by
Sir Richard Daggereye
and
Glorbadorgullybor
Act I, Scene 3
Characters: Alice, a merwoman; Humpty, a caviar; the Cheshire Catfish, a catfish; the Mad Haddock, a merman; the White Whale, a whale; and Basston, a merman.
(On stage: the Mad Haddock, the White Whale, the Cheshire Catfish, gathered around a rock. Alice enters)
Alice: Oh dear, oh dear, these waters just become curiouser and curiouser. Who are all of you?
Whale: Call me Ishmael.
Haddock: Or call him Lumpy, for it is his name.
Cheshire: We are who we are, my dear, which begs the question, Who are you?
Alice: Why, I'm Alice. Are you having a party?
Whale: Of course! Can't you tell, it's sea time!
Alice: Sea time? Now? Isn't it a bit early in the day for sea time?
Humpty: Sea time is sea time, no matter what old Grandfather says.
Cheshire: Sea time, my dear, is a time of caviar...
Humpty (interrupts): Caviar? What are you? Some sort of monster?
Cheshire: Quite the contrary, I am what I am. Very well, Humpty, for you we will be partaking of sardines instead.
Humpty: (faints in relief, breaking open and thus ending his part of the play)
Alice: But see here...
All but Alice: Sea time!
(All but Alice eat a sardine. Enter Humpty.)
Cheshire: Humpty, my good caviar, it's so excellent to see you.
Alice: Sea time!
(All stare at Alice as if she's crazy).
Haddock: My dear, I think perhaps you're going a bit mad, which is very rude of you since I am the one who is supposed to be mad. Say, is it your spawnday today?
Alice: Why no, it's not.
Humpty: Perfect! Then we shall celebrate your unspawnday today!
Whale: Happy unspawnday! Happy unspawnday!
Cheshire: If Basston were here, this day would be perfect. However, today is his spawnday so the unspawnday celebration would, of course, have to be put on hold.
Alice: Basston? Who's Basston?
Haddock: Who's Basston? You don't know who Basston is?
Whale: Next you'll be telling us you've never heard of the Queen of Carps, either.
Alice: I haven't.
Humpty: Why, Basston is the greatest, the best. In fact...
Humpty, Whale, Haddock and Cheshire sing the following:
Has great fins like Basston
No one's bones are incredibly thin like Basston!
Humpty (singing): Oh there's no one with eyes near as shiny.
Haddock (singing): Don't you know he's got dorsals to spare.
Cheshire (singing): Not a bit of him's algied or slimy.
Humpty (singing): That's right! And every last inch of him's covered with scales.
Humpty, Whale, Haddock, and Cheshire sing:
Sinks big boats like Basston
No one slaps in the waves with his tail like Basston!
Haddock (singing):
every day just to help him get large.
And now that he's grown he eats sahuagin pate
and he's roughly the size of a barge!
Humpty, Whale, Haddock, and Cheshire sing:
Has great fins like Bassston
No one's bones are incredibly thin like Basston!
Oh what a guy....
Basstoooooooooonnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!
Alice: (claps enthusiastically) Wonderful! Bravo!
(Enter Basston)
Basston: Now correct me if I'm wrong, and I'm never wrong, but did I hear my name mentioned? (Looks around) Sea time! You started sea time without the most wonderful creature in the ocean? (looks hurt)
Cheshire: (trying frantically to make something up on the spot) Umm, my dear boy, we were merely trying to whip up a surprise spawnday festivity for you.
All but Alice: Surprise!!!!!!
Basston: Aw, gee, you guys are great. (eats a sardine)
Humpty: Huzzah! It's Basston! What a glorious day!
Basston: Well, I just got back from Waterdeep. Place is so thick with beholders and drow, there's hardly room to swing a cat.
Cheshire: I can't begin to tell you how much that remark offends me.
Basston: I'm sorry, big guy. I see your point.
All but Basston: Sea time!
(All eat a sardine)
Whale: Oh no! I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date! No time to stop and say hello, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!
Haddock: You already did.
Whale: Did what?
Humpty: Say hello.
Whale: Did I?
Cheshire: Yes.
Whale: You're sure?
Cheshire: As sure as an urchin is prickly. Nonetheless, you are late.
Whale: I'm late! I'm late! The Queen of Carps will stab my heart, and then I'll be filleted.
(whale exits)
Alice: But wait! I followed you here, now however shall I leave! Wait for me!
(Alice exits)
Haddock: What a strange mergirl. Say, Catfish, where did all the sardines go?
(Cheshire Catfish smiles broadly as curtain closes)