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That blank stare again... I don't think I'm hung over... had enough sleep last night... I'm not sick... This constant spinning of the wheels is getting frustrating. midnight and another day passes. It's like I'm in school again, confused about an uncertain future. Not sure about where the road is leading and if I'm walking in the right direction. Maybe the choices were easier then, cuz they sure seem hard now... This is supposed to be the twilight of youth, where all the excitement comes. This is where the last 25 years of fuzziness become clear...

Day Zero. January 1st 0000, time 00:00. Begin here. Start here and forget the good and the bad. Cant I wake up and look at my calendar this way...

I'm not saying that I've had a bad life... it's just how things are staring to mold me that I cant understand. If it weren't for experience, we'd be nothing. We'd have nothing to grow on. We'd have nothing to learn from, especially our mistakes. We'd have no character. We'd just be eternal children. But then, these mistake are what makes the world so interesting, so unpredictable... because these mistakes can turn out to be the right choices sometimes. Well I guess you wouldn't call them mistakes then... As a simpleton in a chaotic world, the simplest answer can sometime be the most correct. The easiest way to live is with the heart. The path of least resistance is the one the is straight ahead... The truths are told by children...

So with all these experiences, it only builds a model of safety and society rule. We pick up on each experience and begin to build this complex image of puzzled necessities and pocket sized advancements, never really willing to let go and let the cards play out. We take a bit here, and bit from what we see and what we're told.. and a bit more just because we settle for a life that does not take so much effort... The next thing you know, you've got a manuscript on everything. You've planned out your wedding and how your spouse will look when you says "I do". The kids are going to listen intently at the stories you have at work after a long day... And the birds chip every morning when you wake....

This looking glass is not so clear. I can't tell if I am who I am because this is me, or is it just the person I've turned into... too many things. Everyone can be molded no matter how much we try to keep the self. We cant help it, most of us welcome the mold. I just want to be able to crack open this mold and look in the mirror... see if there's anything I recognize... See if I can look at things the way I use to...

I close all the lights and press the little red button on my phone that signals off. Three candles lit. A little chill out music in the background. A few deep breaths and I start to fade away... Tomorrow I'll wake up and look at the calendar... I wonder what day it'll be...