Your Childhood Sucked Part II: Deadly Toys
Familiarity breeds contempt, and after three or four years of changing your shit-filled diapers instead of having sex your parents were very familiar with you. With every passion cramp they contemplated your murder, plotting some scheme that would off you without arousing police suspicion.
That’s why your parents bought you toys. (Did you think it was because they loved you? Fool. If they loved you they would have spent time with you.) Every toy was an instrument of death:
Legos:
Who hasn’t choked on legos? It’s no mistake that those brightly-colored bricks look like candy. They collect in your stomach like gizzards. Hell, I found one in my vomit Friday. Yeah, I ate it a second time.
Barbies:
Barbies are made from lead, Mountain Dew, uranium, penguin bones, and cocaine. If you weren’t immediately turned into a bile-oozing mass of cancer, parents could count on their daughters’ low self-esteem caused by an unattainable ascetic of beauty to lead to a death by anorexia.
Action Figures:
These aren’t just dolls equipped with guns and moving parts so that fathers can remain in denial over their sons being gay. No, with surprisingly little abuse these “macho” Barbies could splinter into jagged pieces and impale children.
Stuffed Animals:
In the industry they’re called cholera farms.
Nintendo:
Originally designed to induce seizures, they instill racism in children by teaching them that Italian plumbers are mushroom-humping idiots. Mama mia!
Was it a coincidence that Chucky was a doll? Wake up! That was Hollywood’s way of telling you that your parents were trying to kill you.
