03/17/05
I know I am posting a lot today. Sorry about that. (^^;
URGH! I hate this! Just when things start looking up and the prospect of lasting happiness, whether long-lasting or short-lived, is in reach, everything falls apart. Jessica is pissed and now I feel guilty because I didn't invite her to Wheels, even though it isn't my place to invite her. She's really hurt, and I can't do anything to help her. My heart just cracked.
I am finally able to confess my feelings to someone, only to have those feelings held out in front of my face, never to really be acknowledged. The crack groes bigger.
Why can't things just work out for once?
03/17/05 | Adrenaline Rush!
OMG!!! I'm still shaking. I can't get over it. Mr. Butts had me improv for the first time in front of everyone during the Pep Rally. And it wasn't even one of our randomly played songs. No~, it was our featured song! My feelings about it are still a little mixed; I was caught of guard. But I did it, so I'm really proud of myself. (^^) It was fun, but really scary at the same time. (^^; Anywayz...
Well...I forgot what I was going to say. (^^;;; Ah well... Today was interesting. After school, when we finished moving everything back into the band room, Jesse picked me up and tried to put me in the trash can. Joey started helping him and then Adam suggested that they put me in the recycling bin instead. Grrr. The bin was against the wall, so I put my feet on the wall so they couldn't get me near it, but then Joey moved it to the middle of the hallway. Luckily, I was able to get my arms down in time to stop myself from falling in. It was so funny though. Jesse and I got into a sissy slap fight, too. That was fun. (^^) We both just kind of shut our eyes, looked away, and just kept slapping at each other. It was so funny. Yeah, random band geek antics. Lots of fun. (^^; lol
Since everyone seems to be having troubles with their loves lives as of late, I have here a song I think everyone should keep in mind. (^^)
"Even Angel Fall" by Jessica Riddle
You found hope, you found faith
Found how fast she could take it away
Found true love, lost your heart
Now you don�t know who you are
She made it easy, made it free
Made you hurt till you couldn�t see
Sometimes it stops, some times it flows
But baby that is how love goes
You will fly and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall
No such thing as "you lost it all"
God knows even angels fall
And it�s a secret that no one tells
One day it�s heaven, one day it�s hell
And its no fairy tale, take it from me
Thats the way it�s supposed to be
You will fly and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall
No such thing as "you lost it all"
God knows even angels fall
You laugh you cry no one knows why
But ohh the thrill of it all
You're on the ride
You might as well open your eyes
You will fly and you will crawl
God knows even angels fall
No such thing as "you lost it all"
God knows even angels fall
Even angels fall
Even angels fall
Even Angels fall
Anywayz... I highly recommend downloading this song or buying an album of hers or something. She's really good. I like a lot of her music. (^^) But I feel this song has some real wisdom. Sure, bad things happen; some more painful than others. But bad things happen, even to the best of us. So keep in mind that though you are hurt, life continues on and you should make the best of it. I know it isn't easy. Remember, I am the hopeless romantic. Yeah, the one who has yet to have a real relationship. So I know how it feels to carry a broken heart. But I always have to remind myself to smile. Eventually things get better and I'll be okay again. So just smile, and eventually your days will seem brighter. (^^)
Well, I think that's pretty much it. 'Til next time... Later days!
*~Erin~*
Music: random music videos
Mood: A tad bit hyper from the adrenaline. I'm really happy with myself, though. I feel like I have finally achieved something. (^^)
03/17/05
Mike was teaching me how to improv after school today. That was fun! I can't wait to do it again. (^^)
Well, the bell just rang, so I'll have to finish this later. See ya! (^^)/
03/16/05
I think my audition went well. I feel pretty confident about it. I hope I make it. (^^) I did get the Band Director isntead of the flute teacher, though. Not sure why. It was pretty weird. But, ah well. (^^;
Anywayz... Today was really weird. I can't really describe it, but it just was, well, weird. Like, I didn't even want to do Woodwind Ensemble today, but I was still willing to do it. Somehow, it didn't happen. Alex hung around after school today. it was nice, though. I haven't really had a chance to talk to him since we played at the night club. I learned some things that have been bothering me lately, so I feel a little more confident than I did before. I got really tired when I got to my lessons today. I can't figure out why, but, ah well. Anywayz... I have to go. My mom is bugging me to get off. 'Til next time... Later days! (^^)/
*~Erin~*
Music: Green Day (I'm watching videos ^^)
Mood: Tired, confused, anxious, happy, with a touch of self-confidence. (^^;
03/11/05 | Gr-Blargh... (<.<;
Well, tomorrow is the big day. (^^; I think I am ready. (must...convince...self...of...this...thought >.<) Anywayz...
Mommy comes home tonight! She gets home at around 11:00 tonight. Hopefully, I will be asleep by then, but yeah. (^^;; Today, the Jazz Band played for the National Jazz Week, thingy. It was actually pretty fun. I really enjoyed it.(^^) Though, I did have to sight read "You Like A' Da Juice" while onstage. That was a bit nerve racking, but eh, it's all good. (^^;
Yes, you get to hear about him again. (lol) Alex didn't play with the Jazz Band today because his guitar is broken, so he had to send it to the shop or something like that. Anywayz... On my way to my bus after school, Alex went out of his way to catch up with me. He just wanted to know how things were going and such. I'm glad he did it, though. I was afraid it might have gotten too awkward between the two of us. I'm really glad to know that my friendship really means something to him. I was afraid he would be too uneasy around me that he'd just give up, like some others have done before. (^^; So I am really glad that isn't the case.
Well, I didn't sleep at all last night, and today was pretty exhausting, and I have my audition tomorrow morning, so I must go now. Wish me luck! (^^)
*~Erin~*
Music: "Infection" by Onitsuka Chihiro
Mood: Really Nervous, tired, and my head really hurts for some reason. But I'm happy. (^^)
03/09/05
Only two more days until my audition for Towson. I am so nervous. (^^;; I had lessons today, that was fun. Melinda really helped me to loosen up and gave me some tips that will help me stay calm and focused on what's important: playing and having fun. So I feel a lot better than I did two hours ago. (^^)
I have decided to just let the whole Alex thing go. It isn't worth ruining our friendship like I did with Jason. It isn't a mistake worth making twice. (--; I mean, if he just wants to be friends, than that is fine with me. I was just hoping it could be something more. But, ah well. (^_^;
On the way to my lessons, my dad let me listen to one of my Green Day cds. I never thought I would end up getting him into them. (^^; Hey, I don't mind. I think it's pretty cool that he and I can find bands that we can both agree on. It was funny, though, the way he told me. He was afraid I would suddenly starts hating them just because he admitted to liking them. (^^; I don't know why he would think that, since we already have quite a few bands that we agree on, like Off Kilter. They're pretty cool. But, we had a fun time. (^^)
Well, I am about to give up on this whole Woodwind Ensemble idea. A lot of people were willing to make the commitment for our first rehursal, which was back either in late December or early January, but only four people are willing to make that same commitment now that we actually have music. And it isn't like it's some boring music that I just happened to find. It's fun music. I went and got freakin' George Girshwin for crying out loud! The man litteraly "took Jazz off the streets, dressed her up, and took her to the concert hall". He was genious! I love him. And everyone who came to rehursal today agreed with me. I mean, it's a grade four piece, which won't be easy, but I think that also adds to the fun. (^^) Now, I did grab a grade three piece, "Jimbo's Lulluby", which sounds more like a "creepy lulluby" as Dannielle put it, (^^; and I got a grade five piece, "Carnival of the Animals - Part I", which sounds like lots of fun, but I don't think we can learn it in the amount of time we have left. But people are just giving me crap for not comming. And I can understand if they don't want to do it, because it is voluntary. But they're lying to me saying they'll be there, and then they never come. And then they come up with excuses for not being there. I mean, if you aren't going to come, then just tell me. But don't keep comming up with excuses and lying to me. That's when I feel like I have failed you as a friend and as a person. When you feel that you have to lie to me so you don't make me feel bad or so I don't yell at you or anything, I feel like I have failed to make you feel comfortable enough to be honest with me. It hurts to have someone lie to me, no matter how small it may be. I feel almost betrayed and let down, and then I feel like it was my foult. I just wish people could just tell me the truth. That's all I want. That's why I get so pissed off with jeremy, because he always feels the need to lie to me and come up with some lame excuse.
Anywayz... It's late and I need to get ready for bed. 'Til next time, Later Days! (^^)/
*~Erin~*
Music:: Green Day
Mood: Relieved and stressed. Really nervous. Hurt, but trying to be as happy as I possibly can. (^^;
03/04/05
Well, the thinkable happened yesterday morning. Apparently, for Alex, it was one of those "I wasn't thinking. It was just that night." sort of things. Though, he was going on about it on Tuesday to his friends and he even insisted on giving me a hug before I left school Tuesday, even after I gave him one. So, I'm a little confused. 'Course, knwing me, I'm probably looking too into it, you know? (-_-;;;
But, yeah. I can't get him off my mind. Every five minutes, my thoughts find their way back to that night, and then to Thursday morning. I was so happy. Diana says I was this happy when I thought Jason liked me, but, no offense to him, but I don't think I really was. I've never felt so comfortable with anyone before. The thought of him holding me put me to sleep. I mean, I wasn't obsessesed, but I was happy. I didn't think about it all the time, but I didn't need to.
You know, it's funny how I've been able to find songs that relate to what is going on in my life so perfectly lately. (^^;; But yes, I have another one. (^^; It's called "I'm Not That Girl" from the Broadway musical, "Wicked". It is sung by Elphaba, or the Wicked Witch of the West, as she is well known for. Glinda ends up marrying the guy that she liked while she was attending Shiz, the school she, Glinda, and Fiyero (the guy she likes) went to. Anywayz... This perfectly explains how I feel at the moment.
I'm Not That Girl
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl
Anywayz... I'm doing better than I was yesterday, which is good. I don't mind just being friends. I'm just confused about a lot of things. I had let myself get my hopes up when I should have known better. I should have realized that I can't let myself get into this sort of situation. I am too easy. I am good for giving comfort at the moment, but that's it, and I have to remember that. I have to remember that that is all I am. I am not enough for someone to want it for more than that.
I am just so sick of being hurt. I am sick of someone I actually like showing signs of wanting there to be more than a friendship between us, only to pull away shortly after. It hurts. In fact, I am so confused and hurt that I keep reaching the brink of tears, but I can't seem to shed a single one. I can't stand it. I just want to cry and let it all out at once. Either that or go to sleep. That way I won't have to feel anything. Unfortunately, I am can't seem to pull off either one of them. (^^;;
I have another one, too. It's kind of how I feel about being the easy one to turn to. (^^;; It really describes how I feel about it, though.
"Mr. Brightside" by The Killers
I'm coming out of my cage
And I�ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I�m falling asleep
And she�s calling a cab
While he�s having a smoke
And she�s taking a drag
Now they�re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it�s all in my head
But she�s touching his�chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
I just can�t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it�s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
�Cause I�m Mr. Brightside
I�m coming out of my cage
And I�ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I�m falling asleep
And she�s calling a cab
While he�s having a smoke
And she�s taking a drag
Now they�re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it�s all in my head
But she�s touching his�chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
'Cause I just can�t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But it�s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
�Cause I�m Mr. Brightside
I never...
I never...
I never...
I never...
Anywayz... In an effort to keep myself from making my self-esteem and lower, I must admit that I did get at least one thing out of this that will last. I now know how to really kiss someone. XD ... (^^; Well, that pretty much explains the random comment in the tag board. (^^;
Well, on the bright side of things...
I went to Borders today. I got the first book of "The Ring", the third book of "Imadoki!: Nowadays", the fifth book of "Naruto", the third book of "Megatokyo", and I got Utada Hikaru's American Album "Exodus", Green Day's "International Superhits" album, and The Killers debut album "Hot Fuss". So I'm happy. (^^)
Mom leaves for her week-long business trip Sunday morning. And of course, as luck would have it, she gets back the night before my audition for Towson. (-_-; UGH! LIFE! I HATE YOU! YOU AND YOUR RANDOM OVERLOAD OF EVERYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG GOING WRONG! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I CAN'T! GRRR! \(>o<)/
Oh! And one more thing. Yesterday, we went into sectionals, and I put my new flute on my flute stand, and ended up knocking it over. So now there's a nice dent on the headjoint, right where everyone can see it. It just had to happen a week after I got it, and a week before my audition, which is, by the way, a week from today. God, I am really starting to hate my life. (-_-;;
Music: The Killers album "Hot Fuss"
Mood: Well, I appear to be lacking in self confidence. Though, beyond that, I am experiencing an overdose of overall crappy-ness with a pinch of happy......a very tiny pinch.
1 | 2 | 3
