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Ok, so I opted to move the journal entries over here since some of them have been there for quite some time, and it's beginning to get cluttered.
02.11.01
So the site is now functional, to some extent. Yesterday kicked over 500 responses on AFF. Scary, isn't it? Last night I went out with JGA, Mike, and Andy to Boston Billiards. Yuki was not our waitress, which was a letdown. She walked by so they stopped her were talking to her...she said something about how she couldn't remember how this guy would know her (referring to JGA) she turned to me and said, "I was thinking, 'Did I sleep with him?'" She cracks me up.
04.13.01
500? Hah. Today marks 1751 messages, 371 unread. I can't seem to find the time to read them all. Started my new job a few weeks ago now, and I'm really starting to enjoy it. My boss is awesome, I couldn't have asked for a better guy to work for. He is the Alpha Male extraordinaire, who still manages to be understanding and compassionate underneath his abrasive attitude. I'm so lucky.
Meanwhile, I'm busier than a one-armed paperhanger, getting my new web page put together (not another silly one), studying to take some certification tests at work, and even picking up some consulting opps on the side. Anyway... back to work.
09.05.2001
"I gotta go...but I'll be fantasizing about you on the drive home. Heh."
In EQ news, I completed the first part of my quest to join Scarlet Horizon. I now think I will make it a graphic novel. *wink* Expect that complete story "Glossolalia's Trials" at the begining of next week.
08.31.2001
Today's humor:
"I'm going to have to drill a hole in my head to let the boredom drain out."
From my boyfriend:
Tell her what she's won, Bob!
Well, Jack, she's won the right to be Gardner's girlfriend! This fabulous prize comes complete with.... Morning Annoyances when you are trying to sleep.... attempts to scare you - at any time!... and the awesome ability to be with someone who is ALWAYS RIGHT!
Gee, that sounds like a great prize. Enjoy your prize and thanks for playing ... "Who's Da Man?!?!"
Don't say you never won anything :P
08.17.2001
To quote a friend: '"Happy" is not something I usually am. It has nothing to do with the quality of my life as much as my generally gloomy temperment. Angst Boy isn't just a name, you know. It's a proud mantle for anyone who just can't look at the world and smile.'
I am now going to make an attempt to keep up with this site and change it from time to time. The overhaul is coming, I promise. In the meantime, I am writing a new poem! Wish me luck, I haven't completed a poem in a few years now.
09.14.2001
Revenge is sweet. Vengeance shall be mine. Revenge is a dish best served NOW. Pick a phrase. Tonight one of the techs called me (the one I have referred to as "The Whiny Bitch" since the first time I talked to him) and wanted me to do something that we do here as a FAVOR to the techs... it is officially outside the scope of our position. A little background here, folks... If you do not acknowledge a call, your pager will go off constantly. The system does it, not us... so he had 13 open calls at one location, and his pager was going bonkers. I /can/ go in and set ETAs for the calls so he stops being paged, but I do not HAVE to. This can be a simple procedure if I have the call #s, but all he gave me was the site number... so I had to go into the site, get the number, go to the call, change the eta... wash, rinse, repeat... it's a lot of keystrokes. SO... I'm doing this (out of the goodness of my heart) and he starts asking me, 'why is it taking you so long? Are you looking at each call?' Me: 'Yes I am. That is the only way to do this.' Tech: 'You've got to be kidding me! Is [insert coworkers name] there?' Me: 'No, it's just me and [another coworker].' Tech: 'It never takes [insert coworker's name] this long! You must be new, or doing something else!' Me: (attempting to control my temper) 'I'm new, actually.' Tech: 'Well you should talk to [insert coworkers name] because he knows what he's doing, he could show you some shortcuts or something, it never takes him this long! [snip] Can you look up a site address for me?' Me: 'You know what, [insert tech's name]?' *CLICK*
Flash forward another hour or two, after I have calmed down a bit... Me: '[insert company name], this is Jessica' Tech: 'Jessica! Help me.' Me: *SPUTTER* 'Yeah, RIGHT!' Tech: 'Please?!' Me: 'Hang on!' *TRANSFER* [to 'a black hole']
Then I moved to Seattle...
10.11.2001
"If you don't like the weather in Washington, just wait 15 minutes and it will change." ~My roommate, Dan Carew.
Well, Seattle it is. Definitely an interesting place, though having IHOP only a few blocks away and PetCo on the corner is definitely a boon. The rain, well... last night it reminded me of the east coast, and I gather that is uncommon. No lightning out here, believe it or not. It kind of pisses on you every day. Fairly amusing, esp when you consider today it was beautiful and sunny out. Go fucking figure.
Saying goodbye to JGA was /extremely/ hard. I already miss him. I'm so lame. I keep telling myself it's for the best, and it probably is... but it doesn't make it easier. "Surrounded by people, and completely alone."
Meantime, my cat is bonkers and is hiding behind the washing machine most of the time. He actually had the AUDACITY to chew through his cat carrier while on the plane and then go "exploring"... I was woken up by the woman sitting across the aisle... "Do you have a grey cat?... He's running around the plane" I was SOOOOOOOOOOO pissed off. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep with him being such a fucking pain in the ass. Other than that, the flight was fairly uneventful, though getting off the plane and riding the monorail back to the baggage claim only to find that NO ONE recognizable was there was a little... distressing. Damned traffic. Meeting my roommates (some of them NOT for the first time) was also amusing. Add some alcohol into the mix and you have an eclectic mix of me (horribly anti social and upset by the goings on in my life) and my fairly sociable roommates... They're... interesting. In that Chinese curse kind of way.
Anyway... I gotta run. ;) If you're looking to get in touch, I created a new email address (yet another, yes, I know...) [email protected]
10.20.2001
A (final?) email from my ex:
subject: I feel better now
OK,
I was feeling pretty bitter that you were going to be in Seattle attempting to inflate your self esteem in your favorite way - seeking out pathetic losers who would agree to sleep with you at the drop of a hat. I hope you are getting what you want.
Me? I am getting what I've always wanted. Went to Atlantic City last night. Found a strip club there and hooked up with an impossibly gorgeous stripper. I didn't even have to try: she came to me. I guess some women still think I have something worth chasing. I'll let her have another taste of it tomorrow when I spend the day with her in Philadelphia.
Here's an idea: let's not correspond. I can't think of anything nice to say. I really don't want to have anything to do with you. Part of me hopes that you find happiness and a good job out there. The other part doesn't want to know.
You know what it is? I miss you too much. Whenever I think about it, I get bitter and angry. Basically there is no chance that we will ever connect again since you decided to move to Seattle. I've never been there and probably never will be. If I never run into you again (which I probably never will), it would be for the better. And every time I sit down and try to draft an idle chit chat mail, I write something hateful instead. That's not healthy.
If you want to send me updates on your life and what you are doing, that's fine. But I'm not going to mail you again until I'm completely over you and able to do so without being mean.
Bye.
Gardner
A couple of others:
Subject: Your XXXXing hair!
I keep finding you XXXXing hair on my uniforms. Crappy reminder that my girlfriend left me just prior to being deployed. It's always just when I haven't thought about you for a good stretch.
:P
Gardner
and...
Subject: heh
Find someone new yet?
How long did it take you to get laid? Two... three days? Hours?
Hate you.
10.21.2001
2:42pm
Just painted my fingernails. Pearlescent white. Then I got my roommate, Chris, to paint letters on them for me. "People Suck" is the message of the day.
Quotes from the fridge:
"It's like eating my chips and salsa all over again!" ~Carew
"Hey, even angels need to bone sometimes."
"If you don't stop I'm going to rip off your head... both of them." ~Taniel
"Clean up after your nasty ass. Your mama doesn't live here."
"That's cute... but hardly threatening. Are you going to chase me around the house now?" ~Carew
"A... a... ass!"
"Stop arguing semantics and just kiss me." ~Tibbles
Went shopping recently... got a great coat for $5 off because it had something bizarre on the sleeve (yes, it is permanent, I washed it when I got home and it is still there). So I paid $25 for a greenish coat with "Psych Ward" on the back. Very Seattle-ish, and warm enough to get me through the winters here. Not that you can really call this "winter"... it's like early fall. All "winter" long. Heh.
Today outside of IHOP I saw this skinhead guy with a 4 point tire iron walking down the road. My first instinct was 'oh my god what is that guy doing?' He saw me eyeballing him and he smiled. I smiled back. I'm in Seattle! I keep forgetting.
On a DDR (Dance Dance Revolution - a 'video game' that gives you arrows and you have 4 squares to step on. Sound simple? Try it. On the harder levels - like lvl 8 - there are 650 steps in 90 seconds.) note: 3 trips, I'm doing lvl 3s successfully. I'm having a fucking blast. I sing along. Figure I'm making sure I'm getting a true aerobic workout if I can keep singing and still manage to do the steps. Getting easier as time goes by. Haven't bothered trying Para Para Paradise again, as there's always a large line and I can't even pass one song successfully.
There's a Build-a-Bear store out here. I have to remember to go back and make myself a Halloween Bear. It's black with these little orange tinsel type things in the fur. Very cute. The store is designed so that you can pick an animal shell, fill it, then dress it as anything you want. I think I'm going to try to make "Dork Bear." No one seems to find it as amusing as I do.
10.24.2001
Country Music. Go figure. I should hate this stuff. I used to. Now I find myself spending all day in front of the computer listening to it. Between "So Complicated" and "Not that Different" I find that there are all sorts of songs with incredible lyrics.
On a different 'note,' I just downloaded "The Homecoming Queen Has a Gun!"... 'and I said, in her good ear... 'Debbie, why'd you do it?' ... 'I did it for Johnny!' ... there was some guy named Johnny but he was a geeky guy who always had food in his braces!' Or even better... TOM LEHRER. That man is a god.
Another day, another bottle of merlot. I suppose I should point out that there are a /lot/ of really good merlots for ~$10. Southern Australia comes out with some great ones. Oddly enough, I'm finding I have more of a taste for the dry ones than the fruity California merlots I used to so thoroughly enjoy. Perhaps I have changed, or maybe it's just that you really do have to spend $50 to get a good fruity wine. *shrug*
Email of the day:
Subject: You don't suck!
Hey,
I came across your website. Quite unique I must say.. Dissing your Ex is really interesting.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that you don't suck. You seem like an interesting person. Seattle ROCKS.... Just give it a chance.
10.25.2001
Mmm... DDR good! Went to Illusionz again today, and for 2 1/2 hours I did almost non-stop 4s and a few 3s. One of the employees came by and pointed out to a group that interrupted my continous play that this game was going to put them in the best shape of their life! They didn't understand, but I nodded vigorously. DDR kicks your ass. But god is it fun!
AIM clips for the day:
"Good morning dearest. I miss you already."
"btw...nice lips.
(I'm now obsessed. it's official)"
and my ex makes an appearance: "where are you logged on?" was his only comment. I was out playing DDR. So I missed him. However, this is definitely a good thing, as it means (if nothing else) he's ok.
On a travelling note: 'Bon Voyage!' to Darrian and Duff, (a couple of Legend of the Five Rings Warlords (kind of like Pro Tour players, if you know about Magic: the Gathering) are making a trek across this great nation in the name of "Raw Deal," a game that I find humorous, but seems to be popular. Silly wrestling show, silly wrestling game. Soap operas for men. *scoffs*
And for those of you who remember me mentioning my EverQuest story... I posted a link in the Poetry section so you can read of my exploits (Glossolalia's Trials) and also see the bastardised poem I wrote for my IRL pal, Whit. I say 'bastardised' because half of the lines were stolen from an old poem I had written about 6 years ago. I had to come up with it on short notice, so I borrowed from my own stuff. Is that so bad? ;) Enjoy!
10.26.2001 9:28am
Know what today is, Kiddies? It's Halloween party day at my house. I had a few drinks last night [those Watermelon Spike JD thingies] and thus I felt the need to edit out most of my first paragraph from last night. I left the most poignant line.
[edit 9:26am] And now I look across the hall at a closed bathroom door and I just want to cry for my impotence... my inablity to make it all better. [edit 9:27am]
On a different note... got another email from the guy who thinks I don't suck...
subject: Is there more or is it but a dream?
Interesting isn't how the internet opens new horizons, new pathways for making friends. As a typical male, I am intrigued by women, both clothed and unclothed. Yes AFF is where I discovered your web. Not many would do so, hit the party link and think what is this? Hmm? well I tend to be one that digs further.
Digging further is my line of work, I solve problems with computers, run them, baby them, resurrect them from non-existence only to have my self-righteous ego slammed when they fail me again like a half-baked friend.
What am I looking for? I don?t know, my life is not bad by today?s standards. Work ? Home ? Play ? Work a never ending grind of tomorrows after today.
And then I see you, a fiery haired nymph spouting challenging words, friendly to the eye and daring others to challenge her intellect as well as her body.
You are beauty and fire, I see it in your eyes. Is there more or is it but a dream?
Inebriated as I am, I believe the answer is simply: "I am but a construct."
Oh, one more thing of note: Today I got a package that included a signed BILL O'REILLY parade magazine (that man is a GOD!) and a lined FoxNews windbreaker. Now I can meander around Seattle announcing to the world that I am a Republican in a nicely subtle way. "Fair and Balanced," that it may be. But it's definitely more RIGHT than the other stations. I felt... /special/. And it was nice to make my roommates jealous. *wink* So, you know who you are... thank you. :)
And just in case any of you were curious... You will find very few actual names used on this site. My philosophy is that if you know me well enough to know WHO I am referring to, you a) probably don't need to read this and b) don't care. Yes, I know a lot of people. From many different walks of life. Most of them seem to believe they are better known than they are. (Then again, I am infamous for NOT realizing I am talking to someone 'important.' There are many stories about me and my ignorance.) All that aside, after being 'outed' at my job, I have a newfound respect for other people's privacy. Never thought that someone I work with would recognize me from those pictures... [I /rarely/ wear makeup] but I suppose it goes to show that they *DO* look like me. :)
10.26.2001 5:57pm
Halloween party is almost upon us... I'm going as Alex from A Clockwork Orange. Tonight and tomorrow (Freak Night). So I have painter's white disposable coveralls, fake teal eyelashes, a black bowler, and a big dildo. Heh. I'll see what I can do about getting some pictures.
10.28.2001
Thought for the day: Logic Sucks.
Another though for the day: Chemical imbalances in your brain suck.
I don't know how I have managed to get along thse past few weeks... with everything that is going on I'm kind of amazed that I have managed to keep such a positive attitude... waiting for 'the other shoe to drop' and a massive low to overtake me. So far it's been kinda bouncy, but nothing I couldn't control.
Bits of another email from my ex: [note that this one was sent to a /lot/ of people, so we're going to look at only the highlights]
subject: Gardner Update
[snip]
Everything seems to be falling into place... I'm the happiest I've been in a long time - completely free from all the stress I used to experience when I was working as a systems architect.
Oh yeah - if you didn't know already, Jess left me. Took off to Seattle. Guess I wasn't making her happy.
On the flip side, I met a nice girl while I was down in NJ during MOBE training. OK, OK... as some of you are probably guessing, she's a dancer... BUT she *is* a nice girl, dammit! Who knows: it could be a fling, it could be something more. Only time will tell.
[/snip]
... I'm happy for him. He's always had a thing for strippers, and now he may have found himself one. Perhaps I only served to open a few doors. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..." and all that.
A bit of lyrics:
Was it time, was it truth?
Maybe both led her back to his door
And as her tears fell at his feet
She didn't say "I love you"
What she said meant even more
I laugh, I love, I hope, I try...
I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry...
And I know you do the same things too
So we're really not that different
No, we're really not that different
Me and you
"Not that Different" ~ Colin Raye
Just when I think I'm under control
I think I finally got a grip
Another friend tells me that
My name is always on your lips...
They say I'm more than just a friend
They say I must be blind
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me
From the corner of your eye
Oh it's so confusing I wish you'd just confess!
But think of what I'd be losing
If your answer wasn't yes...
It's so complicated, I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay
Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know
But then again I don't
It's so complicated
"So Complicated" ~ Carolyn Dawn Johnson
11:41pm
"I'm a fool, I've been a fool my whole life... I don't know what that means, I'm really drunk, but I'll say it again." ~ Shteevie
10.31.2001
All Hallow's Eve. 'Nuff said. ;)
Played DDR twice today (again. Did it yesterday too.) My legs hurt. Tournament is Saturday. I signed up for it yesterday. Julz talked me into it, damn her. I think I can qualify to get into the first round, but... oh ok, DVD time, I gotta go for now. More later.
11.02.2001
Sorry about that, got interrupted by The Emperor's New Groove. Me, Tibs, Julz and Shteevie all camped out to watch it. Julz hadn't seen it, if you can believe that! :)
Anyway... AIM bits of the day:
AGrrl: Jess!!!
AGrrl: where did you go???
AGrrl: Jess!!!
AGrrl: She shows up, then she leaves..
AGrrl: *sigh*
him: what'cha been up to this morning?
me: um, sleeping?
me: my legs hurt. What about you?
him: working, I feel great, like usual ; )
me: yeah, you suck. ;-)
me: but I like you anyway.
him: Of course you do
him: dosn't everyone?
him: ; )
me: bah! :-P
me: well, you are kind of loveable. If that counts for anything
me: endearing
him: why do you say that?
him: I am too egotistical to be loveable or endearing
me: hah!
"Jess is making that look that says "get your ass over here now" to me, so I'll talk later, 'k?"
11.03.2001
Quotes of the Day:
"Chivalry isn't dead, it's lying in a ditch bleeding profusely" ~ Jake
"Polite is lying in a ditch right beside Chivalry" ~ Tibbles
Today was the DDR tournament. 30 players attended. Qualifying round I used Dream a Dream (Captain Jack - he's so good) and ended up with 83% perfect. Which (believe it or not) seeded me as 7th. This bought me a bye into the 2nd round. Hoody hoo. When they said "Cake" as the last one that had a bye, Julz and I both cheered. Tibs, Julz, and most of our group got bumped out in the first round. So... second round I am pitted against a KID. He was 23rd seed, but he beat the higher ranked player in the first round. So we get a list of 5 songs, and we each pick one to throw away. I don't recognize them, so when I see we have one 4, two 5s, and two 6s, he bumps a 6 and so do I. HOWEVER, I managed to leave in his qualifying song. "OOPS" is all I have to say to that. I trounced him on his qualifying song. Second song I beat him by ONE perfect. Eeked out the victory, as I sucked out in the third song, not that I really cared at that point, I had won the best two out of three already. So the top 8 seeds made the top 8. Sometimes it IS a perfect world. Third round I played against the former champion. I FAILED both 6s and then beat her by a sound margin in the third song (a 5). She found me later (she placed 3rd overall) to get my picture and to comment on the fact that she had heard I had only been playing for 2 1/2 weeks. I nodded. She said, 'wow. You can pass 5s!' I said, 'yeah, but I cannot pass a 6.' 'Yes, but I can't remember if I was even passing 3s after 2 1/2 weeks!' I felt really good.
So feeling cocky I choose to play Stomp to My Beat (lvl 5) on the USA Mix machine in the corner. I proceed to miss the right pad, and plant my foot on the edge of the machine... weight comes down, twist... owie. But I didn't fail the song, as I continued playing. It hurts. Quite a bit, in fact. So my right ankle and my left knee are smarting. But I did make the top 8. Go me.
Last night we went to see Monsters, Inc. God, that is a great movie. I can't recommend it enough. Go see it. It's worth it. I may have to see it a couple more times. We'll see. Our theatre was sold out. Soooo good. Then we came home and played Time Out (great game) I'll sum it up for you... Lots of cards with names and titles and shit on them... from actors like Antonio Banderas to Robert Louis Stevenson... Yuri Gagarin... First round you can use words and your partner can guess a lot. No passing. Second round you get one word, and your partner gets one guess. You can pass. Third round, no words, one guess. I teamed up with Allen (a local guy) and the two of us just CREAMED everyone else. He even got my 'whitewashing' reference to get Mark Twain. We make a sick pair when it comes to literary references.
Anyway, I'm off... Btw, I got that job, and they're going to PAY ME for the trial period up front... which is a boon, to say the least. Welcome back to the ranks of the gainfully employed. Meantime, we're going to play pinochle and I'm going to eat spaghetti. And lots of gurken salat (cucumber salad, tibs makes a killer version of it.)
11.04.2001
AIM bits of the day:
hi ...message for red short green eyed bitch...
Where the F@CK are you and why don't you ever email me?
Thanx.. please forward to proper red head
go
smoke
I'll have one too
we can smoke together
like the old days
11.06.2001
Second day at my new job, working at a dot com in downtown Seattle. Right near Gameworks, which I thought was so much cooler than it is. They appear to have 2 DDR machines, one of which is 3rd Mix and has been beaten on pretty severely (I don't like 3rd Mix and I especially don't like unreceptive pads) and the other is the USA mix, which also has a limited number of songs. So I bought a card, and I figure I won't be there for more than 20 minutes at a stretch, probably after work or maybe during lunch. Disappointing. Otherwise, my job seems like it will be spiffy, my coworkers are nice, friendly, and generally normal. The 'boss' type I have dealt with most is a Brit (hoody hoo!).
AIM bits of the day:
my ex: been dating?
me: Not really... may go on a blind date later this week, we'll see
my ex: go for it
[in regard to a photo of a webcam chick]
my brother: Is that you?
me: Yes it is
me: It is I!
my brother: Wow.
me: It is not I who am crazy, it is I who am MAD!
me: no wait
me: The picture? not me
me: My point is that it isn't me.
me: IT's some cam chick.
my brother: Who is it?
me: I don't know
me: some cam chick... has a pay site... porn, etc.
my brother: It looks like you...but the eyebrows are plucked. Do you like her?
my brother: Are you still there?
me: I don't kow, but it plagues me that people think it's me.
my brother: Well... she is pretty. She seems to have your hair style. She definitely has that devilish charm of yours... a twinkle in her eyes...
my brother: Go ahead... Start a rumour
me: awww
me: lol!
me: Nah, I have enough boys as it is.
my brother: Steal her thunder
my brother: Go for the girls, then
me: If I wanted to steal her thunder I'd start my own site
my brother: You will, dear. Just probably not a cheesy porno site
me: *laughs*
my brother: *dribbles*
me: and what kind should I have, do you think?
my brother: *snorts*
me: what the hell does your handle mean, anyway?
Rooks: ancient chinese secret
me: I shoul dhave known
Rooks: it isnt l33t-speek or anything
Rooks: unlike you, miss hacker
me: oh blow me. ;-)
Rooks: you should be so lucky
me: oh listen to you
Rooks: grin
Rooks: I'm in quite an odd mood
Rooks: how are you?
me: besides... I don't think you'd want to... Kids, can we say "red wings?"
Rooks13147: ACK
me: *bwahahahahah*
Rooks: therapy. get some of it
Rooks: egad
my Brit: just what I need to destress
my Brit: some mindless Arnie
[he's watching T2 on DVD]
me: lol
me: go to The Arcade... try Dance Dance Revolution
my Brit: hahaha
my Brit: I'm lousy at that
me: you've tried it?
my Brit: if it's the one I think it is
my Brit: you have to do fancy footwork
me: yes
me: wow. You might have beat me to it!
me: I hated it. Tried it the second night I was here.
my Brit: well, I am a slum lord
[private joke between us. Really, he works for Mi6. ;)]
me: Now I love it.
me: lol
me: Nah, you're one hot brit.
me: is Brit capitalized?
my Brit: yep
my Brit: like Yank
my Brit: ty
me: *smirk* I'll yank you
my Brit: please do
[snip]
me: Stay cute.
my Brit: OK
me: and think of me every now and then.
my Brit: more than that
11.07.2001
HALLOWEEN PICS ARE UP!
11.14.2001
Girl Magazine humor (thanks to Cosmo):
A quiz about your sex life... my results... split between "tigress" and "adventuress"...
Tigress:
You're a sexual savage with an insationable appetite for action! A tigress never apologizes for her abundance of erotic energy and is unabashedly enthusiastic about her sexual play, says Foley. In order for sex to meet your standards, you prefer control over your prey-er, man-as thinks griskily unfold and might even like to engage in some domination games. According to Keesling, as a passionate person, you place high expectations on yourself and expect the best from your bedmates. Your do-it-to-me-now demands can make you a little hard to please, but once these guys learn their lust lessons, they'll have a black belt in bedroom behavior from the sexual sensei herself. You're willing to try any stimulating thing at least once but always end up returning to your big-O faithfuls. "The men you date tend to be self-confident and passionate as well," says Foley, "but you sometimes find that your abundance of energy can intimidate them." Men might sometimes ask you to slwo down a bit, but they should know better that that: No one can tame a tigress.
Adventuress:
When it comes to handling your honeys in teh bedroom-or more like a public ark, bar bathroom, or conference room-your motto is "The crazier, the better!" You're an independent, confident risk-taker who sees sex as a means to express her creativity. You're utterly bored by been-there, done-that routines and would rather have daring carnal play once a week than ho-hum sheet heat every night, says Keesling. Chances are, you have an array of pleasure props-from vibrators to videos-and might even have a drawerful of devilish getups for acting out fantasies and racy role-playing. Your frisky approach extends to your dating decorum as well. You're either seeing a whole lotta men at one time, trying on a new flavor of fella, or ending things witha chap who just couldn't keep up. If you're in a long-term relationship, congratulations: You've met your thrill-seeking erotic match.
Finally passing some 6s, but as of late I have been sick. Actually missed Monday and today of this week at work, just been sleeping a LOT. I feel yukky. :(
In the meantime... remember what I said about my roommates and Chinese curses? Well... I awoke this afternoon to my roommate Taneil disassembling the entertainment center and the coffee table and moving it into her room. See, I have been the bitching post since I got here, figuring that being an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on would make things easier in my house. HOWEVER, my sacrifices have done nothing to maintain peace amongst the natives. Last night it all came to a head... Dan and Taneil were sitting on opposite ends of the couch, screaming at eachother. (I was sitting on the loveseat, a silent observer.) I honestly believed they could work it out if they tried, but now I really wonder if that is possible. I think it's too bad that she has chosen to ostracize herself from the rest of the household, the only thing she said to me today was, 'the phone is for you.'
In some ways, that kind of worked out for me, as I just wanted to go back to bed anyway. I hate being sick.
November is quickly whisking by us, and that brings us ever closer to Thanksgiving (what a MISNOMER) and more importantly... the end of the month and the "Warlord Mega Tour" will be coming out this way. *laughs* Now that is something to give thanks about! It translates into me getting to spend some time with one of my really good friends. So 'hoody frickin' hoo!' and all that.
Since I mentioned a dream before... here's another weird one for ya... I dreamed about my lipstick (I like LipLites, they're flavored and funky colored) and in my dream I was putting them on and kissing Julz. So she could 'try them.' And I gave her one of the gloss sticks and she (instead of just smelling it) stuffed it up her nose. That is all I remember about it. Oddly enough, it wasn't a sexually explicit dream, it was just kind of bizarre.
Saw "Heist"... it's interesting, but kind of slow, and very cookie cutter plot line kind of thing. I'd say: Rent it, or catch it on cable.
11.08.2001
I dreamed about a cattle prod... there was this button, and I was in my underwear and so was Dan (he was sitting next to me in my dream) and every time I hit the button it'd shock me, but he'd jump. It felt kinda funky, and I kept hitting the button.
Went to Cheesecake Factory today during lunch. God it was good, but hoo boy am I suffering now! Damn lactose intolerance!
11.15.2001
Prometheus?
My ex's predictions have not come to fruition. Am I sorry that they haven't or am I glad that he was mistaken? Or is it too early to make that call?
Life, love... all of these things require you to 'settle.' Anyone who tells you that it isn't worth it to 'settle' is deluding themselves. Yes, accepting that someone squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube IS a form of settling (god that drives me nuts). Take the good with the bad. And remember: great sex is the easiest way back into my good graces.
Lots of updates today... pics from the DDR tournament (they're bad, but included here anyway. Everyone - myself included - looks better IRL.)
"Rooks: it's a terrible picture of you, however, the baseline for *any* picture of you already puts it above most people... that satisifies your need to be insulted and mine not to say anything bad about my favorite redhead. ;-)"
me
My roommate, Dan playing Para Para Paradise
Zannah
Julz
And some pics of my roommates... in that first one from left to right you have Dan Tibbles, Dan Carew, and Chris (um... *bobs head from side to side* I-da know!) ;)
email bit of the day:
Hello,
I saw your add on adult friend finder and decided after a fair amount of deliberation that I'd email you and try to start something up. I took a look at your web site and couldn't decide if you where crazy or brilliant so that much remains a mystery to me.
Rant of the day:
It's one thing to not spend time with me. I can deal with that. I'm busy, you're busy, we're all stretched taut with work and the added stress of WWIII at the house. But don't tell me you plan to spend time with me and blow that off within a few minutes. Sometimes you need to make a choice. You can't eat your cake and have it too.
We want to have it all, to spend time with everyone, to be adored by the people we care about, and respected by the masses, no? But choices need to be made, and priorities set. I don't consider it a 'lame excuse' to tell me that someone needed you more than I did. I consider that part of being a friend. I have a couple of people that I know I could call at 4am and cry to and they'd listen. God knows I have showed up randomly on my best friend's doorstop a few times and just vented about life. Sometimes it sucks to realize that Adam and Ray are thousands of miles away, over 50 hours, no longer just a couple of hours of driving.
When you wrap your arms around me and tell me that you're happy I'm here I feel good, I feel safe, secure, it is so nice to listen to you breathe. So comforting. Sometimes I can close my eyes and just feel you there, hear you, smell you, and it's... comfortable. Sometimes I can hear your voice in my head... your memes rattle around in there. You get under my skin, in so many different ways, you frustrate and enlighten me. You let me down, and I get angry... you act like an inconsiderate, self absorbed, selfish prick... and sometimes... you can just look at me and it all melts away. You are naive and yet worldly, an egotistical, self righteous, scared little boy... ever the dichotomous enigma. Sometimes I want to hate you. Sometimes I'm scared that I don't. Living in a house with so many other people, I find I am rarely by myself. And yet...
Sometimes I feel completely alone.
Your response: "I know. You are not the only one who feels completely alone."
AIM bits:
Jason says:
Read your up date
CCG GIRL says:
still workin on it
Jason says:
ooh more... my daily As Jessica turns...
CCG GIRL says:
Hope is evil
Dan says:
hope is wonderful
CCG GIRL says:
No way... Hope was the last thing left in Pandora's Box
Dan says:
yup
CCG GIRL says: hence the greatest of all evils
Dan says:
and the most wonderful think ever given to mankind
CCG GIRL says:
Hope leads to disappointment
CCG GIRL says:
grrr fucking interchange is pissing me off
Dan says:
and gives rise to delightfully optimistic outlooks
Rooks: I've started dating again. heh. the women of the world are being reminded why they shouldnt talk to me
me: hahahahah
Rooks: grin
Rooks: went on a blind date last friday
Rooks: it, erm, ended on sunday
Rooks: it was a good weekend
me: woah
Rooks: this girl thinks like I do
me: obviously
Rooks: even her writing style is the same
Rooks: my roommate thought it was me writing
Rooks: when I showed him a bit
Rooks: she's fun, though
Rooks: and clearly more insane than I am
Rooks: we didn't even do anything like *that*, and I know that's what you're thinking
Rooks: we just decided we felt like hanging out all weekend
me: sure
me: sure sure
me: ;-)
Rooks: you doubt me?
Rooks: that hurts
Rooks: on the inside
Rooks: really
Rooks: *sob*
me: *deletes her apology*
Rooks: doh
"He should take me out to dinner because he's such a great guy... I'm a bastard! Why would I take him out to dinner?"
~ my boss (yes, he really is that wonderful.)
(stolen from his AIM info) A selection of the wonderful things people have to say about Rooks:
"You are inconsiderate and devoid of all emotion."
"I feel tainted just talking to you."
"You are all that is soulless and wrong."
"Unfit for human consumption is what you are!"
him: "I must have made some kind of first impression."
response: "You usually do."
It's good to be loved.
11.18.2001
Blast from the past
MTwelve: Jessica! What up?
MTwelve: It's Ryan. You know, the guy you dated for like a year and a half?
All I can say is "wow."
DDR News... passed a few 7s today... *pats self on back* I was pretty stoked about that, and it would seem that my gut is calming back to normal, and that pleases me to no end. I'm so tired of not feeling good. Back to work tomorrow (THANK GOD) the other part I hate about being sick is not being able to function at my job. I really don't like feeling useless/impotent/unproductive.
Speaking of DDR... today I wore (I'm not kidding here) my 3/4 length nike d.r.i. fit grey pants, and my little white tank top. I look GOOD! It's amazing what this past month of DDR has done to me. I have to get a picture and post it... I can't believe it myself. But I'm really pleased about it. =)
11.20.2001
The Sins of your Coworkers
Togashi Mitsu says:
is brenden over there?
Togashi Mitsu says:
can you ask him to log on to MSN..
Y. T. says:
SLOTH is one of the 7 deadly sins, you know [devil face]
Togashi Mitsu says: so is WRATH [mean face]
Maybe it's just me [rant]
coming shortly...
i'm trying... i really am.
Ok... so it begins...
Click on Alanis Morisette to go along with my interlude of Liz Phair this afternoon, and Marilyn Manson/NIN yesterday evening. I'm frustrated and angry, and really unsure of how to proceed. I think the underlying feeling is UNAPPRECIATION. And you... you are either blind or you just don't give a rat's ass about anyone else but yourself. I don't think you know what empathy is.
em�pa�thy (mp-th)
n.
1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. See Synonyms at pity.
You have to pick one... you're either the boyfriend or you're not... And I know (better than anyone involved in or on the periphery of this situation) how easy it is to fall back into old routines and what is "known" and comfortable. But that is what time is for... and if you two need to be alone to "say goodbye" or "hug" eachother, something is drastically wrong.
Like a friend
Like a fool
Like some guy you knew in school
Didn't we love?
Didn't we share?
Or don't you even care?
I know we said we were through
But I never knew
How quickly I would go
From someone you loved
To someone you used to know
...I'm not someone you loved, I'm someone you used to know... ~Colin Raye
I guess what plagues me is this double standard that is adhered to... If my ex is not comfortable with seeing me and my new beau be cute together, and I choose to respect that, I am not going to be super cute WITH MY EX (esp not in front of his new girl). That's just /rude/. There are extra boundaries with recent exes... Or recent lovers, for that matter. Example... most of my friends at the cons brought their women with them to GenCon. I was disappointed, but at the same time I was pleased to see them happy. Because most of them are people that I care about. Either way, what it comes down to is that I treated them as friends, joked around, met their other halves, and no one was the wiser. Besides, the people who are close to me and that I care about I have a tendency to be touchy feely with. I walk around arm in arm with Julz, let alone someone I am physically intimate with. (note: I would say that emotionally I am intimate with Julz. I have long soul baring conversations with her. Definitely something different than sex, but forming an emotional bond is a lot tougher for me than finding an interesting sexual partner. Besides. She doesn't swing that way.)
While we're on the topic of 'maybe it's just me'... how's this for ethereal? This IT guy I met out here calls me up, and we start chatting about Jane Fonda and whether or not she should be tried as a traitor... (My feeling is yes, there is not statute of limitations on treason for a reason.) Then he stops by, and we sit around talking about ecommerce and the dot bomb problem, Exodus going under, and what is going to happen to Seattle. It was amazing. So if you are reading this... THANK YOU. In just a short period of time, I got so much of the intellectual stimulation I have desperately needed. Most of my roommates and whatnot are more apolitical than anything, liberal if I wanted to classify, but why bother when they don't pay attention. The joys of youth.
So I listen to Alanis say... 'how about unabashedly bawling your eyes out...' and somehow that line ALWAYS makes me want to cry. Maybe it's because I don't like to cry in front of people, and then even when I do cry (alone or not) I rarely completely 'lose it'... Lose my grip, lose my control, however you want to look at it. The end of my relationship has brought me a crying fit that led to hyperventilation the night he actually left, and after a month or so I had another loss of my grip. And as usual, when I have a few hours by myself, I can't seem to force myself to let go and just cry. So I resort to listening to the one line that can usually bring it out. Maybe it's the strength with which she says it. Crying makes me feel weak. Like I don't have control. I forget if I mentioned this, but my own mother asked me point blank recently if I had /ever/ loved /anyone/. This sounds like a fairly brutal statement, but really, there is an interesting underlying statement there.
More on this later, I need a cigarette or 5.
me: about to write a rant called, 'maybe it's me.'
Thud: it might be...
Thud: i mean, you are female... most of the worlds' problems can be traced directly to females...
"Public school is a perverse combination of 1920s New Deal programs and 1950s and 60s mentalities." ~Brandon (one of my coworkers... really reminds me of Gary from USi.)
11.19.2001
I'm tired.
Someday I will learn to sacrifice sexual gratification in favor of sleep.
Theo says:
those of us with no sex life have no sympathy for those of you who are tired all the time.
Dictionary.com
sig�nif�i�cant (sg-nf-knt)
adj.
1. Having or expressing a meaning; meaningful.
2. Having or expressing a covert meaning; suggestive: a significant glance. See Synonyms at expressive.
3. Having or likely to have a major effect; important: a significant change in the tax laws.
4. Fairly large in amount or quantity: significant casualties; no significant opposition.
5. Statistics. Of or relating to observations or occurrences that are too closely correlated to be attributed to chance and therefore indicate a systematic relationship.
oth�er (thr)
adj.
1.
a. Being the remaining one of two or more: the other ear.2. Different from that or those implied or specified: Any other person would tell the truth.
b. Being the remaining ones of several: His other books are still in storage.
3. Of a different character or quality: �a strange, other dimension... where his powers seemed to fail�E(Lance Morrow).
4. Of a different time or era either future or past: other centuries; other generations.
5. Additional; extra: I have no other shoes.
6. Opposite or contrary; reverse: the other side.
7. Alternate; second: every other day.
8. Of the recent past: just the other day.
n.
1.
a. The remaining one of two or more: One took a taxi, and the other walked home.2.
b. others The remaining ones of several: After her departure the others resumed the discussion.
a. A different person or thing: one hurricane after the other.
b. An additional person or thing: How many others will come later?
pron.
1. A different or an additional person or thing: We'll get someone or other to replace him.
2. others People aside from oneself: �the eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages�E(Virginia Woolf).
adv.
In another way; otherwise; differently: The car performed other than perfectly.
significant other
n.
1. A person, such as a spouse or lover, with whom one shares a long-term sexual relationship.
2. A person, such as a family member or close friend, who is important or influential in one's life: �The most important variable in successful smoking cessation is the support of significant others in the new nonsmoker's life�E(Carolyn Reuben).
Rooks: I usually refer to my girlfriend/etc as my better half
Rooks: since it'd be hard to have a worse one
AIM bits:
my brother: Kitten...
me: hang on
my brother: Okay.....
my brother: Just checking in to make sure I'll be seeing you on Friday!!! I miss you. I was just telling someone about you and how much I love you and realized that I REALLY DO love and miss you. Be there, okay?....
my brother: I just can't stay on AOL much longer...lotsa work now that I'm a working boy again.
my brother: E-mail me, baby. Later.
Rooks: I can feel the power of rainbows, unicorns, and kittens empowering my every thought.
11.22.2001
I sit here on Thanksgiving Day, after eating at IHOP with my roommate Carew (I think I'm actually glad I am not alone today, even though I was originally planning it to be haircare/emotional outlet day) and I finally find myself with a bit of free time and a well of anger to draw from. So here goes, a true stream of consciousness rant called, 'maybe it's just me.'
"Go ahead and cut it off... I am not using it anyway!" ~Carew, after I threatened to make him the next John Wayne Bobbit. (My clues for homegrown Time's Up were: John Bobbit, Ron Jeremy, Peter North, David Williams, Ayn Rand, and Oogie Boogie.)
11.23.2001
*sigh* Off to the family gathering, and I'm running late. This reminds me of this one time that Ryan had drill, and we decided to have sex in the morning anyway... so he was late, and tried to slip into formation unnoticed. The guy next to him said, 'I know why you're late... you rolled over on the old lady this morning, didn't you?' Ryan came home and said, 'How did he know?!'
11.24.2001
"Oh blood is thicker than water all right! But water doesn't leave a scab on the scars that are never gonna heal." ~Home Alive
Visiting with my family was interesting as usual. My roommate fit in quite well, my mother said he was 'very cute' and they /all/ said he was wonderful for putting up with them, let alone me. All in all, it was 10 hours in the car, and a fairly pleasant visit.
Footprints
hrm... I'll come back to this idea.
11.25.2001
dictionary.com
bohemian \Bo*he"mi*an\,
n.
1. A native of Bohemia.
2.
a. A restless vagabond; -- originally, an idle stroller or gypsy (as in France) thought to have come from Bohemia; in later times often applied to an adventurer in art or literature, of irregular, unconventional habits, questionable tastes, or free morals. [Modern]
Note: In this sense from the French boh['e]mien, a gypsy; also, a person of irregular habits.
b. A person with artistic or literary interests who disregards conventional standards of behavior.
3. "So how do you like ALL THOSE FUCKING MUD HIPPIES in Seattle?" ~ Squal
lyrics
debating on putting up a section of just songs I appreciate. perhaps.
Now the race is on and here comes pride up the back stretch
Heartaches are going to the inside
My tears are holding back, trying not to fall
My heart's out of the running
True love's scratched for another's sake
The race is on and it looks like heartaches
And the winner loses all
[covered by Sawyer Brown]
Email of the day:
subject: Rants and a need to express our sleeves (I actually misspelled ourselves originally but like the outcome better)
HmmmmmE
As said by most over-(or under however your perspective places it) [ editor's note: oversexed adj : having excessive sexual desire or appeal ] sexed males that are searching for the �gcoolEfems on the web, I saw your ad in AFF and had to take a look. Dude, are you this cool? I so rarely find a member of the opposite sex which isn�ft so psychotic that she requires a heavy Thorazine drip that I really don�ft believe my eyes when I do. So I ask again, Dude, are you this cool? [ editor's note: probably not. ] With that out of the way I now commence to rant (essentially a way for me to purge all those pent up emotions from trying to be nice all day long).
What is up with these co-dependant, umbrella-shoved-up-the-ass-and-opened, I-know-I�fm-attractive-so-why-would-I-ever-speak-to-you females that feel my existence is merely there to easy the pain of their dull un-imaginative lives. I spent 30 minutes (time I will definitely never get back) getting the sob story of exceptionally attractive Southeast Asian woman who cut my hair. Sometimes someone just needs to rudely say, �gDo you think I care?E I mean my job in life is not to be the emotional Jiminy Cricket for the legions of moronic females out there. I am having enough of problem just being able to slay the dragons at my doorstep and now you want me to come and slay yours? Think again sister. You�fve seen that sign, I have only one nerve left today and now you�fre on it. Well guess what, I�fm there baby. I�fve built a mansion. I�fve ridden the ride, I wrote the book. That�fs it I�fve had it. No more discussions with E
�git�fs going to be alrightE
�gyes, you shouldn�ft date right now, you should work on your self-esteemE
�gwell how did that make you feel, (yes, it has been said too many times, mostly to bawling fems who have no clue)E
God, this stuff drives me bonkers. I keep looking into the mirror looking to see if I have a sign on my forehead that says, �gYes I�fm Safe. Please tell me your sad tale so you can feel better.E What they don�ft realize is I�fm spending this whole time trying to figure out how fast I can get away from them and at the same time figuring how fast I can get in their pants. [ editor's note: "'Doctor, I feel so-' 'Shut the fuck up! NEXT!'... Shut the Fuck Up, a new book by DOCTOR Dennis Leary." ~ Dennis Leary ]
Point of Advice: To all Men: If a woman ever starts a conversation with, �gI�fve made a bad decision,Efind somewhere else to be, and fast!
Wow! Dude, I have got to stop listening to the Wedding Present for longer than an hour. It tends to bring out the mischocsdjflaksjdf (anti-women, I can�ft remember how to spell the word) [ editor's note: misogynistic ] tendencies. Imagine listening to music with the theme, �gyou stomped on my heart and now I hate you,Efor over an hour?
HmmmmmE I�fm thinking of one word can anyone guess what it is? Yes, that�fs right its therapy. Yes, definitely Jeff needs the therapy that he has proscribed for the opposite sex.
DOCTOR!! Give me a 10cc per hr drip of Thorazine stat! That should take me out of circulation long enough for me to get that rest I so un-richly deserve.
{circa 1 ½ hour later}
Now that I look back at what I�fve written I can tell E
1) I really need to take a basic writing course and
2) I need to start up my web site again, it was keeping sane
IF you have gotten to this point and you are still sane and still think I am as well, cool. As that I have read your entire site, (yes, I was bored but I wasn�ft feeling to good so I stayed in tonight) I see you get a lot of response from your AFF post so if I don�ft hear from you its no biggie but, hey if you can write me back and tell me just what a total nut I am.
See ya, hope you are having fun @ DDR!
Jeff
Current Meatspace Coordinates: Fuck if I know, like you would care at all :}
Current CyberSpace Coordinates: Lost, but I know I should�fve taken that left at Albuquerque.
Affinity
Maybe people in Seattle are more affectionate/intimate than we are out on the east coast.
Homesickness?
Sometimes I feel really out of place here.
11.28.2001
Music soothes...
I say:
precious little angel
won't you spread your light on me
I was locked up in the darkness
now you've come to set me free
I was covered up with sadness
I was drowned in my own tears
I was cynical and twisted
I've been bitter all these years
He says:
Wow
He says:
that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me
I say:
had to go looking for the song to get the lyrics right
He says:
*sniff* now I'm all veclempt
I say:
lol
11.29.2001
Email of the day:
subject: Green Turnips and My Capricious need for donuts
Yes, after I wrote the last one, and I have seen it (and the editor�fs comments) up on you site, I have decided to respond; or actually just write a new one. For no better reason than I�fm not tired yet and have nothing else better to do at 1AM in the morning. (I am an insomniac.) [ editor's note: so am i. "when you have insomnia, everything is a copy of a copy of a copy..." but tall mochas help on those weary mornings. ]BTW EI love the Denis Leary comment. I have that CD. It rocks.
I bet you and anyone else who saw my last mail probably thinks I am a total head case but, I�fm not. [ editor's note: I don't think he is a total head case. I am just really good at finding boys who say, 'I used to put women on pedestals... but NO MORE! right before we decide to date. ] I�fm just someone who is incredibly frustrated at the whole singles scene. I have gotten over my romantic notions on how these things should be. Now, I am just confused as to where to go now. How hard is it to find someone who just wants to have fun? I mean, is that so difficult? I have always been lead to believe that women always had a harder time dealing with sex than guys (yes, I understand it�fs a stereotype but, hey most girls/adult females don�ft want anything to do with you unless you look like Tyson Bedford, are charming like Robert Redford, and have the social graces of Sean Connery. [ editor's note: Tyson who? Robert Redford makes me think of Clinton *shudder* and Sean Connery... well, I never thought that much of him. I prefer Jeremy Irons(die hard, damage), Bruce Willis (die hard), John Malkovich, and (of course) Jim Carrey. ] If you don�ft possess these qualities to a certain degree then you are shit out of luck. Personally I look like Jim Carrey, [ editor's note: what an amazing coincidence! ] am about as charming as Bert [ editor's note: make sure you check out BERT IS EVIL ] and Ernie on acid, and have the social graces of a two-by-four.). But, now I have begun to understand what the problem is. Perception (and also the fact that I need more donuts). {writer�fs note: Yes I know this sentence isn�ft correct but, I like it the way it is. Besides who says everything I write needs to be perfectly spelled with Mrs. Johnston�fs perfect grammar and punctuation.} [ editor's note: I do. I am the Grammar Nazi. ] This is where the green turnips come in. Well green turnips are my names for all the girls I meet and immediately dismiss me due to some perceived lack on my part. I am out to have fun. If you want to join, fantastic! If you don�ft hey, you probably like sitting there looking miserable. I bet your supposed perfect boyfriend is out hitting on the next piece of fine ass to put another notch on his belt. Oh, yes, who says that if you agree to a cup of coffee that that automatically leads to sex? Dude, sometimes a cup of coffee is just that, a cup of coffee. Most of the time all a cup of coffee really means is someone saying [']hey, I think you seem cool, are you really?[']
But like Dennis Miller this is just my opinion, I could be wrong. Who knows maybe, just maybe I�fm actually right. Or maybe I�fm just blathering on like so[me] sun-crazed weirdo with absolutely no idea as to what I am saying.
Now I am tired. Tell me what you think. I am off to my hammock. [ editor's thoughts: Let's get a cup of coffee and fuck. ;) ]
-Jeff
Current MeatSpace Coordinates: Somewhere north of the equator and somewhere west of the International Date Line.
Current CyberSpace Coordinates: I think I�fm stuck in a holding pattern around MSN.com and Yahoo.com
PS- One of these days I will need to proof these things before I send them. Naw. I like them raw. -J
11.30.2001
Dot Bomb
Got laid off today. 'Nuff said.
AIM bit of the day:
me: uh huh My Ex: ok then My Ex: got nothing to say ta me, huh My Ex: must be too busy i-sexing it up with some new loser... sigh... you'll never learn
Where was I? I was in the kitchen, chatting with my roommates and eating dinner. *laughs maniacally*
12.03.2001
Incorrigible
So... A friend of mine was in the area this weekend, thus a pleasant change from the typical routine was in order. Found a new game store, hung out there for most of Sunday, played "Booster Wars" with Warlord (I beat the game designer, go me! ;)) [For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, you open a booster, throw down the characters, and duke it out. It's not necessarily based on skill.]
There is something to be said for having sex on business trips and the like. "Je ne sais quois"... There was something so intimate and unsettling about this weekend. It's all me, that's without doubt... but what is up for discussion is why I might have [interrupted but continued on 12-5] hmmm not quite sure where I was going with this. Why would I have felt such a desire to come [run?] home? Why did I care so much if this bothered you? And dear god, WHY did I make it so abundantly clear to you that you are the most important person in my life? Maybe what Ted said is right... I have a wonderful situation and all I do is spurn you. Perhaps that is what is weighing on me. I'm trying to run, but you are not letting me, and now that I have accepted that I won't be able to as easily as I had hoped? expected? not really wanted? I guess I just want to make up for it... To make you feel like you are at the top of my priorities list. While I try to keep myself a notch above you.
Something definitely changes when you are confronted on your own turf. (Not that Seattle really feels like my turf yet) It's one thing to flirt and mess around when it's not your backyard... there is something drastically different between an aquaintance you see a few times a year and have fun with and someone who has truly become one of your friends. And it's eerie, yet wonderful. Does this make /any/ sense? Though I'm sure my weekend was troubled just because I'm usually a wreck while I'm suffering the female curse and frankly though I enjoy sex while on the rag, it really does put a damper on my on sexuality. I feel weird about having sex with someone (esp if it's not a regular thing).
12.05.2001
Ennui.
Another unflattering DDR action shot of me and Julz.
love (lv)
n.
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
What is it? Other than a chemical reaction in your brain? Or is it just the comfortable feeling you get with someone who is important to you, that you feel a strong affinity with, and [if you're lucky] have incredible sex with?
in love adj : marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness; "she was crazy about him"; "gaga over the rock group's new album"; "he was infatuated with her"
[syn: crazy, dotty, gaga, enamored, infatuated, smitten, soft on(p), taken with(p)]
Source: WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University
So obviously Princeton agrees with me, "in love" is infatuation.
infatuation n
1: foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration
2: temporary love of an adolescent [syn: puppy love, calf love, crush]
3: an object of extravagant short-lived passion
So... it seems to me that we can say... being 'in love' is just infatuation, which is a short-lived experience of passion to the nth degree... and it fades away, and what you're left with is... love? That comfortable feeling? Is that enough for most people? Or are they left feeling like they have missed out on something?
If you can find someone that you can live with, be comfortable with, share your thoughts and dreams, and yes, have sex... And you're happy... chances are - THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS!
I don't think I'm being cynical.
mark up
To deface by covering with marks.
hickey
A reddish mark on the skin caused by amorous kissing, biting, or sucking.
I am not amused by the two of you. I have huge, dark hickeys all over my neck. I admit, the antics that led to said marks were definitely worth it, but... I am of the opinion that hickey are like a sign of ownership. (As well as particularly tasteless.) So make up your mind before you put any more of them on my skin [esp in obvious places!]... Are you trying to make it obvious that someone is intimate with me? If so, why? You have made it abundantly clear that you do not see me as anything other/something more than a friend you sleep with.
focus on breathing
I thought I should mention this. "And as the radiation fog rolled in, thicker than concrete(!) we shared identical disillusioned outlooks on our faces." Though I am ranting about the weekend and sideline issues... at the root of it all... it was so intense, I /screamed/. I almost cried DURING an orgasm. I lost control over myself. 'I prop myself up and look at him in wonderment. "Wow," I breathe.' Thank you for yet another memory.
I say:
oh yeah. I like you. a lot
You say:
*g* good. I love you
You say:
and I also happen to like you quite a bit as well
I say:
you're making me reconsider what I was just typing
I say:
damn you
You say:
what were you typing?
I say:
I was trying to figure out a good heading for it... but "Do I remove the word 'love' from my vocabulary as it is just a nuisance and resort to telling people only that I like them (to varying degrees)? Would this be a suitable recourse?
You say:
perhaps
I go back to the first definition:
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
affinity. I love you.
12.06.2001
Not that Different
Am I really that different in person than I am on my site? It was suggested to me last night that I am. Thoughts?
If you don't take the risk...
You say I am quickly becoming one of your best friends. This is good, as you have definitely become one of mine. This scares me. Last night someone said to me that I build up my walls and then never let anyone in, and therefore I am going to not let in the person who really should be let in, and I'll miss out on something really great. I say, 'if you don't take the risk, you don't get the fairy tale'... but I don't follow my own advice. Every day I look at the tattoo on my ankle and I remind myself of that last wall, and make sure I reinforce it. 'If not, how will I pay the masons?' How will I know who that person is? I want to let you in, but I am afraid. If we both know you will hurt me, why should I make it worse by letting you in?
Rules
I had/have so much time to decide rules on relationships. What to avoid when dating someone, or choosing a prospective emotional partner. I have broken so many of those to be with you, and I am unsure of whether or not that you are the exception or if said rules just don't make sense, even though I developed them through trial and error... the scientific method, as it were. Do I break another one and let you in? That one's just a short step away from a full blown emotional attachment... do I want to do this to you? to me? Cake comes to mind... "perhaps, perhaps, perhaps..."
"for what it's worth, it was worth all the while" ~Green Day
literary reference
"It was a woman getting raped, and here were two girls urging me to let it proceed. They should have protested more vehemently than I did-but they were more realistic than I was. A man fights, a woman compromises: It was true in this microcosm as in the macrocosm."
"I was sorry the moment I said it, but Helse only smiled. She had learned to accommodate my moods."
"And you-you told me you loved me just to keep me quiet! You're a woman too!"
"I'm a woman too," she agreed.
I was perversely furious at her, but I loved her too, and may for much of the same reason. "And will you do what you did before, just to keep me quiet? Will you give me your body, and pretend to like it?"
"Yes."
"Oh damn!" I cried, and then it was literally crying, the tears flooding from my eyes. Helse held me and comforted me, and in time we did make love, and she had the grace not to profess love, only caring, and it was wonderful. I couldn't accept what she was doing, in one part of my conscience, but in another part I knew it had to be and that I couldn't live without her. So I accepted what had to be accepted: her sacrifice, and mine.
~Bio of a Space Tyrant
Piers Anthony
12.09.2001
Instructional Failure
So last night, you made me scream, almost cry, and this morning I awoke STILL feeling like an epileptic. This has never happened to me before. And you say that I am a failure as a teacher. Perhaps I am. It is so rare to find a boy who can send me over the edge... so rare to have that kind of trust, that level of comfort or comfortableness with someone else, let alone myself.
So I suppose the question is... what can we teach eachother? You are teaching me a lot about myself, in your way... I am evolving again, molding myself more into what I want to be, becoming more accepting of who I am underneath the facade. "Free your mind"... and trust someone. You have gotten through so many of my defenses in such a short period of time. It terrifies me.
I thought I had done a fair job, as I am now having some of the best sex of my life, and that frankly... If you ape me, you'll be doing what so many women want. You said, "What, to have their dick sucked?" I replied, "No, to have that kind of attention paid to them." You seem to feel that since you do 'all the work' during sex, that precludes you from having to do anything in the realm of foreplay.
You're wrong.
And women /do/ want their 'dick' sucked. [ editor's note: in case of confusion... look into why the sex of a fetus cannot be determined until late in the 2nd trimester. ;) ]
http://www.cheapassgames.com
BRAWL!! 'nuff said.
Ok, so MAYBE the Sales Manager for Cheapass Games is my roommate, Julz. But who cares? This game kicks ass. Seriously. Try it out. It's worth it.
Speaking of games...
http://www.sabertoothgames.com/ ... go there. try out the Warhammer 40k CCG. It's pretty damn spiffy. (My roommate, Carew is an intern there.)
MND
Magi-Nation Duel. http://www.magi-nation.com/duel check out this game, while you're at it. (the lead designer is my roommate, Tibbles.)
Yes, my roommates are a wonderful cross section of kick ass game companies' employees. So I get to see lots of great stuff. Now get out there and play Brawl! ;)
"Is there a polite way to tell someone that theres a reason youre a thousand miles away :-)" ~Alan
Lyrical Genius
Great lyrics from the Descendents' latest album can be found here.
"She meant everything to me, she meant every word she said..."
~She's My Ex, Descendents
A song suggestive of who I am?
"Tired Of Sex" ~ Weezer
i'm tired, so tired
i'm tired of having sex (so tired)
i'm spread, so thin
i don't know who i am (who i am)
monday night i'm making jen
tuesday night i'm making lin
wednesday night i'm making catherine
so why can't i be making love come true?
i'm beat, beat red
ashamed of what i said
(what i said)
i'm sorry, do not go
i know i'm a sinner but i can't say no (say no)
thursday night i'm making denise
friday night i'm making therese
saturday night i'm making louise
so why can't i be making love come true?
whatcha gonna do?
tonight i'm down on my knees
tonight i'm begging you please
tonight tonight so please
so why can't i be making love come true?
12.11.2001
Nocturnal emissions ;)
So... what I remember of my dream last night... You and I were taking a shortcut through someone's backyard, which we had done just a short while before, only this time we were carrying a bicycle. This shortcut involved climbing over a deck, that had a ladder type way down... I was trying to hear what you were saying about how to move the bike, "I can't hear you, the music is too loud!" when I realized you were really upset. I tried to put the bike down so that I could hold you, but you wanted to get out of this random person's backyard. So we lowered the bike and then stood there in eachother's arms. Then I woke up, and when I tried to tell you about the dream, you said, 'I can't hear what you're saying.' Because the music was too loud.
For the first time?
You put your head on my shoulder and kind of cuddled with me... it was really nice, and I think that was what tripped off me dreaming about you needing comfort. I think one of the moments my ex really hit me like a ton of bricks was when he put his head on my chest and wrapped himself around me so that I could be there for him... to comfort HIM. Yes, I am a Heinlein girl. Yes, I am probably Friday. And yes, I like Manson's "User Friendly" and NIN's "Ringfinger"... I forget sometimes (though I enunciate it frequently enough) that men are horribly fragile. Doesn't everyone need to be comforted at some point? Isn't it natural/normal to need someone else? Sometimes I think you just don't want to be cared about. [ editor's note: see "She Loves Me" by the Descendents. ] So if you need to be comforted, just let me know. That was what I used to be good at. *sardonic laughter*
12.12.2001
Run mode
You say that I, you, or life/time will convince me that you really do want me around. I just cannot seem to wrap my mind around the concept, and I realized I am still trying to run away from you. You are right, my chance to truly run from you was long before now, long before I realized it was happening. And that makes me feel stupid, yet loved.
Or wanted? It's one thing to be loved and cared about, it's another to be wanted. To feel that someone desires your company. To feel that you are important to someone else. I need to feel like I matter.
"It has everything to do with right now."
email of the day:
Hello Jess,
Glad you are getting some excitement, kinda wish I was there (I am good with my hands, I am told). After several months, I finally figured out that your email handle didn't mean that you were down on yourself. [ editor's note: whatever gave you that idea? I am the President of the Self-Loathers Club. ]
If I ever get out there, I'll have to look you up..and down.
-r
12.19.2001
amusement
spaced penguin
weakness
I think I'm just going to sit here and cry.
three little words
Amazing. Of the few you spoke to me, which included 'No, you don't need to wash the sheets' but didn't include 'hello' or 'did you get much sleep on the couch' or even 'I have a lot of shit to do today, so I plan to shut myself up in my room for the entire day and not speak to you or anyone else with the exception of curt phrases.' So I leave you alone, ask you only a few things, including, 'Want one?' holding up the cherry cordials I bought while I was out (ANYWHERE BUT NOT HERE) and 'where's the broom?' Amazing. The broom question actually got a response that wasn't laced with 'leave me the fuck alone.' I'm on yet another angry cleaning binge when you 'have visitors.' You come out of your cave, look at me and say... 'see you later.'
Only this, and nothing more.
misanthrope
So I never liked people touching me when I was growing up. At least, not that I remember. My friend Crystal spent a year or two getting me to a point where I'd hug her every time I saw her. (We went to school together, so this was fairly common occurrence.) Today I was so upset that I was cleaning, and contemplating my violent nature. At this moment I really want nothing more than to watch your lips turn blue while I throttle you. Or maybe I just want you to come home, tell me you're sorry and that I matter. Or make some sort of physical contact. Hug me. Touch my arm when you leave. Or something. I don't even know myself. But either way, I wanted to punch something really badly. A wall would suffice, and I'm relatively sure that would provide me at least temporary peace. Temporary is the key word here, as I would then be upset at myself for giving in to my more base nature. I won't say that violence never solved anything... but it's just a physical release... just like bawling my eyes out in front of the computer by myself is a physical release of emotion. Right now I don't want anyone touching me. Especially not rubbing my shoulders or back trying to comfort me/make me feel better... that just serves as a reminder that I'm upset because the one person in my life right now that I would really want to do that is not available. Well, one of a couple, I suppose. My friend Ray can almost always get around that 'don't touch me' attitude, and I love him for it. Ray, Adam... I miss you guys so much.
Is it better to cry alone or on someone else's shoulder?
Does this form of catharsis count as crying on someone else's shoulder?
bad candy
*laughs* Someone said I am really good for you. Somehow I feel like a failure.
12.20.2001
IM of the day
Jess?
In case you are wondering the reason I'm messaging you, I'll tell you: I recently came across your ad on AFF. It looked interesting so I checked out your website. Your site had your email, so hence, MSN name. I also noticed how deep a person you are, I damn near cried reading your posts on the index page.
irrational emotions [redundancy]
So I tell you that you should be glad I'm looking at a job that is 80% travel because then I'll be out of your hair, and you look upset and say, 'whenever did I give you THAT idea?' [paraphrasing] I want you here. I like having you around. Then you commented on the fact that there isn't a woman out there who doesn't need to be reassured. I laughed, and debated on pointing out to you why I wasn't that girl right now. I don't need constant reassurance when I am certain of my /relationship/. However, I have felt that we are going day to day or even moment to moment... That does not make me feel very comfortable. Christ, you won't even call it a 'relationship'! [ "'Honey, could you pass the salt inasmuch as we're in a relationship?'" ~ Dave Barry ] If I am certain that I am the 'significant other' (at least for the foreseeable future) then I cease to concern myself with it. You can shut me out for days on end and I won't care... but tell me you want to sleep alone and then shut me out when I don't feel that we have anything that won't change tomorrow... and be prepared for me to freak out on you. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't needing space myself and feel like I cannot get a moment alone in this house and of course, if I wasn't being totally irrational because I'm pms'ing (again?!)... I laugh to think that you didn't consider that I am so easily manipulated that just a simple gesture would have made a difference, or most easily done, GET IN THE SHOWER... chances are I will stop whatever I'm doing to frolick in the hot water with you, and any issues I am having are at least temporarily whisked away while I just enjoy the closeness of it. *opens blinds to let sunlight in* Then again, maybe I'm just depressed. God knows my bipolar does have a tendency to get away from me from time to time.
unemployment woes
So I have spent the past 90 minutes on hold or talking to someone in either MA or WA about unemployment and how to get benefits here. It's becoming a total fucking nightmare. Amazingly enough, for the first time in 2 months I was able to get THROUGH to someone in the WA unemployment office, but they're so damn busy that this poor woman I'm talking to cannot get ahold of her supervisor or anyone else to ask them what to do about my situation. And yes, I realize that my situation is complicated, moreso now that I have worked in both states. *sighs heavily* However, she did comment that I type 'really fast' as she could hear me in the background of the phone. Heh. [ later ] Hell yes, they called me back, now tomorrow I should be fine. 3 or 4 hours on the phone and some more tomorrow and I may finally have unemployment benefits. Christ almighty.
12.22.2001
aim bits
my ex: some Addam's Family game where you grab the handles and they start vibrating ultra fast giving it the sensation of an electric shock
me: saw Fight Club on the big screen last night. That was awesome. very weird noticing all the flickers of Brad Pitt
me: yeah, that game is lame.
me: the challege is to see how long you can hold on while the pain increases
me: pain? bah
my ex: you have seen it?
my ex: is it weak?
me: it just vibrates. It's an itty bitty shock that you don't actually feel just to make sure you maintain contact
my ex: food is here
me: yeah, it's weak. you'll see if you try it. :-)
my ex: ah
me: ok, you go chow. *hugs*
my ex: damn
me: it's more pornographic than anything else
my ex: I was hoping to impress the world by holding on while the lights dimmed in the entire mall from the amount of power the thing was generating trying to throw me ;-)
me: heh
me: That sounds like you
my ex: dating anyone yet?
me: not yet, but the bartender from the bar last night called me right away (like 3:30 am in fact)
my ex: heh
my ex: sounds like he hasn't gotten any in a while
my ex: hehe
my ex: (no offense, just being silly)
me: yeah, that's about what I thought
me: I was like, 'um. WTF?'
my ex: how's, um, yer weight doing since you moved to Seattle?
me: And it's kind of suprising, all the females in my group were like 'wow, that is one HOT bartender!' Brian is an 'arborist' who does PR for the dept that cuts down branches/trees around power lines
me: losing quite a bit
my ex: bartender/arborist?
me: yeah, he bartends one night a week
-You know what you can do for me?
-Love you?
-Well, that too...
-Good, 'cause I already do.
-Now stop trying to confuse me when I'm asking you to dry the dishes for me.
12.25.2001
Capitalism Day. Spent some time with my roommate's parents. They're... interesting. More on this later. Suffice to say that it's 10:13 and I'm doing shots of 151.
3:55 am
wooooooooooooo........ ok... I have had a bit to drink, and played a new version of JENGA... one that involves truth or dare. It was amusing, to say the least. I'm glad that I was already inebriated to play it, I don't know that I would have been so gung ho if I was sober. In the meantime, I took a few great 'candid' photos of my roommate in the shower/bathroom that I will post up shortly. Perhaps tomorrow. They're great, trust me. [ editor's note: so great that one may have to have a caption, even. ] ok, just a little drunk. ok, perhaps more than a little. But I'm feeling pretty damn good right about now, even if my typing is slowed down considerably.
hmmm... perhaps now would not be the best time to be writing here, as I am not exactly cognizant of what I am typing, and have tried to practice a policy of 'what you write is what people get' instead of deleting shit after the fact. With that in mind, I will call it a night and get some rest. Happy Capitalism Day and all that happy horseshit.
12.28.2001
5:45am
Insomnia.
Bitterness
my ex: "Some of you may be asking: what about Special Forces? After all, that was my main objective right after September 11th. While I'd still like to go that way, I may have to pass. I don't know if I can bring myself to leave Tina (the girl I've been seeing) for the requisite two-plus years it would take to become SF qualified.
Tina is amazing. She's beautiful, funny, smart, self-reliant, practical, sweet-as-sugar. EVERYTHING. I feel damn lucky to have met her. She's the type of girl that makes you reconsider your direction and options. I have little doubt that she will make me happy for a long, long time."
Let me qualify here. I'm not bitter that he met someone great. I'm bitter that he is reconsidering his options and deciding not to leave for 2 years because she's so great. That stings like a bitch, and I have little doubt that he realizes it. Sometimes he is really adept at driving home the point that I wasn't right for him.
 |
Speaking of bitterness... I was tempted to caption the main photo of my roommate with his ex's suggestion: "Why I left my ex" though it would be spiteful and wholly untrue... so I think it is best captioned with... "You." |
01.03.2002
email of the day
I found your geocities Web site, and you are fascinating. You are not only beautiful, but intriguing. [ editor's note: you sir, are mysterious and intriguing. ]
Spark.com's test suggests I will have 89 more lovers in my life. I better get crackin'! ;)
On that same note... I was 23% on the purity test.
However, those idiots are 86% sure that I am a man.
aim bits
you know I think the poetry is actually very beautiful. You have more depth than I had given you credit for (hope that doesn't sound like an insult...)
me: relationships are hard
dawg: no. they suck.
scribblings
watching the sun rise
sitting on the porch steps
cigarette held in two fingers
pen clutched in the other hand
inhale smoke as a car speeds
by and birds caw overhead
Oed sits in the window
a silent observer of my ineptitude
pause to crack my neck
take another drag
and observe the stillness
the smoke floats away on a cool morning breeze
a student in a letterman's jacket meanders
by on the sidewalk
wearing a hat but no gloves
my tongue plays incessantly with my broken tooth
I toss my cigarette down the steps
only to light another
my main defense against the world
the smoke is harsh, as is the air
I shiver against the metal railling
I see the smoke dissipate and think
of love
such a fleeting experience
our lives are governed by concepts
I would tell you of my dreams
but they would only be bastardized
by your own preceptions
language is so limiting
I want to speak to you
but I am mute in my desperation
I feel powerless, impotent
But I take off my clothes and I curl up
next to you and I bask in your warmth
so I can pretend...
You tell me I'm an evil bitch
because I came to bed but didn't
stay there in your arms
I chose to cry on the porch steps
alone in the early morning light
why should I keep you awake
with tears I shed for you?
01.08.2002
twitterpation?
People keep asking me if I'm in love with you. There seems to be a general consensus that no one would put up with your shit without being 'hopelessly head over heels' or some such nonesense. Am I "in love"? Do I consider this a bullshit concept? Am I just practicing transference? Are you?
Remember what I said: "What is it? Other than a chemical reaction in your brain? Or is it just the comfortable feeling you get with someone who is important to you, that you feel a strong affinity with, and [if you're lucky] have incredible sex with?" That's how I define love. So I suppose one could say that (if nothing else) I love you. But that much is a given, no?
Is the reason that you want me to voice my feelings for you when you're conscious that you enjoy hearing it? Does it give you some sense of balance, of 'everything is right in the world' or maybe it just comforts you to know that someone cares very deeply for you. Either way, there is safety in your unconsciousness that opens doors for me and unlocks my voice and lets me tell you what I think I feel. These days I don't know what my own feelings are anymore, I find myself second guessing and nitpicking my own 'feelings' ... [ side note: random song on at the moment - So Complicated ]
[later, listening to Crawling by Linkin Park]
And due to such second guessing... semantic network jump - my ex once said to me, 'you don't love me anymore, and if you just think about it long enough you'll realize I'm right.' This did nothing for me but cause me to second guess what I thought was solid ground. If you think about it long enough, you can convince yourself of anything. As I have said before: Sometimes I want to hate you. Sometimes I'm afraid that I don't. If we sit around and "discuss" my feelings for you, not only will they change over time, but right now they're so muddled I couldn't even be sure that I am telling you the facts, rather than just the truth. (yes, there is a subtle difference, give it some thought.) If it came down to it, I know myself well enough to know that I could nitpick my own happiness and rip it to shreds in the light of 'reason' and 'turn off' my emotions and ... run away. [ sometimes - erasure ] So knowing this... I can either have a philosophical conversation with you about possible emotions that I may be feeling, weird emotional attachments I may be attempting to deconstruct, and whatever else comes to mind... but it does shape what I am feeling, as your attitude toward it will assist my unconscious to adapt more into what would be a suitable emotional state. I don't consider myself your 'lap dog' or your 'kitten' that is at your beck and call... but let's face it... with you, it's easier to be that way... to go with the flow of your mood swings, be around when you need me and elsewhere when you don't.
tangent
So is this OUR room or YOUR room? I know that I keep my clothes in here, we sleep on my sheets, let alone that we both sleep in here, but still... and you say it is OUR ROOM like I am supposed to know that... *sighs heavily* I guess in a way, it made me feel very ... comfortable to hear you say that, but at the same time, bewildered. If that makes any sense.
food.
as I was preparing my 'pasta and sauce' this occurred to me: It's much like how I felt about my friend's ex. I thought she was acting like a petty bitch, and therefore I didn't like her. But he and many others were like, 'but you don't know the good things, why she's so important to me' etc. etc... They all claimed she was really great. That's kind of like you, I think... the good things outweigh the bad. Life is about settling. You can't have it all. That's a lesson most people need to learn.
aim bits
vio: So...are you working?
me: not yet
vio: Me neither!!
vio: Isn't it grand!!
steve: it's too early, go back to bed.
[later]
steve: you back in bed yet?
me: nope
steve: insubordinate...
steve: this won't look good on your record
me: you dere?
steve: yeah...
steve: http://www.seattlestarwars.com/
me: fucking losers!
me: danny and I are curious how the meeting went
steve: that's what I said
steve: we haven't had the fucking thing yet!
steve: I've been sitting around all fucking day
me: fucking fucking fuck
steve: you wanted us to come home?
me: tubsaur: we miss your sexy body, steve
steve: I'm sorry, i just went preemptively blind. i couldn't read that
me: tubx0r: we miss your sexy body, steve!
steve: yeah, i still can't see
me: too bad, you might miss seeing me in the shower then.
steve: was that Danny?
me: yes... um... no
me: ;-)
steve: errr... ack?
me: you know you love me
steve: not offering a sensical response until I am sure of who I'm talking to
steve: so: gaaah-splook
me: it's jess
me: silly
steve: ah: now the other question: Do I believe you?
me: yes.
me: no wait
me: no
steve: see what I mean?
me: no
steve: ex-actly
Jeff says:
Hey, I just got done reading your latest update to your site. It seems intriguing but for some reason I don't find your definition to be accurate. Given my own attempts I might not be the ultimate (nor would I say I am) authority in this arena. But, I do feel it goes beyond a mutual admiration, sex, and the wilingness to voice one's feelings. I could do that with one of my male friends (for the exception of the sex part, unless I was experimenting and they were gay).
01.10.2002
d&d stats
Str: 7
Int: 11
Wis: 15
Dex: 10
Con: 9
Chr: 18
take the test yourself.
spark says I'm 55% bitch. Steve says: "That's it? I would have expected it to be higher."
01.15.2002
aim bits
crodog: course, i just broke up with yet ANOTHER woman!!! (my life is passing before my eyes!!)
crodog: walked in on her w/her ex-boyfriend in bed....(why did she give me her keys?)
Organized Play?
Had a great meeting today with Cheapass Games (James Ernest, Joyce and Julz) in Tully's. May give me something to do with my free time other than read and smoke cigarettes. I've been just a /little/ bored. ;)
J.P.: "Maybe by being happy I'm proving my ignorance."
spark.com death test results:
You can expect to die on:
September 19, 2040
at the age of 62 years old.
On that date you will most likely die from:
Cancer (28%)
Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation (8%)
Alcoholism (8%)
Alien Abduction (7%)
Heart Attack (6%)
Loneliness (6%)
Suicide (6%)
Alan: the sad thing is that im not surprised by the percentage you will die from autoerotic asphyxiation.
me: yeah, to be honest, it sounds like a good way to go.
01.18.2002
i can't think of a good title
subject: Hello gorgeous one
Hey Jess,
Just been looking at your web page. Made me miss you. I liked it. Was like old times. (Are they really old times already?)
I've been all over the world these last few weeks. Would be nice to catch up, if you can. IM me?
Wishes
all I can think to respond with: I wish I didn't know the truth.
01.21.2002
everyone needs to read this. It's a cartoon drawn by Marike about our D&D campaign. Yes, my character is that fat ugly half-orc. *grin* Shteevie: "That's how we know you're roleplaying! Your /character/ wears a bra!"
me: I suppose I should take a shower.
steve: you could wait for one of the two of us.
me: lol
steve: that came out wrong.
subject: Look ma, another unread message!
The following rambling discourse has been brought to you by:
Sleep Deprivation! Non chemically generated hallucinations at their best!
Pez! If only hardwood floors really tasted that good!
A desire to get to know an intelligent and attractive lady such as yourself! When the you can no longer stand the presence of the empty midevil torture device known as a bed, and the cats begin speaking in tongues, it's time to email Jess!
Well, third time's a charm, in theory. Or at least in rumor. Urban legend? Well, at any rate, I seem to have developed this rather compeling urge to get to know you, thus the repeat demonstration of my lack of social graces. On the other hand, my apparant case of social Ebola doesn't look to be improving.
On a whim, I took a look at your site again, grabbing he link from AFF of course. Don't know why it didn't occur to me to try the index page previously. Insert vain hope that the prevous emials were part of the glut of unread messages that one would guess you recieve. I mean hell, if not, that means there was a conscious effort to bypass my non-sensical ravings in favor of other non-sensical ravings. Hmm, I'll have to remember to put some more duct tape on my ego...the damn thing's falling apart.
The cat has taken up residence among my clean socks...so much for them being clean socks. Bah.
Games..mmm..tastey. Haven't run in the AD&D system in years. Have been playing ina GURPS based system...more a BURPS system really (Bastardized Universal RPS). Don't think there are any of the original GURPS rules still in place. Gotta love those home-brew RPGs. Well, on second glance, you don't have to love them...they tend to be a cast iron pain in the arse.
Social Ebola. Gotta love it. For some odd reason, I seem to have a rather interesting social tendency of inspiring people to get as far away as possible. Hmm, could be some odd type of gravitational field, I suppose, though I don't have the mass to suport that sort of thing. Odd. I still think social Ebola is the most likely explanation.
Ramble, ramble, ramble.
She turned me into a Newt!
A Newt?
Well, I got better...
WEnt by my old job yesterday...visit the few remaining veterans of my time there. Wierd walking into the place, and being instantly recognized by people that I've never met before. I guess my infamy really does live on. Ph34r my 1337 modem powers!
Bwahahahahahaha <----maniacal laughter.
Damn, that's sad...my most indellible mark on the world, is a persistent legend of a guy with a baseball bat, threatening people with large quantities of bodily harm if they didn't tech the call correctly. I'm thinking I need to go downtown and become a doomsday prophet. Run around screaming about the end of the world. At least it would be a bit more interesting legacy.
The End is Near!
No, Really it is!
What, don't I look sincere?
Oh come on people, I wouldn't lie to you!
I'm Serious!
Ok, fine, don't believe me. Spend your final days in this world going about your life as if nothing was wrong. As if you all weren't about to become a damp stain on a piece of floating orbital rubble.
Not quite what it's cracked up to be, eh?
Dig it.
Brett
[ editor's note: email address removed to protect the innocent. ;) ]
You know...it'd be nice to get a response...gee, it'd be just plain swell...it would approach being damn cool...after all, it's been a good 4 months since someone told me to "Get away from me you freak!"
On the other hand, it would be damn funny if it turned out you stuck this adress up on your site as a joke. Some poor guy, getting spammed by a bunch of lonely guys in seattle. --shudder--
01.23.2002
More email from Brett
Sproing! Time for another round of mental defrag....where's my shovel?
The job you love to hate. Ok...so I'm the luckiest bastage in the world. I got the gig that most folks would love to have. Write articles and stuff for web pages, about the various and nefarious game titles put out by Macrosquish. Souds like a choice tidbit, eh? But wait, there's more! Before you can write anything intelligent about how cool a new Xbox game is, you have to spend all 48 hours of your weekend closeted with said game, a liter of Capt. Morgan's Rum, and as much Chinese take out as you can legally aquire. Of course, you read all the stuff that the Devs came up with while they were making the bloody thing, too...and go hang out with them, get to know the guys behind such fabulous destroyers of spare time such as Asheron's Call, or Halo. Sounds spiffy, don't it? Take my word for it, it's not quite as keen as you might think. After about the third time you talk to a dev, you realize that you are just a walking translator. Turn on the Geek to English utility, and you're ready to rock and roll. Of course we can't talk about most of the really cool stuff, since it just wouldn't be PC. Not kosher at all...nopers. Uh oh..speaking of which, here comes the men in black lab coats with the needles again.
We are sorry, but the Brett you have dialed has changed or is no longer in service. Please check the Brett and try again.
--twitch--
Welcome to the center of a part of a tidbit in the gaming world...it is illegal to have fun. Stop smiling before we wrap your lips around the drive pully of a Wisconsin 85HP V-4.
Ehem...the Preceding announcement has been brought to you by a plethora of Mt. Dew and a small quantity of reality. Please bear in mind that reality is merely an excuse to segregate the insane, and should not be attempted at home. Does this explain why I've got this nice soft jacket with the extra long sleeves? Hmm.
Mmm...Eric Clapton...Tastey. Not as tastey as Stevie Ray Vaughan, but still quite tastey.
Needs salt though.
Junkyard wars.
You know, I don't watch TV often. For some odd reason, I happened across that show a while back, and bound it so damnably entertaining that I gave it my personal label as "Best Thing Since Sliced Bread". So, I get this little email from an interesting individual, telling me that the producer of that most edible of edibles is working on a new show, along a similar vein. This time, they'll be making cars/vehicles, to travel over some insane obstacle course. I just had this mental flash of several scenes from Mad Max, and Road Warrior....oh lordy, I think I'm in love. Guess they are looking for folks to compete in the new show. Damn...gotta get my name on that list.
Where's Brett?
Oh, he's out running over the neighbors in some strange armored dune buggy. He said something about testing the flamethrower.
Gotta get my damn number changed.
The Ex to be called and woke me up this morning. Blah. As if I'm not incoherent enough when I've been awake for an hour or two, how the hell does anyone expect to talk to me an hour before my alarm goes off? Monosyllable conversations are so gratifying. Pity fuck off was too far out of my faculties at that point in time.
Game night...
Ahh...joys of joys. Another week, another fanciful romp in a non-existant world where the laws of physics do not apply as they normally would. Oooh look....a harpy. She's flying along so gracefully...aww...um...that's a Claymore, isn't it? Oh hell.
Dig it!
Brett
When discussing examples of things I have written, it came up that I should give people the link to this site. I laughed, "Sure, look at the erotica I have written!" But then again... maybe it would have unexpected benefits. *snicker*
random email from some u dub student? how the hell do these people find me?
subject: A website
Oh, but it's always better to cry alone. Foolish child.
01.26.2002
times like these
"Saw a man in the movies that didn't have a heart
How I wish I could give him mine
Then I wouldn't have to feel it breaking all apart
And this emptiness inside would suit me fine
It's times like these
I wish I were a tin man
You could hurt me all you wanted
And I'd never even know
I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul"
The Tin Man - Kenny Chesney
01.24.2002
vehicular mumblings
Got my WA state driver's license today, as well as began the registration process for my car. Hoody hoo.
So... do I go for "CAKE" like before... or "GMR GRL"? Suggestions? Please make some.
Teaser
The conversation that has spawned my new rant...
"It has occurred to me that you and Dan only have a relationship within the confines of the house."
"And what do we have?"
"We have a dirty, terrible lie!"[exact phrasing to be rehashed later.]
01.30.2002
ladder = allegory?
Last night I was adjusting the ladder to paint the molding along the top of the wall, and noticed that it was wobbly. However, when I stepped onto the first step, it wasn't wobbling. As I put my weight onto the next to top step, the ladder really shook and I almost took a header off the ladder. I said, 'Fuck you, ladder!'and then took note of the allegory to relationships that it represented. When I first adjusted the ladder, it was wobbly, and I accepted that and was hesitant about making that first step. Then it seemed fine until I took that last big step and the whole thing wobbled so badly that I almost fell. Amusing.
CAKE is good
You won't admit you love me
And so
How am I ever
To know
You only tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
A million times I ask you
And then
I ask you over
Again
You only answer
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
If you can't make your mind up
We'll never get started
And I don't wanna' wind up
Being parted, broken hearted
So if you really love me
Say yes
But if you don't, dear,
Confess
And please don't tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
I don't want to wonder
If this is a blunder
I don't want to worry whether
We're gonna stay together
'Till we die
I don't want to think about it
I don't want to talk about it
When I kiss your lips
I want to sink down to the bottom
Of the sea
I don't want to hold back
I don't want to slip down
I don't want to think back to the one thing that I know I
Should have done
I don't want to doubt you
Know everything about you
I don't want to sit across the table from you
Wishing I could run
I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly
Ok, back to the salt mines, as it were... ;) Pictures coming soon of the store, before and during and after.
MSIM
netzero.net says:
I can't believe how much you write on your website. And yet it leaves me wanting to read more.
Y. T. is not here. says:
mmm?
netzero.net says:
Sometimes it is like listening to one side of a phone conversation. I know there are parts that I am not getting (what, me evesdrop?)
Y. T. is not here. says:
lol
Y. T. is not here. says:
eavesdropping is amusing at times
Y. T. is not here. says:
what parts dont' make sense to you?
netzero.net says:
hmm. One minute you are writing poetry about your angst with your new relationship (I assume the roomate in the shower photos, the one with the parents who drink shots with you?)...
Y. T. is not here. says:
parents who drink shots with me? hmm... that doesn't sound right. but yeah, the roommate in the shower is 'you'
netzero.net says:
Then there's the wild & crazy side, is that still there or are you growing out of it...
Y. T. is not here. says:
the wild and crazy side?
netzero.net says:
And the part that's kind of stunned from being stomped on by harsh reality type of stuff.
Y. T. is not here. says:
the "I'm 23, and I have no fucking idea what the future holds, but frankly I see myself being 'alone' for the rest of my life" part?
Y. T. is not here. says:
what were you typing?
[email protected] says:
the wild & crazy side, like AFF, and not conforming to the wishes of Dilbertonian cubicle dwellers
[email protected] says:
I don't know where this is going, but, I don't know what the future will bring, and I doubt if you will be alone for the rest of your life, even if you are moody.
Y. T. is not here. says:
You're so sweet.
netzero.net says:
Thank you. You are a very unusual blend.
02.01.2002
subject: Cloning Tigresses?
Dear Jess,
I saw your ad on AFF and your website. I live all the way across the country from you and don't do anything that long distance, but I had to write you for the hell of it. Can you be cloned? You sound like the dream of many. I am curious how many responses you have gotten to your ad now--I saw you were over a thousand a long time ago on your website. (Personally, I won't pay to join one of those things, but I get bored sometimes when I actually have time and my mouse wanders. Still if you have an interest for intellectual e-mailing, just drop me a line. I know very little about your fields of study, but politics/economics/ world events/ law I can handle. (Besides, wouldn't it be boring if we both knew all of the same things.)
As for me, I am 27; a lawyer, 6'2", yada, yada. I live in Augusta, Georgia. I would send you a picture, but I haven't gotten the scanner hooked up yet, maybe you can help me with that. (If you can find time in between all the e-mails you get.) BTW, have you met up (hooked up) with anyone who responded? Just curious. (Last person I met online turned out to be much better over the computer than in person; my overall record is 1 good friend, two total freaks, and one fourty-five year old drug dealer that works at Hooters; go figure).
Anyway, if you ever get to this, drop me a line. If you figure out that cloning thing, send one of you my way.
Sincerely,
the REST of the story