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A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener." |
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Blonde Jokes! |
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One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes." replied the cop.
"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......" |
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A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!" |
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A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?" The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!" |
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Q: What did the blond say when she opened up a box of Cherios? A: Oh look, little donut seeds. |
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Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. |
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Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! |
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Q: How many blonds did it take to change the lightbulb? A: 5, one to hold the lightbulb, 4 to turn the room around. |
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Blond #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" Blond #2: "No, who wrote it?" |
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Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. |
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Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. |
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Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads. |
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Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! |
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Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. |
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Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. |
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Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. |
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Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. |
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Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9.... |
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. |
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Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. |
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Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! |
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Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. |
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Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. |
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Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. |
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Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. |
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Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. |
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Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. |
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Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better. |
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Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" |
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Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" |
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Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" |
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Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? A: Data transfer. |
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Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" |
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Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? |
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Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" |
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Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a �10 note. Who picks it up? A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. |
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Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side. |
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Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. |
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Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. |
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Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. |
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Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week. |
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Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. |
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Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. |
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Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. |
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Q: How do you drown a blond? A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. |
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Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Don't tell her to swallow. |
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Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. |
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Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties. A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit. |
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Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool? A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. |
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Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." |
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Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. |
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Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. |
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Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. |
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Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. |
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Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television. |
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Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1. |
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Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond? A: A labrador. |
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Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. |
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Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem. |
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Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. |
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Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. |
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Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. |
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Q: Why do blondes drive VW's A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!! |
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Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings? A: Tell them a joke on Friday night! |
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Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. |
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Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blond electrician |
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Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A1: So brunettes can remember them. A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit. |
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Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. |
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Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. |
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Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" |
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Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. |
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Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. |
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ... you're next!" |
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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." |
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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?" |
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On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." |
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| A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning." |
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A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a TV. After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home. She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this television." she says to the salesman, getting the same response; "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated. She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!" |
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Story of a Blonde
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate" - she put lipstick on her forehead because omeone told her to make up her mind. - she got stabbed in a shoot-out - she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK" - she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order - she sat on the tv and watched the couch - she sent me a fax with a stamp on it - she tried to drown a fish - she thought a quarterback was a refund - she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death - if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back - they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade - under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics" - she tripped over a cordless phone - she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept - at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius" - she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store - it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless - she studied for a blood test - and failed - she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center - she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats - she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train - she sold the car for gas money - when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends - when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved - she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill - when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead - when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home |
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A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." |
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| A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the headphones o.k.?" "Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones" "No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her" screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself. She heard the strangest thing... "breathe in...breathe out... breathe in...breathe out." |
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| A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. They were running along when they came upon a dock. On the dock were three gunnysacks. They could hear the cops approaching, so the brunette suggested that they get in the sacks. So they got in the sacks right before the cops arrived. A cop kicked the sack with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff ruff ruff!" He said, "Oh, it's only a dog." He kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow meow meow." He said, "Oh, it's only a cat." Then, he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "POTATOES POTATOES POTATOES!" |
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| Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks. "Looks like deer tracks", said one blonde. "No, it looks like maybe a cow track," another blonde suggested. "Actually, I think they are just dog tracks," the third blonde offered. They were still arguing when the train hit them! |
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| A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!" |
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| Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady replied,"My phone doesn't have an eleven!" |
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One day a blonde woman walks into a bar and sits down and pours out a bag of M&M's, picks the brown ones out and eats the other colors. The bartender comes up to her and asks why she was taking out all the brown M&M's, she says, "I'm allergic to chocolate." |
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Every time this blonde touched her shoulder, it hurt. Every time she touch her thigh, it hurt. Everywhere she touched with her finger it hurt! So she went to the doctor and asked what is the matter. The docter asked if she was a natural blonde and she said yes. The doctor stated to the blonde that she had a broken finger. |
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| A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan." |
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| Three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss, Ms. Taylor, left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that when their boss left, they would all leave early too. The next day, when their boss left, they did too. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The Blonde went home, walked into her bedroom, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. So she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head talked about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!" |
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| A blonde, a brunette, a moviestar, the pope, and a pilot were in a plane. The plane was going down, and there were only 4 parachutes. So the pilot took one and jumped, then the moviestar took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. Since there was only one parachute left, the pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left...the blonde took my backpack and jumped." |
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A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL." |
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| Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over ninety miles an hour. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?" The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Damn" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..." |
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| A blonde competed with a redhead and a brunette in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The redhead came in first, the brunette second. The blonde finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms." |
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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stuck on a deserted island. They find a magic lamp, and when they rub it a genie appears. Because there are three of them, they get one wish each. The brunette says "I miss my family and I want to go home." POOF!, the brunette was gone.
The redhead makes the same wish and POOF! she was gone as well.
Finally the blonde makes her wish. "Gee, I miss my friends," she says. "I wish they were back here with me." (POOF POOF) |
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| A blonde goes in to apply for a job and she fills out an application. She takes it up to the man and he says you forgot three blanks. He asks how old are you, so she counts on her fingers and finally reaches 22, okay then how tall are you so she tries to measure herself she says 5'2, okay then what is your name, she nodes her head back and forth for a few seconds and says Jenifer. He says okay I get how you got your age and you height, but how you you get your name by noding your head back and forth, she says I was singing "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear jenifer. |
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| Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!" |
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A blonde is driving along the highway in her Volkswagen Beetle when she sees another blonde on the side of the road standing at the front of another Beetle with the hood up. Thinking that she may be able to help she pulls over and asks the other blonde what the problem is. "Well I was just driving along on the highway when suddenly the car died, I pulled over and popped the hood and saw that my engine was gone," replied the second blonde. "Well not to worry," replied the first, "I have a spare one in my boot." |
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| A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe. |
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