ACT THREE
(Takeru and Iori appear once more in front of the curtain. Armadimon and Patamon are nowhere to be seen. Takeru notices the Digimons� absence and calls to the sidelines.)
Takeru: Guys, we�re on!
Patamon: (From offstage) We�re not coming!
Takeru: Why not?
Armadimon: We�re on strike.
Takeru: Strike?! What are you striking against?
Patamon: We wanna be in the play, too. We�re striking for larger parts.
Takeru: But-- (Iori cuts him off.)
Iori: Let me handle this, Takeru-kun. (He waves his Fairy Godbrother wand and a pile of chocolate appears onstage.) Armadimon! Patamon! We have chocolate!
(Patamon and Armadimon dash onstage and begin eating.)
Takeru: What about your strike?
Patamon: We came to a mutual agreement.
Iori: Now that that�s settled, we have important narration to do.
Takeru: Right! It seems that Digitanna is in deep trouble. Prince Daisuke has been kidnapped and is being held in a dungeon, his rescuers have been tied up and are being forced to marry his henchmen--
Sora: (From offstage) And henchwoman!
Piyomon: (From offstage) And henchmon!
Takeru: (Sweatdropping) Uh...right.
Iori: Meanwhile, King Jyou, Queen Mimi and Yamato are trying to find a way to get rid of Yamato�s insane ex-wife, so they can�t be of any help. It seems that the prince may never escape the fiendish clutches of King Oikawa....
(The four step aside, revealing Daisuke and Chibimon once more sitting in their dank dungeon cell. Chibimon is looking a little sniffly.)
Chibimon: Why didn�t I get any chocolate?
Daisuke: Prisoners don�t get chocolate.
Chibimon: But--but that�s not fair! I�ll sue!
Daisuke: Something tells me that won�t work.
Chibimon: Phooey. Don�t we have anything to eat?
Daisuke: Bread and water. It�s typical prisoner food. (Sighs) I wish Ken would hurry up. I miss him. The way his eyes sparkle when he laughs, the way his hair can stick straight up and change colors at will, the way he handles that whip of his....
Chibimon: I miss the chocolate sauce he keeps hidden in the underwear drawer.
Daisuke: Eh....let�s keep that our little secret, okay?
Chibimon: (Shrugging) �Kay.
(Suddenly, the door to the dungeon opens and Oikawa steps in, flanked by Archnemon and Mummymon. Daisuke jumps up and leans out of his cell to get a better look.)
Daisuke: So that�s King Oikawa.
Chibimon: How do you know that�s him?
Daisuke: Well, just look at him. Pasty complexion, freaky flat eyes, oily hair....he�s got to be the head villain.
Oikawa: Well done, prince. You�re not as dumb as everyone says.
Daisuke: Gee, thanks for saying so. You�re not as ugly as everyone---ah, never mind.
Oikawa: I suppose you are wondering why I had you brought here.
Daisuke: About time! I knew you�d tell me eventually. Villains can�t resist that sort of thing.
Oikawa: Well, if you�re going to be smug about it, then maybe I won�t tell you.
Daisuke: Aw, come on! I wanna know!
Chibimon: (Bouncing up and down) Ooh, me too! Me too! Pretty please?
Daisuke: Please tell us? Tell us or we�ll annoy you about it until you do!
Oikawa: You seem to forget who�s in control here.
Daisuke & Chibimon: Please? Please? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease--
Oikawa: Stop that!
Daisuke & Chibimon: Pleasepleaseplease--
Oikawa: All right already!
Daisuke: Score! Go us! (He and Chibimon exchange a high five.)
Oikawa: I have captured you in order to lure all the royals into my clutches. Soon, I will be able to destroy you all and overrun your kingdom.
Daisuke: Why do you want to do a jerky thing like that?
Oikawa: Because....Digitanna annoys me.
Chibimon: Makes sense to me.
Daisuke: You creep! My Ken-chan�s going to come and save me, and then you�ll be sorry!
Oikawa: I think not. Even now, my servants have captured your dear little �Ken-chan.� He will never come for you!
Daisuke: You�re lying!
Oikawa: For once, I�m not. You are all alone now, dear prince.
Chibimon: What about me? I�m here!
Oikawa: You don�t count.
Chibimon: (Sniffles) You�re so mean.
Oikawa: I�m not mean. I�m evil.
(The room goes dark, with a light focusing on Oikawa as slow violin music starts playing.)
Oikawa: When the Devil is too busy
And Death�s a bit too much
They call on me by name you see.
For my special touch.
To the gentlemen I'm Miss Fortune
To the ladies I'm Sir Prize
But call me by any name
Anyway it's all the same.
Daisuke: You�re still a big ugly freak?
(The music speeds up a little and Oikawa starts dancing. Archnemon and Mummymon join him in an impromptu kickline.)
Oikawa: I'm the fly in your soup
I'm the pebble in your shoe
I'm the pea beneath your bed
I'm the bump on every head
I'm the peel on which you slip
I'm a pain in every hip
I'm the thorn in your side
Makes you wriggle and writhe
And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need.
Chibimon: That�s not very nice, is it?
Oikawa: While there�s children to make sad
While there's candy to be had
While there's pockets left to pick
While there's grannies left to trip down the stairs
I'll be there, I'll be waiting round the corner
It's a game, I'm glad I'm in it
'Cause there's one born every minute
And it�s so easy when you�re evil
This is the life you see,
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I�m evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I�ll ever need.
(The kickline stops for a moment and Oikawa presses a hand to his heart, like he�s singing the National Anthem or something.)
I pledge my allegiance to all things dark
And I promise on my damned soul
To do as I am told, Lord Beelzebub
Has never seen a soldier quite like me
Not only does his job, but does it happily.
I'm the fear that keeps you awake
I'm the shadows on the wall
I'm the monster they become
Daisuke: Can�t argue with that.
Oikawa: I'm the nightmare in your skull
I'm a dagger in your back
An extra turn on the rack
I'm the quivering of your heart
A stabbing pain, a sudden start.
And it�s so easy when you�re evil
This is the life you see,
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I�m evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I�ll ever need.
And I do it all for free,
Your tears are all the pay I�ll ever need.
And I do it all for free,
Your tears are all the pay I�ll ever need.
(The music slows and Oikawa lowers his head, looking sad.)
It gets so lonely being evil
What I'd do to see a smile
Even for a little while
And no one loves you when you're evil...
Daisuke: Gee, I�m real sorry about that but--
(Oikawa suddenly jumps up and dances a little more.)
Oikawa: I'm lying though my teeth
Your tears are all the company I need.
Mwhahahaha!
(The lights come back on and Oikawa bows.)
Daisuke: I think that was the most disturbing kickline I�ve ever seen in my life.
Chibimon: (Nodding) Mm-hmm.
Oikawa: I don�t care what you think of my kickline. You are both my prisoners. Get used to this dungeon, as it will be the last place you ever see! Mwhahahaha! (He walks off, flanked by Archnemon and Mummymon. As he leaves, he starts coughing.) Damn it, is someone going to get me those lozenges or not?!
Daisuke: This is getting bad....who knows how many evil musical numbers we�ll be subjected to before Ken saves us?
Chibimon: But Oikawa said that Ken was captured.
Daisuke: I don�t believe him! Ken wouldn�t let anything come between the two of us....I�m sure of it. (He pauses and glances down at Chibimon) Uh, will you stop chewing on my shoe?
Chibimon: If I�m going to die, I want it to be on a full stomach.
(Meanwhile, back in Digitanna, Yamato, King Jyou, and Queen Mimi are having an impromptu council of war to figure out how to get rid of Jun.)
Yamato: She must be stopped. Look what she�s done to my hair. It�s all....frazzled. I have locks out of place; do you have any idea what a travesty that is?!
Jyou: Between her looking for you and you running around and screaming, I�m surprised we have a single unbroken piece of pottery left. And I don�t really like being woken up at midnight by terrified screams. It�s not healthy to have less than eight and a half hours of sleep a day, you know.
Mimi: Much as I like having another woman around, she�s getting too screechy for my tastes. At this rate I�ll never get the peace and quiet I need to give my Seventeen magazines the close and personal attention they deserve.
Jyou: So what do we do? You said you had a plan.
Mimi: All we need to do is find Jun someone else to latch on. Then she�ll leave Yamato alone.
Yamato: And I�ll be free to go after Taichi! All I need to do is pack my makeup bag and I�ll be ready.
Jyou: I have some skin lotion I can loan you.
Yamato: Perfect. But how do we get Jun away from me? After all, I am the epitome of perfection.
Mimi: Simple. (She turns to Jyou) Your brother Shuu�s coming to visit tomorrow, isn�t he?
Jyou: Mimi, you�re not suggesting....
Mimi: Girls love older men.
Jyou: But--but he�s family! You can�t really expect me to give my own brother to--to her, can you?
Mimi: Seems someone forgot how, the last time Shuu was here, he stuffed your head in one of the toilets.
Jyou: Let the harpy have him.
Mimi: Good. Now, Yamato, do you think you can tie up Jun and get her in the center of the main road? Shuu should show up just in time to save her from a speeding carriage. She�ll be so impressed that she�ll forget all about you.
Yamato: Piece of cake. But what if Shuu doesn�t save her?
Mimi: (Shrugging) She�ll be trampled to death by a speeding carriage.
Yamato: Even better! Then I can start after my darling Taichi!
Jyou: At last, peace and quiet.
Mimi: Then you have your orders. Dismissed! (She waves her hand loftily.)
Yamato: I�m not your servant, you know.
Mimi: Who�s queen here, me or you? I could have you hung from that tree outside with pink ribbon if you bother me. Get out of here and take care of your wife.
Yamato: Ex-wife. She�s my ex-wife.
Jyou: You know, I�ve been wondering something. Why did you marry her in the first place? I thought you were gay.
Yamato: Under the influence of alcohol, she looked surprisingly like Taichi. I think it�s the hair.
Mimi: Thank goodness some of us aren�t slowly being devoured by our own hairstyles.
Jyou: No comment.
(The curtain closes and Takeru, Iori, and the Digimon step forward again. There are chocolate stains around Patamon�s and Armadimon�s mouths.)
Armadimon: Aw, no more chocolate?
Patamon: Could be worse. We could be in Chibimon�s position. (They both snicker.)
Takeru: Well, it looks like one problem is about to be solved.
Iori: And another problem has a solution in the works, as you will see...
(They step back and the curtain opens again to reveal Ken, Taichi, Hawkmon and Wormmon, still tied up behind a rock. The girls and Plotmon are nowhere to be seen, nor are their captors in attendance.)
Taichi: So, had any ideas yet, fearless leader?
Ken: I recognize sarcasm when I hear it, you know.
Wormmon: Even if we get untied, Sora, Koushiro and Piyomon are holding the girls near the end of the pass. We�ll never save them and escape the pass.
Hawkmon: Not unless we distract them somehow.
Ken: That�s it! I have an idea.
Taichi: �Bout time.
Ken: But you�re not going to like it.
Taichi: Does it get us out of here?
Ken: Yes.
Taichi: Then I�ll like it.
Ken: No. You won�t. It�s my plan, trust me on this.
Hawkmon: Is it a good plan, at least?
Ken: It should work. First, we need to get untied. (He flicks his wrist and his ropes fall to the ground.)
Taichi: Hey, how�d you do that?
Ken: I�ve had practice.
Taichi: Hoo boy.
Ken: Hmm. This outfit won�t do. I believe a change of wardrobe is required. (He does a super fast spin and is suddenly in his Kaiser clothes.)
Wormmon: Wow, that was fast.
Hawkmon: How did you...?
Ken: (Shrugging) Practice.
Taichi: You just get more and more disturbing, you know that don�t you?
Ken: Hmmph. Don�t think I don�t know what you and Yamato do together. Now, be nice to me or maybe I�ll just leave you to Koushiro�s mercy.
Taichi: You wouldn�t.
Wormmon: I wouldn�t push him. The dominant look always goes to his head.
Ken: Now, are you ready to hear my plan or not?
Hawkmon: Why not? We have nothing better do.
Ken: All right then. Listen closely... (He leans over and explains in a whisper. When he�s done, Taichi and Hawkmon both look shocked.)
Taichi: Oh no. No way. I am not doing that.
Hawkmon: Me neither.
Ken: (Shrugging) Pity. It seems that Wormmon and I will be going to rescue Daisuke alone, then. Be sure to invite me to the wedding.
Taichi: All right, all right. But that doesn�t mean I have to like it.
Ken: I didn�t say you had to like it. (He unties Taichi then turns to untie Hawkmon and Wormmon. He glances back at Taichi.) I think this would work best if you took off your shirt.
Taichi: What?! No. If I have to follow this screwy plan, I am doing it with my shirt on, thank you very much.
Ken: Take it off or I�ll do it for you.
Taichi: I don�t see you taking off your shirt.
Ken: I don�t need to. I have spandex.
Taichi: What all the strippers are wearing.
Ken: Do you want me to tie you up again?