118 Things never to say to a Cop 1. Man, I have no idea how fast I was goin'! 2. Can you hand me your gun? 3. Care for a doughnut? 4. Whatever you do, don't search my trunk. 5. What exactly is "legally drunk"? 6. So, what's a good bribe go for around here? 7. I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record. 8. Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of three? 9. If I were you I'd let me go! 10. Met your quota? Happy now? 11. I want your badge number and your superior officer's name right now! 12. You should give the ticket to my damn unreliable cruise control. 13. Speeding is an abstract concept, don't you think? 14. If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast! 15. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 16. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 17. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 18. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to... 19. Touch him. 20. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 21. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 22. Refer to him by his first name. 23. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 24. When he says no, cry. 25. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 26. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 27. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. 28. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. 29. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first." 30. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 31. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 32. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 33. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 34. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 35. Trip and fall into him. 36. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 37. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 38. Chew on the pen, nervously. 39. Clean your ear with the pen. 40. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 41. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar... 42. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 43. Act like you are retarded. 44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 45. Or mumble to yourself. 46. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 47. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm... only 5 of you here tonight... 48. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 49. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 50. Ask if he watches Cops. |