| Frequently Asked Questions |
| Are you a real clown? or How did you get started in clowning? I get this a lot. It's a long, complicated story. Let's just say that I'm a grown man who has made some poor financial decisions in the past. I mean, I entertain young children, for Christ's sake! And if anyone ever wants to get you started in a pyramid scheme, you run. Run for the hills! And when people tell you to never look a used car salesman in the eyes, they mean it! How do I contact you? Just shoot me an email at [email protected] and ask for Bubbles! Tell him I honked your nose! Where are you located, and how far do you travel? I am located in the Salt Lake Valley, and will travel to most places in the valley, within reason, for no extra charge. I can travel further, if the tips are sweet enough. Let me put it this way, the Clown Union doesn't appreciate having one of their entertainers tied up for the entire day travelling to the middle of nowhere to entertain hilltrash that doesn't tip well. Thanks a Millions! Clown Union? What the hell?! That's the ICU (Internationl Clown Union.) There are some people who treat us like, well, clowns. They humiliate us, set up bogus gigs, and refuse to tip. So we banded together to teach these people a lesson. What do you charge? I already answered that here. Dumbass. How far in advance should I book? Anytime will do, just don't call on the 5th and 20th of the month. That's when I get paid and cash my paycheque at the state liquor store. You won't be able to get a hold of me for hours. Who are your influences in clowning? Many. A brief list includes: Rusty Nails, Krusty the Clown, Wiggles T. Clown, Homey the Clown, Stephen King/Pennywise the Dancing Clown, Tim Curry, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Alice Cooper ("Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me,") George Carlin, Koko the Clown, "Weird Al" Yankovic, and Bobbo the Clown. Are there any clowns/entertainers out there today you have a problem with? Oh hell yes. Ronald McDonald for starters. He's a corporate whore, a sellout, and promotes rancid Big Macs. Also, I have a problem with mimes. What do you have against mimes? They're greedy bastards, never content with their own territory. They always try to take over our territories. Salt Lake City was long ago proclaimed a "Clown Town," but now the mimes have arrived in full force and are trying to take over and establish a local monopoly on the Professional Foole industry. And that God damned Jacko the Mime, keeps stealing my gigs! I mean, I had this bar mitzvah booked three months in advance, and arrive there. And before I can arrive, I hear my car alarm go off. I go back to check on my car, and everything's okay. But when I go back to the doorstep and knock, who do I find already entertaining the kids? Jacko, that's who! And the parents explain that they only need one foole, while Jacko looks straight at me and sarcastically waves good-bye. Jacko and his fellow mimes are about to learn that SLC is clown country, always has been, always will be. How can I get started in clowning? Sorry, but the Clown Union doesn't like our tricks of the trade getting out. And you DO NOT want the Clown Union coming down on your ass. Do you make appearances at restaurants? I am sorry to say, but I no longer make restaurant appearances. It just makes me sad that some restaurants (which shall remain anonymous) will not let me appear there, just because I'm Jewish. What other services do you provide? I can legally perform marriages. And coming soon, I'll be able to perform same-sex unions. Why would I want to get married by a clown? Why, to piss off your uptight mother-in-law, of course! Please note, I'm a heavy smoker, so don't be surprised if I smoke while performing your wedding. |
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