ACT TWO PART TWO
Disclaimer: Everybody sing it! Lalala nothin's mine.
Author's Note: It's alive! Aliiiive! Anyhoo, figured I'd post this while I was updating everything else. Two birds with one stone and all that. I'll try to be more regular in these updates, but school is making that difficult. Anyway, R/R.
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(Takeru and Iori step out again, with Armadimon and Patamon. The Digimon have had glitter sprinkled over them to make them look more fairy-ish.)
Takeru: As you can see, the rescue party is in need of some rescuing themselves. And they aren�t the only ones...
(The curtain opens to reveal Yamato slinking through the halls of the palace. He is holding his precious mirror in one hand, and his hair is somewhat mussed.)
Yamato: She just won�t quit! (He touches his hair mournfully) I think I�m getting split ends...
Jun: (Offstage) Yamato dear!
Yamato: AAAAAH! (He dives behind a potted plant as Jun comes skipping down the hall.)
Jun: Now where could he be? If I didn�t know better, I�d say he was avoiding me.
(She looks around and comes very close to Yamato�s hiding place before shrugging and walking off down the hall.)
Jun: Oh Yamato!
(Once she is out of sight, Yamato exits his hiding place, shaking.)
Yamato: I can�t take much more of this. At this rate, my beautiful hair will turn unsightly and gray! I�ll get wrinkles! I--I might even lose my natural beauty! She must be stopped!
I�m sure that there must be a way
To rid oneself of her
To make her leave me alone
And realize that I don�t love her
To give me freedom to find my Taichi
I�m sure that there must be
At least fifty ways to kill your lover.
You could hit her, you could stab her
Maybe feed her cyanide
Beat her, hang her, maim her too
Release the bees and baste honey on her side
Use an uzi, use a pocket knife
Implode her, explode her
Tie her to the railroad tracks
Throw her in the river
I�m sure that these are only some
Of the fifty ways to kill your lover.
Feed her to some hungry lions
Send her over a waterfall
Make her swim in the sea with sharks
Toss her over the castle wall
Light her ablaze, chop off her head
Throw her out of a plane
Toss her in the deepest ocean
While she�s tied with chains.
Pull out some explosives
Send her rafting without a raft
Squash her tiny, stretch her large
And these are only half
Of the fifty ways to kill your lover.
Send her running off a cliff
Or drop an anvil on her head
Put poison in her cookies
And knives inside her bed.
Either way, the end�s the same
Either way I win
Drop forty Bibles on her head
It can�t possibly be a sin
Throw her through a mirror
Bash her in a wall
Cover her with maple syrup
And leave her outside till fall.
Use poison darts, tear out her heart
Dangle a piano above her
And everyone knows that these are just
Some of the fifty ways to kill your lover!
(No sooner has Yamato finished singing than Jun rounds the corner.)
Jun: I knew that was you I heard darling! (She runs over at top speed and glomps him.)
Yamato: Augh! Get her off me, get her off me! (He runs around like a crazed lunatic, dragging Jun with him. Jyou and Mimi appear at one end of the hall, watching the display with interest.)
Jyou: He�s starting to make me feel dizzy.
Mimi: Well, he�s got to get tired sometime, right?
Jyou: This can�t go on. He�s going to break something or put an eye out and I don�t want to have to deal with all that blood on the carpet when it happens.
Mimi: Don�t worry. I think I have a plan that will get rid of Jun. Then Yamato will be free to go after Taichi and the others, and I�ll finally have some peace and quiet so I can do important things, like dig through my mail order shopping catalogues.
Jyou: Uh oh. That glint in your eye can�t be good.
Mimi: Don�t be so nervous. I�m the Queen; all my plans are good. Now, follow me.
Jyou: (Sighs) Yes, dear.
(Meanwhile, back in Oikawa�s dungeon, Daisuke and Chibimon are bored and hungry.)
Chibimon: Do you think the bars are edible?
Daisuke: Eh...probably not.
Chibimon: Pooh. Oh, lookie, a rat! I�m going to catch it and eat it!
Daisuke: Ew, that�s disgusting! You�re going to eat a rat?
Chibimon: (Nodding) Yup. Do think it would taste best in a white wine sauce, maybe with a nice Chianti?
Daisuke: Where are you going to get white wine sauce in a dungeon?
Chibimon: Um....room service?
Daisuke: We�re prisoners; we don�t get room service!
Chibimon: Why not?
Daisuke: Well, it wouldn�t be much of a dungeon then, would it?
Chibimon: (Whining) But I�m so hungry!
Daisuke: Sorry, pal, but there�s nothing I can do about that....Hey! Stop looking at my fingers like that!
Chibimon: But they look so good... (He pounces and manages to get a taste of Daisuke�s fingers.)
Daisuke: Ouch! You bit me!
Chibimon: It was a moment of weakness. �M sorry.
Daisuke: You had better be. How would you like it if I tried to eat you?
Chibimon: Ooh, there�s a good idea! (He begins chewing on his tail.)
Daisuke: We are so not going to get out of here alive....
(Back in the narrow pass perfect for an ambush, the brave rescuers find themselves tied up and facing a very angry Sora, Koushiro and Piyomon.)
Ken: This feels very familiar...
Hikari: I am learning so much more about you than I ever wanted to know.
Koushiro: Well, Taichi, see how the tables have turned? You left me all alone without even a word, and now I have you at my mercy.
Taichi: I don�t suppose you plan on leaving me alone, do you?
Koushiro: Nope. Now that I have you, I�m never letting you go again.
Taichi: But Koushiro, I�m married now! And I�m on a very important mission to rescue my goggles---I mean, the prince. Yeah, that�s right, the prince.
Koushiro: Do you think I care? You broke my heart, Taichi, but now you will be mine....forever! The wedding will commence in two days.
Taichi: But I can�t marry you! It�s....uh, it�s...
Ken: (Helpfully) Bigamy.
Taichi: Yeah, what he said.
Koushiro: I�m evil, do you think I care?
Miyako: He�s got you there.
Taichi: Koushiro, I�m sure you�ll find someone else. Maybe even a nice clone of me. I know there are some out there, just look at Prince Daisuke!
Ken: Hey! My Daisuke is not a clone of you! He�s so much.....cuter, and sweeter, and-- and--
Hikari: Dumber?
Ken: Are you insulting my husband?
Sora: Don�t worry about him, my dear CinderKen. After all, you�ll soon have someone new....namely, me.
Ken: Excuse me?
Sora: You can�t expect a girl to spend her life alone, can you? And if Koushiro�s marrying Taichi, then you�re the only eligible male left!
Ken: But I�m already married!
Sora: Like Koushiro said, I�m evil. I don�t care. You will be my husband.
Ken: But--but we�re related, for heaven�s sake! You�re my stepsister!
Sora: Technically step-niece. Besides, we�re not blood relatives, so it doesn�t matter. And as your husband is currently imprisoned by an evil tyrant, I don�t see any reason why we can�t get married.
Ken: You do remember that I�m gay, right?
Sora: You�ll get over it.
Ken: (Sweatdropping) It�s not exactly the chicken pox, you know.
Sora: Silence! You�re marrying me, and that�s that!
Hawkmon: (To Plotmon and Wormmon) At least we don�t have to worry about that sort of thing.
Piyomon: Actually, you�ll be marrying me.
Hawkmon: WHAT?!
Piyomon: Allow me to explain. I�m a bird, you�re a bird. We�re compatible. And I can�t let my humans marry and leave me a spinster, can I?
Hawkmon: Then--then marry Wormmon!
Wormmon: Hey!
Piyomon: (Shaking her head) Can�t. Worm, bird, you understand. He can be our wedding cake, though.
Wormmon: Eep! Ken-chan! They�re going to eat me!
Hawkmon: Not if I can help it.
Piyomon: Get used to it. You�re marrying me and that�s final.
Hawkmon: How about Plotmon? You could marry Plotmon.
Plotmon: We�re both girls, idiot.
Hawkmon: That didn�t stop Miyako and Hikari.
Plotmon: Good point. But I don�t swing that way. Not with a pink bird anyway.
Piyomon: Don�t worry, darling. I�m sure you�ll make a great father. Now, I�m a working girl, so you can stay at home with all our little Hawkmons.
Hawkmon: Save me.
Taichi: Only if you save me first.
Ken: I think I�m in need of more saving than you two.
Sora: You�ll get used to it, CinderKen sweetie.
Ken: Two things. One, don�t call me CinderKen. Two, I am not, nor will I ever be, in love with you. And I refuse to marry you!
Sora: You�ve never been with a woman, have you?
Ken: No, and I�d like to keep it that way.
Sora: Don�t be so close-minded. (She moves in closer to him and Ken tries to wiggle away.)
Ken: Get back, you weirdo! I have a right to my sexual preference! Back, I say!
Sora: (Sniffing and moving away) You have two days to warm up to the idea of being my slave--I mean, husband. Get used to it.
Koushiro: The same goes for you, Taichi dear.
Piyomon: And you, Hawkmon.
Sora: Come on. We�ll go contact King Oikawa and then prepare for our wedding!
Koushiro: Wait! We forgot the maniacal laughter.
Sora: Oops, my bad. (The three villains walk off laughing maniacally.)
Miyako: They should tune down the laughter. I hear it�s really bad for your throat.
Hikari: What are we going to do? We can�t rescue the prince if we�re tied up like this!
Taichi: And I don�t really want to marry Koushiro. He�s cute and all, but, well.... Yamato�s pretty. I mean, really pretty. And I really do prefer blondes.
Ken: At least you don�t have to marry that....that cow.
Sora: (From offstage) I heard that! You aren�t earning any bedroom points, bub!
Ken: Kill me. Please.
Miyako: Maybe it won�t be that bad.
Ken: (Whining) But I don�t even like girls! And if I have to marry her, how am I going to rescue my Daisuke? (His eyes narrow thoughtfully.) We have to get out of here.
Taichi: That�s not as easy as it sounds. We�re tied up, and I�m sure Sora and Koushiro are guarding the way out of the pass just to keep us from escaping. There�s no way out.
Ken: There must be. I�m not letting Daisuke rot in Oikawa�s dungeon while I end up chained to Sora�s bed! Not that I have anything against the chains, it�s just I prefer Daisuke being the one with the keys, if you know what I mean.
Miyako: May I just take a moment to say what an enlightening trip this is becoming?
Ken: Shut up. I need to think of a plan. (He glances up at the sky) I�m going to get out of here and save Daisuke. No matter what!
Taichi: That doesn�t bode well for the rest of us, does it?
Hikari: Nope.
END OF ACT TWO
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Songs that aren't mine are...none in this part, actually. The only song I wrote (and made the mistake of reading it aloud for my mom, who thinks I'm weird now. Well, weirder than she originally thought. I swear, she has no idea how weird I really am. That's why I try not to mention my fanfics with the slash pairings and all.) Um...that's all for now, folks! Act Three will find its way around eventually.