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You aint doing bad, reading bollocks that I write, you know. Its sure as hell better than some newspapers... |
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Although I've written 250 articles (true some of them no longer than 2 lines) I'm just a beginner at this writing lark. The closest thing I've ever had to learning proper english is sitting next to Ding in an english class 2 years ago. And barlow was my teacher. See? Okay so my spleeling and gammear aren't perfekt, but you can understand that I've never really had proper learning up to a point where I should be writing as much as I do. |
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So how do we explain some newspapers then? To work at a newspaper job, you need a fair few qualifications. You can't just walk up and say 'Gimme a job you cunt' as they'd probably notice your poor use of words. And swearing. So, to be fair, you need to be intelligent and be trained. The people who write 'the sunday people' newspaper seem to be lacking in these departments though. Instead of using their skills to produce quality journalism, they decied to report on hot stories like "Jade's lover dumps her". Yep, that fat moose from an acient big brother series makes the front page with relationship difficulties. I read newspapers alot, and one I've always read was the sunday people. It started out with decent readings, but now its just turned into this pile of celebrity ass kissing crap. I hate celebrities. All this stupid shit about celebirties pisses me off. They are just people like you and me. Why do they deserve to have their latest life 'gossip' published when nobody gives a rats ass what I'm up to. Wait - its not just celebirty stories. Oh god, Im going to have to show you these sad efforts classed as news. Wheres the lastest on Iraq? Tell me more about this heat wave! I dont want to hear that justin timberlake had sugar puffs for his breakfast. Really, I don't.
The standard of the sunday people has slowly drooped lower and lower over the years, so lets show you the latest issue (well it was when this was written) - the final breaking point that made me decied that its a newspaper not even worth for me to wipe my butt crack with. Hows that for perfect grammar? |
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Ah, the front page. The page where the big stories make it. Somebody important dies during the night or a disaster happens, then this is the first place to be. So, awaking this morning, lets see what hot news hits me today: |
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Where do I begin? I mean, I couldn't write an e-mail long enough to take the piss out of this crap. Who the hell cares? Any fans of Jade still around? No? Oh right. If there are any, bless them, I'm sure you'd find out all the juicy gossip out on the internet or something. Perhaps even in the crappy magazines that come with the newspapers. Just please leave the front page alone. Jade, what a fucking state anyway. Shes only big in this country because we support lifeless people who get on telly... popstars, fame academy... blah blah and the losers out of big brother. Its not like she is an A-list celebirty. I makes me sick. (Just for the record, this hot story also had another two pages dedicated to it inside). |
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Page 10. Atlast! Everyone who loves nice weather will be interested to hear some information regarding the heat wave! Oh wait. This isn't information: |
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Rubbers and fans. What an exclusive story. Firstly, I don't care how much the sun brings out the animal in people and secondly, is it not the most obvious thing in the world that people who are hot are going to buy fans to keep cool. My god, is this what reports as journalism these days? Nevermind, perhaps we might see some decent journalism soon.... |
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Page 13 We must be on the jokes page now: |
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Yes, on reading this information, you are supposed to belive that jordan can do finance, when she is the type of person who has troubles reading her own name. Heres some of jordans stock tips (honestly): |
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- If you have any shares in manchester united then sell them now because: "They've lost becks and he was the fit one. And Dwighty ain't there any more. Oh right. So, without the good looks of beckham and whatever 'dwighty' does, the team is doomed to failure." |
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- "Sell your woolworths shares now! "I've never liked the place" says jordan. Good thinking, girl. And good reason to sell shares. Jordan doesn't like it, so come on people, do as she says!" |
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Am I supposed to believe this bullshit? Sure, she may have accidently picked up the Financial times by accident and lifeless media drones picked up on it, but to be taking stock tips form jordan, you'd have to be very, very sad. |
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Page 21 and the news is overwhelming! I've cannot believe this has even made a newspaper. This isn't news. This is bullshit filler that makes the paper seem to have more wirting content than it really has. |
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Firstly, the couple featured are sad beyond believe. There are some mad palces to have wedding... but at mcdonalds? Thats wrong. McDonalds is one of the most depressing places ever. Lots of fat, unmotivated staff and shitty food. So this couple decied to have a wedding there. If anybody even cared it would be their parents begging them not to be so foolish. A wedding at Mcdonalds? I suppose the buffets sorted, though.
To report this story on more than an inch of newspaper is pathetic. Quote: "And after the speeches, the newlyweds were toased with a round of Cokes and strawberry shakes". Screwing up paper and throwing it in the bin is a better way to use paper than print this crap on it. |
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On to the problem pages. God help us. Dr. Coleman, I think it was, was the previous writer of this coloum. Okay, he wasn't the best ever, but his replacement makes trapping your love-spuds in a door more appealing. Dr. Pam Spurr, with the help of 'steph the agony sister' sort out your problems... Oh christ. The majority of the problems are sex ones. I never knew so many preople were having problems in the bedroom, because every week the pages are full of "I've got a small you know what" or "I can't orgasm with my boyfirend" So? Once in while, I can tolerate these type of questions, but all the damn time? Why not sort some interesting problems out instead of talking about sex every week. Its not the only thing in life. Then Spurro's dating tip (really useful tips you remember when you go out on dates, because you're too sad to date people without help from a stranger).
Todays dating tip goes as follows: "Dress sexy but not OTT. Either wear a sexy top OR skirt. Both shouts easy!". Ladies: You take dating tips (especially crappy ones like this) from a newspaper, you should consider suiside. No useful dating tips here. As for the agony sister? We thankfully have no sex related questions here, but have an attractive, slim, blonde teen who destorys the confidence of all the ugly girls who read the paper. Its glamourising beauty. And, in a little corner, Stephs Diary! Wow! Lets read this excitement:
"Recovered on saturday and played footie in the park (or tried to)". Saying this sucks is not the start. A nobodies diary full of shit that nobody cares about. Whos honestly going to read this and think its interesting? |
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Thats all this newspaper is. Oversexed, celebrity loving bullshit. Any real news doesn't make the big pages, it gets crushed into little boxes fitting all the info in there. Theres more to life than crappy celebrities. Thankfully, all of the paper isn't as bad as parts, but still, heres a stock tip for jordan: Sell any shares in the sunday people now! |
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Note: I sent a copy of this writing to the sunday people. They didn't seem arsed and didn't reply. |
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Wash that round of bullshit down with a visit to the homepage! |
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Or simply have read some more! |
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