More Sillies!

WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in Aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Amazing - You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Popular Sayings....with a twist

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the heck alone.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Bumper Stickers under Consideration (..no, not really)

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Murphy's Laws of Computers

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to>happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer,it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it's downright natural.
He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Signs You're In the 21st Century!

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

The 23rd Pound

My appetite is my shepherd, I shall not want.
It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, thought I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating.
For the Food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that soon I shall dig in.
As I fillith my plate continuously, my clothes runneth smaller.
Surely, bulges and excess weight shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will be fat forever.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? (According to Mormons)

Laman: To usurp the authority of his older brother chickens and to take possession of their coop.
J. Golden Kimball: Why the hell else would he cross the road? To get to the other side, dammit!
Brigham Young: Because this is the right place in the road.
Paul H. Dunn: I remember one time when a chicken wandered into my foxhole on Okinawa...
Thomas: I don't really believe the chicken crossed the road.
Noah: Are you sure there weren't two chickens?
Lilburn W Boggs: I don't care which side of the road the chicken's on, you have permission to kill it.
Elder's Quorum President: It was the 31st and he had to get his Home Teaching done.
Relief Society President: That's where the refreshments were.
The Doctrine and Covenants: "The duty of a chicken is to cross the road when there is no other poultry present."
Mark Hoffman: Would you like to buy the chicken's original diary documenting his crossing of the road?
Lamoni's servants: We don't know why it crossed the road; all we know is it's wings had been cut off.
Martin Harris: I have never denied seeing the chicken cross the road.
Temple Square Guide: The acoustics are so good you can hear the chicken cross the road from any seat in the Tabernacle.
Peter: I've told you twice already, I don't know that chicken!
President Merrill J Bateman: I'm not so much concerned that the chicken crossed the road but that its feathers were not knee-length.
Gerald Lund: Not only did this chicken cross the road, but his whole family crossed the road as well. The grand, panoramic story of this chicken's family will be told in my soon-to-be-released 36 volume set "The Cluck and the Glory."
Nephi: It is better for a chicken to cross the road than a nation dwindle in unbelief.
Lorenzo Snow: As the egg is, the chicken once was; as the chicken is, the egg may become.

Ten Rules of Housekeeping

Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.�Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.� Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.�Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.�If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting,simply look affronted and exclaim, "What?� And spoil the mood?"
In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability.� Roll your eyes when you say this.
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door.� As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
Don't bother repainting.� Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle.� Mist the air lightly.� Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.� Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Martha's Way vs. My Way

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugarcone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad! My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way #16: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #17: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

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