The Jumper
Ok so this one night I was really really stoned and really really drunk. My friends decided that they would leave me at the fraternity house the farthest away from campus, alone. I, in my drunken stupor decided to make my way back to my dorm. Some time passed as I walked(stumbled) along the roads of inner city Baltimore, then the unspeakable happened... I realized I was lost. Due to my unfamiliarity with the city, I was needless to say, scared shitless. Was I going to end up spending a cold night in the gutter to wake up mugged and raped? Hellz no I was determined to find my way back! Again an undetermined period of time passed and I found myself on the second floor of a parking structure. The good news was that from my vantage point I could see my dorm through the maze of buildings that littlered the streets. The only problems I still had then were that I was still really fucked up and had to get out of the parking structure without losing sight of the direction of where I had to go....hmmmm...what to do... then I got the most brilliant idea ever(i.e.dumbest fucking thing) I would simply jump from the second story onto the ground and follow a straight path to the dorm. Now, as it turned out there were a set of trees that surrounded the parking structure, so I thought to myself, ...trees are soft...they will break your fall dumbass... And so I climbed over the railing and stood on the ledge...1..2..3..I jumped, grasped for the tree branches, and as they slipped through my fingers I plumetted down to the ground and onto an unusually large branch on the ground. This branch as I fell on it, then proceeded to pierce through my jeans, nearly missing my precious, virgin asshole, and scraping my nutsack thereby exiting my jeans through the front. I sat(in the fetal position) between some shrubs, in the mud, up against the parking structure, bleeding from my sack, and held myself making sure I was all there(which I luckily was). I thanked god for an again undetermined amount of time and stubled back to my dorm. I limped around due to the scab on my sack for about a week following...I dont try to fly anymore.
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