Okay forgive me,
it’s been a really long wait. But I have
an excuse. I basically wrote myself into
a corner last time with a very mediocre chapter and was trying to find a way over
the past few months to write my way out of it without rewriting chapter twelve. Anyway…here it is…
Chapter: 13
This is not the way Adam Bowen
acted. I wasn’t like this, then again,
lately I had done a lot of things uncharacteristic of me. I wasn’t gay, or attracted to Jon, nor did I
ever have a record of getting in trouble let alone getting suspended, or
driving badly, or worst of all, being such a mean, twisted and selfish
individual. But as I said, in the past
weeks, and especially the past few days, I had changed into a different person,
and I wasn’t all too sure that I liked who I had become. For example, right now I was speeding along
the back roads of
When I noticed a car approaching in the opposite lane, that I
actually was currently in, I finally
slowed down and got into the correct lane, before pulling over at the side of
the road and turning off the ignition. I
was about to admit defeat and just let Jon run.
I thought that’s what would happen when I laid my head in my hands on
the steering wheel. But Jon didn’t move
from the backseat. He sat there,
wheezing slightly. Both of us remained
completely and totally silent for a few minutes. Jon was the first to speak when words were
exchanged.
“Adam what are you doing?” Jon finally asked quietly,
timidly. He sounded tired, like he just
didn’t care anymore, didn’t have the energy to care anymore. I shuddered and let my head fall and hit the
steering wheel. I had no clue what I was doing. Jonathan didn’t move from his spot in the
back seat.
“I don’t know.” I said finally, “I just don’t know.” I was so confused about everything right now,
it felt like the world had suddenly turned and started spinning the wrong
way. Jonathan sat for a moment in the
back seat before moving to the door and unlocking it, then getting out. I watched from behind the windshield in the
drivers seat as he sat on the hood of the car, but didn’t go anywhere. For half an hour we both sat, just like that,
the tension between us so thick you could cut it with a knife. Finally I got out of the car and decided to casually
try and join Jonathan where he sat. He
didn’t respond even as my weight as I sat down on the hood of my car made a
large, but temporary dent in the metal.
“Look Jon, I’m sorry-”
“I don’t really care if you’re sorry, because I will never forgive you!” Jon spat with more
venom in his voice than ever before.
“Then why did you sit on the hood of my car until I joined you?” I
asked.
“Because,” Jon said sharply, turning to face me, “I don’t know
where the fuck we are or if you’ll run me over with your car.”
“I’ve never done anything like that before to you are anyone else,
I wouldn’t start now.” I said. Jon just
looked off down the road.
“You were never interested in guys until you met me.” He said to
the horizon, “Or was that just a momentary lapse of judgment?” I tensed at his words. I wanted it to be a momentary lapse of
judgment. It would be so much easier to
just let that be it, but the reality was that this was how I really felt.
“I was confused.” I said.
“No, you knew what you were doing and how it would end and you did
it anyway.” Jon spat at me. For quite a
few minutes I was speechless. I had kind
of known how it would end, but I had never thought it actually would end. I had treasured every moment spent with Jon
when I was with him, yet I had treasured it knowing it would soon be over.
“Okay you’re right!” I admitted, clenching my fists tightly. Jon didn’t say anything, he didn’t move. I looked up for a moment and saw a tear
escape his left eye and roll down his cheek.
I wanted to lean over and kiss it away, but this was the exact, wrong
time to do that. The question escaped in
a half sobbed whisper;
“Than why did you do it?”
***
I didn’t understand, I was so
confused by it all. What did Adam
want? He wasn’t making it clear to me. I just needed a decision. I couldn’t make one. I was leaving it up to him. Why I was leaving it up to the person that
had hurt me so badly was beyond me.
Maybe because I remembered what it was like to have him lying beside me
in the dark, maybe it was because he made the constant feeling of
worthlessness. No, I tried to tell myself, no
that was before. Adam wasn’t the person you thought he
was. He was never really there. Him being there forever, being nice to you, loving you, was just a dream. When Adam didn’t answer my question again I
repeated myself;
“Then why did you do it?” A tear trickled down my cheek, into my mouth,
the salty taste making me want to gag.
“I-I-I don’t know. At first I guess it was just because they
guys were daring me…and then it was because I liked you, and then it was
because of the guys again.” Adam said.
Adam sighed realizing how little sense he made. “I like you.
I really, genuinely do. I liked
being with you, holding you in my arms and just talking, kissing-” Adam took a
deep breath before he looked off to the horizon rather than me and said;
“making love.” That’s exactly what it
had been in his mind.
“Making love?” I spat harshly, “you
call using me, then leaving me alone and humiliated, making love?”
Suddenly the image of me laying there in the dark, just after the event
came to mind and I remembered Adam’s quietly whispered, “I love you.” More tears dripped down my cheeks.
“But I do love you.” Adam said after
a minute.
“No you don’t!” I almost screamed in
fury. I pounded my fists against my
legs. It would be so much easier if he
didn’t love me, and I didn’t love him deep inside. It would be so much easier to just hate him
right now.
“I need to think.” I said suddenly,
“I need to go home and think.”
“Okay.” Adam replied almost
mutely. He slowly slid off the hood of
the car as I did and went around to the drivers side of the car. We both got in at the same time silently. He started the ignition, and with the crunch
of gravel, we started back into town.
When I got home it wasn’t much of a
surprise that Lily was there and waiting for me. She stood in the doorframe of the kitchen,
glowering at me.
“The school called.” She said
nonchalantly. I nodded and let my
backpack slip off of me and fall with a dull thud to the floor.
“I could have guessed.” I said
dully.
“So you got suspended.” Lily said in
the same tone. I looked up and saw a sly
smile slipping across her face.
“What for?” I didn’t
answer. I had a feeling she knew.
“You already know.” I muttered.
“I know.” She tossed her
hair over her shoulder victoriously, “I just wanted to hear you say it. You kissed
another guy. You’re a fag.”
“No I’m not.” I said. Was
it just me or was my voice wavering beyond control? Lily took a step closer to me.
“Admit it, say it, or I tell your father.” She spat. I couldn’t believe she was sinking so low to
make me so miserable. I looked down at
the floor as I thought about what my Dad would say to me. He would be angry, he would be
disappointed. He would blame it on
Alyssa for being a girl, or blame it on himself for not be around enough. Or maybe he would finally believe me about
that family friend and blame it on them.
But in the end, I was the one that was gay. I was the one who was wrong inside. Why
on earth was Lily playing this game. It
was as if she was a child trying to use something to get her way.
“I’m not a fag.” I finally said. My stepmother stepped
closer to me, backing me up against the closet doors. She shoved until my shoulder blades pressed
into the wood hard enough to bruise.
“Say it.” She prompted again.
I didn’t move, just concentrated on another end of my body to avoid
feeling the pain in my back. I didn’t
have any trouble doing that when she cruelly raised her knee and I felt it
slide uncomfortably close to the area between my legs. My breath hitched.
“Say it.” She demanded again.
I tried to think of what would be worse, saying that I was a fag and
letting Lily torment me for it for the rest of my life, possibly bringing it up
with other people, or getting kneed in the nuts. I decided it would be a lot better to just
let her hurt me than to let her torment me, and so again, I didn’t
respond.
I got more than I bargained for.
***
Trying to focus right now was like
trying to balance a sewing needle on the tip of my pinky finger. Fucking impossible. I wanted to have things resolved for good,
but there was no way that was going to happen any time soon. Jon had left me floating in the middle of
nowhere. Was this the beginning of
something new, or a bitter end? I had
his number, I could phone him. My hand
went to the black lacquer finished telephone on my bedside table but quickly
withdrew. He wanted to be left alone, he
wanted to be away from me, and I had to for once let it go. I could resolve this problem by ending up in
bed with him again.
It seemed like things were
ending, but I knew that it was just about to begin. I would soon be in Jon’s position entirely at
school. Nobody would go near me because
I had “aids”. They’d throw things at me,
call me names- maybe even try and beat me up.
Soon the teacher’s wouldn’t give a shit what anyone did.
“Adam, it’s dinner time sweetheart!”
My mom called from downstairs, a reminder of yet another problem. My parents.
People would talk and my parents would find out and I would be disowned
if they found out the truth. I would be
invisible to them. In short I was
sitting on the edge, alone. The edge of
a great big nothing.
“What’s wrong?” My mother asked me
as I clearly picked at my food. I
decided I might as well start the collapse of my life and pulled the pink slip
out of my back pocket, unfolded it, and put it on the table, sliding it in
front of her. The notice from the school
stating why I was suspended and for how long.
It’s reason was “inappropriate conduct.”
Funny. I didn’t know you could
get suspended for kissing another guy.
“Oh Adam, what happened?” My mom
said using her classic blend of concern and chastisement. My father grunted from the other end of the
table.
“What’d you do now?” He asked
between mouthfuls.
“He’s suspended.” My mom answered
for me.
“Why?”
“It say’s inappropriate behavior.”
My mother answered again.
“Well what kind of
inappropriate behavior?” My Dad asked, “You know there are a few different
kinds; fighting, vandalism, stealing, undermining authority, Adam just what is
it that you did?” I took a deep
breath. Did I dare open this dam? If I didn’t my parents would only find out.
Luckily before I could make my decision, the phone appropriately
rang. My mother got out of her seat when
the telephone rang a second time and after my father made no move to get up to
get it.
“Leave it.” My Dad ordered, “let the machine take it. We need to talk.” We waited until the machine clicked in but
when I heard the voice on the other end of the line an overwhelming sense of
dread washed over me.
“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Brown, it’s Ms. Graves calling from Highland Highschool. I would
have spoke with you sooner, but we had a staff meeting here at the school which
prevented me from doing my usual after school phone calls.” My stomach started to sink to my ankles,
“Anyway as you should know by now Adam has been suspended from school for the
rest of the week, however I would like to arrange a meeting to discuss the
grounds for his suspension. I would like
to meet with both you and Adam, as well as the other boy involved in the
altercation and his parents. Please call
me back at the school, the Davis’ have already specified that any time before
six o’ clock is alright with them. My
number is 426- 1256 extension 8032.
Please call me back as soon as possible, have a good evening!”
There was a brief click and a tone as the machine saved the
message. My parents both stared at me
from across the table. My heart pounded.
“Yet again I ask, what did you do?” My father said sternly, “Did
you beat up a kid?” I stared down at the table and shook my head. Ironic that with the amount of times I had
participated in beating people up I had never been suspended, but I was
suspended for kissing someone.
“Then why does the counselor
want to speak with both families?” She sat back and there was a long silence I
didn’t care to break.
“Is it drugs?” My mother suddenly asked, “Because if it’s drugs,
we can get you help, there are a lot of great rehabilitation centers nearby-”
“It’s not drugs.” I replied, cutting her off.
“Than what is it? Quit
beating around the bush.” My father said harshly, “Just fess up to what you-”
“I kissed him.” I blurted.
The silence that followed my statement was deafening,, and though
I knew there was sound, I couldn’t hear it as my Dad dropped his cutlery, got
up so hard his chair tipped over and fell to the ground
“A him! You kissed another
boy?” Was all I heard my father yell. I
remained mute. My mother sat too shocked
to even cry.
I didn’t say anything when both my parents left the table, my
father to the front door, slamming the door behind him, and my mother trying to
stomp up the stairs after she quietly excused herself. Completely alone and knowing things would get
worse before they got better- if they got better at all.
***
“I’m a fag.” The words tumbled from my lips clumsily, almost as if
by accident.
“What’s that? I didn’t
quite hear you?” Lily sneered at me. I
swallowed the lump in my throat and repeated myself. The cold smile that crept across her features
made me feel sick to my stomach.
“Well fag,” she spat, “the school called and just as if you’re not
enough of an inconvenience, the guidance counselor wants to set up a meeting
next week with the other boy’s family- some kind of intervention or something.”
I let myself slide down the wall, head in hands.
“And unless you want your Dad to know you like dick, you don’t
really have a choice but to bring me.” Lily continued harshly. Though I wasn’t looking, I knew Lily had a
triumphant grin painted across her face.
“God I hope there’s a way to cure you. You sound like you’re spreading it- like a
disease.” She sneered before finally walking away from me. She turned just before heading to the
kitchen; “Oh, and you had better be real nice to me over the next few things,
you wouldn’t want your father to accidentally find out now would you?” Though I had no clue what Lily was going to
do to me, I could almost guarantee it would come close to being as bad as
revealing to my father what his son was really like.
And so, I got up from the floor in the hallway, defeated and
ashamed and went to the only place I could- my room. Cutting had never been something that
appealed to me- until today- but I resisted the awful temptation, and instead,
picked up my chewed up “lucky” ballpoint pen and started to scribble random
phrases onto the page. My anger, my
frustration, my sadness flowed out of the pen, and not only left ink, but deep
depressions in the paper, so that you could feel my words on the next page.
…faggot…
…painful thoughts…
…these memories…
…hate…
…kill you…
…bleed…
…suicide…
And she returns! I’m trying
to wrap this up in the next few chapters guys!
So beware everything should be starting to wind down. After successfully writing this chapter I got
out of my rut I had dug myself into and will be updating again- this time
shortly!