Even more Sillies!

WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Amazing - You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,"How'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty...do it and die."

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS

How many of these apply to you?

I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
Sometimes I re-write film or television dialogue as the characters speak.
I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel.
I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates a serious problem.

All I Need To Know About Life, I Learned From A Cow

Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
Don't cry over spilled milk.
When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
It's better to be seen and not herd.
Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
Never take any bull from anybody.
Always let them know who's the bossy.
Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, "What a peaceful and loving couple." A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by a pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once.' And we lived happily ever after."

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. ''Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for"Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

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