*nods* It would seem like it'd suffice, I mean that's the least I can do.
3/4/03
A thorn in my side...Twisting and tearing its way throught the flesh. Eating away at the tissue. Causing more and more pain until the area becomes enflamed, waiting to rupture...Someone finally realises how much pain it is, and how they can get it out. It is just beyond my reach, just out of the way enough that I cannot touch it. Still the pain grows. And finally that someone reaches out without warning, not a word said of the pain that would be felt...Grabs the two sides of the wound and squeezes, festering it, then pulling at the thorn. It surfaces, poking its tiny black head above the skin. Then it's gone. The person releases the skin and puts a bandage around the wound...The searing pain that inflicted my sides had been relieved to a dull throbbing sensation, and soon would be felt no longer.
He holds up the thorn, a tiny speck, that felt much larger than what it was...just a mere thorn, a briar from the rosebush...Much indeed can be said about the reality of this tiny thorn. The thorn in my side...was the past loves...all the pain and anger and hatred that had surfaced because of my loss. All the emotions that were left unsaid because of my kind heart. All the times I had been hurt by other...loves, and 'friends' that liked to take advantage of me. Some indeed lay their claims upon me of love...Some say that they truly still love me...but what am I but a mere obsession? A Thing that they can grasp. Something familiar they can hold on to. Something that keeps their feet on the ground instead of their heads in the clouds...I am a person that treated them well for once in their lives. Then they had to let me go...or I let them go...or I ran. Far away. From them. Because I couldn't take it any more.
What do you do when someone loves you so much it hurts?
I ran...away...because love is too much for me to handle. No, I take that back, love...is the thorn in my side that keeps me from moving on. Love...is the ultimate fear of mine...Love is something I know so much about, have experienced so deeply, yet...I run...Because I am afeared of getting hurt...and hurting someone...Is it all worth it? Perhaps...But something makes me wonder more...something keeps nagging at me in the back of my brain...Have I really found the one that removed the thorn from my side? Have I found the one I am truly meant to be with? I am sorry...but I have not. All the people I have been with...as much as I did love two of them--and still do to a certain extent--are not the ones for me. The pain may be dulled for now...but the thorn still remains, unkempt, and twisting in my side. All I can do is ignore the pain...ignore these feelings inside of me that tell me to settle down with someone, to live my life in happiness with the next one that comes along. I have to ignore it...because I cannot move on, and I can't go back...All I have right now is friends...and perhaps that is all I am meant to have...
~I let out a deep sigh and allows a slight cold teardrop to roll down the side of my cheek, wishing there was one to dry it...The cold tears continue to drizzle down my face as I sit down and draw my knees closer to my body, laying my head upon my knees. Then quietly I hum the sweet tune known to few...one long lost by the ancestry of old. A tune that carries great pain...but somehow appeases every emotion held true to me. As my voice carries upon the wind, my long amber-gold gently wisps across my face. The gentle breeze picks up and the huge cold drops of rain begin to fall around me. The rain begins to numb my body and my salty tears are drowned out. The pitter-pattering sounds begin to lull me and I stand up, feeling the torrents of tears meld with the rain. My song continues and the rain now falls in sheets, soaking my hair and causing my peasant-top to cling to the curves of my body. I continue walking, and listening to the whispers of the trees behind me, watching the rivulets of water and mud form little streams across the damp and dark soil. Watching as each drop descends forming a perfect indentation in the soil...and feeling as each drop invades my aura, at the same time cleansing it, each drop rippling across my aura, shifting from colors of deep crimson and violet to a shallow and mellow midnight blue, matching my eyes. I stare up at the azure sky, watching the billowing grey clouds like cars following imaginary dotted lines, one pursuing the other, then passing, the varying speeds subtle yet amusing. As I finally clear my thoughts and close my eyes, the sounds of the pattering rain decrease and I see the clouds receding behind their mountain hideaway. The sun's golden rays make a blissful return in the blight of beauty across the hidden valley. I take another breath of the mountain air and cast myself away...feeling the pain subside and knowing...that there might be hope afterall.~
All I have to remember...is Like in Life there are pains and strife, there are grey spots like the clouds that cover the earth, sometimes bringing storms, and muddying our path, making it hard to proceed...but Then comes the sunshine, God...that allows the clouds to clear up and our path to once more be revealed. In all things, there will be setbacks...but nothing uncommon to anyone else's lives. And as long as I know that the sun will shine...I will always be able to take that next step on the path.
