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General Jokes

      A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
     A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon canning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
     The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth.
You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher
than a cabbie."
     St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

     Nikhil and Mona were newlyweds. Nikhil thought this would be a modern
marriage, meaning they would each play equal roles. So, the first morning
after their honeymoon, he brought Mona breakfast in bed.
     However, Mona wasn't at all impressed by his culinary skills. Looking disdainfully at the tray, she snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the following morning, Nikhil brought his new bride a scrambled
egg.
     Unfortunately, Mona wasn't satisfied. "Did you ever stop to think that
perhaps I like variety?" she snapped. "I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please her, the next morning, he brought her two eggs….one
poached and one scrambled.

"Here, my darling, enjoy," he said cheerfully.
Mona was infuriated. "You scrambled the wrong egg!" she screamed.

     I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
     There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty ears of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would egularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
     It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

      When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in your car.

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful. "For example," the Judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom." When the Judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?" "What?" exclaimed the Judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?" "I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "he knew exactly where it was."

As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements.

Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."

Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."
They proceed.
Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."

Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

This old man and old woman (husband and wife) die and go to heaven. There, St. Peter gives them the grand tour of their new home. It's a HUGE mansion with a limo driver, gardener, etc.

The old man exclaims, "That's ours?"

St. Peter says "Yes, it is yours, forever and ever."

The old man is a little suspicious and says, "How much is the rent?"

St. Peter says, "It is free. After all, this is heaven."

Across the street is an expansive golf course with beautifully manicured lawn, interesting layout, and fun golf carts.

St. Peter says, "You can play here whenever you want."
The old man says, "What are the green fees?"

St. Peter replies, "None. After all, this is heaven."
The old man is very impressed. They go inside the house and on the dining room table is a gigantic feast with roasted meats, desserts, fine wine and all the fixings.

The old man says, "How many calories?"
St. Peter says, "None. After all, this is heaven."

The old man gets a look on his face like he suddenly understands what heaven is all about.

Then the old man suddenly turns and slaps the old woman, yelling, "You stupid witch! If it weren't for your damn bran muffins and tofu and other health food, not to mention making me give up booze and cigarettes and take exercise every day, we could have been here YEARS ago!"

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