Your Childhood Sucked Part III: Hard Time in Kindergarten
Your parents faced a crisis. The television, which they had used as a cheap nanny, didn’t show children’s programming in the midday. You weren’t going to sit still watching soft-core humping on “Days of Our Lives,” and your parents were already fined by Child Protective Services for tying you to the toilet with a rope. Your parents needed to find a new way to avoid you.
So they sent you to kindergarten. This was a small room that smelled of your Uncle Mike’s Alcoholics Anonymous meeting held there the night before. In the center was a multicolored rug. Sadly, this rug was the basis of the kindergarten social structure. The only person who didn’t have to sit ‘Indian Style’ on the rug all damn day was the “teacher”-a pothead who got her GED by trading sexual favors for test answers with a butch biker-chick named Mitch. The teacher, paranoid that top-secret glitter and paste technology would fall into Nazi hands, made you file your art projects in secure ‘cubbie-holes.’ The next day, you work would be graded rigorously and be awarded the highest of honors-a small sticker. You could have wiped your ass with construction paper, turned it in, and you would have still received a sticker. Your work was as certain to earn a sticker as it was to be chucked into the trash when you brought it home to your parents.
Once a day, the teacher would take a break to get high. This meant ‘nap time’ for all the kids. This was a magical time when, after you ate lunch, you could escape the sweatshop training-camp. You could forget about how some girl hit you at recess, causing you to piss yourself. You were free from the tyranny of the alphabet and the depression that comes from being the slowest kid in the class.
No wonder you had nightmares…
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