1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3. All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
4. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
5. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
6. You actually ASK for your father's advice.
7. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
8. Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
9. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
10. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
11. "What's all this stuff about E-mail?" comes out from your voice
12. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
- Duplos will not.
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
- Ditto Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jello.
- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
- It will however make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
- Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
- Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
- Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
- Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
- Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
- Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
- Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
- Say, "Now how did that get there?"
- Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
- Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
- Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
- Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
- Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
- Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
- Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
- Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
- Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
- Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross- Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
- Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
- Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
Excitable : Shorts half twisted around, can't find hole, rips shorts.
Sociable : Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
Cross eyed : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
Timid : Can't piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back
Indifferent : All urinals taken, pisses in sink.
Clever : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
Worried : Not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
Frivolous : Plays stream up, stream down, and tries to hit other urinals.
Absent minded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
Childish : Pisses directly in the bottom of urinal, likes to see bubbles.
Sneak : Farts quietly while pissing, acts very innocent.
Patient : Stands very close while waiting, reads with free hands.
Desperate : Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
Tough : Bangs dick on the side of urinal to dry.
Efficient : Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
Fat : Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoe.
Little : Stands on a box, falls in and drowns.
Drunk : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
Disgruntled: Stands for a while, fires up, walks away.
Conceited : Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.
TURTLE POOPIE: The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.
GAS-SY POOPIE: The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!
DRINKER POOPIE: The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: (Self explanatory)
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOPIE: The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
LIQUID POOPIE: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.
MEXICAN POOPIE: The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.
UPPER CLASS POOPIE: The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
The female passenger will have to pee every 50 miles, no matter how fast you drive.
The minute you pass a "Last exit for 50 miles" sign, someone will have to pee.
The millisecond you throw a beer bottle from your car, a state trooper will appear.
The exact change toll lane moves slower than the lane that has to make change.
Toll booth operators must possess at least two of the following qualities:
-Less than ten digits
-Lack of teeth
-A rare skin disorder
-The ability to mispronounce the simplest of words
-The inability to give directions in under ten minutes
If you approach an empty intersection at 3:00 AM, the light will turn red and stick for two or three cycles.
The minute you decide to run the red light at 3:00 AM, a state trooper will appear.
When the gas gauge needle hits "E", there's still a gallon left in the tank.
When the gas gauge needle hits "F", the tank isn't really full.
Car trouble never happens until you have an important meeting, are already running late, or are at least 100 miles from any type of help.
DISHONEST FARTERS
They who fart and then blame the dog.
FOOLISH FARTERS
They who keep their farts inside.
PROMPT FARTERS
They who always have a fart ready.
MISERABLE FARTERS
They who cannot fart.
STRATEGIC FARTERS
They who fart and cough at the same time.
CLEVER FARTERS
They who fart and cough at the same time.
DISAPPOINTED FARTERS
Those whose farts do not emit odor.
ACUTE FARTERS
Those whose fart smells indicate their recent diet.
MEAN FARTERS
Those who fart in bed and shake covers over spouse - this is not recommended).
VAIN FARTERS
They who love the smell of their own farts.
AMIABLE FARTERS
They who love the smell of others farts.
CONFIDENT FARTERS
They who let out really loud farts.
SHY FARTERS
Those who let out silent farts.
SCIENTIFIC FARTERS
Those who bottle their own farts.
UNFORTUNATE FARTERS
Those who start to fart but poop instead.
NERVOUS FARTERS
Those who stop in mid fart.
HONEST FARTERS
They who confess to the fart.
JEALOUS FARTERS
They who claim the farts of others.
INSECURE FARTERS
They who compare their fart quality to others.
THE FARTERS FARTER
Those rare farters whose farts clear moving vehicles.
They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter - not harder.
Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
I'm in the management training program.
I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broken....
Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
I'm just resting my eyes.
THE KIDDIE PICK: When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is there is no limit.
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When in the presence of other people, you wrap forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you've got an itch but your really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long your probably entitled to dessert.
SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.
PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private this is the one where your finger goes in so far it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and than you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.
PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.
PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a "PICK AND FLICK" but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PAYDIRT: The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves your breathing by 90%.
1. Non stick Cellotape
2. Solar Powered Flash Light
3. A black highlighter pen
4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
5. Inflatable Anchor
6. Smooth Sandpaper
7. Waterproof sponge
8. Waterproof Teabags
9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
10. Fireproof Matches
11. Fireproof Cigarettes
12. Battery powered Battery Charger
13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
14. Hand powered Chainsaw
15. Inflatable Dartboard
16. Silent Alarm Clock
17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
18. Braille Drivers Manual
19. Double sided playing cards
20. Ejector seats for Helicopters
A few crumbs short of a crouton.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Has the intelligence of a Carrot
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
If you wake up 10 minutes before class
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
If your social life consists of a date with the library
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
If you carry less than a dollar on your person
If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
If you celebrate when you find a quarter
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
If you get more sleep in class than in your room
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
If you get more e-mail than mail......
THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!
1. "Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching."
2. "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
3. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
4. "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
5. "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
6. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
7. "Don't ever be too full for dessert."
8. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
9. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
10. "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
11. "When you get a bad mark in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
12. "Never try to baptize a cat."
13. "Never spit when on a roller coaster."
14. "Never do pranks at a police station."
15. "Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
16. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
17. "Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
18. "Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
19. "Stay away from prunes."
20. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
21. "Forget the cake, go for the icing."
22. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
23. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
