Americans Horrified To Find Old People Still Having Sex

July 2002

Americans Horrified To Find Old People Still Having Sex

By Bryce Spurbeck

(ATLANTA, GEORGIA) Elderly Americans are having more sex now than ever, according to the U.S. Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta. As men and women 65 and older face the newfound risks of STD's and performance anxiety, many younger people are stunned to find them having sex at all.

"It's disgusting," says Jack Peters, 32, in Columbus, Ohio. "My grandpa is 83, and I caught him with Nana in their bathroom over Memorial Day weekend. I scolded them, but they laughed and kept right on doing it!"

The CDC's studies of sexual activity among the Greatest Generation shows many satisfied adults having sex in their marriages, or with new partners when their former ones pass on. Over half the participants say sex has been a positive force in their later life. But while this new revolution thrills millions of sixty-to-ninety-somethings, it scares those 64 and under.

Carlene Flagg, 40, of Boise, Idaho has two young daughters. "They only think my mom bakes cookies, plays piano and knits their pink �jammies. If they found out Grandma Wohlert sleeps with strange old men from Bingo Halls, Senior Centers and high school reunions��my baby girls would have nightmares forever. I do already!"

Raleigh, North Carolina resident Mark McGee, 42, has been married seven years. "We stayed at my parent's beach house last weekend. Melanie and I tried to sleep, but my parents were up til 4 a.m. panting and bouncing and God knows what. Next morning at breakfast, my mom says �did you two have as much fun last night as we did?' I almost tossed my cookies right there. Then, my dad asks me in private what positions I like! I don't even talk with my golf buddies about that! Creeps me out!"

The CDC statistics also account for those under medical supervision, or in assisted living communities. Sex among patients or residents is very common, regardless of age or condition.

"We find old people in bed together all the time," says Bonnie Uhler, a nurse at the Shady Pines Retirement Village of Northeast Iowa. "Our bosses made us watch a Sex For Seniors video with Anne Meara (Ben Stiller's mother) that shows what to do when residents get sexual. I couldn't stand the whole mess. You try and tell them to give it up. But then there's Mrs. Wilson sitting on top of Mr. Darrow in his wheelchair. Mr. Jorgensen and Mrs. Ahrenholz are walking naked on the hallway video monitor. You can't stop watching it if they don't stop doing it."

And how do Amercia's youth, a group constantly bombarded with sexual stimuli, feel about the trend of elderly sex?

"Isn't that illegal?" asks New Haven's Kylie Johansen, 14, in her extra small Baby-T and hip huggers. She smears bubble gum lipstick around her mouth. "When I'm 25, like really old, I don't know if I'll want to have sex. I know dad and mom came that way but ewww! Grandma�stop doing that!!"

"Horny elderly? Pretty sicko," says Dallas resident Jason Gallagher, 25, picking Cheetos off his flabby, hairy chest. "I think old people are ugly anyway. Who wants to see a dude's turkey gullet head going back and forth over some old hag's funbags?" Jason stands up, his Burger King shake straw poking into acne scars on his face. "Not me."

Although the increase in elderly sex has resulted in closer relationships and given hope to people who never thought they could find love again, one lawmaker is pushing legislation that would criminalize sexual activity after retirement.

"The Golden Years should not be The Groaning, Moaning Years," says Congresswoman Barbara Martin, 44 (R-Oklahoma), a Christian Coalition member and single parent. She claims America would have less disease, fewer heart attacks and "a lot more church time" with the new law.

"Once you hit 65, you stop having sex. Period," says Martin. "I quit years ago, and look at me now. Some people like Jack LaLane and Sophia Loren would get a pass, but when the seeds dry up, you can't plant them anymore, so why bother?"

Calls to dozens of elderly Americans were not returned for this article. "I bet," says Martin, "they were all too busy �getting busy.' Bleah! My skin crawls just saying that!"

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Anne Meara, from the Sex For Seniors medical video. �What does she know?� asks Bonnie Uhler.
�She can�t possibly be having sex at her age!�

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�I can�t help thinking,� says Jack Peters, �when my grandparents have a �sing-along,� it�s code for something dirty.�

Widow Betsy (66) and widower Marvin (70)
meet once a week at her place. Neighbors
gossip about the two�s �noisy nooners.�

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