Virginia has a pretty good tourist trade going, being blessed with� well, Virginia Beach, a couple of wars� worth of historic battle grounds (Which include Civil War Ironclads, Tall Ships, Battlefields, and laser pockmarks from when those rowdy Venusians came to visit Fairfax,) and the gorgeous Blue Ridge Mountains, of the Appalachian Mountain Range. Great Scott are they pretty. I wish I lived in the west, instead of the east� even if it means living in Salt Lick, Virginia� or was it West Virginia? Either way, I�ve been to a town named Salt Lick.

You may have heard that VA is for lovers. (But maybe you haven�t. Uh, that�s the slogan our tourism board uses: �Virginia is for Lovers.� The �O� in �Lovers� is a big red heart. Assign to it whatever meaning you�d like.) We use that saying to get you to come here and spend your money. (I�m not really sure on the etymology of the saying, but since VA Beach has over twenty adult toy stores and at least thirty nudie bars, I�m getting a rough idea. Or it could be that people just plain love Virginia, I don�t know.)

Disregard that throw-away joke. It was pretty lame. But true.

If your idea of a vacation is getting a hotel on the waterfront, from which you can visit the Atlantic ocean, the mass amount of beach boutiques and surf shops (Interesting Fact: There is a Seventeenth Street Surf Shop on Seventeenth Street. I bet YOUR town doesn�t have the bragging rights,) miniature golf games, and the eternal parking lot known as 264 West, then come on down next summer! There are over five golf courses in a mile and a half of strip, and about two parking spaces total. If you surf, then you can come to VA Beach to relax, because our waves are only there for looks, never going above four feet, usually. Or, perhaps you�d like to go to our many Fests! This area is notorious for the sheer amount of Fests it has: Strawberry Fest, The Neptune Festival, Summer Fest, Oyster Fest, Farm Fresh Extravaganza Fest, The Chesapeake Jubilee, OpSail, Harbor Fest� and all these in about a month. Yes, for you jokers out there, we even have a Fest Fest, where all the upcoming Fests have a booth and peddle their activities. There might be food there, too.

But, I�ve got an even better idea. You can come by my house and I can show you all the places that no one knows about!

Yes, although we might have the Virginia Marine Science Museum (Where multitudes of high school ninnies go to fawn over their child-like dream of becoming a Marine Biologist to talk to the dolphins,) The McArthur Center Mall, (Yes, named after the famous general, Douglas McArthur: His memorial is right down the street, where he is also buried with his wife. Cool place, but I don�t think that having an overblown yuppie mall named in his honor is, well, an honor to the famed general,) The VA Beach Strip (The Beach and it�s woefully kiddie night-clubs,) and even OceanBreeze Water Park (Mascot: a sixty-foot tall statue of a gorilla named �Humongous,� wearing Hawaiian clothes; actually, the place kicks ass,) none of them can hold a candle to the places I could take you�

Screw McArthur Mall, we�re going to Bill�s Flea Market, the biggest goddamned flea market on the entire east coast: You want it, they have it, although it�ll be a bit dirty and, most likely, drooled upon by a hick. Clothes? Got �em all: Size, color, style, even in velvet or sequined, like most thrift stores. Records? WE HAVE EVERY DAMN EARTH, WIND AND FIRE RECORD EVER MADE. FIREFALL, TOO. Need a Furby? Tons. Tons. My friends and I bought a pallet of them for a buck three eighty five and shot them all with a shotgun one night. Other meaningless items? I saw a doggy backscratcher there, and someone was also selling used camera film (I almost bought it� just for the shock factor.) You can also go to the Redneck Botique located inside, where you can get a puffy hat with any dirty saying you want, and all sorts of filthy and funny stickers, like EAT G.R.I.T.S. DAILY: Girls Raised In The South. The creative guys there even have confederate flag thongs. There are a couple of other thrift shops I�ll take you to, like The Village and Pearl�s and The Discount Lounge.

After the morning�s worth of shopping, then it�s off to Monk�s in Pungo, the less-developed area of VA Beach (Home every year to the Strawberry Fest, where you can buy all kinds of strawberry goods and services, like pies and blowjobs.)

Again with the throw away jokes. I apologize.

It�s basically this seedy little redneck joint, filled with all manner of farmers, hicks, bikers, yokels, good ol� boys, and their big ol� kuntry mamas, each smoking their Newports, Marlboros, or unfiltered Camels. If you can get past the crowd, YOU WILL EAT THE BEST DAMN BARBEQUE SAMMICH THEREVER BE�ED. Even better than Slappy Hank�s in Suffolk (Which sucks now that it�s under new management,) or the Mr. Pig. Little Earl�s comes close, but not quite. Yum.

After lunch, it�s off to Kaboom! Kollectables, the most fanciest, largest, and complete comics and gaming store I think I�ve ever been to. We could spend the night there reading or playing Magic or D & D or Warhammer, but then we�d miss:

ROCKY HORROR NIGHT AT THE NARO!!! Duh! Dude, it�s Saturday! Every Saturday night is the Rocky Horror Night! Come dressed as your favorite character, or don�t even get dressed at all! All virgins get spanked onstage! Take part in the Underwear Run! Yell at the screen! Make more of a fool of yourself than you thought possible!

And we�ll check out the Naro�s video rental store, a cool little gem I only found out about a couple of weeks ago: this is where to go if you�re looking for that obscure little foreign film you heard about, or if you want to find some contraband Miazaki (They played Princess Mononoke when it hit theaters, and I think they�ll be playing Spirited Away, too�. I hope!)

Ahh� next morning, it�s off to the Sunrise Breakfast Restaurant, where they�ll serve you a greasy sausage in an ashtray� no, actually, that would be healthier than what they serve you, but you can�t pass up deep-fried waffles or Potato-Lard cakes. Again, Yum.

And, okay, so we might go down to the strip, but that�s only to set up an easel, a small card table, a jar and a sign and let�s draw some caricatures for the tourons (Tourist plus Moron� heh, heh�) A friend of mine did this (Without picking up a vendor�s license, of course, but what the hell?) and charged ten bucks a picture, and WOW. You can haul in some serious cash. Tourists arrive by the thousands in crumb-filled minivans with screaming little devils just to get a goofy cartoon of them on the beach. I�m going to do that next summer. I might not even have to work!!!

Of course, there�s a lot more trouble you can get into here. I haven�t mentioned any of the real pubs and taverns and bars you can go to, like Thumpers, Frog, Paddy o�Brians, AJ Gator�s, Smackwater Jacks� and that�s just karaoke and food. If you ever wanted to go to a place just like the seedy dive that Jake and Elwood once paid visit to, (Bob�s Country Bunker, I believe,) then we have to go to Blakely�s. I�m telling you, VA might be the northernmost of the southern states, but it can get pretty cornfed down here.

So� in conclusion� the city is alright. Traffic is always on the heavy side, and you can�t walk anywhere� and you can�t take a bus because we have about two in the entire city� but if you want a milquetoast version of Atlantic City (Or even Ocean City� or even most places in Texas,) VA Beach is your place to be.