Even more Sillies!

A FEW WEIGHT LOSS QUOTES

Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days.

You aren't older, you just made it to earth before me.

A DOG'S LIFE

Premise:
What social life would be like if people behaved like dogs

Opening scene:
A living room. Some of the guests have already arrived and are racing around the room, variously hugging, colliding, dancing around each other, patting one another vigorously on the shoulders and jumping up and down.

Another guest arrives at the door and rings the bell. Everyone runs over to the door, evidently excited beyond belief, and stands or jumps around, jostling each other while staring at the door and yelling, "WHO'S THERE?!?! WHO'S THERE!?!?!" The guest on the other side of the door yells back, "WHO'S THERE?!?!? WHO'S THERE!?!?" Somehow, the new arrival enters and the party resumes as before.

The camera follows several of the guests around, including: A muscular male dressed all in black who carries a Frisbee everywhere, clutched tightly to his chest. If anyone touches the Frisbee, he whirls abruptly around and stalks off, glaring over his shoulder.Another man, dressed in plaid, rather jolly, who has a drooling problem. Every so often he shakes his head and drool flies onto adjacent guests, who don't even notice. A depressed-looking woman who spends the entire evening methodically ripping a large, stuffed chair to shreds. A small group huddled together in a corner. They are all talking loudly and at the same time about completely unrelated subjects. A huge guy, with jeans jacket and tattoo, who goes up to various people, drapes his arm over their shoulders and gives them a giant squeeze. Whoever it is immediately hands their hors d'oeuvre to the guy, who eats it. A very small old lady with frizzy hair who leaps out from behind the furniture at passersby and speaks sharply to them. Even the huge guy is daunted.The party Lothario who sidles up to anyone, male or female, and tries to smooch, but often misses the other person's face. Nobody seems to mind.

Various bits of action occur:
Someone emerges from the bathroom, and everyone rushes over and crowds in to see what's happened.A guest, looking out the window, suddenly gets very excited and yells, "A CAT!!! A CAT!!! A CAT!!!" Everyone rushes to the window and joins in, yelling "A CAT!!! A CAT!!! A CAT!!!" Two people-one big, one little-grab an appetizer at the same time. They stand stock still, each holding on to it and staring out the corner of their eyes at each other. Suddenly, the big one whirls around and tries to walk off with it. The little person, however, doesn't let go and is flung around in the first one's wake.

In the kitchen, several guests have knocked over the garbage and are going through it. In the backyard, several people with little spades are digging holes. A fight breaks out in the living room between two guests, but it's over in three seconds and the opponents hug each other joyfully. Several guests can be seen hiding bits of food around the living room. They carefully scan for a likely spot, put the food down, then pick it up again and start looking for a better place.

One guest, with his hands full of food, simply holds onto it and snarls at anyone who approaches him. He keeps trying to add more food to his pile, spilling as much as he acquires.

Dinner is served:
Everyone races over to the table and there's a big to-do while the seating arrangement is worked out.Then all the guests eat as fast as they possibly can. Every so often, one guest simply grabs something off the plate of the person next to him/her. Sometimes that person grabs it back. When everyone's finished, they jump up and change places to inspect each other's plates.

After dinner, everyone takes a nap. They are sprawled around the room, some in little groups huddled together, some on their backs on couches with their feet up on the arms and their hands flung over the back, some curled up awkwardly in overstuffed chairs with their chins propped up on the arms. Occasionally, we see limbs twitching and hear little contented noises.

Party games:
Tug of war
How many tennis balls can you hold.
A relay race in the back yard where the baton is never passed off. Each member of the team simply grabs hold when his or her turn arrives and everyone runs together.
Tug of war
Singing together around the piano, but everyone sings a different song.
Tag
Grab the tail of the donkey.
Musical chairs, where shoving is allowed and you can sit on more than one chair. The big guy in the jeans jacket always wins.
Good-byes:
A real dog party, of course, would never stop. So we have to introduce another group of humans who gradually arrive to pick up the guests. This is no easy task, as the target guest runs off when called. There's a lot of milling around and loud confusion as the caretaker humans go after the guests, sometimes grabbing them by the collar or the arm and hauling them away while the guest looks back at the crowd, waving joyfully.

Outside, on the sidewalk, a passerby is knocked down by a group of departing guests. Everyone looks very happy, and the good-byes are loud and enthusiastic. The End

RULES FROM (not for) MEN

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Have you ever wondered???

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,why is there a song about him?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these angly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs
Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all the Acme products, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
And who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"
THE ULTIMATE STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The wonderful thing is that it really works.

1) Picture yourself near a stream.
2) Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3) No one but you knows your secret place.
4) You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5) The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6) The water is crystal clear.
....
7) And you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater!

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Page 5 will arrive in spring 2004 -- or maybe earlier. We'll see!
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