03/01/05

Well, the unthinkable happened on the way home from the night club Sunday night. (^^) Alex, a guy who I have liked for a good while now, kissed me. Yes! I am so happy! XD I never thought he would be interested in me. But boy am I glad I was wrong. (^^' Anywayz...

Sunday night, from 4-8, the Jazz Band performed at the Arch Social Club in Baltimore. It was a lot of fun and I would love to do it again. XD Anywayz... They had set aside a room for us to hang out in and such, but it was cold, so he lent me his coat. When the smoke really started to bother me, he was concerned about me and he even had me sit down and drink something. He also reminded me that I could retreat upstairs if if the smoke got to me too much. Also, when we left he waited for me before we got on the bus. When we got on, he took off his cook, gave it to me, and then put him arm around me. And it all just kept going from there. He's really sweet.

I'm just so happy about it. I felt so relaxed with him and I held nothing from him. That has never happened to me before. I'm always so shy around the guys I like, but not with Alex. There's just something about him that allows me to be myself. I usually get really really shy around any guy who I might have even the slightest bit of feelings for, and I end up holding back everything from them. But with Alex, it's different. I can act the way I do around my friends. Its very different from what I'm used to, that's for sure. (^^;

Well, I feel like I'm repeating myself and I need to go get ready for tomorrow. Until next time... Later Days! (^^)/

*~*Erin*~*

P.S. I am really nervous about my audition for Towson. It is only a week and a half away, on March 12th. I have to have all of my major scales memorized (two octaves), my chromatic scale (three octaves which I have never done before),a performance piece (La Flute De Pan by Jules Mouquet), and two contrasting etudes (both of which I have down, though not performable just yet. (^^;;). I am so not ready, but I can only practice so much, and my parents keep going after me about practicing. URGH!! They don't even know how much I practice! It's so annoying. Ah well. I gotta go. Nighty night! (^^)/

Music: D.N.Angel (Daisuke's & Dark's themes)
Mood: Really really happy; A little PMS-y [But I'm working on it (^^;]; Annoyed with parents (^^;;

02/21/05

URGH!!! I have so had it with Jesse! He got me all worried tonight. He hasn't slept or eated for a good while now. And his excuse? He wants Alex to take notice of him. Well, gee, if she wasn't taking notice of him, then she wouldn't be going out with him, now would she? I've just had it. I'm sick of the only thing that matters to him is her. He could seriously care less about how I feel about anything, including his health. I wish he would take notice of me for once and actually care about what I had to say about something besides his art and music. I wish that I would actually mean something to him, just like he means something to me. I care so much about him, that it kills me whenever he comes up with one of his crazy ideas to beg for Alex's attention.

"AntiFreke: a simple gesture of love that is needed between two individuals. i refuse to have our relationship screwed up like everyone elses. if she wont talk to me about stuff,and she wont acknowledge that im around, then things need to be done to grab it the hard way. im willing to do it to myself becuase i care for her"

What kind of crap is that!? "I refuse to have our relstionship screwed up like everyone elses." Well, Jesse. You've managed to do that alreay! You've managed to make it so screwed up that it isn't like anyone elses! If you don't want ti screwed up, then don't pull off the crap that you do. It's as simlpe as that. If you want to fix things, then talk about it. Relationships are all about communication. If the two of you can't talk to one another, then the reltionship is pretty much non-existant. If you really want to try and fix things, then insist on talking to her about it until she does. But don't try to pull off these stupid stunts. If anything, it's only going to annoyer her to the point that she won't want to be with you anymore, because you'll become to "high maintenance". I'm sorry, but you are the biggest idiot I have ever come across. And it bugs the heck out of me. You are so smart, and yet, you are always doing stupid things. It just doesn't make any sense. And don't tell me that love is to blame. I am just so sick of it. You need to start taking care of yourself before I get so fed up with trying to save you that I'll give up. I can't even put into words how I feel about this. I can't. I can't even begin to explain just how frsutrated, annoyed, and hurt I am by all of his shenanigans! GRRRRRRR!!!!! \(>o<)/

02/21/05 | Deep Thoughts

Well, I wonder if maybe today was one of those days where I was meant to have some conversations that would cause me to really think about myself and grow a little more.

I was supposed to leave for borders at 2 this afternoon so I could get the 'American Idiot' album and buy my mom a new 'Wicked' soundtrack since I lost the case for it and such. (^^; I was even thinking of getting another Rossini cd. Anywayz.... it didn't happen. My mom isn't feeling well and she can't stay awake. So I've been talking to a few people online, instead. I've realized that I have a lot to learn about my friends. I don't really know as much as I like to think I do about them.

I also realized that my friends don't know as much about me as they say they do. I realized that I've been hiding behind a wall, in hopes of protecting the world from myself. I was talking to Kniffin at Isaac's party on Saturday, and he was saying that he could never imagine me being mean, except with Jeremy. And he's not the only one who has said that to me. But it got me thinking. I've always thought that I held back to protect myself from others, but really, it's the other way around. My biggest fear isn't being hurt, but that I will hurt my friends. I always hold back my true feelings and thoughts. When they ask me for an opinion on things that they've worked on, I try to be soft to the point that I might as well be lying. I try to protect everyone, almost to the point that I might as well be smothering them with my own hand. I know people look up to me and admire my willingess to help and protect others, but at the same time, I wonder if maybe it's as admirable as people make it out to be. My friend Matt had me listen to a song once. It's called "Let Me Be Your Armor" by Assemblage 23.

Let me take the fall
Let me take the blame
Let me carry you from hell
To home again.

Let me walk for you
When your legs are weak
Let me find the words for you
When you can't speak

Let me be your armour
Let me be your shield
Let me take away the pain you feel (your armour)
Let me be the light
That guides your way through darkest night
Let me be your armour.

Let me take the blows
That were meant for you
Let me help you with the trials
You're going through

Let me keep you safe
From the world outside
Let me wipe away the tears
That fill your eyes

Let me be your armour
Let me be your shield
Let me take away the pain you feel (your armour)
Let me be the light
That guides your way through darkest night
Let me be your armour.

Let me keep you from
Experience you need
Let me bind you with my selfishness
And greed

Let me stifle you
Let me have control
Let me smother
Every aspect of your soul

Let me be your armour
Let me be your shield
Let me take away the pain you feel (your armour)
Let me be the light
That guides your way through darkest night

Let me be your armour.

That song really got me thinking. Maybe I am protecting some people so much that they aren't learning for themselves. Maybe they ere meant to have these things happen to them, to help make them stronger. It's like that saying, "give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime." I don't know. I'm still wondering about this. I think there are fine lines between helping, protecting, and smothering. I just need to find those lines. I'm not sure if I've crossed into smothering or not, but I often feel like I am. Maybe that is what is wrong with me. I try too hard to do the right thing. I don't know. But if it seems like I am holding back from helping someone, thats probably the reason why. (^^;; Well, I guess that's it for now. Till next time... Later days! (^^)/

*~Erin~*

Music:Weezer and even more Green Day. (^^;;
Mood: Unsure and deep in thought

02/17/05 | Blah (-_-; ...

Just some wallapaers I made out of boredom. Anyway...

I should have mentioned Jeremy to Mr. Butts today and kicked him out of the section, but I am so out of it today that the words just couldn't find their way beyond the borders of my brain. (-_-;; I really wish I did, though. I'm not trying to add drama or anything. It's just that I have had it with him and his "excuses". He can't play the music, and he'll come up with any excuse for not going to practice. I appologize if I am not helping to improve the overall mood of the band.

Ever since Orchestra class yesterday, I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. I didn't even want to go to practice today. I hated being there. I don't enjoy it anymore. So I'm glad Matt and Joey had that talk with the band. It needed to be done.

I wonder if I am suffering from "senior-idus". I don't want to do anything anymore and I just don't care, you know? I am so glad tomorrow is a friday, I really need a break from everything. Oh! And tomorrow is an A-day, so I have at least two periods to just veg-out and do whatever. Thank goodness. Anywayz...

I know it's old and all, but this song has been playing in my mind for awhile now, and I just wanted to share it with you.

"Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson I learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth
It was worth all the while

Music: "Time of Your Life (Good Ridance)" - Green Day (Nimrod)
Mood:really out of it.

02/14/05 | Happy V-Day!

Happy Valentine's Day! (^^)/

Well, I talked to Mike today. I'm glad that he isn't too uncomfortable around me to still hang out and have fun. I really do enjoy being around him, I'm just not comfortable with it being more than that. (^^;; Anywayz...

For some reason, today was really tiring. I feel pretty wiped out. Not sure why. I think it might have something to do with Play-A-Thon, Decorating Mr. Butts' office, and getting inbetween Jesse and David, though. (^^; Ah well. It's all good though.

Megan talked to me about trying to keep the class quiet. I'm glad she said something, because I was afraid that they might be ignoring me. And she didn't do it in front of everyone like Alex and Jesse did. That's what really pissed me off. They both did it duyring Play-A-Thon. They questioned my authority in front of everyone, which is something that they should never, especially since they are Band Leaders, and all it did was cause everyone else to lose respect for me and now they ignore me even more than they did before. So now, I'm going to try and keep my mouth shut and leave it up to all the other leaders to do their jobs. I just feel like I'm the only one doing anything anymore. Joey gets involved often enough, but he's pretty much the only one. Over all, the Band leaders aren't doing they're jobs anymore, and that just ticks me off so much.

I think I'm getting a weird variation of senior-idus. (^^;; I've realized that the closer graduation gets, the more antsy I get and the need to teach and take over gets stronger. I think that might have something to do with me getting involved in keeping people quiet. (^^; Anywayz... It's really weird. But, this does come with it's advantages. Like, in sectionals, we actually get stuff done, and I am even able to terach the band a few things as well, which is actually pretty cool. (^^) I am getting a lot better, so I think I actually stand a chance at being a Music teacher, now. (^^)

Well, I guess that's it for now. Sorry if you didn't get a valentine from me. I realized when I got to school that 36 boxes of candy hearts wasn't going to be enough for the main people I wanted to get stuff for. (^^; But ah well. I hope you don't mind too much. I tried. (^^;; If you didn't get one, I still love you, so I hope its all good. lol. Anywayz... I should shut up now before I make anymore of a fool of myself. (^^; Later days! (^^)/

*~Erin~*

Music: Green Day
Mood: Weird, happy, and kind of sad. Oh! And I can't forget embarassed. Yeah, definately embarassed. (^^;

02/12/05 | Play-A-Thon!

Well, Mike and I went to see Phantom of the Opera last night. The movie was great. I think they overplayed the theme a bit, but for the most part, I really enjoyed the movie. (^^) However, I wasn't exactly comfortable. I was so nervous that my body temperature dropped and I was cold throughout the entire movie. (^^; Which kind of leads me into the other thing.

Mike and I aren't together any more. This relatioship now holds my record for shortest length, lasting only four days. (^^;; But he understood, which makes me feel better. But I felt so bad about it that I was avoiding him all day today. And when I finally told him, I cried because I felt so guilty. We're still friends, though, which is good. (^^)

Today was Play-A-Thon. It was fun, but it was also really stressful and kind of tiring. (^^; Of course, the fact that I didn't fall asleep until some time after 1:30 in the morning probably didn't help. (^^; I think it would have been more fun if we had done a 14 hour schedule, though I would have really liked to have done another 24 hour Play-A-Thon. Those are the best! XD I miss those. (TT_TT) Ah well. It was still a good experience. The second flutes are going to pay for not being there, though. (<.<;;

Ah well, that's pretty much it for now. 'Til next time... Later days! (^^)/

*~Erin~*

Music: Green Day, but now with a few more songs. (^^)
Mood: tired, weird, relieved (a little).

Feb. 10, 2005

Alright, I am so sick of people asking me if Mike and I are together! I mean, it obvious enough for people to ask, why can't they just make the assumption? Whatever happened to the speed of rumors within the band? It's always been so fast that as soon as you get with someone, everyone knows, or someting of that sort. Urgh! It's so annoying. Anywayz...

About the whole Mike thing, I'm starting to have my doubts. (^^; I'm afraid I might have jumped into the relationship to quickly. (<.<;; Yeah, I'm not exactly happy about that. I mean, its weird, you know? Like, it feels right, but at the same time, it doesn't. And actually, I'm really embarrassed that I'm going out with a freshman. It's nothing against Mike. He's really sweet. Really, all of my doubts have to do with me, and it makes me feel dirty, you kow? Like I've done something really wrong. Anywayz... He and I are going out to see Phantom of the Opera tomorrow. Diana told me to at least wait until after our date before I make any sort of conclusions. Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much. I wouldn't be surprised. I do do that a lot. (^^; Anywayz... I guess I'll just have to wait and see. (^^;;

Sectionals today rocked! XD We actually got a lot done today! I don't think I have ever experienced a sectional as productive as today's. I'm so happy! XD I actually started to cry before I left the room, I was so happy. (^^;; You could tell that we had made some progress when the band got back together. Of course, they did forget a lot of the stuff I talked about, but at least they remembered some of it, that's all that matters. (^^;

Now, I will probably have to remind him about this, but Mr. Butts has agreed to let me run one of the band rehursals during Play-A-Thon on Saturday. I am so happy! I can't wait to work with the band as a whole! XD I mainly intend on working on playing together and the over-all sound of the band.

'Til next time... Later days! (^^)/

*~Erin~*

Music: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" and "American Idiot" by Green Day
Mood: Happy; quizzical; deffinately very iffy about a lot of things. That and I am really frustrated with myself. (-_-;

Feb. 9, 2005

Well, it's official. Mike and I are together. Yeah, it's weird. (^^; But he is the first guy to ever take the initiative to do something. It has always been me, so its really nice that he is willing to do that. (^^) Anywayz... He and I are going to see "Phantom of the Opera" at 7 Friday night. It'll be my first date. (^^;

Well, tomorrow is band practice. Hopefully the turnout for it will be better than the Orchestra's. Yeah, Mr. Butts chewed them out in class after that. (^^; Lukily I was out making copies of the chorales with Jessie and the music aide at the time, so I didn't have to hear it. (^^;

Play-A-Thon is Saturday. I keep forgetting to ask people who can bring what. (^^; I'm going to bring DDR and all of the multiplayer games that I own, plus a few movies. I am hoping someone can bring a PS2 and and a television. (^^;; I think I might be able to bring my PS2, but its doubtful. (^^;; Anywayz... I have to go. I've got Private flute lessons with Melinda tonight. 'Til next time... Later days! (^^)/

*~Erin~*

Music: Green Day
Mood: Happy and excited

02/04/05 | WARNING: Long Post

Sorry I didn't come back on Friday. (^^;; Anywayz... Friday was lots of fun. Me, Andrew, and Anna had a lot of interesting mini-conversations. It was pretty funny. And I loved how we broke into song with "Marche Slave" while we were waiting to get on stage and everyone stopped and watched. It was so great! XD

And on the way home... even though it tooks us probably 2-3 times as long to get home, I had a lot of fun. Joey thought he saw a convenience store over by the school, and he was really thirsty, so he decided he would make a short stop real quick before we left. Well, it turns out it was some gift store haveing something to do with kittens, so we just kept going....and going...and going. We made our way into Annapolis, drove through a lot of that. It was really a lot of fun though. Joey kept threatening to pull over and split Richard and I up, and some of the conversations we had were just hilarious and/or very interesting. It was great. (^^)

Saturday was the concert. I bought a cd for my friend Doug because he ask me to get him one since he really wanted to come, but couldn't because he had a camping trip with boy scouts that he couldn't get out of. I also ran into my flute teacher Melinda and told her about needing help with my audition piece for Towson and the requirements and such. I called her tonight about scheduling some lessons, but she wasn't home, which I wasn't surprised. So I left a message. But she's glad that I'm comming back to lessons, even if it's just for a short while. (^^)

I also saw Jenn at the grocery store yesterday. She had offered to give me lessons, but somehow, the whole communication proccess after Band Camp just didn't work, so it kind of never happened. Well, my mom a and I are now highly amused by the fact that we ran into the two people we had been trying to hunt down in the same weekend, one on each day. (^^;;

Anywayz... I think I may have an audition piece picked out. (^^) It's "La Flute de Pan" by Joule Mouquet. If any of you went to the BSO Side by Side performance, then you may recongnize it as the song Kelly Gallagher played for her Young Soloist piece. (^^) It was the last piece I was working on before I stopped taking lessons, and I had a pretty good handle on it. And since I still have it play in my head on occassions, I figured it was the right choice. Now I just have to double-check to make sure than it's fine according to the audition requirements. (^^; I really really really really really really hope that it will be okay. If not, than I am so screwed I don't even know what I would do. So I really hope it works out. (^^;;;

Well, in case you haven't heard, I have just recently (as of Thursday) been introduced to the band Green Day. I like them. I'm not really sure why, but theier music really seems to appeal to me. I've only heard two complete songs, both of which are on their "American Idiot" album, but eh, it's a whole new world for me. I mean, yeah, I like Sum 41, but they're really the only other Punk rock band I like. (^^; Anywayz... I SO want them to win all the grammy nominations they have right now. Especially the one for 'Best Album of the Year'. I mean, any song as spiffy as "American Idiot" that Bash's Bush and his Media monopoly is awesome! XD At least it is in my opinion, anywayz. (^^; Everyone's entitled. (^^;

Well, Mr. Love changed my schedule today. Which is good. Though I was kind of hoping that he wouldn't just so I could go into his office and cause a ruckus. Yeah, that would have been great. (^^; Anywayz... I got out of all of the classes I wanted to get out of, so I'm happy. (^^) I now have Webpage Design with Amy and Diana, Jazz Band, English with Jasmine, Nikki, and Frank, and Piano with Nikki and Ms. Haines. (^^) Though, now my A Days aren't spent just in the Band Hall anymore, which is kind of sad, but not a total loss. (^^; I got switched out of Piano 1st period for Theatre Arts with Mrs. Susek, so I can keep my promise to her. (^^;; But that's just in the auditorium. (^^;; But no more Physics! w00t! XD I am so happy about that! Oh man! It feels so great to be rid of a class that caused me nothing but confusion and stress and frustration. Yay! \(^^)/ *does victory dance*

Well, anywayz... I've noticed this post has gooten pretty long, so I'm going to let you guys go. lol (^^; 'TIl next time... Later days! (^^)/

*~Erin~*

P.S.- I think there may be someone I like. I'm not entirely sure just yet. I didn't have anything for him until today. But now we can have actual conversations since we got to know each other a little better since All-County Band. It's really weird though. I kind of feel awkward about it, but at the same time, it just seems so right. So I'm going to sit on this one for a bit before I decide if I'm going to do anything about it or not. (^^;;

P.S.P.S.- Melinda just called, and now I take lessons every Wednesday from 7-8! XD I am so happy and I feel so much better now that I don't have to worry about that anymore. (^^;

Music: Green Day, Porno Graffiti, DDR, Dir en Grey, and Ozzy Osbourne singing "Born to Be Wild" to Miss Piggy. Don't ask. It's a bit of a long story. (^^;;
Mood: A lot of mixed emotions, today. There's amused, happy, excited, upset, angry, and little bit of confused liking. (^^;

Feb. 2, 2005 | Ugh...

I really don't feel well right now. I really thought I was getting better. But now I have a fever, I am litterally burning up! I can't stop coughing and my throat feels raw and swollen. This really sucks. (TT_TT)

I went to Mr. Love's office today to pick up three forms to change the schedule. I needed one for me, one for Liam, and one for Joey. Well, Mr. love can go and do whatever the Hell he wants for all I care! As long as he stays far away from me. I am serious. That man was really rude to me, and for no reason! I didn't do a darn thing to make him think I was being rude or anything, and he just acted like I was offending him by just being there! URGH! He is SO lucky I didn't start cursing right there in front of him, I was that pissed. I was litterally struggling not to cuss or cry in front of him. Oh! I am so mad! \(>o<)/

I mean, in case it wasn't already enough that he went and royally screwed up my schedule, he had to go and question my integrity without even knowing anything about me. He didn't even know my name, and yet, he was sitting there telling me that I was lying about passing Keyboarding and not signing up for Psych of the Individual. He also was rude enough to say that Liam wouldn't need a schedule form, when he does and he doesn't even know who Liam is. All he knew was that he is my brother. URGH! I am so pissed!! (>.<) I swear, if my schedule isn't fixed in less than a week, there will be blood shed, and it won't be mine. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no face I can make with the keyboard that even remotely touches just how angry I am right now. No words to describe it... Except that the doors of Hell have be thrown wide open... maybe.... no...those aren't quite the words, either. Ah well. You get the idea. (^^;;;

Well, 'til next time, Later days! (^^)/

*~Erin~*

Music: "Early Bird" - Earth Girl Arjuna; "You Cant Stop the Beat" -
Hairspray (Broadway)
Mood: Pissed. Very very pissed. But pleased with the accomplishment of my new blog. (^^) And I feel like crap. (--;;

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