“Sometimes I

Need to remember just to breathe

Sometimes I

Need you to stay away from me

Sometimes I’m

In disbelief I didn’t know

Somehow I

Need you to go.

 

Sometimes I

Feel like I trusted you too well

Sometimes I

Just feel like screaming at myself

Sometimes I’m

 In disbelief I didn’t know

Somehow I

Need to be alone.

 

Don’t stay

Forget our memories

Forget our possibilities

What you were changing me into

Just give me myself back and

Don’t stay

Forget our memories

Forget our possibilities

Take all your faithlessness with you

Just give me my back and

Don’t stay.

 

I don’t need you anymore

I don’t want to be ignored

I don’t need one more day

Of you wasting me away.

 

With no apologies.”

 

“Don’t Stay”

- Linkin Park

 

So yeah, I wasn’t going to put in another song for a chapter…but this one worked really well.  So I did.  Hopefully this is better than the last time.

 

Chapter: 12

 

            I procrastinated as much as possible on Monday morning, trying to think of anything not to step out my front door and drive to school and face everyone. Even if Jonathan wasn’t there, as I suspected he might not be, I would still have to deal with everybody else’s accusing stares.  Everything seemed to be against me, even the weather, because, despite my dreary mood, the sun consistently shone, mocking me to the point where I put on my darkest shades just to block it out.

            When I got to the parking lot at school and got out of my care people stared as if I couldn’t see them through my dark shades, but I could, and it felt even worse.  I wanted to take the glasses off, throw them each a challenging glare, but I was afraid that they would all quickly see just how vulnerable I really was.  Today was different as I headed to my locker, I didn’t have my ‘buddies’ to joke around with, I didn’t have girls glancing over their shoulder and smiling at me.  Instead I felt complete isolation and embarrassment as people stared at me, without even bothering to hide it.  Then they would whisper.  Someone even had the gall not to use the drinking fountain after I had.  Yet my conscience screamed at me that I deserved everything I was getting and more.  And this is what Jonathan goes through every day.

            I went through the entire day, not really paying attention to my work, not paying attention to anything except for the constant ache in the put of my stomach that made me realize just how much I missed having Jon around, just how guilty I felt about what I had done.  The word’s “I thought you loved me” and the image of dripping blood just wouldn’t get out of my head, and wouldn’t let anything new in. 

As the day worse on I felt worse and worse, a steady ache to have Jon back, even if it was just to apologize, growing in my stomach.  I contemplated not going to the cafeteria at lunch, but I just had to know if he was there and if my friends were talking about me.  I intended to just step into the doorway, but people kept pushing past and throwing me dirty looks for getting in the way, so I had to actually stand off to the side.  My friends all turned around and stared at me, none of them really knowing what to do or say to each other.  I could tell that they were all astonished that I was even here today.  I didn’t care as much about them as I did about Jonathan.  If he wasn’t here, I was going to be really worried.  I looked off towards the corner table where he normally sat, but it was vacant.  Immediately I felt the flutter of guilt in my stomach again and turned around and left the cafeteria.  I wandered through the halls, heading towards the door, blindly.  I knew people were staring, but it was like I couldn’t see them anymore.  Then, caught completely off guard, I was shoved hard up against a locker.  At first I was startled and then immediately moved to defensive, but when I saw who had shoved me I had to blink and look again to come to terms with who it was.  Jon’s sister…Alyssa I think her name was.  Her eyes narrowed to slits when she saw the flicker of recognition cross my face.

“Don’t you ever fuck with my brother again.” She growled, “I know you’re looking for him, but he doesn’t need to speak to your pathetic ass.  He doesn’t need you…so fuck the hell off.” She ordered.  I wanted to explain, but the words wouldn’t make their way out of my dry throat and I just nodded.  Her arm, still roughly holding me against the lockers, released me and she took off down the hall.  I glanced after her.  People were staring.  I brushed myself off and continued down the hall, ignoring them, and ignoring what’s Jon’s little sister had threatened.  I instead, continued my search for him.

 

***

 

Dragging myself out of bed on Monday morning was almost unbearable.  I was perfectly ready to admit defeat and not show up at school that day- let everyone think I was crazy and had gone out and killed myself.  It was what they all wanted anyway.  I did however manage to drag myself onto school property, going to classes was an on and off event.  I left my English class halfway through.  Just got up and walked out in the middle of it.  I could hear my teacher protesting, but made no move to go back.  Needless to say before third period I ended up in the office, then being referred to guidance because I hadn’t been there the day of my “breakdown” and the principal figured that I needed to talk to someone.  So now I sat in front of the guidance office, waiting to be called in from my seat in the waiting room.  I twiddled my thumbs.  It was my lunch hour, what was I doing here?  I didn’t want to “talk” about my problems.  I wanted to hit or fuck or hurt something.  Not talk it out.  That’s when I made the decision to just leave.  I looked towards the receptionist- she was busy typing and copying things from files.  I waited until she went to the cabinet in the little storage closet before getting up and leaving.  I looked down at the floor, so that nobody would see the paranoid look on my face, and the fear of getting caught.  Of course that meant walking into several people on my way to the doors to leave the school.  Most just gave me a good hard shove into the wall on either side of me.  Never once did the thought occur to look up, though maybe I should have, because the next person I slammed into didn’t push or shove me.  They grabbed my arms and seemed just as shocked as I was.  When my eyes met the mystery face above me I couldn’t breathe from the shock I was in.  Adam. 

I thought that when the day came where I had to face him again that I would be able to take it.  But suddenly, when faced with the reality- things were almost too much.  I couldn’t speak and my airways felt like they were closing up.  My legs started to crumple beneath me, but I forced myself to at least try and stand on them.  Adam’s face reflected almost the same look of shock as mine, but his hands gripped my biceps almost painfully hard, keeping me from running from him, fleeing to the safety of my home.

“What do you want?” I finally found myself saying.  Adam didn’t waste any time and crushed his lips down on mine, his tongue probing into my mouth as he gripped me in a bruising vie like grip- just as the guidance counselor came around the corner.

 

I sat in the guidance counselors office beside Adam, glaring at the wall.  How in the fuck did this happen?  I wanted to kill him for all the misery he had put me through over the past few days.  Now I was probably going to get in even more trouble.  Nobody spoke for a moment as the counselor took her place behind the desk and stared back at us.

“Which one of you would like to start this little sit down?” she invited.  Neither Adam nor I made any motions to start a conversation.  We both sat in identically slouched posture in the upholstered chairs, stone cold and silent.  The counselor, I think her name was Ms. Graves, glanced from Adam to me and back again.

“I take it I should be the one to start?” She asked.  It was obvious that the situation was not going to go away as I had hoped it would.

 

***

“So Adam, Jonathan, I have been informed of what occurred on Friday afternoon after the final bell in the parking lot.” Ms. Graves began, “would either of you care to elaborate for me?” She asked.  I didn’t know what to say.  My tongue had felt numb from the moment I had practically rammed it down Jon’s throat in the hall a few minutes ago.  He didn’t make any move to talk either.  The counselor sighed, brushed a loose hair behind her earlobe.

“Well than I guess this means I’ll have to lead this little sit down.” She said in frustration, yet remaining calm, “Now, there is clearly something going on between you two, and it needs to stop.  It is negatively affecting the both of you- Jonathan, you have been skipping classes, as have you Adam.” She chastised, “You have both been involved in two incidents over the past couple of days, and they need to stop.  Now I am here as a member of the staff to act as a moderator in a safe and relaxed environment for you two to talk out what is going on…”  The counselor droned on and on.  I knew that really, she didn’t want to hear about what was going on.  She knew a lot more was going on between us that we were even letting on.

“Now on Friday, there was an incident, and Jonathan, you ended up getting hurt?” The counselor confirmed with the understatement of the year.  To that Jon opened a bandaged hand but said nothing.

“Okay well,” the counselor said after acknowledging Jon’s hand, “some of the students, well most of the students say you did that to yourself-”

“That’s because I did.” Jonathan spat bitterly, more to the floor in front of Ms. Graves that to her.   The woman drew in a breath.

“May I ask why?” The counselor asked.

“What’s the use in asking if you can ask why when you already have?” Jon said antagonizingly.

“Jonathan I am trying to help.” Ms. Graves said in her own defense.

“Than leave me alone and talk to him.” Jon spat.  Though surprisingly, he didn’t stand up and march out of the office.  He recoiled into the chair more.  The counselor sighed and turned to me for an explanation that I really didn’t have.

“Would you care to give an explanation?” the counselor asked.  I shrugged and decided I didn’t want to help the counselor either- it was nothing against her, it was just none of her business.

“Why are you asking me why he cut himself?” I spat.  Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Jonathan flinch and I felt bad instantly about the way I had put that.

After several more minutes of going absolutely nowhere in the counselor’s office, Jon and I both walked out, each holding a pink slip suspending us from school for three days.  A PDA that I was going to have a lot of trouble explaining to my parents.  When Jonathan noticed which was I was going in the hall, he immediately turned in the opposite direction, though I knew his locker was the same way I was heading.  He was avoiding me.  So I intentionally turned and followed him.  Of course Jon noticed, and with the squeak of running shoes on the linoleum floor, he was heading in the other direction again.  I followed him down the hall and around the corner.  I knew that he noticed me and I also knew that he knew turning around and going in the other direction could continue on forever, and I was not about to give up.

 

***

 

Adam was following me down the hall.  I knew whichever way I went he would keep following.  The last thing I needed on top of a suspension was him.  At least that’s what I was telling myself.  I kept walking to my locker to get some of my books so that I could at least pretend that I was trying to keep up in school despite my suspension.  When I stopped at my locker and spun the lock, grabbing the binders of the shelf, I noticed that Adam was right there behind me.  I tried to ignore him, shoved the books into my bag, and slammed the a jar locker shut.  Then started to walk off towards the doors.

“Jonathan.” Adam said, not too loudly.  I kept walking and didn’t bother to turn around.  He said it again and followed me.  I sped up my steps down the hall, Adam broke into a jog to catch up to me from being several feet behind.

“Jon wait!” He pleaded.  I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t bother to run, that would be immature and wouldn’t help the situation any.  Finally Adam caught up with me and was walking right in step with me.  I tried my best to ignore him though I knew he was looking at me.  Finally before we go t a chance to get out the doors, Adam shoved me against a locker, hard, pinning me there with his larger frame.

“Fuck off.” I growled at him.  His hands wrapped around my neck as he moved to pin me up against the wall so that my feet couldn’t touch the floor, with the rest of his body holding me against the wall.  I squirmed but soon realized that that only served to put more pressure around my neck.  So I went limp, which I thought would help but didn’t seeing as, Adam dragged me down the hall and out the doors.  I started to kick him and growl at him in no uncertain terms to get away from me, that I never wanted to see him again.  We made it almost to his car, where he had to stop to unlock the back door to shove me inside.  Of course I kicked out at him and hit him in the shin, and of course that did nothing. I smacked my head on the doorframe and lay back in the seat with my head reeling, not thinking to get out of the car and walk away- well run, before Adam started the ignition and left the school.

After the ringing in my ears stopped, I sat up in the back seat, rubbing the sore spot on my head.  I glared at Adam in the rearview mirror.  There was only one of two places we could be headed knowing Adam, his bedroom or the park, and neither place appealed to me.  Finally I spoke.

“Where the fuck are we going?” I asked rudely.

“Don’t bug me I’m driving.” Adam said sharply.

“Don’t bug you, you’re driving?” I practically screeched like a girl, or maybe just effeminate fag that I was, “So you can walk into my life, take it, and completely fuck it up, and I can’t bug you when you’re driving?”  Adam kept driving, beginning to twist the wheel more and more violently when he turned, pumping between the accelerator and break violently.  I found myself gripping the door handle.

“Let me out.” I finally said quietly.

 

Okay I know this chapter wasn’t much of a chapter, nor was it a good cliff hanger, it was a shitty one….ah well, I don’t care right now, I’m just have this piece of shit chapter is written so I can move onto bigger and better things- namely chapter 13J  It’s a short chapter- I realize that too, but at least I found an okay breaking point…I guess…

 

 

Next