd be if you had become one
It could have been such a wonderful life
I could have been Mrs. Peterson
Mrs. Albert Peterson,
Mrs. Phi Beta Kappa Peterson,
The English teacher's wife!

The Telephone Hour
-Hi, Nancy!
-Hi, Helen!
-What's the story, morning glory?
-What's the tale, nightingale?
-Tell me quick about Hugo and Kim!
-Hi, Margie!
-Hi, Alice!
-What's the story, morning glory?
-What's the word, humming bird?
-Have you heard about Hugo and Kim?

Did they really get pinned?
Did she kiss him and cry?
Did he pin the pin on?
Or was he too shy?
Well, I heard they got pinned
-Yeah! Yeah!
I was hopin' they would!
- Oho!
Now they're livin' at last,
- He's gone!
Goin' steady for good!

-Hello, Mister Henkel, this is Harvey Johnson,
Can I speak to Penelope Ann?
-Is it true about Kim?
-Penelope!
-I just knew it somehow
-About the prom...
-I must call her right up!
-Saturday
-I can't talk to you now!

Goin' steady,
You know it
Goin' steady,
Man, it's crazy, man!
Goin' steady,
You know it

-It won't last!
-Not at all!
-He's too thin!
-She's too tall!
-Hello, Missus Miller, this is Harvey Johnson,
Can I speak to Debra Sue?

-Hi, you Hugo!
Hi, you stupid!
What ya wanna go get pinned for?
-Well, I heard they got pinned
- Hey, ya meathead
-I was hopin' they would
-Lost your moral
-Now they're livin' at last
-Are you nutty
-Goin' steady for...

-Hello, Mrs. Garfein, is Charity home from school yet?
-Did they really get pinned? Goin' steady?
-We was hopin' they would
-Now they're livin' at last
-Goin' steady for good!

If you gotta go, that's the way to go,
When they got you hooked,
Then you're really cooked,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do?

Well, I heard they got pinned! (Oh man!)
I was thinking they would! (Oh man!)
Now they're livin' at last (Oh man!)
They are steady for good
Goin' steady, goin' steady,
Goin' steady,
Steady for good
Goin' steady, goin' steady,
Goin' steady,
Steady for good

He's in love with Kim,
Kim's in love with him!
Goin' steady, goin' steady, (Well, oh well, do tell!)
Goin' steady! (Well, oh well, do tell!)
Steady for good!
Goin' steady, goin' steady, (Well, oh well, do tell!)
Goin' steady! (Well, oh well, do tell!)
Steady for good!

That's the way it should be!
They'll be happy, I know!
Going Steady for me.
That's the way it should go!
Goin' steady, goin' steady,
Goin' steady,
Steady for good
Goin' steady,
Goin' steady,
Oh yeah!!!

How Lovely to be a Woman
When you're a skinny child of fourteen,
Wired with braces from ear to ear,
You doubt that you could ever be appealing.
Then Hallelujah! You are fifteen
And the braces disappear
And your skin is smooth and clear
And you have that happy grown-up female feeling.

How lovely to be a woman,
The wait was well worth while;
How lovely to wear mascara
And smile a woman's smile.
How lovely to have a figure,
That's round instead of flat;
Whenever you hear boys whistle,
You're what they're whistling at.
It's wonderful to feel
The way a woman feels;
It gives you such a glow just to know
You're wearing lipstick and heels!

How lovely to be a woman
And have one job to do;
To pick out a boy and train him
And then when you are through,
You've made him the man you want him to be!
Life's lovely when you're a woman like me!

How wonderful to know
The things a woman knows;
How marvelous to wait for a date
In simply beautiful clothes!
How lovely to be a woman
And change from boys to men,
To go to a fancy nightclub
And stay out after ten.
How lovely to be so grown-up and free!
Life's lovely when you're a woman like me!

Put On a Happy Face
Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Put on a happy face;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decided to smile!
Pick out a pleasant outlook,
Stick out that noble chin;
Wipe off that "full of doubt" look,
Slap on a happy grin!
And spread sunshine all over the place,
Just put on a happy face!

Put on a happy face
Put on a happy face

And if you're feeling cross and bickerish
Don't sit and whine
Think of banana splits and licorice
And you'll feel fine

I knew a girl so glooming

She'd never laugh or sing
She wouldn't listen to me
Now she's a mean old thing
So spread sunshine all over the place
Just put on a happy face
So, put on a happy face

A Healthy, Normal, American Boy
Reporter:
He's coming! He's coming! Conrad Birdie is coming!
Hey Conrad, how about answering a few questions?
How do you feel about going in the Army?

Albert:
Ah Ah Ah, how does he feel...You ask how he feels
He's much too shy to tell you,
So, I'll tell ya how he feels
He feels brave and eager!
Strangely humble! Proud to be a plain GI!

Rosie:
He would gladly face those bullets,
For he's not afraid to die!

Chorus:
For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal
American boy!

Albert:
And that's why he volunteered for...

Voice:
Volunteered? I thought he was drafted!

Voice:

And he appealed...three times!

Rosie:
Sing!

Girls:
We love you Conrad
Oh yes we do
We love you Conrad
And will be true!
When you're not near us
We're blue!
Oh, Conrad, we love you...

Albert:
Very nice!

Voice:

Say, what's the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, Conrad.
Are you two engaged?

Rosie:
Aha...Is he engaged? Is Conrad engaged?
There's absolutely nothing to the rumor he's engaged!

Albert:
She's a real pal, like a sister, but it doesn't mean a thing!
And that eighteen carat diamond, it was just a "friendship" ring!

Chorus:
For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy!

Reporter:
Then why was her husband so mad?

Albert:
Sing!

Girls:
We love you Conrad
Oh yes we do
We love you Conrad
And will be true!

Albert:
Oh, I'll never forget what Conrad said when he found out he'd been accepted by the Armed Forces... "Gee, Mr. Peterson," he said eagerly, "you suppose they'll assign me to the front line trenches? That way I'll get myself one of those dirty Jerrys?"

Rosie:
Oh, uh, Albert!

Albert:
Or whoever's dirty this time?

Reporter:
Hey Mr. Peterson, give us a scoop, is Conrad still drinking a lot?

Rosie:
Now listen here! This gossip must stop!
He goes to church each Sunday and he doesn't touch a drop!

Albert:
He's as decent as a minister!

Rosie:
Absolutely

Albert:
He's as sober as a judge!
He subscribes to ev'ry charity!
And his hobby's making fudge!

All:
For he's a fine upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy

Reporter:
Is it true that you found Conrad in a Reform School?

Rosie & Albert:
That is a lie!
A lie through and through!
I'll tell you where he came from, here's the story and it's true!

Rosie
He was born in Indochina,

Albert:
He was born in old Virginia

Rosie:
Son of missionaries there!

Albert:
On a thousand acre farm!

Rosie:
Very poor and very hungry,
What a cruel life to bear!

Albert:
From a line of wealthy planters,
Full of genteel, southern charm!

Rosie:
Soon he drifted down to Hong Kong,
To a waterfront saloon!

Albert:
In evening by the river,
In the moonlight they would croon!

Rosie:
That is where I heard him singing,

Albert:
That's where Conrad started singing,

Rosie:
Underneath a Hong Kong moon!

Albert:
'Neath that sweet plantation moon!

All: Teens:
Oh Beautiful for spacious skies, We love you, Conrad!
Oh, yes we do!
For amber waves of grain. We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.
America America, Oh, oh, Conrad, we love you
God shed His grace on thee. We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.

All:
For he's a fine, upstanding, av'rage, modest, patriotic, healthy, normal, American, American boy!

One Boy
Kim:
One boy
One special boy
One boy to go with
To talk with
And walk with

Kim and Girls:
One boy
That's the way it should be
That's the way it should be
One boy
One certain boy
One boy to laugh with
To joke with
Have Coke with
One boy
Not two or three

Kim:
One day you'll find out
This is what life is all about
You'll need someone who
Is living just for you

Kim and Girls:
One boy
One steady boy
One boy to be with
Forever and ever
One boy
That's the way it should be
That's the way it should be
That's the way it should be

Rosie
When will he find out
This is what life is all about?
Will he ever see
I need him and he needs me?
One guy
One special guy
One guy to live for
To care for, be there for
One guy
That's the way it should be,
That's the way it should be...

Honestly Sincere
Girl:
Speak to us, oh beautiful one, tell us how you make that glorious sound, that even now in anticipation of it has reduced me to a snarling, raging, panting, jungle beast!

Birdie:
You gotta be sincere!
You gotta be sincere!
You gotta feel it here,
'Cause if you feel it here,
Well, then you're gonna be honestly sincere!

If what you feel is true,
Really feel it you
Make them feel it too,
Write this down now
You gotta be sincere,
Honestly sincere!
Man, you've got to be sincere!

If you're really sincere,
If you're really sincere,
If you feel it in here
Then it's gotta be right!
Oh, baby! Oh, honey!
Hug me! Suffer!

In ev'rything I do,
My sincerity shows thro'
I looked you in the eye,
Don't even have to try,
It's automatic!
I'm sincere!

When I sing about a tree,
I really feel that tree!
When I sing about a girl,
I really feel that girl,
I mean I really feel sincere!

If you're really sincere!
If you're really sincere!
If you feel it in here,
Then it's gotta be right!
Oh, baby! Oh, honey!
Hug me! Suffer!

You gotta be sincere!
Oh oh, you gotta feel it here!
Oh, my baby, oh, my baby, oh yeah!
Oh, my baby, oh yeah!

Well, you gotta be sincere!
Well, you gotta be sincere!
Well, you gotta be sincere!
Well, you gotta be sincere!
Well, you gotta be sincere!
Well, you gotta be sincere!

Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
Well, you gotta be sincere!
Well, you gotta be sincere!
Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
Oh, my baby, oh yeah!
Yeah, YEAH!

Hymn For a Sunday Evening (Ed Sullivan)
Harry:
Me on the Ed Sullivan show?
Ed Sullivan
Me, Harry McAfee appearing with
Ed Sullivan

All:
Ed-Ed Sullivan
Ed-Ed-Sullivan
Ah Ah Ed Sullivan
Ed Sullivan
Ed Sullivan
Ed-Ed-Sul-Sul
Ed Sullivan, Ed Sullivan
We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan

Doris and Kim:
How could any fam'ly be
Half as fortunate as we?

All:
We'll be coast to coast,
With our fav'rite host,
Ed Sullivan.
Ed Sullivan, Ed Sullivan,
We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan!
Ooooohhh!

Harry:
I've got a wonderful wife,
Two swell kids,
A good job and now this!

All:
Someday we'll recall
The greatest day of all

Harry:
Ed, I love you!

All:
Ed Sullivan!

One Last Kiss
Birdie:
Oh, one last kiss,
Oh, give me one last kiss,
It never felt like this,
No, never felt like this,
You know I need your love.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, give me one last kiss!

Oh, one more time,
Oh, baby, one more time,
It really is sublime,
Oh honey, so sublime!
You know I need your love.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, give me one last kiss,

Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aby-y-y, gi-i-ve me one last kiss!
Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aby-y-y, gi-i-ve me one last kiss!

Oh, one last kiss,
Oh, give me one last kiss,
It never felt like this,
No, never felt like this,
You know I need your love.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, give me one last kiss!
One last kiss, one last kiss,
Oh, give me one last kiss!
One last kiss, one last kiss,
Oh, give me one last kiss!

What Did I Ever See In Him?
Rosie:
Eight years, eight years,
That's how long I've wasted on him!
That's all, I'm through.
Albert dear, to put it sweetly,
To hell with you!

What did I ever see in him?
How did I ever get involved that way?
Now that it's over I can smile and say
What did I ever see in him?
Boy, I was way out on a limb.
Now that my feet are on the ground again,
Now that my senses have been found again,
What did I ever see in him?

Is he tender?
No, he's not!
Is he thoughtful?
No, he's not!
Am I crazy?
What's he's got that I found so damned appealing?

What did he ever do for me?
Well, to be honest he was sometimes nice,
But still it wasn't worth that awful price.
It was rough from the start
Broken dates, broken nails, broken heart
How did I ever?
Why did I ever?
What did I ever?

Rosie and Kim:
Do we need them? No, we don't!
Do we want them? No, we don't!

Kim:
Will we leave them?

Rosie:
No, we won't!
Tell me what did I say that for?

Rosie and Kim:
What did we ever see in them?
How could we ever think that they were nice?
Take it from us we pay an awful price
It was rough from the start
Broken dates, broken nails, broken heart
What did I ever see in him?

A Lot of Livin' To Do
Birdie:
There are chicks just ripe for some kissin'
And I mean to kiss me a few!
Man, those chicks don't know what they're missin',
I got a lot of livin' to do!
Sizzlin' steaks all ready for tastin'
And there's Cadillacs all shiny and new!
Gotta move, cause time is a-wastin',
There's such a lot of livin' to do!

Kim:
There are men of nineteen or twenty
Who are suave and reckless and true
Older men who give a girl plenty
I've gotta a lot of livin' to do

Birdie:
There's music to play,
Places to go, people to see!
Everything for you and me!
Crazy clothes and motorboat races

Girls:
Some are nice to cuddle up to

All:
Broadway lights and wide open spaces
There's such a lot of livin' to do!

Lots of dates and no one to scold you,
Loop-the-loop and laugh at the view,
Moonlight swims and someone to hold you, yeah!
We got a lot of livin' to do!

Birdie:
There's music to play, (You know it)
Places to go, people to see! (You know it)
Everything for you and me! (Yeah!)

All:
Oh, life's a ball
If only you know it
And it's all just waiting for you
You're alive,
So come on and show it
Oh, we got a lot of livin'
Such a lot of livin'
What a lot of livin' to do!

Kids
Harry:
Kids!
I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!
Kids!
Who can understand anything they say?
Kids!
They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs!
Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy, loafers!
And while we're on the subject:
Kids!
You can talk and talk till your face is blue!
Kids!
But they still just do what they want to do!
Why can't they be like we were,
Perfect in every way?
What's the matter with kids today?

Harry and Doris:
Kids!

Harry: (spoken)
I don't mind the moonlight swims, it's the loop-the-loop that hurts.

Both:
Kids!

Harry: (spoken)
How'll we ever beat the Russians?

Both:
Kids!

Harry: (spoken)
I didn't know what puberty was until I was almost past it.

Both:
Laughing, singing, dancing, grinning, morons!
And while we're on the subject!
Kids! They are just impossible to control!
Kids! With their awful clothes and their rock and roll!
Why can't they dance like we did?
(spoken)What's wrong with Sammy Kay?
What's the matter with kids today?

Baby, Talk to Me
Albert:
Talk to me, baby, won't you talk to me?
I don't care what you say
Baby, talk to me
Must you to be oh so far away from me
It seems all wrong this way
Talk to me

And if you miss me
Tell me so
Are you lonely?
Tell me so
Say you love me
Tell me so
Honey, let me know

Talk to me
Till I press you close to me
Then you'll see
We won't have to talk at all

(Must you be oh so far away from me, baby?)
I don't care what you say
(Oh, baby talk)
Talk to me
(Go on, what can you lose, it ain't gonna hurt)
And if you miss me
(Oooh, Tell him so)
Are you lonely?
(Lady, lady, tell him so)
Say you love me
(Oooh!)
Tell me so
(Honey, honey)
Let me know

Quartet:
Talk to me
Till I press you close to me
Then you'll see
We won't have to talk at all
Till I press you close to me
Then you'll see
We won't have to talk at all
Talk to me
Talk to me
Talk to me

Albert:
Talk to me.

Kids (Reprise)
Adults:
Kids!
I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!
Kids!
Who can understand anything they say?

Randolph:
Kids!
They are so ridiculous and so immature!
I don't see why anybody wants 'em!

Harry:
Just you wait and see

Randolph:
Kids! They are just impossible to control!

Harry:
(Soon you'll be old enough to be)

Randolph:
Kids! With their awful clothes and their rock an' roll!

Harry:
(Another teenage delinquent)

Randolph:
Why can't they be like you were,
Perfect in every way?
What's the matter with kids to--

Adults:
Kids!
What the devil's wrong with these kids today?
Kids!
Who could guess the they would turn out that way!
Why can't they be like we were,
Perfect in every way?

Harry and Doris:
What's the matter with kids?

Randolph:
What's the matter with kids?

All:
What's the matter with kids today?

Spanish Rose
Rosie:
I'm just a Spanish tamale according to Mae
Right off the boat from the tropics far, far away
Which is kind of funny
Since where I come from is Allentown, PA
Spanish!
Ok, Mae, I'll be Spanish
Right after I've married Alberto

I'll be the toast of Chi-Chi Castanango,
And all day long my castanets will click!
I'll hide behind my fan and do the tango!
I'll be so Spanish it will make you sick!
I'll eat the tacos and the enchilada!
I'll drink Tequila till I feel no pain! (Ahh!)
The only song I'll sing will be "Granada"!
I'll be more "espa�ol" than Abbe Lane!

Coo coo coo
La cuca ...racha!
Ssssso
Call me the wild Spanish Rose!
The craziest flower that grows
I'll kick up my heels and see
How it feels to be sultry Spanish Rose
Ol�!

Behind my mantilla I'll pose
The beauty that nobody knows!
So regal and cool, exciting and cruel,
That's me! Spanish Rose!

(Mi name Rosita Hernandez!)
(You'll buy my "tortilla"!)
(You like me, yes? No? Maybe? "Eeyuckh!")

"Americano," let me give you a bit of advice
To cross Spanish Rose isn't wise
Your match you have found
So don't mess around
Her heart is cold like ice!

With Albert I will dance to the bolero
We'll cha cha in the nicest honky-tonks
He'll wear the cutest mustache and sombrero
My handsome Latin lover from the Bronx

So now that you've met Spanish Rose
You'll never forget Spanish Rose
She'll taunt you,
She'll tame you,
But what man will blame you
For worshipping Spanish Rose?

Not Danish
Not British
Not Swedish
Not Yiddish
But Spanish
Rosa!

Rosie
Albert:
I was never crazy for flowers,
I confess that nothing left me colder;
I could watch a daisy for hours
And all I'd feel was sev'ral hours older!
Lilacs or lilies, any bloom you please,
All that they did was make me shrug or sneeze;
But now I love each blossom that I see,
For a lovely little rose loves me.

Now my life is rosy, since I found my Rosie,
With a girl like Rosie,
How could I be blue?
Hand in hand we'll mosey
Me and little Rosie,
We will be so cozy
By a fire built for two.

Oh! I once heard a poem that goes:
"A rose is a rose is a rose"
Well I don't agree,
Take it from me,
There's one rose sweeter than any that grows!
And that's my Rosie,
I'm so glad she chose me;
Life is one sweet beautiful song to me.

Now my life is rosy,

Rosie:
(Oh, we'll be happy, I know)

Albert:
Since I found my Rosie,

Rosie:
(Off to the preacher we'll go)

Albert:
With a girl like Rosie,

Rosie:
(So how could we be blue?)

Albert:
How could I be blue?

Rosie:
Oh we'll have us a home out west,
A nice little split-level nest,
And in ev'ry room roses in bloom...

Albert:
But there's one rose sweeter than all of the rest!
Then that's my Rosie

Rosie:
I'm so glad you chose me!

Both:
Life is one sweet beautiful song
When love is right then
What can be wrong?
Life is one sweet beautiful song
To me!

If you have any questions, please contact Mandy (make sure to remove the word REMOVE from the email address, or I won't get your email!).