Your Childhood Sucked Part I: Your Parents Lied to You
Not satisfied by their empty lives, your parents amused themselves by lying to you when you were an innocent child. Quite possibly the only bond that sustained the marriage of your frigid mother and abusive father was the joy they shared when they betrayed your trust by pulling a fast one.
Lie #1: Santa Claus
The Truth: There is no Santa Claus. At the mall it’s just the creepy school janitor wearing a degrading costume for vodka money. That’s why there’s a package in his lap, and yes, it’s for you. Also, those presents under the tree are really from parents who can’t express their love openly, and are so cheap that they’d rather propagate a grotesque mythology than buy you gifts more than once a year.
Lie #2: Fluffy Joined the Dog Circus
The Truth: Your dumpster smelled extra rank that weekend because Fluffy’s rotting carcass was in there. Yep, your dad killed him because he was too lazy to feed him. But hey, at least he didn’t flush him down the toilet like Goldie. “Dog Circus?” Try “Maggot Farm” instead.|
Lie #3: The Tooth Fairy
The Truth: One of your parents woke up before you did and put money under your pillow. Be thankful that’s all they did. What’s really funny is that the same sick people that taught you to sell your teeth get pissed off when you sell your semen or eggs. They’re just angry because you figured out where the real money is.
Lie #4: Mommy and Dr. Patterson were hugging
The Truth: Dr. Patterson is your real father. Don’t get mad at your mom; it’s only natural for a woman to fall in love with her gynecologist when her husband won’t touch her anymore. She also banged her proctologist, but nothing could come of that.
Sure, you’ll try to learn from your parents’ mistakes and raise your kids differently. But you’ll fail. Your kids’ childhood will suck, just like your childhood sucked.
