ACT THREE PART TWO
(The scene switches to Sora, Koushiro and Piyomon, sitting around a fire roasting marshmallows. Koushiro has out his pineapple laptop and is typing away. Miyako, Hikari and Plotmon are tied up nearby.)
Sora: Ah, there�s nothing like a good S�more after a hard day of being evil.
Koushiro: Die, bug-eyed aliens from Mars! Die, I say!
Piyomon: I thought you said I could play next game.
Koushiro: I lied. My laptop, my rules. Now die, alienoid scum!
(A wind blows by and suddenly the fire goes out. The pass is filled with moonlight. Ken�s voice is heard from nearby.)
Ken: Attention, my dear fiancees. We have prepared a special pre-wedding gift for you. I hope you find it....to your liking.
Sora: (Jumping up) What? Have they escaped?
Koushiro: They�d never get past us, even if they did. Now, where could they be hiding?
Ken: (Still out of sight) Unh-uh. It�s not nice to peek at your surprise. (He purrs seductively.)
Sora: This is starting to sound like a very good surprise. Perhaps they�ve finally realized that struggling is futile.
Koushiro: So what should we do?
Sora: I say, sit back and enjoy the show.
Miyako: This should be interesting.
(Music starts to play as Ken slinks out from the woods. He is looking quite delish in his Kaiser outfit. As he sings, he moves towards Sora.)
Ken: I'm tired...
I'm thirsty...
I'm wild-eyed...
In my misery...
(Ken waves a hand and Taichi comes out from the opposite side of the pass. He is shirtless and not looking very happy. He makes his way towards Koushiro.)
Taichi: Timeless...
In your finery.. hey, hey...
(Hawkmon comes out last, looking faintly ill as he moves towards Piyomon.)
Hawkmon: It's a high price...
For your luxury... yeah, yeah..
Taichi: (To Koushiro) Hacker...
Who is the master...
Ken: Man and mon on a star stream...
In the middle of a wet dream...
(The three dance and Taichi pulls Ken aside)
Taichi: (Whispering) I thought the line was �snow dream?�
Ken: (Shrugging) Slip of the tongue. Less talk, more singing. We�re trying to seduce them, remember?
Taichi: I am so going to kill you when this is over.
(They separate and continue the dance. Wormmon sneaks out unnoticed and starts untying Miyako, Hikari, and Plotmon.)
Hawkmon: (To Piyomon) Digimon...
Show me the high life...
Come over...
Let me put you on ice...
Ken: (Twirling around Sora) All around...
Black ink darkness...
And who found
The lady from the mountains...
(The others copy Ken�s example and spin around their respective �fiancees�, who stand and follow them to the center of the pass.)
All three: All around...
Black ink darkness...
And who found...
The lady from the mountains...
Ken: (Running his whip under Sora�s chin) Lady from the mountains...
(Sora giggles and blushes girlishly.)
Taichi: I'm tired...
I need you badly...
I'm wild-eyed...
In my misery... yeah yeah...
(There is more spinning and Taichi pulls Ken aside again.)
Taichi: Why did I have to sing that line?
Ken: Because I said so. Now shut up and slink.
Taichi: The things I do for my goggles.
Hawkmon: Timeless...
In your finery...
It's a high price...
For your luxury...
Taichi: Hacker...
Who is the master...
Man and woman on a star stream...
In the middle of a snow dream...
Ken: (To Sora) Tomboy...
Show me the high life...
Come over...
Let me put you on ice...
All three: All around...
Black ink darkness...
Who found...
The lady from the mountain...
(Taichi and Hawkmon step aside and let Ken lead. He moves around Sora, Piyomon, and Koushiro. The three stare, entranced, and don�t even notice that he�s wrapping his whip around them as he sings.)
Ken: All around...
Black ink darkness...
Who found...
The lady from the mountain...
The lady from the mountain...
(Sora, Koushiro and Piyomon are almost completely tied up now, but they�re too busy paying attention to Ken to notice.)
Ken: I'm tired
Thirsty...
Wild eyed...
In my misery...
Tired...
Thirsty...
Wild eyed...
In my misery...
In my misery...
My misery...
(Ken flicks his wrist and suddenly the music stops. The three captors snap out of their daze and suddenly discover that Ken has them tied up in his whip.)
Sora: It was all a trick!
Ken: (Preening) What did you expect? I told you, I don�t like girls.
(Taichi and Hawkmon walk over to join him, and Miyako, Hikari, Plotmon and Wormmon walk over from the other side of the pass. Hikari is holding her camera and she and Miyako look very pleased for some reason. Taichi is trying to get his shirt back on.)
Hawkmon: Well, it worked. I think I�m going to throw up, but it worked.
Taichi: Next time we have to seduce someone, you take off your shirt, okay?
Hikari: I thought it was a pretty good dance, personally.
Taichi: Why didn�t you guys get to safety once Wormmon untied you? We told him to get you out of there.
Miyako: And miss a prime blackmail opportunity?
Hikari: (Dangling her camera) I got every shirtless second.
Taichi: (Making a grab for the camera) Give me that! (Hikari pulls it out of the way.)
Hikari: No touching! (She and Miyako start giggling. Taichi looks annoyed.)
Taichi: Next time, I get to make the plans. I think Ken graduated from the Daisuke School of Dumb Planning.
Ken: My plan was not dumb! And it worked, so why are you complaining?
Plotmon: Well, I�m kinda impressed, myself. I mean, Ken actually put his Daisuke whip to good use.
Ken: Who says that was my Daisuke whip? (He pulls another whip off his belt.) This is my Daisuke whip. That was my spare. I have plenty, after all. You never know when you might need more than one.
Hawkmon: I think I see where he got his plan from.
Ken: Can we stop complaining about my plan and get going? We have a prince to rescue, remember?
Hikari: (Giggling) I almost forgot in the haze of shirtlessness.
Taichi: I am never agreeing to one of your plans ever again, do you hear me?
Ken: Hmmph. Come on. (They walk off, leaving Sora, Koushiro and Piyomon tied up behind them.)
Koushiro: Hey! Are you just going to leave us like this?
Piyomon: So now what? We�re stuck.
Koushiro: So much for marrying Taichi.
Sora: You know, Koushiro, you really are kinda cute...
Koushiro: No! Not again! Go away!
Sora: And we are tied up...
Koushiro: Aah! Get me out of here! Somebody!
(Elsewhere, on the road leading to the castle, Jun is tied up in the middle of the road. Mimi, Jyou, and Yamato are hiding in the bushes, snickering madly.)
Jun: Yamato! Yamato, where did you go? It�s not nice to play games, Yamato!
Jyou: There�s Shuu coming up the road.
Mimi: And there�s the speeding carriage, right on schedule.
Yamato: (Under his breath) C�mon, c�mon, squish her! Squish her good!
(The speeding carriage comes racing towards Jun, who sees it and yawns.)
Jun: This again? You�ve already tried the speeding carriage, Yamato, remember? I forgave you.
Yamato: Squish her! Do it! Go carriage!
Jun: Yamato, stop being so difficult! Don�t you think trying to squash me with a speeding carriage is just a little immature?
Jyou: Shuu better hurry and rescue her before she really does get run over.
Yamato: (Crossing his fingers) Squish, squish, squish! Pavement pizza! Come on, let�s go!
(Shuu suddenly catches sight of Jun. He runs towards her, then heroically dives in front of the speeding carriage, pulling Jun to the other side of the road. They both end up safely on the other side.)
Mimi: Wow. How Batman of him.
Shuu: (Untying Jun) Are you okay, miss?
Jun: I...I....
Shuu: Is something wrong?: Are you hurt?
Jun: My hero! (She throws her arms around him.)
Bang the drums, sing out the news
I�ve found the man of my dreams
Send up a smoke signal, ring all the bells
I�ve found a man who�s all he seems.
He�s brave, he�s strong, he�s genius, too,
He�s hot, he�s wonderful, he�s fearless
He�s lovely and perfect and great
When it comes to heroes, he�s peerless.
Shuu: Um, ma�am, not to interrupt you or anything, but we really don�t know enough about each other for you to be singing about me.
Jun: He�s so modest and kind
He�s a real life saint
He�s a hunk, he�s a star
I think I may faint
He�s perfect for me
I�ll never let him go,
Because he�s perfect in every way
And he�s a true hero!
We will be wed and I will be happy
I�ll live forever in true wedded bliss
No longer will I live alone,
Soon I�ll be Mrs., not Ms.
I�ve never met a man so grand
Even if his hair isn�t blond
He�s got eyes I could get lost in
Of him I�m now quite fond.
I love him, I love him,
He was made to be mine
He�s just completely flawless
Among all men he will shine.
He�s not too tall and not short
Not too thin but not too fat,
Not too weak and oh so strong
And he�s even more pretty than Matt!
Yamato: (Jumping to his feet) WHA-- (Mimi and Jyou wrap their hands around his mouth and pull him back into the bushes.)
Shuu: Well, that�s a very flattering thing for you to say, but, well, we did just meet. And I really must be going, so--
Jun: You can�t go! Can�t you see we were made for each other, darling?
Shuu: I take umbrage at that. Now, I really must be going--
Jun: No! Take me with you! I�ll never let you go, now that I�ve found you!
Shuu: Listen, lady, I�ve had enough. I�m leaving, okay?
Jun: Not without me, you�re not! (She stands up and suddenly picks Shuu up, throwing him over her shoulder.)
Yamato: (Grumbling) Always knew she was a steroid pusher.
Jun: Now, darling, we must make plans for the wedding. (She skips off, dragging a protesting Shuu along with her.)
Shuu: N-no, wait a second--
Jun: We�ll have a mile high cake, maybe some swan ice sculptures--
Shuu: Help! Somebody help!!!
(Once the �happy couple� are out of sight, Yamato, Mimi, and Jyou emerge from the bushes.)
Jyou: That�ll teach him to stick my head in a toilet.
Mimi: I told you this would work. We�ve gotten rid of her for good this time.
Yamato: Then it is time for me to go after my Taichi! (He pulls a big black makeup bag out of the bushes.) I have enough skin creme, gel, moisturizer, and conditioner to last me two weeks. I�m ready!
Jyou: Uh...good luck?
Mimi: If you see Daisuke, tell him that he really should bring a change of clothes the next time he gets kidnapped.
Yamato: I�m off to find my Taichi! (He heads off down the road, happily swinging his makeup bag.)
(Elsewhere, Ken and company have just entered a thick green forest. Ken is back in his normal clothes but still has his whip; he and Wormmon are in the lead, along with Plotmon. Hikari and Miyako are walking behind him, snuggling, with Hawkmon near them. Taichi is bringing up the rear, grumbling to himself.)
Taichi: �Work better shirtless,� my ass!
Ken: Let it go, already! It�s not like I made you strip or anything!
Taichi: I don�t care. How come nobody else had to take off their shirt, huh?
Ken: I was wearing a spandex body suit, I didn�t have a shirt! If I had, I would�ve taken it off.
Taichi: What about Hawkmon?
Hawkmon: Um....I don�t wear clothes, remember?
Taichi: (Miffed) Streaker.
Plotmon: (Rolling her eyes) Oy vey.
Ken: Are you going to sulk for the rest of the trip?
Taichi: Are you going to continue to inform us of the disgusting parts of your love life?
Miyako: I�d say yes to both questions.
Hikari: Look on the bright side, Taichi. Yamato will love the pictures I�ve got.
Miyako: And we�ll love the money he�ll pay us to get them.
Wormmon: Did you guys hear something?
Ken: It�s hard to hear anything over Taichi�s sulking.
Taichi: I am not sulking.
Ken: Are so.
Taichi: Are not.
Ken: Are--never mind. I�m not going to argue like a three year-old.
Taichi: Oh, I�m a three year-old now, am I?
Ken: Do you want to save your goggles or not? (Taichi just keeps pouting.) Hmmph. Well, at least one of us can be mature.
Taichi: Says the guy who likes to play dress up on a regular basis.
Ken: My spandex outfit is not dress up. It�s an important aspect of my personality, thank you very much.
Taichi: One of your personalities is a dominatrix?
Wormmon: Um, Ken-chan I--
Ken: Not now, Wormmon. Taichi and I are about to have a fight.
Hikari: Again?
Ken: He just can�t accept that I get to be the leader this time.
Taichi: You�re not much of a leader. �Take your shirt off,� indeed!
Ken: That plan worked! Get over it!
Wormmon: Uh, excuse me--
Ken & Taichi: (Rounding on him) What?!
(Wormmon points upwards with one cute li�l pod.)
Wormmon: (Calmly) Ambush.
(The group is suddenly surrounded by the international Digidestined, all clad in green. They all hold spears or bows and arrows, and all their weapons are trained on Ken and co.)
Ken: Why is it always us?
(A few of their new captors move aside as a blond boy makes his way through the ranks to face them.)
Wallace: You seven are trespassers in the forest of Robin Michael. I am Little Wallace, second in command, and this is our band of Merry Men.
Catherine: Merry people!
Wallace: Excuse me, I forgot. We�re politically correct now. Anyway, all trespassers must be brought to our leader.
Ken: There must be some mistake. We were just passing through on the way to save my kidnapped husband, you see--
Wallace: That�s what they all say. I don�t care how you got here or what you want. You�re trespassers, and all trespassers must be brought before our leader. (He turns to a few of his followers.) Tie them up!
Ken: (As his hands are tied behind his back) I haven�t been tied up this often in one day since my honeymoon.
Taichi: So, got any more plans? Maybe you should take off your shirt to distract them.
Ken: (With an evil-like Kaiser smile) Wouldn�t dream of it. You said that you got to make the next plan, remember?
Taichi: I was being sarcastic!
Miyako: Well, someone better make up a plan. These ropes are starting to chafe my wrists.
Hikari: (Innocently) Want me to kiss it and make it better?
Ken: At this rate, I�ll be fifty by the time I save Daisuke. (Sighs) All is not going according to plan...
Taichi: Did that plan involve taking your shirt off?
Ken: Oh shut up.
END OF ACT THREE