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"Nunc scio quit sit amor."
-Virgil
In case you're wondering, previous journal entries were moved to the History section. The page was getting cluttered.
[Discuss] is a new ezboard for any of you to post on.
06.02.2002
i've moved...
all new journal entries will be posted on
www.livejournal.com
and I backdated all the others also.
HIDDEN BIRD
05.31.2002
Onyx says:
I think you should give my fake penis back now.
me: I think my mind is just too much in the gutter for you today.
my boss: today?!
05.30.2002
posting up some old aim bits shortly... figured it would be a chance for catharsis. Sat on the plane on the way back from SoCal reading through aim convos from December through March... it was painful but enlightening.
J.P.: after reading all the XenMis stuff, all I can suggest is be careful with your "I love you's". I've learned the hard way that it means a whole different thing to the rest of the world than it does to me. Other than that, it just seems like you being you and them being kids. Emotions are funny things. I don't think any of us are really "adult" emotionally until much much later in life than when we are considered adults. We're just not trained well emotionally. They spend too much time trying to teach us to be smart and not enough time teaching us to feel.
me: I figured it out
shteevie: well, honestly, why should you give two shits about his opinion?
me: The person that is closest to me is the one who stays up late and talks to me
me: hence why Jake was so close to me
shteevie: I can see that
me: and why dan was for awhile... because he slept in a bed with me every night
shteevie: it's a form of affection that you allow yourself
me: so it was easy to talk to him late at night in the dark.
me: yes... it is affection... it is INTIMACY that I don't have with people I have sex with. Sex means nothing to me. Spooning up with someone in my most vulnerable state means a LOT to me.
shteevie: Oh, I get it... tht's why our late-nights are in the car or on the prch
shteevie: I see how it is
shteevie: :wink:
me: lol
me: yeah, like it was with jake
shteevie: so, what do you plan to do now?
shteevie: not sleep next to him?
shteevie: or let things happen?
shteevie: not trying to goad you into anything, of course, but interested in whether or not you have a plan
me: Don't have a plan yet
me: it's weird, things are very different
me: I feel very different toward dan
shteevie: how so?
shteevie: do you even know?
me: I don't see us together anymore. if that makes any sense. It's like I have woken up to the realization that that is not what I want
shteevie: what you want is to move to Cali
me: I told him during Kublacon... in 5 years he might make a good mate... but not now. I need something more.
shteevie: he'll be busier than he is now in 5 years
me: he'll be a lot more mature in 5 years. There is something to be said for the 28-38 year old range
shteevie: that you find them all hot?
me: But spending time with Ryan and DJ made me realize I want something more than what is available to me at the moment
me: I don't want Dan. Even if he could be what I need him to be, I don't desire him to be anymore
me: It's weird. I don't want him to be my other half. I want something more. *shrug* it's hard to explain
shteevie: so the real question is 'do you think you can find what you want out here?'
shteevie: no, it's not that hard to see, on my end
shteevie: you want someone to feel (and act) the same way towards you as you do them
shteevie: it sounds like the want for a normal, healthy relationship
me: I don
me: 't know.
me: Yes, it is... I want something... archetypical.
me: I have no idea if I can find what I'm looking for. I have some great examples... but ...
shteevie: well, I hope your current situation dosn't keep you from looking
me: I'm not sure that I would be what they want, and I am not sure that this is the right time for me to be consideringit in the first place. I need to take some more time to myself. I kept saying that after September and the con season I would consider settling down again
shteevie: not such a bad goal to stick with
me: *nods*
me: I will appreciate my freedom at the conventions
shteevie: it'd give you time to figure out the whys and wheres of settling down
me: Though it does look like I will be spending a lot of time with [edit]
shteevie: he sounds sweet
me: He really is.
shteevie: well, there you go
me: I wasn't kidding, he's Niles from Frazier. Personality wise, it's a great comparison
shteevie: is that the kind of guy you want?
me: I just don't know... he's in SoCal, I'm here... I don't know what I would do about that, and I don't know that he would want to bother.
me: Yeah... I said it back in February, and I meant it
shteevie: no use in worrying about it now
shteevie: sid what? taht you'd wait until the con season was over?
me: Well, exactly. Someone like DJ or Ryan... Going with Cindi's judgement of people, those would be two amazingly great choices, or in this case... examples of the personality archetype that I am looking for.
shteevie: you just need one that's looking to get involved with a schizoid like yourself
me: hahahahah
me: no kidding
shteevie: good luck
me: I'll need it
shteevie: no, just patience and a few friends to pass the time
me: awww
me: thansk hon
shteevie: well, it wasn't so much a sappy statement (on purpose) as pointing out that it's what I've been running on for months now
me: mmm.
me: i realized last night that i'm lonely
shteevie: you want a membership card?
me: to?
shteevie: we can make you one with your picture on it
shteevie: th lonely hearts club or some shit
shteevie: I dunno, I never saw the movie
me: lol hmmm maybe i can make something along those lines
shteevie: well, i'm sure you can find a non-dan to snuggle up with should you need to...
me: yeah... i just need to find someone that can be there for me and yet realize that I cannot be sometihng more to them than a friend
me: dan has finally awakened to the realization that he and I see things very differently
shteevie: well, that puts Gav and i right out, I think...
me: he says that marike (even if he married her) would just be one of his friends
shteevie: now that's just dumb
me: I think it's stupid also
me: hence my statements about 5 years from now when he grows up
me: or maybe he never will
me: but either way, I had that chat with Ryan and it really made me realize that is what I want in the future.
me: Something solid, something stable, a relationship that has MEANING
me: I've grown up. :-(
shteevie: almost like a normal person in that respect, hm?
me: *strawberry*
shteevie: you mean :raspberry:
me: lol
me: oops
shteevie: or pbththth
shteevie: are we bad for each other, as friends? i mean, all of the great realizations and progress you've made have been without my aid, and all I can do is say 'I told you so'.
And then you consider wanting a meaningful relationship, and i'm too dumb to not want to :be: that guy, despite the number of times you've had to turn me down...
me: *scratches head*
shteevie: sorry, i'm in a morose mood.
shteevie: ignore me
me: s'ok hon... you know i love you
05.29.2002
"I am human and I need to be loved... just like everybody else does."
Regretting What I Said... - Christine Lavin/Flip-A-Jig
Intro:
This song is called "Regretting what I said to you when you called me at 11:00 on Friday morning to tell me that 1:00 Friday afternoon you were gonna leave your office, go downstairs, hail a cab, to go out to the airport, to catch a plane, to go skiing in the Alps for two weeks. Not that I wanted to go with you; I wasn't able to leave town, I'm not a very good skier, I couldn't expect you to pay my way, but after going out with you for three years, I don't like surprises.(And it's subtitled "A Musical Apology". In this song, I attempt to take back everything I said while standing in a phone booth at the corner of 49th and 3rd)
I didn't mean it when I said I hope
The cable in the elevator snaps when you step on board.
And I was joking when I said I hope you crack your head
And get mangled by the downstairs revolving doors.
And I was kidding when I said I hope the Number 103 bus
Hits and makes a pancake out of you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Isn't it amazing what a woman in love will do?
And I really don't want to see your taxi
On the 59th Street Bridge
Flip over and crash through the rail.
And I'd feel bad if at the airport
You were mistaken for a local sex offender,
Arrested, beaten up, and thrown in jail.
And I really don't want to see you getting
Radiation poisoning from the metal detector that all passengers
On foreign and domestic flights must walk through.
I'm sorry, forgive me
For all the mean things I said to you.
You thought I didn't have a temper.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, surprise!
But I really don't want to see you dismembered
By the marijuana sniffing dogs,
When a simple little nipping would suffice, would suffice.
And I'm sorry that I said I hope
The plane explodes in midair
As it carries you away from me
And I'm sorry that I said
I hope you break both legs
On the mountain while you ski.
And I'm sorry for all the nasty things
I said about your mother
(Even though we both know they're true).
I'm sorry, forgive me,
I'm swallowing my pride,
I'd feel so guilty if you died,
Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm still mad at you.
On a Music note... Brown Harmonic Motion is amazing... they cover a lot of songs (like Criminal) but it sounds like they do all the music with their mouths. And I don't mean a capella in the true sense. It's amazing. Bug me when I get home so I don't forget to share this.
I think I'm in love with California
Dry heat.
my god, my skin is doing fantastic right now. This dry heat is amazing. It's 80 degrees and beautiful. Sunny, warm, my knees haven't been bothering me... and my eczema is the closest to cleared up that it has been in years. They're not kidding... it's not the heat, it's the HUMIDITY.
Hear that, John? The sky is blue, water is wet. The desert ROCKS!
Driving.
Give me the traffic down here any day. They know how to drive! It's the most amazing thing. They're alert, they're conscientous, and if you come barelling up on the right, they KNOW you're going to cut in, so they slow down. They don't live in a bubble that says, 'he's not going to try THAT!'... they know you will. I think that the people who don't like driving down here are just the timid bastards that drove me crazy up in Boston. Everyone here is agressive, and the worst traffic still seems to creep along at my requisite 18 mph.
Enormous Penis - Davinci's Notebook
Whenever life gets you down�
Keeps you wearing a frown�
And the gravy train has left you behind
And when you�re all out of hope�
Down at the end of your rope�
And nobody is there to thrown you a line
If you ever get so low
That you don�t know which way to go,
Come on and take a walk in my shoes
Never worry about a thing
Got the world on a string
�Cause I got the cure for all of my blues�
(All of his blues�)
I take a look at my enormous penis
And my troubles start melting away
I take a look at my enormous penis
And the happy times are coming to stay
I gotta sing and I dance
When I glance in my pants
And the feelings like a sunshiny day�
I take a look at my enormous penis
And everything is going my way
(Whistling)
I take a look at my enormous penis
And my troubles start a melting away
Yeah I got great big amounts
In the place where it counts
And the feelings like a sunshiny day
I take a look at my enormous penis
And everything is going my way
And everything is going my way
Oh Yeah�
05.28.2002
02:10
mmmm hottubbing is good
I am not enough of a fan boy...
I was sitting at the bar getting raucously drunk with [dum dum dum dah!] Dan Tibbles [Magi-Nation], Ryan Miller [Warhammer 40k CCG], Dave Williams [L5R, etc]and Andy Chambers [Games Workshop]... and all I thought at the time was... "Damn, I'm having drinks with the hottest guys at the con!"
The pity about this is that 3 of them are [travesty!] monogamous, and the other is my roommate. *sighs heavily*
which leads me to...
There was inspiration for more stories, but it wasn't because my inspiration decided to put out [damn that monogamy thing! Damn it to hell!] Moreso because I had a few interesting conversations which led me to reminisce. Perhaps I will get to that when I get back.
05.23.2002
I failed to meet Robert Duffy at E3. :( You suck, Z! :P
old dogs, new tricks?
I'm learning... oh my word am I learning. It has meandered through my mind that the best lover of my life managed to get me off with his hands in no time flat and I could not figure out how... How the hell does he know my body better than I do? I am getting an idea of what it takes, and how it works, but my god, how does he do it? How does he manage to HUMBLE me? There is no way in hell that I make him feel anywhere near as amazing as he makes me.
I'm disappointed in myself.
Thought for the Day
An orgasm is the best gift you can give someone. So be prudent.
05.22.2002
the word of the day is... INSATIABLE
adj: Not satiable; incapable of being satisfied or appeased; very greedy; as, an insatiable appetite, thirst, or desire.
"Tell me who admires you and loves you, and I will tell you who you are."
-Charles Augustin Sainte-Beauve
a look inside my head
[WARNING: heavy shit ahead]
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
*laughs* yeah, well, these days I'm afraid to let anyone near me. because I care about THEM, I feel like I'm protecting them from me.
Genghyss says:
I'm strong enough not to need protecting.
[ editor's note: and YOU thanked me, and followed it up by pointing out you don't need me to. How it hit me when you told me I was protecting you. I hadn't realized I was doing it. ]
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
I don't know what the fuck is wrong, it's never been this goddamned bad, and I'm unsure of what to do, and afraid to let anyone see it
Genghyss says:
What's the point of having friends if you don't trust them to buffer you?
[ snip ]
"friendship sucks and i'm not loved"
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
Wher eI come from, it's not ok to not BE ok... so it's ok for me to tell you tha tI'm bipolar (sometimes) but it's not ok for me to show you
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
oh no, I don't believe I'm not loved. I have hte opposite problem.
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
I know people care about me, and that scares me. Because at this point in my life, I'm falling apart. It was like I approached 24 and something in m yhead just gave
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
like some dam I had just broke or something. I lost control somewhere.
Genghyss says:
*nods* I know exactly what you speak of.
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
And I feel so insane! I am afraid ot tlak to anyone, because if I say what's going on in my head, they're going to think... so little of me
Genghyss says:
You don't want to appear weak
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
*nods vigorously*
Genghyss says:
But do you really think you're friends won't respect you if they know you can't win all your battles?
Genghyss says:
It's an east coast thing of every man/woman is an island
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
I don't know what they'd think if I told them ... I tried to tell Dan and STeve, and got way different reactions
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
Dan was understanding, Steve told me I as a freak adn that he'd write me off
trepanning == solution?
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
How do you make someone understand that you ... listen? to your body... that you're more... in tune with it... and as of late something has changed and your brain has decided it's tired.
Genghyss says:
you can't.
Genghyss says:
the other person has to know what that's like.
Genghyss says:
to know your own head and be introverted enough to understand what the signals mean.
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
it's so tired it can't understand why YOU'RE not tired... and when you're down (most of the time) it wants you to kill yourself... and when you're up... it wants you to drill a hole in your skull (trepanning) to release the pressure... and lately you think the only option is to ge ta dril lbecause the other one would upset eveyrone aorund you.
Genghyss says:
It's a brutal rollercoaster with more downs than ups. But isn't it just a bit harder to ride it out alone than it would be to ask for a friend to give you a respite, to let you take a breath?
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
and under it all you're terrified that trepanning isn't an option either because they'll write you off if you do it
Genghyss says:
i don't have any opinion on trepanning. It's something that's reputed to work for some people, but I've never met them. But I've seen a lot stranger things produce wonderful results for friends in pain.
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
steve says i'm just looking for somethign to fixate on
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
perhaps he's right. I prefer dan's answer... 'what if it doesn't work? what if it doesn't do anything for you?' I said, 'I'd laugh.' And he said, 'well, then it will do something either way.'
Genghyss says:
you are. but that doesn't matter. in fact it's a survival tool for people in constant pain/turmoil. Find a point, think about that point. Keep focus whenthings get rough.
Genghyss says:
And if you had it done and it didn't work, then so be it.
Genghyss says:
You find something else to try. To be pro-active in your life.
on prozac
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
Nothing like sexual dysfunction mixed with a desire to not have physical contact
Genghyss says:
oooh, pleasantness.
Genghyss says:
I'm wilting just thinking about it.
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
yeah, well... it was an insidious change... I didn't notice... everyone aroun dme did
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
so I gave it up.
Genghyss says:
but Jess, one of the things you're going to need to do in the long term is get past the idea that you're friends can only respect you when you're "strong."
Genghyss says:
You're fighting a fight they don't have to fight every hour of the day.
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
I just don't know how I can make them understand. I'm wary of saying no one oes, but sometimes it really feels like I'm alienated.
Genghyss says:
it's okay to get tired and need to crash with someone to watch over you. If you don't want it to be us, fine. But it's necessary for you to keep it up.
Genghyss says:
you've got a hundred aquaintances and a handful of friends. You should really find the friends you think can or will understand and put some faith in them. And in yourself.
Genghyss says:
We don't just love you cuz you're a tough bitch.
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
No, most people who really do like me because I'm NOT. I just try to fake it real hard so that no one notices
latin is amusing
PLUS! PERGE! AIO! HUI! HEM! [ more! go on! yes! ooh! ummm! ]
NIL ILLEGITIMUS CARBORUNDUM [ don't let the bastards get you down ]
05.21.2002
Bill O'Reilly is my GAWD.
Let me first mention how goddamn tall he is. ME-OW! He seemed quite put off about my presense, but when we were leaving Rich mentioned that I had flown down from Seattle to see him, as I was his BIGGEST FAN. He warmed up something fierce then and suggested posing for pictures. Luckily the cameraman had a disposable camera, so I should have shots of Bill in the next few weeks. He is so amazing.
It's not me it's you
Perhaps the verbal sparring has roused something in me. Or maybe I'm just still off the deep end, and very introverted as I try to sort through a lot of shit in my head. Whatever it is, it's really nice and I think it's the start of a beautiful friendship.
I told Rob I'm not giving up
when he told me he's given up on the game industry producing his dream girl. I think I've come pretty damn close a couple of times... and let's face it, folks... pretty damn close is as good as it gets. There is no perfect match, there is no perfect boyfriend/girlfriend... we've all got our issues and boy was it weird to say, 'but they're always across the country from you' and have a response of, 'and now only 1500.' You're no fool and neither am I. We (I believe) are both enjoying this banter, however I feel the point is moot.
05.20.2002
Greetings from the AEG offices in Ontario, CA. =)
subject: [brackets]
Happy Birthday sweety!
Can you let me know if you'll be down at the store tomorrow? I wanna be able to at least say goodbye before you leave for eternity, and I promise I wont wear a Hawaiian shirt!
subject: trees have...
sap Im going to really miss you. Hell, I have been missing you. No matter how much I try to deney it, or rationalize it, or ignore it, at the end of the night when Im alone and trying to fall asleep I can feel you, or more appropriatly the absence of you, and it just dwells in the mind. Which really doesnt make any fucking sense at all because I often slept like shit when we were sharing a bed - I should be sleeping better now, not worse! This is how I know Im in love, right? (damnit all!) I found something cute that I think you'll enjoy, remind me to give you it when you return. Have a good one, dont do anything I wouldnt (yeah right!) -blondie
05.18.2002
It's My Party - Lesley Gore
cry if i want to, cry if i want to
cry if i want to, cry if i want to.
you would cry too, if it happened to you.
nobody knows where my johnny has gone,
but judy left the same time.
why was he holding her hand,
when he's supposed to be mine
it's my party, and i'll cry if i want to,
cry if i want to, cry if i want to.
you would cry too, if it happened to you.
play all my records, keep dancing all night,
but leave me alone for a while.
'til johnny's dancing with me,
i've got no reason to smile.
it's my party, and i'll cry if i want to, ...
judy and johnny just walked thru the door
like a queen with her king.
oh, what a birthday surprise,
judy's wearing his ring.
it's my party, and i'll cry if i want to...
"It's not called the Box of Death because it's filled with kittens." ~Bitchcakes
All in all, I suppose it was a good day. One of my favorite people was here visiting, and he made me feel special. :)
05.17.2002
Pushing Me Away - Linkin Park
I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
Pushes me away
05.16.2002
me and my boss at Star Wars this morning (8am showing)
11:20am
sleeping on sidewalks
is something I never thought I would do, and sleeping on a sidewalk outside the Cinerama crammed into a sleeping bag with you was oddly pleasant and comforting. Got an hour or two of good solid sleep.
while we were sleeping
some newspaper cameraman came by and took photos of us in the sleeping bag together. Unfortunately, no one seemed to get the name of the paper, so I may never actually SEE those photos. A pity.
"So when are you going to write another erotic story for your web site? You have an enticing style which is appealing. You are a beautiful woman and reading your erotic images is exciting. Please, keep it up."
my response?
Perhaps the next time I rendezvous with him. Perchance my 9 days in CA will spark something.
12:19am
i just want to crawl
out of my skin. If I can discard it, perhaps I can leave it all behind. I feel like it's someone else's, like it is something that doesn't fit right.
no rest for the wicked
still sleeping badly, at work for 8:15 again this morning. Nightmares, cats, insomnia...
counting on you
is something I need to stop doing. There was a time when I knew I couldn't count on anyone, and frankly that worked for me. Trusting people, letting people in is never a good thing, and you chose to tell me something you KNEW would hurt me (pathetically enough, it did) after I explained that in a few days it might all be better in my head. It's really odd how this all comes down to the fact that the guy I didn't run away from left this day 5 years ago... and even though you acted like you understood, and knew what I was saying... how much it fucking meant that you were going to spend the evening WITH ME so that in the morning you'd still be there...
*sigh* I don't know why I fall for this drivel.
05.15.2002
[from allen's away message]
Oh yeah I know I'm not broken
A little cracked but still I'm not broken
I can't laugh I think that I'm choking on reality
the bad day
5 years ago today, my boyfriend walked into my apartment, took my hands in his, looked deep into my eyes, and put my key back in my hands. For the briefest of moments I tried to delude myself into believing it was a key to HIS place.
I said, 'What's this?'
He replied, 'Your key.'
And I knew it was over. Life can be so simple sometimes. His reason? 'When I look in the future, I don't see us together.' All I had to say to that was, 'That's too bad, I did.'
I spent the next few months being insane, and then spent most of the winter getting drunk and emailing him about how much I missed him at 3am. Pathetic. It took me a year to consider getting involved seriously with anyone (Every month or so there'd be a new boy for a couple of days, it had to be pointed out that I was doing the 'flavor of the month') and at the end of June that year I met John (while hunting for a one night stand) and that was that.
Or is it? I went into IT because of this guy. I had already decided to move to ECSU (cheaper) and go comp sci, because he made me think there was something TO the computer thing... he was a *nix elitist, the second of a string of them. You'd think after 2 I would have been smart enough to stay away from them, but not really. They're bad candy, and where the term originated from. Mike loved his computer more than me.
If I think it's falling apart, it's really ok...
In the interim, Ray pointed out to me that Mike was one of the only guys I hadn't run away from. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong. His friends told me that he had just made the biggest mistake of his life. But then (and now) I did not think highly enough of myself to agree with that statement. [ Even the first *nix guy's stepfather told me that he betted he didn't appreciate me enough, because I was the best thing to ever happen to him. ] So what was the lesson from Mike? If I think it's ok... you're walking out the door a couple of days before my 19th birthday.
oh yeah... and *nix elitists are bad candy.
aim bits
Genghyss says:
stop turning on my Girlfriend.
Genghyss says:
wait, don't stop that. It makes it more fun to tease her later with sex buildup.
Genghyss says:
The Girlfriend says:
Don't encourage her!
Genghyss says:
She's such a hornball...
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
aren't we all?
Genghyss says:
*you* are.
Genghyss says:
I'm a guy.
Genghyss says:
that's all the definition I need.
Genghyss says:
It says it all.
Genghyss says:
dick with legs.
Y.T. can't think of anything apropos says:
portable space heater with a dildo attachment
Genghyss says:
zactly.
Genghyss says:
altho I've noticed some if those space heaters run on triple A batteries and have vibrating pencils.
Genghyss says:
I think they're the econo models.
Genghyss says:
like a yugo only more sucky.
Genghyss says:
and not in a good-sucky sorta way.
Genghyss says:
I�m outta here sexy.
Genghyss says:
enjoy yourself
Genghyss says:
not that way tho. Not at work. You and The Girlfriend are both pornominds, I swear.
humor
Lady Astor: Sir Winston, if I were married to you, I would put poison in your coffee.
Sir Winston: And, Madam, if I were married to you, I would drink it.
"I read your erotica story and it is very good. You are very sensual and definitely arouse the imagination."
can't sleep... clowns will eat me
So I don't know what to do. I can't seem to sleep for more than 6 hours. I had two (TWO) iced vanilla doubles yesterday, one at like noon and one around 7, and by 10 I was already dead on my feet again. I'm exhausted, and can basically pass out to get to sleep, but I can't seem to stay there.
Times like these, I think about Ryan, I have such vivid memories of him sobbing in my arms because he was so goddamn tired but could NOT get to sleep.
05.13.2002
my brother "Anyway. I've gotta git. I love you. Send me an e or call me when you get the chance. Air kisses... ta ta, ciao and all that"
05.12.2002
humor
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.
But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
chinese fortune
"An admirer is concealing his affection for you."
I showed it to Bitchcakes.
05.10.2002
why can't I cry?
I think I have needed some kind of emotional release for the past week or so, and have just been unable to let myself go... and last night I felt like I was almost there, but something is holding me back. Perhaps you are right, I am being protective, and therefore am unwilling to unload my baggage. PORTER! [ oh Manuel! - know the reference, anyone? ]
chinese fortunes
"Better cautious at first than tears afterwards."
"You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily."
05.09.2002
Hot Show - Prozzak
Every time I see ya girl
I get to feeling sorta down
And kinda out
Like you'll never be mine
And you and I could be so crazy
Like a crazy roller coaster ride
Let me in 'cause
I'm out of my mind
05.07.2002
the poor guy from airborne express
came in with orders (on the same day) from Cheapass Games and Bite Me, a cookie company. Only in Seattle.
today sucks
all of my toys went INSANE last night and I think I accidentally picked up a new puppy and that is what dan was laughing about (forgot to ask him) and I have really bad cramps. ARGH!
strange disease - prozzak
a little sexual frustration
combined with lack of motivation
and a loss of concentration
i've got a strange disease
i can't concentrate on work
my libido's gone berserk
now i'm sweating through my shirt
i've got a strange disease
two weeks ago
you said you'd never leave me
and here i am alone
and in this world of reckless happenstance
why do good things have to go away
and leave you with nothing
ya, you left me with nothing
ah ah ah ah ah
and a strange disease
wee ooo wee ooo
hyper emotional sensations
sent via television stations
unaffected by locations
i've got as trange disease
i can't seem to get to sleep
i don't want nothing to eat
walking up and down your street
i've got a strange disease
(minnie mae)
why did you have to put
so much pressure on me?
you pushed my heart away
(simon)
i didn't mean to scare you little one
is there nothing i can say?
don't leave me with nothing
ya you left me with nothing
ah ah ah ah ah
and a strange disease
wee ooo wee ooo
now i'm standing in the rain
water soaking through my brain
every droplet speaks your name
and it's driving me insane
i don't want to go to work
my libido's gone berserk
i don't want nothing to eat
walking up and down your street
two weeks ago
you said you'd never leave me
and here i am alone
and in this world of reckless happenstance
why do good things have to go away
and leave you with nothing
ya, you left me with nothing
ah ah ah ah ah
and a strange disease
wee ooo wee ooo
05.06.2002
aim bits
lotr boy: oh Jess, btw...
me: yes, darling?
lotr boy: If dan doesnt want you tonight I call dibs ;-)
me: *laughing* ok
lotr boy: ((is glad you laughed about that and didnt bitch me out))
me: Why would I bitch you out?
me: *gets prepared to do some bitching* ;-)
lotr boy: ok, possible responses:
lotr boy: (from mild to severe)
lotr boy: you can call that?
lotr boy: what the fuck am I, the passenger seat?
lotr boy: screw you, Im sleeping with dan
lotr boy: screw you, Im sleeping with XXXXX
lotr boy: or just simply, fuck off
me: *lmao, and sharing with my coworkers* nice one, dollface, win yourself some points.
me: the one you forgot is... "I'm still pissed about your hair, so don't expect to be calling dibs on my time."
lotr boy: ouch! :-P
[ editor's note: he /bleached/ his silky, wonderful, perfectly normal brown hair. ]
05.02.2002
we need an intercom
The phone is for John (downstairs) so Joyce puts the caller on hold, and screams, "JOHN!"
We hear him yell, "What?" from downstairs.
Julz and Joyce both chime in with "PHONE!"
We all laugh.
Joyce points out, 'We need an intercom.'
04.30.2002
A dream come true
I get to meet Bill O'Reilly.
*wipes the drool from her mouth as she bounces around*
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
oh my word is this amusing
argh, just managed to delete 10% of my hotmail inbox. Getting there!
and frank is moving in with lang. *heaving sigh*
i guess you get used to somebody - tim mcgraw
I thought I felt you touch my cheek this morning
But I must've been dreaming
And in the middle of the night without a warning
I thought I heard you breathing
Me and my so-called independence
I've got this loneliness that's so relentless
I guess you get used to somebody
Kinda like having them around
I guess you get used to the way they make you happy
Bring you up when you're feeling down
I never dreamed when I was letting you go that
I would wake up and miss you this much
I guess you get used to somebody, I guess you get used to being loved
I kinda miss those rambling conversations
Where we'd talk about nothing
The way you always made me laugh at my frustrations
Baby that was something
I should've been careful what I wished for
'Cause I've got my freedom and so much more
I guess you get used to somebody
Kinda like having them around
I guess you get used to the way they make you happy
Bring you up when you're feeling down
I never dreamed when I was letting you go that
I would wake up and miss you this much
I guess you get used to somebody, I guess you get used to being loved
I never dreamed when I was letting you go that
I would wake up and miss you this much
I guess you get used to somebody
I guess you get used to being loved
I guess you get used to somebody
I guess you get used to being loved
aim bits
alan: why am i such a sucker?
alan: explain this to me o mac truck
me: because you like me
alan: well i like alot of people but i wouldnt wake up at dawn for most of them
me: heh
me: it's the boobs
alan: nah i like people with boobs who cant get me to do this
alan: and have tried
me: so what is it then?
me: my winning personality? ;0
alan: thats why im asking
alan: fear of being beaten to an unrecognizable pulp if i dont
me: LOL
alan: well thats all i can think of
Pat: how is my favorite red head pscyho woman?
me: not bad.
me: have 2 jobs
me: keeping busy
Pat: still in Seattle area?
me: yep
Pat: jobs doing what?
me: I kinda like it here
Pat: oh my god. i landed the dream job
Pat: you wouldnt know
Pat: havent talked
Pat: I am doing high level tech support and network administration for a software development company. it rocks
me: [ blah blah, work blah ]
me: So all in all, it's not so bad. That rocks, Pat. I am soooo happy for you.
Pat: wow. Cheapass Games. sweet
Pat: you would love my company if you could get in the door.
me: It's bizarre, I'm kind of happy.
Pat: thats good then
Pat: that you are happy.
Pat: all that really counts really
me: well, if your company decides to hire, you let me know. Not that I am in teh mood to move
me: Cheapass is an interesting company.
Pat: so what else you been up to?
Pat: besides lots of games
Pat: no full time boytoy?
me: well
me: um... it kinda works like this
Pat: hehe
Pat: this is going to be itneresting
me: i have a boy who I care very deeply for, and he cares for me. but we have sex maybe once a month or so... we share a bed a couple of nights a week. then there's this other boy who is sweet and naive and a total darling, and i'm waiting for him to wake up and ditch me
Pat: hehe
Pat: Jess is playing the field
me: [ blah blah not really, but blah blah ]
Pat: yeah... that could be a problem
me: *shrug* I am the Den Mother
me: I take care of /everyone/
Pat: hopefully yourself too
me: and there are a LOT of them, trust me. Every day one of my 'kids' out here tells me that I am amazing.
Pat: the old lady Jess
Pat: I did something crazy...
me: I have grown up a lot
me: it's really scary. I am not the person I was during my relationship with JGA.
Pat: in what way?
me: I am probably more of a fascist, and more republican than ever before, yet very motherly, as I said, I take care of everyone, I'm getting better at talking about my own issues, and dealing with them in the open, rather than hiding behind masks (the west coast is an INTERESTING place, let me tell ya)
Pat: I bet
me: I have grown up a lot
Pat: communication is iimportant. real important
Pat: sounds like you are doing good
me: I actually came to the conclusion that I wanted to settle down... and give it all up.
me: No more con flings, no more sleeping around.
me: And it's weird
Pat: well come back here
me: Because sex has just lost it's thrill
Pat: wow
Pat: coming from you that is an amazing statement
me: I think I have had sex once in the past month.
Pat: on meds?
me: and I have a lot of options. I rarely have an empty bed. But I am not really active
Pat: or dealing with the bipolar?
me: dealing with it. No meds whatsoever.
Pat: thats good
Pat: happy with that too? awesome
me: It's amazing.
Pat: that is great news
Pat: I am very happy for you
me: I told jga I had two jobs, he said, 'ironic'
Pat: yes.. i bet he would have
me: I said, 'still bitter, I see.' he was like, 'no, just ironic.'
Pat: i chatted with him the other day. first time in months.
me: *shrug* We did a lot of terrible things to eachother
Pat: people who are hurt often do. it is the sad part of relationships when there is a communications problem
me: I have had six months to deal with it, and come to grips with what I did and what he did... and I started smoking again, lost like 30 lbs, I am down to a size 8 and a 34DD bra
Pat: sexy
Pat: :-P
me: It would appear that way. if you promise not to tell jga...
me: *waits*
Pat: why the smoking?
Pat: hehe
Pat: tell him what?
me: www.geocities.com/kitty8u
me: lots of pictures, and rants about life.
Pat: that your poetry/rant?
me: [ blah blah jake blah ]
me: I won't lie, it upsets me greatly (I'm shaking right now)
Pat: sorry ...long distance hug
me: but ... it was what he had to do. I respect his decision.
me: I miss him.
me: thanks hon. *bear hugs*
Pat: I miss a bunch of close friends I can't see any more
me: So other than that... it's interesting to be me as of late
Pat: it is quite painful at times
me: well...
me: I /might/ be in NJ in September
Pat: yeah.. like what else?
Pat: which con?
me: ShoreCon
Pat: gotcha
me: I'd hate to miss it
Pat: how long?
me: sooo many memories
Pat: when
me: um, probably 4 or 5 days
me: mid sept, I think... not sure if I'll be going.
Pat: send me the dates. i will try and make it
me: k
me: lessee... what else.
Pat: my roommate is moving out in july. going to grad school. you will always have a place to crash here if you need it
Pat: yeah, what else?
me: Did a great semi-nude photo shoot with my coworker.
Pat: hehe
Pat: semi?
me: She's a photographer. Yeah, I left my thongs on
me: I can't wait to scan one of them in and post it
me: She dubbed it, 'I'm a porn star!'
Pat: i see like 3 pics on yoru site.
Pat: there are more?
me: yeah, you have to click on some of the pictures to get there
me: or try www.geocities.com/kitty8u/picsofme.html
Pat: EEK ROLLERS!
me: lol
me: but look how hot I looked when they were out of my hair
Pat: I have no clue how you get to tehre from your site
me: that one isn't linked I don't think
me: I forgot to link it and never got around to it
Pat: ahh
me: there are lots of unlinked pages running around in there
me: ;-)
Pat: who is the woman in yellow?
Pat: I am sure
me: my former roommate, Taniel.
Pat: almost makes me want to hack the website to find them
Pat: funny
me: with the famous quote, 'If I ever REALLY need to get laid, I'll just go find Jess!'
Pat: my company deploys web servers
me: ahhh
me: that is spiffy
Pat: i told them there was a huge security hole. they ignored me
me: gah!
me: :-(
Pat: then they found it 2 days later
Pat: and asked me how to fix it
me: did you say, 'i told you so'?
Pat: never say i told you so... just smirk and say ok!
me: lol
me: I kinda figured you were smarter than that. :-)
Pat: I told them anyway
me: God how I miss you guys
Pat: yeah
me: I LOVE YOU, PAT! You're the man.
Pat: thanks.. luv you to Jess. missed you
Pat: missed you and JGA for that matter. even if i wont see you two togheter again
me: be back in a moment, grabbing a smoke
Pat: your poetry hurts ...it is very well done. kudos to you
me: thanks
Pat: i got another pic page....neener neener
Pat signed off at 7:42:45 PM.
an 'old' friend: I haven't talked to you in a while.
me: no kiddig
an 'old' friend: How goes it?
me: busy.
me: have 2 jobs
an 'old' friend: Sounds like a blast.
me: it is
an 'old' friend: I turn 16 in 12 days, lucky me.
an 'old' friend: Wait, 13. Whatever.
an 'old' friend: How goes the love life?
me: 16? wow
me: you're almost legal. ;0
an 'old' friend: That's what other people say, too.
me: mmm... well, if you're cute... what do you expect? statutory rape is not something most women will want to deal with... bad enough to be seen as a cradle robber or Mrs. Robinson for that matter
an 'old' friend: My current "partner" (we aren't going out, we just relieve sexual tension on each other) is 17, and I am 15. I call her Granny.
me: oh boy
an 'old' friend: I came to the conclusion recently that women suck ass.
me: so my JADED little one, how many of these 'partners' have you had now?
an 'old' friend: I went out with someone for 16 months, then the bitch pulled a major fucking stunt, I cried myself to sleep for over a month, and haven't given a damn about women since.
me: 16 months? jesus
an 'old' friend: I've only had 2 sexual partners in my life. My ex-girlfriend, and my current partner.
me: ahhh. what did your ex do?
an 'old' friend: She ended up telling me that she liked my friend more then me, and had for over a year. She then told her parents I threatened her, and they freaked out, and placed a restraining order on me...
me: jesus
an 'old' friend: ...even though I hadn't said a fucking thing, other then I was upset about it.
an 'old' friend: She also would talk to me in school, and tell me to wait for her after class so we could talk things out... Then she reported that I was "waiting outside her classes with malicious intent."
an 'old' friend: So after not talking to her for a month she tells my girlfriend at the time (now my "partner") that she is depressed that I never talk to her.
an 'old' friend: I then said hello to her online, and she blocked me, and told her parents I was harassing her. Her parents bitched out my parents, so I told them to fuck off. I haven't contacted them since.
me: damn
an 'old' friend: I agree.
an 'old' friend: Oh yeah, she also spread an ass load of rumors around school that I had done shit to her. I thought that was funny.
me: gosh, hon I am so sorry
an 'old' friend: Oh well.
me: You met a psychotic girl. At least, that is what it sounds like to me. I'm so sorry that is your experience with the opposite sex, though I cannot bring myself to tell you it isn't common.
me: women are insane.
an 'old' friend: Justine (my partner) had gone through a bad breakup recently as well, and we connected. She broke up with me though because I was "too affectionate". I gave her a hickey.
me: and they only suck ass if you're lucky. ;-)
an 'old' friend: There's a funny story behind that, actually.
an 'old' friend: I am terrified of girls (and balloons), and I hadn't known Justine at all. Just one day she invited me over...
me: She is rebounding. Both of you are. It sounds like a co dependent kind of thing. But it works for awhile.
an 'old' friend: We were in her attic, and she was hitting on me like mad, and I have a hard time breaking the ice with girls. I cried because I was so terrifed and bothered by her touching me.
me: oh hon *comfort*
an 'old' friend: I gave her a hickey, and she broke up with me. I've never been broken up with for being "too affectionate."
me: wow, i'm sorry hon
me: so now you two are just sleeping together?
an 'old' friend: I think horribly of myself, but as soon as I put up the Single Flag I was surrounded by people. That cheered me a bit.
an 'old' friend: I guess so. We make out and stuff.
me: hrm.
me: I just worry about you
an 'old' friend: Me too.
me: I don't want you to be embittered toward women, but my 'reasonably adjusted' male friends tell me that they learned women were evil at your age and it didn't manage to keep them away from girls. (one of them is living with another friend of mine)
me: I want you to be happy, Chris. You deserve it.
an 'old' friend: Being happy is fun.
me: And it sounds like you have just been through some really rough shit, and then got rebounded on on top of that. It is probably a good thing that you don't want a relationship right now... I know I had a few back when I was your age, but mine got really psycho and ugly like yours did (more than once, I never learn) and I have found it easier to not be serious with anyone.
me: When is the last time you were happy?
an 'old' friend: Happy, without something on the back of my mind?
me: ooh,that's an interesting caveat. ok, with and without the caveat.
an 'old' friend: I was happy today. I got a new CD. I was 100 percent happy probably up until 6th grade.
me: mmm.
an 'old' friend: Do you like Rammstein?
me: yes, I do
an 'old' friend: I have recently become infatuated with them.
me: I am infatuated with Type O Negative, have been for a couple of years now. oh yeah, and PROZZAK, they're amazing.
me: www.geocities.com/kitty8u I have prozzak lyrics posted in teh past couple of posts, if you're curious. Sleep with Myself might ring true for you also.
an 'old' friend: Type O Negative is good.
me: back in a moment, smoke break, sweetie
an 'old' friend: OK
an 'old' friend: That's a lot of writing.
an 'old' friend: I'm gonna go to bed. I need to get up in 4 hours. Night.
an 'old' friend signed off at 9:11:09 PM.
04.29.2002
i'm so upset I just want to curl into a little ball and cry
I mean really... I have spent so many years trying to get to a point where I wouldn't get violent that now if I get upset to the point where I want to get violent, I don't know what to do with myself. If I am so angry that I want to hit you, I am most likely going to burst into tears as my brain doesn't know how to deal with that.
stress = the confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it.
Love Song For No One - John Mayer
Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me
sometimes it is a great thing to realize you have friends
Just when I thought I was going to fall apart, and that I had no options, the road out of hell presented itself. Now it's just a matter of whether or not I think I can redecorate enough to make it liveable, or if I need to 'follow the yellow brick road'
damaged - plummet
Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that i've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Won't let anyone get close to me
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
There's only for my soul
And undo this fear
Forgiveness for a man
Who was stronger
I was just a little girl
But I can't look back
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Can't go back...
Can't go back...
Can't go back...
Can't go back...
I can't go back...
I can't go back...
I can't go back..
I must go on...
I must go on...
I must go on...
I must go on...
I must go on...
I must go on...
I must go on....
04.28.2002
this one hit home
Sleep With Myself - Prozzak
Ya I'll dance with you for a while
But I'm not going to take you home
I don't even know your last name
Let me explain
Been around the world a thousand times
Been swept away on distant shores
Bedded down with angels
Drank their wine
And always the conclusion is the same
Making love is always grand
But eventually
Love ends a losing game
So let's leave it alone
I'm going home
I'd rather sleep with myself tonight
Where no one else can harm me baby no
Oh Oh
Although I'm really quite fond of you
My best intentions never turn out right
I'd rather sleep with myself tonight
People think celibacy's a crime
Not saying I won't love again
But couldn't we just talk for a while
And lately intimacy's got me down
Been hurt so many times before
Jumped the gun and ended up alone
It may sound a little funny
But you gotta know
The information age
Things move so fast
Fax machines
Computer screens
Seems like love
Is something of the past
And modern girls
Got one thing in their head
Before you down your second drink
You're in the cab
And then you're in her bed
So let's hold off on the sex play
I don't even know your last name
I'd rather sleep with myself tonight
Where no one else can harm me baby no
Oh Oh
Although I'm really quite fond of you
My best intentions never turn out right
I'd rather sleep with myself tonight
quiz
Which Sluggy Freelance Character Are You?
Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.
random emails/aims
me: 'happiness and fun come in small doses.'
JP
nosce te ipsum - Know thyself.
Is it worth sacrificing yourself and your relationship with someone for the betterment of them?
I think about this quite often. I would sacrifice myself almost every time for the betterment of someone I care about. Is it worth it? Yes and no. On one hand, you're doing what you believe is right to make someone's life better.
On the other hand, you are giving away something that you are happy and comfortable with. Like most things, there's no easy answer. I usually trust my gut feeling in things like this. Just be sure to give yourself some credit when making a decision. None of this "I'm poision for anyone I meet" shit.
my ex im'ed my friend Jason. *sigh* I sent him an email with 'you rang? [indirectly]
lotr boy says:
How is it you can find the most depressing song lyrics to update your website with?
response to my subject, 'No one cares about my happiness' and the included lyrics to 'It's not Easy' by Five for Fighting [typos left in]
subject: Yeah, your right, we could care less
Nobody really cares about you, you just happen to be some girl; who's attached herself to dans leg. none of us can even remember your name, you're just that silly girl.
sheesh! I can't believe that you think we don't care...of corse we care you silly girl.
jason: how is one of the most charming person I know doing? me: lousy me: you? Jason: same rut... Jason: ain't we a sad pair
nosce te ipsum
Is it worth sacrificing yourself and your relationship with someone for the betterment of them?
Introduction To A Broken Heart - Prozzak
Have you ever tried to make a brand new start?
It's introduction to a broken heart...
Forever and a day
Is all I ever wanted, baby
To figure out a way
To finish what I started
Especially the thing that happened when I started with you
You taught me to fly and you taught me to fall
But after all
You'll be teaching me the hardest lesson of all
Introduction to loving and leaving
Begging and pleading
Anything to get you to stay
Just when you found forever
Start to feel better
'Cause everything is going your way
All at once your world falls apart
You learn the art
Introduction to a broken heart
I've been through it before
There's never any consolation
Now and then
Someone you adore
Turns happiness to desperation
Blink and when you open your eyes
It's all fallen apart
You told me to climb and to never look down
But somehow
You never told me 'bout the part where I crash to the ground
Take my picture off of your wall
Drop my jacket off in the hall
Don't try to call me I will not answer
Best plans of women and men
Casually crumble and fall
All at once your world falls apart
You learn the art
Introduction to a broken heart...
how did i forget to post this GTS humor?
Subject: Memorable Quotes...
I think one of my most memorable quotes, or rather, odd events, came at the 7-Card Stud "Kiddies Table" Thursday night, when James, who was sitting next to me, got a call from someone. An approximation follows...
"Hello... yes... yes... what? Uh huh. Yeeeeeesss. No. No. No no no. Hey, you are a volunteer, you can do what you want. Yes. Yes. I'm not your boss. You what?"
Rolls his eyes...
"You met these guys when? Just now? And you want to drive up the coast with them. Sure. Sure. Yes. Okay, see you in a few minutes."
Hangs up the phone, stares at it a moment, then shakes his head.
I turn to him and say, "Let me guess. Jess?"
James shakes his head and rolls his eyes in the affirmative.
Things will always be interesting with Jess around. :)
James Mishler
P.S.: Thank James for me for some of his money that I got that night.
Mwahahahaha!
just to explain... this was /quite an approximation of/ the conversation when I explained to James that I did not wish to fly back with them, that I was going to road trip back with Tibbles, Eric Price and Jon Lindley (Cardhaus.com). I have to admit, I like his version of it better. ;)
04.23.2002
1:31am
lotr boy's place
so we have no hot water at my place (the hw heater seems to be on the fritz) so I convinced him to let me come over and use his shower. :) Note: his roommate has a severe distaste for me... so he called him up to tell him that I wanted a shower and to 'bond' with him. Shower fine, but NO BONDING. *laughs*
04.22.2002
Cheapass Games from left to right, Joyce, me, Julz, and James Ernest.
moving day
argh, moving our office SUCKED! My thighs are killing me.
more moving pics
btw, Prozzak is an amazing band.
04.21.2002
7:48pm
up and about so I'm awake, and back at the store. *laughs* went home, took a shower, went to bed. :) Had a wonderful conversation with BitchCakes. I do believe he's a total sweetheart.
song from jason
Sucks To Be You - Prozzak
Tamara) - Sucks To Be You
(Simon) - I know, I know
(Tamara) - Sucks To Be You
(Simon) - I know it's true
I'm a bastard if it's true
If the thing she did to me
Is what I did to you
I'm a bastard if it's true
And I guess it's true
(Tamara) - Sucks To Be You
(Simon) - I know, I know
(Tamara) - Sucks To Be You
(Simon) - I know it's true
You need to know I finally understand
And I gotta get in touch with you now
But I can't
I just want to tell you I'm sorry
I'm a bastard if it's true
If the thing she did to me
Was what I did to you
I'm a bastard if it's true
And I guess it's true
(Tamara) - Sucks To Be You
(Simon) - I know, I know
(Tamara) - Sucks To Be You
(Simon) - I know it's true
You need to know I finally understand
And I gotta get in touch with you now
But I can't
I wish I could have made you happy
But I'm a bastard
I'm not saying that I wanted you to stay
But tonight I feel like driving my car to LA
Just so you can see me crying
Cause I'm a bastard if it's true
Yeah and I guess it's true
(Tamara) - Sucks To Be You
(Tamara) - Sucks To Be You
(Simon) - I know it's true
(Tamara) - Sucks To Be You
(Simon) - I know, I know
(Tamara) - Sucks To Be You
(Simon) - I know it's true
9:09am
ok, time for a break. Now I'm sitting in the front of the store, ready to assist customers while Canova and the gang get breakfast. Now I'm tired. And of all things, my diaphram just cramped on me. Who would have thought that could happen, let alone how much it would hurt?
god i'm tired.
7:44am
me: "I'll drive down there to make him blow me."
diceland
site is coming together, but I don't think I have enough caffeine available to me. And it's freaking COLD outside right now, so I have no desire to walk back to the house to sleep. Back to the salt mines. werk werk werk.
04.20.2002
so I guess Robin Williams made it down to the store today. Pretty spiffy.
I'm pumping myself up on caffeine and trying to get diceland.com done. Wish me luck.
poignant lyrics
Superman (It's Not Easy)
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I�ll never see
It may sound absurd�but don�t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed�but won�t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It�s not easy to be me
Max Don't Have Sex with Your Ex
E-Rotic
Well, I'm Max, I'm Max
Baby, call me Max
I'm in love with you and also my ex
Well, I'm Max, Max
Call me Max
I'm thinking what I'm giving
I'm giving what it takes
Max, Max, Max
I'm in love with you and I love my ex
I love you both, and to be true
I don't know what I'm gonna do
I gotta warn you
Max, don't have sex with your ex
It will make your life complex
My Max, baby, take it easy
Max, don't have sex with your ex
It will knock you off your legs
Oh, Max, stay cool and just relax
Well I'm Max, I'm Max
Baby, call me Max
I'm in love with you and I love my ex
Well, I'm Max, Max, call me Max
Cause you love having fun, love having sex
I'm Max, Max, Max
I'm in love with you and I love my ex
I don't wanna make you feel so blue
I don't know what I'm gonna do
questions without answers
I was asked if I had ever loved a boy who didn't want me. The question was asked out of spite [ the answer is 'Almost every time.' ] All it did was make me realize that no one had any clue what had really happened. Suffice to say that when I moved out here (mid october - mid december) I was happier than I have ever been in my life. Happier than anyone with bipolar is supposed/allowed to be.
How are you supposed to feel when after 10 years of accepting that you are never going to be happy you suddenly are...?
04.19.2002
a poem
Friend,
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!
- author unknown
pink
So stop falling
Stop falling
You know you're falling....for me
Stop falling
Stop falling
Stop falling...for me
You've gotta understand my side
I've had a crazy, crazy life
Nobody came along to open up my eyes
Oh baby, take what you can get
Don't even bother with my heart
If I get a feeling I won't let it start
I ain't lookin for a steady thing
I ain't lookin for what love brings
I'm still young and I ain't ready babe
I'm still lookin for some better days
I don't wanna give you everything
I just wanna make you feel things
If you ain't down to give me everything
Just throw it away
Stop falling...
04.18.2002
the radio
I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, I need to tell you...
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you...
dead again
"You're either a smoker or a nonsmoker. Figure out which one you are, and BE IT."
04.17.2002
chinese curses
my fortune today was "someone of importance could let you down."
sometimes I just want to scream
people don't listen to me. I bounced into a severe mania last night, and I knew that it was going to crash me something fierce, but no one really listened to me. So they pushed me pretty hard today, and I barely kept myself together. I guess that it wasn't anything more than usual, but I gather that I am 'pretty damn amazing' and deal with more shit than anyone thinks they could handle. And I don't notice it until I start to fall apart. Then I wonder who is going to be there for me. And if I am ALLOWED to fall apart.
being second best
sometimes it is just something you have to accept. polyamory 'worked' because though women are competitive, we establish a pecking order and live with it. I don't want to make anyone feel the way I do. So I try hard to make everyone feel good, feel important. But I know what it is to be second best, to feel second rate. I feel it every day. It gnaws at me even when I'm with you. I can't get it out of my head that you wouldn't be there with me if she was available, no matter what you say.
stuart smalley
because i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and goddamn it, people like me! or something.
decisions made for yourself
I'm tired of people yelling at me, browbeating me, and just being a general nuisance in my life. So I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of letting people walk all over me and treat me badly. So no more. For once in my life I am going to stand up and say, 'FUCK YOU!' I deserve something better. Don't I?
bipolar madness
I think a part of me is afraid to be alone right now. I need to have someone there, I need some kind of stability, something I know isn't going to change tomorrow. Maybe it will be my job. Maybe it will be accepting that I am going to wake up tomorrow. I need someone to care about me.
fiona apple - the child is gone
Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white
Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside
And don't bother leaving the light on
'Cuz I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
A vacancy that just did not belong
The child is gone
Honey help me out of this mess
I'm a stranger to myself
But don't reach for me, I'm too far away
I don't wanna talk 'cuz there's nothing left to say
So my
Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside
'Cuz there's no kind of loving that can make this all right
I'm trying to find a place I belong
And I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand over a strange inversion
As the darkness turns into the dawn
The child is gone
The child is gone
04.12.2002
more emode amusement
Is it love or lust?
Don't look now, but you just might be in love. It's hard to tell for sure � you've got an awful lot of lustful thoughts whirling around in your brain � but we think hearts and poems are part of the agenda, too. Sure, you're pretty much ready to jump your honey any time of day or night, but you wouldn't bother sticking around if you didn't think there was some kind of potential there. You want it all � passion, excitement, tenderness, and a best friend to boot. We applaud you. There's nothing better than the perfect mix of lust and love. The former jump-starts a relationship and helps keep it fresh and fun, and the latter means there's something left after the "right here, right now" phase passes. So get your kicks while you can, but hold on for the long run!
are you evil?
Yup, you're definitely very evil. Hell is holding a little room with your name on it. (Not that there's anything wrong with that. Lots of successful people have been evil: Donald Trump, Montgomery Burns, Martha Stewart.) You find others' pain funny. So what? You're a sneaky backstabber, luring your prey close, then striking like a vulture. But a cute, cuddly, appearances-can-be-deceiving vulture. Often, the snake lurking inside you will put your evilness to work in the bedroom solely for your own amusement. But we all have our faults, right? So if you want to change your ways, try to think about how you would feel if someone did to you what you do to the rest of the world. Or don't. Whatever. Evil is great � just don't kill anyone with your mind. Keep reading for more evil details!
sexually evil
We're all slaves to our urges � some just more than others. Sure, you probably shake it a little to get your way, but you don't beat yourself up over it (unless you're into that, of course). For your own sake, realize that getting hurt sexually generally stings more than being burnt with your clothes on. So even if your pillow pal has a mean set of love handles, keep it to yourself. Just listen to that little voice in your head (no, not that one), and the evil sex thing will stop.
not passive aggressive
Don't feel too bad about hiding your anger. At least, not right now. When your spleen ruptures from internalized stress, then you can feel bad about it. Passive people act that way because they're ultimately sweet and don't want to upset anyone. While that may work for the short term, you end up looking like a real back-stabber when you, ah, stab someone in the back. Try to deal with your problems up front, and you probably won't have to renew your concealed weapons permit this year.
black hearted
Ooo hoo � you're one evil muther. Your heart is blacker than Darth Vader's helmet. For goodness' sake, next time think about that old lady's feelings before you push her down the escalator. And, really � you know as well as anyone that dropping kitties out the window to see if they can land on their feet is just an excuse to act evil. Yes, it's all part of being a free spirit who doesn't answer to anyone. Right or wrong, it's a fun way to live. But be careful � it all comes full-circle in the end.
time wounds all heels
no matter how much planning and forethought goes into something, in the end, the only person you can count on is yourself. And sometimes you can't even do that.
clothing woes?
so today I put on a skirt that I haven't worn in a long time (it's huge on me, and military olive green.) Over this I threw Taniel's big wine colored sweater, soft and wonderful and broken in too many times, so it is kind of... see through in spots. ;) Under this I had my white victoria secret thongs. and white socks with my mary janes. My coworkers pointed out that my boss was eyeballing my underwear as when I put my coat on I raise my arms, and give everyone around me a great view of my underwear. I find this amusing.
bipolar bonus
I do not believe that I know anyone who has complete control over their emotions. However, I have found that being bipolar (esp on the East Coast) you have to learn to adapt quickly, and hide what you feel. Putting on the 'happy face' as I put it is such second nature that if it wasn't for the hollow feeling inside of me, I could almost fool myself.
hormonal imbalance
I really need to get laid.
and there were waaay too many cute gamer boys down here this evening. I don't understand how they always seem to hang out with eachother. A "boy" (I hesitate to use such a term, as he is probably in his late 20s) with a name similar to mine, and his friend with the name I wanted to give my cat, only I refused to pronounce it correctly. [ editor's note: ooh, i'm speaking IN CODE. ]
Sheltered != Shallow
however, sheltered == virgin syndrome. Go figure.
04.11.2002
[ editor's note: sometimes I think my subconscious is amazing. This album is just what I needed today, and I (as usual) just found it and went, 'hmm, think I'll listen to this today, even though I couldn't remember for the life of me what was on the album anymore. Each song was a surprise, though not necessarily a pleasant one this morning. ]
american hi-fi
i should learn to be still if i close my eyes i'd realize what you meant. don't wait for the sun it could turn black any day. i lost my head in the clouds when will this haze go away? I never wanted this... i think i'm falling apart if you were me would you do it like i do?
I don't know how to keep it all inside/but I guess I'll let it slide
"Another Perfect Day"
i'm holding on waiting for your call
it's simple but i can't explain this
i'm sinking down i feel like i could die
i'm falling off i don't know why
[chorus:]
i still believe it when you say
it's another perfect day
another perfect day
i still believe it when you say
it's another perfect day
another perfect day
so i might try to leave it all behind
i know tommorow's not so bright now
i'll say goodbye cause nothing good can last
(you wear and figured no where fast)
and today i don't know how too keep it all inside
but i guess i'll let it slide
[repeat chorus]
today... i don't know why
i thought that it was real
but i guess it's no big deal
[repeat chorus]
i don't know how
i don't know how
to let it slide
from the stranger:
Life Is Beautiful/University District/Sun March 31/12:33 pm: Officer Thompson was patrolling the Ave on a marked police bicycle when an unknown woman ran up to him and asked him to conduct a welfare check on an apartment just off the Ave. The tenant, she explained, had not left the apartment in seven or 10 days. Officer Thompson cycled to the apartment and knocked on the door. There was no response. "Using the manager's key," writes Officer Thompson, "we entered the apartment. The victim [a man in his early 20s] was inside, clearly deceased, with an obvious self-inflicted gunshot wound under his chin. The victim had left his computer on with a note on the screen that said: 'And the really funny thing is that I'm not really all that sad right now. I just... don't know/It seems like the natural thing to do. Y'know? (Are you supposed to put [a] question mark at the end of a rhetorical question?)'" At the bottom of the screen, the victim typed, "Life is so beautiful."
And someone asked me, 'where is the humor?'
"Safer on the Outside" [ snipped ]
faded in the blackout you left me in
it's safer on the outside
i can't sleep
i'm disconnected
everything went wrong
and certain stars
are sad and bruised
"Scar"
i could hang around
you could let me down again
but it's killing me
i can't waste a sound again
you'll break me if you can
you'll break me if you can
[chorus:]
drag me down again
it's hard to be your scar
a frozen satellite
you never got that far
it's hard to be your scar
be cool like you
every sorry lie
i can't live that down no
so you'll wait and see
i'm caught between the seam and me
you'll break me if you can
you'll break me, break me if you can
[repeat chorus]
i could hang around
you could let me down
so drag me down again
it's hard to be your scar
a frozen satellite
you never got that far (never got that far)
"Wall of Sound"
it don't mean nothing
when you say it's gonna be alright
cause you'll tell me anything i wanna hear
and it don't mean nothing
when you laugh at my jokes
cause it's all or nothing when i fall apart
fade, fade, fade
into you
you're under my skin now
i could shut out the world that we know
i'll try to be everything you want me to be
and i've gotta head start
but i'm making the same mistakes
cause it's all or nothing when i fall apart
fade, fade, fade
into you
"What About Today"
it's getting hard
but you don't even know
maybe you can't see
i'm getting tired
i've been still
i'll panic on
[chorus:]
hearts are sinkin' blind
yeah well you don't even know
all you gotta do
just stop and ask me
silver, chrome and steel
set the tone and set me out
it's everything you want
complete the failure
no more to say
what about today
what's really going on
and between the blind
and blood shot eyes
i'd thought i'd see my way
see my way
yeah you're getting awfully close
yeah you're getting awfully close
complete the failure
complete the failure
"I'm a Fool"
got nothing to lose this time
and i'm bored with the same old lines
i never know what to do or what to say to you
one look and you'll knock me out
you put me on the floor with a ten count
i don't wanna make a scene i gotta make you see
that i've been waiting for a girl like you
and i know there's nothing i could do
[chorus:]
don't it make you hurt
don't it make you feel
like the world ain't on your side
like you're never gonna get it right
no i can't fight i can't sleep at night
just thinking about you girl
i'm a fool for you
yes i am
you've been on my mind
since i saw you walking by
i knew i had to know you better you were everything
but i didn't know what to say
so you just walked away
i couldn't believe what a fool i was to let you go
cause that i've been waiting for a girl like you
and i know there's nothing i could do
[repeat chorus]
then i saw you at the beach talking with my friends
i couldn't believe my eyes it was my lucky day
so i just asked you out to the Forum to see No Doubt
when you said you would go i thought i might explode
cause that i've been waiting for a girl like you
and i know there's nothing i could do
[repeat chorus 2x]
yes i am
i am a fool for you
yes i am
i am
[ it's so complicated. ]
04.06.2002
emode.com
are you a sexual goddess?
A brilliant bolt of lightning descends! SHAZAAM! The oracle has spoken!
The smoke clears to reveal that inside you is a divine being, PERSEPHONE, Goddess of the Night, a woman in touch with her deepest inner desires.
As the most sexual of all the female deities, you are very comfortable in the bedroom. Your skill at pleasing a man is unmatched, and you know exactly what you need for your own pleasure. As a woman of passion, you're very comfortable with expressing your desires to anyone. You are a proud and confident woman who exudes sensuality. You cherish the intimacy of physical attraction and know what it takes to win a man. As a woman deeply in touch with your sexuality, you definitely know how to thoroughly enjoy yourself! Your polished bedroom performance always keeps them coming back for more. When everything is going right, a light shines down from the heavens. Behold, the skies proclaim, here lies a goddess!
ultimate personality test
Jessica, you're a Skydiver!
That means you're open minded, extroverted, free-spirited, and independent. Chances are you're pretty liberal. You're like a magnet for love and affection. People adore you. And, thanks to that healthy dose of self-confidence, you're super-flexible.
How do we know all this? How do we know you're a great leader at work? Or that you're a self-starter and will always volunteer to take on a job? How could we have divined that you're an excellent communicator and tend to spread your enthusiasm to others? [ editor's note: bwahahahahahha ]
so it got one right...
Your type is the Brain
Let's put it this way � you would never date the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. A guy without a brain is not the guy for you! Your Mr. Right is well-read, extremely knowledgeable, and can beat anyone at Trivial Pursuit. He can hold his own in any intellectual conversation, and he's got an insatiable desire to learn. You prefer a strong mind over strong muscles and have no patience for someone who considers TV mentally stimulating. Whether it's because he can take apart a computer and rebuild it at the speed of light or the way he can recite the price of any stock on the market, his brainpower impresses you. You love to learn, and there's no better knowledge than the kind you get from someone you love!
what type are you? [ har har ]
You are a Bad Girl
Who's a prim goody two-shoes? Not you! A little bit jaded and oh-so-experienced, you're the opposite of good; in a phrase � very, very bad. When you watch Grease, you root for Rizzo, not Sandy. Motorcycle clubs and tattoo parlors know you by name � you've been there and done that. Never one to say no to a good time, you'll stay out late and party till dawn. Guys dig your spontaneity, sense of adventure, and leather-dominated wardrobe. They swarm to you like bees to honey. Still, no matter how tough you are on the outside, you can get very tender around the right guy. You don't have to talk about your feelings with everyone you meet, though. That touchy-feely stuff doesn't really fly with you. Men admire you for being a sharp-minded, rebellious gal who knows how to let loose and bring out their wild side.
04.01.2002
03.31.2002
A tribute
My god are we all going to miss you.
03.30.2002
Cheapass Games
So I suppose the cat is out of the proverbial bag... I am the newest employee of Cheapass Games... yes, the people who brought you Lord of the Fries, Brawl, and of course... Kill Doctor Lucky! =) *waits for the applause to die down* I am the Organized Play Director, and a few other things. Hardy har har. The way of the game company. I will be posting the official press release, which will hopefully sum up my duties and responsibilities in a more clear and concise manner. *snicker* Oh yeah... looks like I will be taking over Diceland. So get to your local store and ask about it. It's UNIQUE to say the least. And lots of fun. Trust me on this one. Have I steered you wrong yet?
Yes, this means I am not looking at Sabertooth Games anymore. I think part of what prompted my employment at CG is that I was quite forthcoming about my possibility of employment with Sabertooth. However, Sabertooth has an iron clad non-compete agreement. This amounts to: No playtesting for Cheapass, no running tournaments for 7th Sea, blah blah ad nauseum. Translation: Games Workshop. Nothing else. "Kiss your family and friends goodbye" ;) Don't get me wrong, I love those guys, they're great people and some of them (ahem) are extremely sexy. In that 6'6" kind of way. *grin* ... *drool*
lotr update
so I have spent a fair amount of time with the lotr boy. We usually end up sitting around watching tv or movies on cable and cuddling on the couch. This works for me, as I enjoy spending time with him and it amounts to a casual, no-pressure kind of thing. *sighs* Reminds me of Dave Barry: "Me and X, we have this... THING" ;)
the blond monster
mmm... so life has returned to whatever the hell it is. The store seems to be doing well, there are plenty of people down here today, even with some cheesy ass sci-fi con (norwescon) going on at the same time. And there is internet access at the store now, so you're sitting next to me playing Magic: Online and I'm updating my web site from the store. That's pretty fucking a in my book. I have to admit, you've been pretty wonderful to me as of late... esp when my back first started to get bad. Speaking of which...
chiropractors are good?
so my back started hurting quite badly a few days ago. It was affecting my ability to think, let alone sleep. Horribly enough, I felt WHINY. So I thought it would be in everyone's best interest if I just went and laid down while I tried to figure out why it was hurting and what to do about it. (oh yeah... I had noticed that there was something that felt like a slipped disk poking out of the middle of my back, but wasn't sure what it was.) So I tell you that I am going to lie down and all that because I'm feeling whiny. You put your arms around me and tell me it's ok. Probably the only thing that would have made me feel any better at that particular moment. You're really amazing sometimes.
So I go to the chiropractor (to make a long story short, the day after I was supposed to be there, because FedEx is useless) and Dr. Nash moves 5 of my vertebrae around for me. It feels amazing for a few hours, and now... it feels AWFUL. My back and neck hurt a LOT again. But I can look over my right shoulder, something I have not been able to do for a long long time. I guess sitting in front of the computer all day is not necessarily a good thing for me... I suppose that coming here to the store to play magic and magi-nation and cheapass games (booyah) will be a wonderful thing for me as far as my back/neck go. So anyway... he tells me: No alcohol, no hot tubbing, no sleeping on my stomach. So at this point I MUST have someone else in my bed, else I will end up sleeping on my stomach which will just mess up my neck again. *sigh* I enjoy company in bed, frankly I prefer it, but having to seek it out for reasons like that just annoys the shit out of me.
03.24.2002
discuss > random > dreams : Unamerican Badass
"I had an interesting dream a few nights ago.
I was standing in a church (btw Im an atheist) and looking out at the congregation and notice that they are all my friends from up here. I stand as one of my friends runs down towards me. When she gets there she is gasping for breath asking if she is late. Still puzzled another friend runs down toward her shouting that he is going to be late for work. They standing catching their breath in front of me and look up at me. I look down to see myself wearing a ministers robe.
Yes I realize what this dream is about and I know who the two friends getting married are. If you dont then dont feel left out. I thought Julz might like to hear this...btw if you read this please show it to the bride."
side humor to this post... the bride was wearing a wedding dress, the groom a t-shirt and jeans.
humor
"Canada Warship Seizes Tanker in Arabian Sea" -- Reuters, Feb. 8, 2002
CANADIAN WARSHIP SEIZES TANKER IN... WAIT...
CANADA HAS A WARSHIP?
Oh Right, and Switzerland Has Nuclear Weapons
Arabian Sea (SatireWire.com) - Canadian television reported Friday that a Canadian warship in the Arabian Sea had seized a tanker suspected of smuggling oil from Iraq, leading many to suspect that the report was a hoax.
The Halifax Class frigate Vancouver.
Honest.
"You're kidding, right? Canada has a warship?" asked U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Like for war?
"Does Canada know?" he added.
"Nobody was more stunned than we were," said Kali Omari, first mate of the seized vessel. "We saw this frigate steaming toward us, and we were worried, but then we saw the maple leaf on the flag, and we thought, 'Oh, Canadians. What the hell do they want?'"
When an officer of the HMCS Vancouver announced that the tanker was about to be boarded, the crew of the detained ship was confused, said Omari, but their confusion quickly turned to anger when they saw what the Canadians sailors were carrying.
"They were armed. With guns," said Omari. "Canadians. With guns. And a warship. What is this world coming to?"
"They were pretty rude, too," Omari added. "They started asking us all sorts of questions, like 'Where did that oil come from?' But first we wanted to know who gave them the damn warship."
According to Canadian defense officials, the Vancouver is one of four frigates deployed in the region to assist in the U.S.-led Afghanistan conflict. The tanker was stopped, officials said, because its cargo of crude oil violated United Nations sanctions, which prohibit Iraq from selling oil unless in exchange for food and medicine.
The U.N. said the incident is already under investigation, and promised swift action against those found responsible for giving the Canadians guns. Initial findings indicate that the Vancouver crew may have been watching too many American television shows.
Copyright � 2002, SatireWire.
haven't heard from you in a while...
too busy putting up Bill Press posters in your bedroom? [ editor's note: what can I say? Bill O'Reilly is a "gawd." ] what's with the rumor that you were coming down to LA? more right-wing conspiracy? that's my guess.
03.23.2002
home again, home again
wow. GAMA was amazing. I have a lot to say about the past week, but not the time to say it now... so a quick run down before I sit down to put it all up for you would be to say... I realized I know a lot more about the game industry than I thought I did. Booth babes are an incredible selling point at industry-only events. I do not believe that I like Las Vegas all that much, though the drinks are cheap. I love AEG. Cheapass is better. ;) and a 22-hour road trip through Utah, Idaho instead of flying back was a great idea, and I'm glad I was a part of it. Oh yeah... and it was nice to come home to an email from the LotR boy agreeing that we should go out tonight. =)
GAMA was an amazing trip for me both professionally and personally.
03.17.2002
illness
I feel YUCKY. I have finally come down with Julz'/Taneil's cold. So yesterday I did laundry and sat around the house. Went to bed around 1am, when I realized that everyone was coming over here to party. Even with all the noise I was able to fall asleep easily enough (I basically passed out, I was/am exhausted.) My plan was to burn this out of me, so I cranked up the heater and was already super hot when I nodded off. I woke up to you taking my glasses off my face and snuggling into bed with me. In my room. Hours later I woke up again and since we were both drenched in sweat (it really was super hot in the room) I felt guilty and turned off the heater.
Now the interesting part here is this... It was wonderful to have company. But when I'm sick, I tend to cry randomly, and get irritable because I don't feel well. I end up torn between wanting someone to comfort me, and wanting to be on a deserted island.
and let's face it, being sick prevented me from going out with Megan. That sucked. I felt really bad but my head hurt to the point of migraine status. I had a hard time walking around the house. :(
anyway... time for a shower, and then off to Las Vegas. *crosses fingers* Looking forward to having a blast, playing DDR tonight, etc.
To My LotR boy:
What are your plans for Friday night? If they're clear, give the house a call and leave a message... otherwise you did say that Saturdays are usually good for you, so ... dinner?
03.16.2002
rumor mill
so you told Tyler that I didn't come home last night, only to turn over and realize I was there with you. *laughs* Poor darling was so concerned. And me? I think I might like this boy. *sings* TRANSFORMERS! More than meets the eye!
Lit - She Comes
Common sense
Goes out the window like a cigarette
I take a hit again
When all her friends
They talk about me in a past tense
I take the hit again
[BRIDGE:]
She walks in in the middle of the night
Like we're good to go
All screwed up but it just feels right
And I don't wanna know where you go
Or how we went wrong
And when I think I can't go on
[CHORUS:]
She comes
And she comes
But when she goes she always takes away the best of me
She comes
And she comes
And when she's done I'm left with nothin' but the rest of me
Ignorance
My only explanation for this mess
I think about it when
We're on the fence
Between what is and what it should've been
I take the hit again
[BRIDGE]
[CHORUS]
Whatever she does
I always come undone
[guitar solo]
[CHORUS]
Whatever she does
I always come undone
I always come undone
[ Damn, this band is sooo good! :) ]
Lit - No Big Thing
If you just want to be my friend
Why do you keep calling me then?
It's better that I never see you
Will I ever see you again?
It's alright; My heart isn't broken
It's alright; I'm feeling no pain
It's alright; I'm not going crazy
It's alright; It's no big thing
No big thing
Lit - Bitter
Decisions conflictions so much they cannot see
Frustration building inside me
Hurry up No wait up
Coward mentality
Anticipating fallacy
Hurry up wait up
Late to kill some time
Hurry up wait up
For what
Decisions conflictions
Someplace I'd rather be
Frustration building in side me
I dont even want to think all I want to do is sleep
Cuz I'm bitter when I wake up
03.14.2002
plans require information
it is not a good idea to put a plan into action when you do not have all the facts available to you.
the cute boy who plays LotR
so speaking of plans... last night I had a 'date.' I went out to dinner with this adorable boy I met last week at the store. We had a pleasant meal, Indian food is marvelous! Walking back to his house, we agreed to watch ER. Hours spent cuddling on the couch, and a hug to end the evening. I felt kind of odd and awkward. [ nervous?? ] This is somewhat new for me.
coming home?
so I walk into my place last night, and see your light on, but you're not in front of the pc... I figure this is a great chance to update my website while what I want to say is still fresh in my mind (unlike today). You're passed out on your face, so I opt to put a blanket over you. You wake up just long enough to ask me if I'm staying. So I got a spooning buddy for the evening. =) Woke up this morning and talked about my evening. I'm so pleased we're back to being friends again. It's nice to share my happy moments with you.
03.13.2002
I wear a size 8, and a 34DD bra. Is that good?
two words come to mind... "KISS IT!" [ I do believe I'm thin again!! ]
oh yeah... and "Isn't this a spiffy outfit to pick up a friend from the airport?" [ friday night ] ;) They were calling me Cinderella as I left.
Got Julz to help me take my measurements... 39 chest, 28 waist, 40 1/2 around my widest part (my thighs, go figure)... I guess it finally has happened. I've lost the weight! *needs to throw a huge party*
stupid MMORPGs
boys are never around when you need them. Then again, I wonder if I'm only bitching because I don't know what his character name is so I cannot bother him on EQ and suggest that he ditch the game to have a drink or 4 with me. *sigh*
on a CON note
Actually looking forward to GAMA, leaving Sunday for Las Vegas (hoody hoo!) Never been to Vegas, so this will be spiffy in that respect even if in no others. Then again, I'm going with Cheapass Games, so how much cooler can it really get?
Boy Advice
"Shut up, roll over." [ editor's note: this is the advice given to me when I said it would be really spiffy to wake up next to a particular boy I covet. ]
MONKEY BALL
Monkey Billiards is lame. Here's hoping Monkey Bowling is better. Heh. I don't care if I'm from the east coast and therefore think bowling is good. It is, damn it!!
There is a song called, "Take the Skinheads Bowling" that Andy Excuse (from Sorry Excuse) and Jay Forklift used to play every Saturday night when we went out for Midnight Bowling in CT when I was 14/15. We'd give eachother silly names like "Rhombus" or "Waif" and even "3 men and a cherry." Andy was the kind of guy who (after he clawed my forehead open on accident and I didn't believe them that I as bleeding, I was SURE they wanted to cheat while I was away) made me curl a fist and punch him, then when he saw his black eye, was PLEASED and spouted off about how he couldn't wait to get to work and tell everyone how the 14 year old girl gave him a black eye. *memories* [ editor's note: the poem, "Sight Through Stolen Eyes" is [about?] Jay Forklift. ]
insight into me?
A song written when I was but 15... enjoy. :)
[ Jay Forklift ]
I made an effort
to spend time with you
We talked and we laughed
Just like we used to
I looked in your eyes
and saw straight inside
Something is different
the real you has died
'Cuz I'm just a kid and I messed with your mind
Call me what you want if you're so inclined
[ Helen - Forklift's friend, new beau's roommate, also the one who dubbed me the title of the song ]
"This is my friend"
Just let it go please
With friends like you
Who needs enemies?
The earth revolves around
the sun, my dear
Words behind my back
make your hatred clear
'Cuz I'm just a kid and I messed with your friend's mind
Call me what you want if you're so inclined
[ new beau ]
Now I am so happy
I need you so much
When I'm not with you
I yearn for your touch
Things are not easy
Socially right now
People are strangers/assholes [dependent on audience]
But we'll make it somehow
'Cuz I'm just a kid and I don't mess with your mind
Call me your girlfriend if you're so inclined
'Cuz I am just your ROMPER ROOM BITCH
Call me your girlfriend if you're so inclined
I'm just your ROMPER ROOM BITCH!
03.12.2002
FINALLY
lost connectivity, finally back online... in the meantime, here are some pictures to browse through of this past Sunday at the store. =)
random search = spiffy lyrics
RUN - Cartridge Family
I know a secret and I just might hang it right over your head
To tease you and freeze you cold into my heart til the day you are dead
You're lovely to look at, I'm so happy we know each other so well
What we lose in love doesn't dare to compare with what we'll share in hell
I know a secret that slimes like an oyster and wants to be swallowed-
it could be tomorrow that you go and hurt me and I'll have to tell-
your whole world collapses in my twisted arms you will run to me...
I know a secret that cuts like a diamond entangled in lies
It shines with a power that renders your soul and that brings me to smile
To love you and have you to hate me completely and sweetly is fine
I know a secret that you don't want let out and now you are mine
I know a secret that rests like an egg in the nest of a rat that just waits to be hatched by a mother who smothers to eat her own young-
Your whole world collapses in my twisted arms you will run to me...
Immune
Tell me is the time as slow
only when your eyes are closed?
Do we stand to waste some more?
am I still immune?
am I naked too?
Does it taste like home
only when your eyes are closed?
Have you been away too long?
am I still immune?
am I naked too?
am I naked too?
Tell me is the time as slow
only when your eyes are closed?
Is the point to stay too long?
am I still immune?
am I naked too?
am I naked too?
feels like being used
Lion/Lamb ~Low
Don't go without, we'd surely die
To go without is suicide
Are you a lion or a lamb?
Are you as guilty as I am?
Ooooooo......
Are you a lion or a lamb?
Are you as guilty as I am?
Ooooooo....
Will the Night ~Low
will the night last forever?
stay by my side
'cause tonight, together
would be divine
but once it's gone
your face to hide
against the sun
the moon
am I on the other side
so blind
so long
goodbye
goodnight
Interesting.
03.01.2002
late night ramblings... does love exist? or just chemical reactions in your brain?
"I desperately want to turn it off, and sometimes I win... it reminds me of my tooth pain... it was easy to ignore it during the day when I'm conscious and active... but at night, when I lie down... it all comes rushing back to me and I can't"
02.28.2002
leave it to 'buffy'
Riley: "Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire goin' crazy if I'm not touching her, the other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content, just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me."
02.24.2002
the death of a dream [ bitterness ]
02.22.2002
oh the irony
some of you will get this. others won't. don't feel left out if you don't, i'm being vague on purpose. so today i am teasing a friend because when i first met him i didn't know he was married and basically tried to strip him [in a 'legal' way] via the card game he was teching me how to play. he had designed the mechanics for it. so one of the other employees hears me ribbing him, and says, 'you're the girl? from back in 96 or 97?' i guess i had gained some notoriety courtesy of telling the other people about my plan. *snicker*
heh. update on this... he thought I was 16 when we played that game. *laughing my ass off* In July of 97 I was 19. No wonder he played innocent on what I could have possibly wanted from him back then. *sigh* Poor darling.
my ex makes an appearance
he im'ed a friend of mine from boston to ask how I was doing. I guess he doesn't read my web site. perhaps he has forgotten that it is here.
great timing
my friend J.P. sent me the lyrics to alanis' Not the Doctor this morning. here's a tidbit.
I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don't want to be your babysitter
You're a very big boy now
I don't want to be your mother
I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
dictionary.com
quan·ti·fy Pronunciation Key (kwnt-f)
tr.v. quan·ti·fied, quan·ti·fy·ing, quan·ti·fies
To determine or express the quantity of.
Logic. To limit the variables of (a proposition) by prefixing an operator such as all or some.
[Medieval Latin quantificre : Latin quantus, how great; see quantity + Latin -ficre, -fy.]
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
qualify
v 1: prove capable or fit; meet requirements [syn: measure up] 2: pronounce fit; "She was qualified to run the marathon" [ant: disqualify] 3: make more specific; "qualify these remarks" [syn: restrict] 4: make fit or prepared; "Your education qualifies you for this job" [syn: dispose] [ant: disqualify] 5: specify as a condition; "The will stipulates that she can live in the house for the rest of her life" [syn: stipulate, condition, specify]
6: describe the qualities or peculiarities of; "You can characterize his behavior as that of an egotist"; "This poem can be characterized as a lament for a dead lover" [syn: characterize] 7: add a modifier to a constituent; in grammar [syn: modify] Source: WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University
qualify
\Qual"i*fy\, v. t. [imp. & p. p. Qualified; p. pr. & vb. n. Qualifying.] [F. qualifier, LL. qualificare, fr. L. qualis how constituted, as + -ficare (in comp.) to make. See Quality, and -Fy.] 1. To make such as is required; to give added or requisite qualities to; to fit, as for a place, office, occupation, or character; to furnish with the knowledge, skill, or other accomplishment necessary for a purpose; to make capable, as of an employment or privilege; to supply with legal power or capacity.
He had qualified himself for municipal office by taking the oaths to the sovereigns in possession. --Macaulay.
2. To give individual quality to; to modulate; to vary; to regulate.
It hath no larynx . . . to qualify the sound. --Sir T. Browne.
3. To reduce from a general, undefined, or comprehensive form, to particular or restricted form; to modify; to limit; to restrict; to restrain; as, to qualify a statement, claim, or proposition.
4. Hence, to soften; to abate; to diminish; to assuage; to reduce the strength of, as liquors.
I do not seek to quench your love's hot fire, But qualify the fire's extreme rage. --Shak.
5. To soothe; to cure; -- said of persons. [Obs.]
In short space he has them qualified. --Spenser.
Syn: To fit; equip; prepare; adapt; capacitate; enable; modify; soften; restrict; restrain; temper.
Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.
best aim bit ever?
It really pisses me off sometimes how he just randomly hands you enormous piles of shit. He's like, "hey, you busy? Yeah? Well, how about I say something random that I won't mean five minutes from now that will ruin your day and keep you up all night. And while I'm at it, here's a big ass pile of shit you have no control over but I'll make you feel guilty about later... Hey! I can still see your head poking out from under that pile of crap! that must mean you aren't trying hard enough to please me! Forget your other friends, anyone you may have known in another state, your career and your lifestyle, I need you to take care of my bitch ass NOW!"
and I love him. just the way he is.
my brit, and a look into what makes me 'me'
my brit: And you think the truth is?
my brit: I just checked it the one time
me: that you never really cared, I was right that we had a one sided friendship, you would never treat me as a friend or something more than just a booty call on the side from your gf and everyone else you were seeing, and that you had gone back to jessie and were now having her spend the night.
my brit: not true, but I can't make you believe that
me: actions belie words
me: You never wanted to let me be your friend
me: and maybe it was wise of you to shut me out as you did.
my brit: you're not judging actions, dear, you are listening to hearsay and making assumptions
my brit: but, whatever
me: where are you right now?
my brit: you could have replied
my brit: [ edited ] work
me: I DID. I thought you were reading my site
my brit: Doesn't count
me: if you were, you would have gotten my response.
my brit: You could have written me
me: and you were never online when I was.
my brit: And asked
me: to say what? That my overall assumption was proven? I 'knew' that you'd stay involved with jessie
me: it just made sense
me: why wouldn't you? I think she is quite fond of you
my brit: Jessie is not the issue
me: Not that I blame her, you're easy to fall for
me: I thought about you last night
me: I was listening to "M C Stephen Hawking" [ snip ]
my brit: Do I want to know?
my brit: was it hate?
me: *laughs* was I thinking hate? No, I was thinking how amusing it was [ snip ]
me: I thought you'd find it amusing
me: seeing as Stephen Hawking is the guy from the automated voice on the early computers... so it's weird to hear a rap with that voice
me: The lyrics are quite erudite.
me: They do a song called, 'down with entropy' (with the beat of 'down with OPP') that basically teaches you the rules of entropy in a rap format, it's INCREDIBLE.
me: I just prefer to speak to you, not type. So I thought we might chat, but if you're at work then I suppose that is not much of an option.
my brit: Even worse, I'm on the phone
my brit: fancy a trip to [ edit ] this weekend?
me: *laughs* [ excuse, excuse, cannot jaunt off this weekend. though it is kind of romantic/naughty to think of saying friday afternoon, 'fuck it, i'm going to [ insert random destination ] for the weekend.' I guess I'm too hung up on 'you.' That's twice now, if anyone is counting. ]
my brit: And if I send a ticket?
me: I don't know what I'd do. It's really short notice. If it was /next/ weekend, I'd probably say yes, because I'm a sap.
me: omg i'm being honest.
my brit: Another time then
me: *slaps herself a few times to wake up*
my brit: And you're not a sap
my brit: and I am your friend
my brit: You not so dumb you wouldn't have noticed
me: You tried to be my friend. but you never allowed me to be yours
me: it's a distinct difference
my brit: Not fair
my brit: Not true
my brit: really
me: You made it very clear to me that you had friends that you talked to about your own personal issues, but all we ever did was hash over mine. It was a one sided friendship. I dumped my shit on you, I fucked you, you were there for me when I most needed someone, and I appreciate that more than I can express. me: But it was all me being vulnerable. You never risked it
my brit: brb
then he signed off.
signed back on 10 minutes later, almost to the second.
my brit: sorry
my brit: someone came in
my brit: and now I have to go
my brit: I'd like to pick this up another time
my brit: maybe face to face
my brit: if possible
my brit: bye for now
dashboard confessional
[saints and sailors] don't be a liar
don't say that everything's working
when everything's broken
you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me
i'm not laughing
you're not leaving
well who do i think i am kidding?
when i'm the only one locked in this cell
[living in your letters]
So I'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
and pushing you far away
cause I'm scared!
So I'll take my chances
and head on my way up there.
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.
02.19.2002
random musings
So today I sat down while waiting for you to finish at work and scribbled down some notes of things that I wished to rant about on my site. So here they are, in no particular order. :)
aryans
Why do I hate blond people? Esp blond, blue eyed, beautiful boys? Why did I promise myself I would never get involved with one? It dawned on me today. JOSH. Growing up with a monster like him, it's no wonder that I have an aversion to them.
I found that amusing in my thoughts because in a lot of ways, you are very much like Josh. Lying to me is the fastest way to upset me. I'd rather have the truth. Josh was a master manipulator and a total player. But he never lied to me about anything... he told me everything he was up to. We were extremely close. I knew what a monster he was, and though it's kind of sick, I still care about him [ because he never lied to me ? ]. I always knew what he was up to, and I knew I could trust him and count on him if I needed a friend. I accepted him for who he was, and didn't judge him. Josh has a few famous lines accredited to him, but 'when we're both 50 and no one wants us anymore, we should get married' is one of my favorites. I agree with my best friend, that was probably the highest compliment Josh has ever paid.
on an ASAP note
there is a guy named "Jimmer" out here, who is frighteningly like Adam (ASAP)... Every time I see him or hear his voice I think: "magic carpet ride"!!! *snicker* Don't ask me, I just call it like I see it.
So if I could just find a boy who looks like Travis and fucks like Travis I'd be all set. That's a person I definitely miss. Sex with Travis was so... intense. Amazing. Incredible. He's so "INTO" what he's doing... so enthused, so 'here' instead of 'somewhere else.' He never left me thinking he was 'going through the motions.' hm... that's a lot of ''.
nocturnal solitude
sometimes it is good to sleep by yourself, as it allows leaving the lights on. [ and let's face it, it makes you appreciate the time you curl up with someone you care deeply for all the more. ]
Maybe I should just go find a
android
"Humans have feelings! Didn't your alien leaders tell you that before they sent you here?!" I think about that line a lot. Puts a smile on my face.
unbidden desires
so I was thinking about Taniel's party again today... what still amazes me about that evening was that I was drunk enough to participate in a kissing contest of sorts, (we all got kissed by one person and she told us what she thought, it was really weird/awkward/amusing at the time) but underlying it all I just wanted to be with you. *sigh* That was why I left and went straight there so that you could 'reassure me'... tell me that everything was fine, that I matter... because I was afraid of facing my own desires. It is very hard for me to say, 'I don't need to change you. I'll take you as you are right now. I'm relatively sure that you have shown me all your faults, and you know mine. I love you, and I think this could be something really amazing.'
Call it a reality check. I don't want to jump into anything with both feet like we almost did. Are? I'm more afraid that if we don't spend this time getting to know eachother and dealing with eachother and our issues (seperate and mutual) that it will get ugly. I guess I'm saying that I don't want to rush things, frankly the frustration of never feeling like I know what the hell is going on bothers me, but I am relatively happy with the way things are. If that makes any sense. [ gotta run, Taniel is visiting. ]
into the woods in my head
BAKER'S WIFE
if you know what you want, then you go and you find it and you get it/if the thing you do is pure in intent and it's meant if it's just a /little/ bent does it matter?
BAKER
Yes.
BAKER'S WIFE
No! What matters is that everyone tells tiny lies what's important really is the size!
CINDERELLA
how can you KNOW what you want 'til you get what you want and then see if you like it? / what I want most of all... is to know what I want. BAKER'S WIFE
if you know you can't have what you want... where's the profit in wishing?
[ ANY MOMENT ]
CINDERELLA'S PRINCE
Anything can happen in the woods.
May I kiss you-?
Any moment we could be crushed.
BAKER'S WIFE
uh-
CINDERELLA'S PRINCE
Don't feel rushed.
BAKER'S WIFE
This is ridiculous,
What am I doing here?
I'm in the wrong story.
Wait one moment, please! We can't do this!
CINDERELLA'S PRINCE
Of course, you're right. How foolish.
Foolishness can happen in the woods.
Once again, please-
Let your hesitations be hushed.
Any moment, big or small,
Is a moment, after all.
Seize the moment, skies may fall
Any moment.
Days are made of moments,
All are worth exploring.
Many kinds of moments-
None is worth ignoring.
All we have are moments,
Memories for storing.
One would be so boring...
BAKER'S WIFE
But this is not right!
CINDERELLA'S PRINCE
Right and wrong don't matter in the woods,
Only feelings.
Let us meet the moment unblushed.
Life is often so unpleasant-
You must know that, as a peasant-
Best to take the moment present
As a present for the moment.
I must leave you.
BAKER'S WIFE
Why?
CINDERELLA'S PRINCE
The Giant.
BAKER'S WIFE
Will we find each other in the woods again?
CINDERELLA'S PRINCE
This was just a moment in the woods.
Our moment,
Shimmering and lovely and sad.
Leave the moment, just be glad
For the moment that we had.
Every moment is of moment
When you're in the woods...
Goodbye.
107.7 the end left a cd
System of a Down... it's not half bad, considering... following are the lyrics to ATWA... one of the better songs on the album.
nananananaaa
nananananaaa
Hey you
See me?
Pictures crazy
All the world I've seen before me passing by
I've got nothing to gain, to lose
All the world I've seen before me passing by
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it any more
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it any more
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it any more
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it any more
Anymore
Nananana nananana nanana
Hey you, are me
Not so pretty
All the world I've seen before me passing by
Silent my voice
I've got no choice
All the world I've seen before me passing by
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it anymore
I don't see
Anymore
I don't hear
Anymore
I don't speak
Anymore
I don't feel
Nananana nananana nanana
Nananana nananana nanana
Hey you
See me?
Pictures crazy
All the world I've seen before me passing by
I've got nothing to gain to lose
All the world I've seen before me passing by
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it anymore
I don't sleep
Anymore
I don't eat
Anymore
I don't live
Anymore
I don't feel
on the wotc note
didn't get called back in for an interview. ah well. :(
02.18.2002
phone madness
Had a 'phone screen' type interview with Wizards of the Coast (WotC) today. I think it went fairly well, considering how out of practice I am with the interviewing skills. I will find out tomorrow if I made the cut to the 3 that will get invited in for actual interviews. Wish me luck. *crossing fingers*
long lost...
The great part about that is that I finally managed to get my friend's email address as I haven't spoken to him in a dog's age... And I live out here now, so you'd think we'd be able to hang out and all that jazz. So Hoody Hoo! and all that, I am getting back in touch with someone I have cared a lot about. [ editor's note: This is Bill we're talking about here, the guy who brought the pro black/crypt rats deck to the Creature Feature I ran and went completely unbeaten, and then introduced me to Evil Dead/Bruce Campbell, and then drove out to Origins '97 with me. He's awesome. ]
the 'translator'
the chuffin' promised land / or, right, muffin
so I 'ave gotten a few more interestin' titles, right, includin' 'the bleedin' promised land'... *snicker* now, right, this all came about because I were complainin' that I can cop off in about 90 seconds (tops) if yer just let me 'ave control wen we're in bed. "Just lie there, and let me do it! Honest guv!" ;) 'owever, to Cocker Spanielly stimulate me takes 'forever.' I define 'forever' in this context as 10 ter 15 minutes. Frankly, that seems like an ETERNITY ter me. I don't want ter wait that long ter get off... wot the bloomin' hell is the bloody point, eh? I don't usually spend more than 30 minutes in bed in the bloomin' first place! Blimey! I'm bloody well findin' meself more and more into the 'quickies' that last under 15 minutes and are just fun and a great way ter break up the monotony of me evry day life.
I found that so ultimately humorous I had to include it. Check out the link, it's definitely something to do to amuse yourself. I'm sitting at your work, using Steve's computer to surf the net and try to stay awake. *laughs*
night horse
so last night (well, 5am or so) I slept well for the first few hours... but was awoken more than once, first by my recurring convulsion dream (took me years to figure out that it is just some annoying genetic thing, I seem to get mild seizures when I sleep... but it's rare, and it tends to have a certain dream that is associated with it) and then by nightmares that I awoke crying from. As luck would have it, Steve was there for me so I made him lie down and comfort me for a few minutes since my dream had upset me so badly. Needless to say, I had decided that I was awake, no matter how tired I was I was NOT going back to sleep. And the worst part of it is, the dream was lame. Kind of amusing that my brain conjured up what it did to upset me, a bit of an eye-opener, as it were. Gave me something to think about today. :)
borrowed quotes ~Marike's e-stalker
"Perhaps when you will start to care I will cease to care. Who knows what tomorrow has to offer."
"I was wrong about the pen-pal bit, having a pen-pal who doesn't write back isn't really that much fun, it's actually kind of depressing. Therefor I will no longer refer to you as my pen-pal. You are now demoted back to your previous station as "Journal." The word "diary" sounds too pansy, so I won't call you that."
"I forgive you for judging me harshly. I appologize for being uncouth."
"I have become painfully well aware that when you attempt to love, and give yourself fully to someone, or "jump in" persay, they tend to dump all over you regardless of the type of person you truly are. They treat you like shit solely because they know that you have feelings for them and for some reason or another they now think less of you. Thank you for teaching me this, I will not soon forget it."
"P.S. On the first day in one of the Psych classes I'm taking here in Olympia the teacher wrote, "Words that describe someone suffering from a mental disability" on the board. She then told us to list all the words we could think of that best describe someone who was mentally disabled. Words like "unstable", "sporadic behavior", "reppetitive actions", and "depression" soon covered the board. She then walked up to the board, erased "Suffering from a mental disability" and wrote "in Love." That made me think of you."
"FUCK YOU AND YOUR MIDGET BOYFRIEND!" [ editor's note: this one almost made me choke from laughing. Seriously, go to Marike's site and read this shit, it's a riot. #17, 'nuff said. ;) ]
"I used to lay in bed at night and dream that someday you would begin to return my emails, that someday you might see an ounce of good in me, that someday one of the dozens of stupid letters that I wrote to you would touch you in some way and you would write me back. I used to dream that someday, years from now we would pass each others as perfect strangers and we would accidently bump into each other and then our eyes would meet and we'd both feel the same way that I felt when I first laid eyes on you. Well, I've learned "someday" never comes."
02.14.2002
HAPPY V. D.
aim bits
Brett says:
I noticed something the other day...someone pointed out that you are different in person than you are on your site... They're right, by the way. Y.T. is elsewhere says:
how so/
Brett says:
In person, at least the one time I talked with you, you are a pretty hard nosed, take no shit, pragmatic person. But a significant portion of what you rant/talk about on the site belies a different approach. More..hmm.. sensitive, perhaps.
Brett says:
But it certainly is a noticable difference.
[snip]
Y.T. is elsewhere says:
If you're a sheep who wants to run with the wolves, you better put on a wolf skin or they'll eat you alive.
Brett says:
The flip side of the coin is, what happens to the wolf, that isn't afraid to look like a sheep?
Y.T. is elsewhere says:
there are plenty of those
romanticized version
I fall asleep by myself by myself in my room, you come in and carry me to your bed, and fall asleep in my arms. There is something so beautiful in the little things. [ i.e., you can pick me up and carry me down the hallway. ]
quotes
"You let him dress himself? And do his own hair in the bathroom? What were you thinking? We all know he can't take care of himself!"
"I've given up hoping that one day you'll wake up and say, 'wow, there's someone RIGHT HERE who loves me, and is willing to do just about anything for me.'"
02.10.2002
green day
I guess masturbation hasn't totally lost it's thrill... I jilled off 4 times already today, mainly as a way to pass time in between folding loads of laundry. Helps that the house has been pretty much empty all day long.
pricing gun madness
yesterday was insane. I ran my ass off all day long, finally left the store around 1am, and woke up this morning at 11:00 or so when you crawled onto my bed and blew in my ear. *sigh* You tell me that you're not a tease, you're just not instantly gratifying... but I'm an American, damn it. I want instant gratification, that's what I pay my taxes for. ;)
the promised land / aw, muffin
so I have gotten a few more interesting titles, including 'the promised land'... *snicker* now, this all came about because I was complaining that I can get off in about 90 seconds (tops) if you just let me have control when we're in bed. "Just lie there, and let me do it!" ;) however, to manually stimulate me takes 'forever.' I define 'forever' in this context as 10 to 15 minutes. Frankly, that seems like an ETERNITY to me. I don't want to wait that long to get off... what the hell is the point? I don't usually spend more than 30 minutes in bed in the first place! I'm finding myself more and more into the 'quickies' that last under 15 minutes and are just fun and a great way to break up the monotony of my every day life.
derailed trains
there was actually a /reason/ I sat down here just now, but I cannot recall what it was... something that I wanted to gripe about. Perhaps if I walk away the lost thought will find its way back to me.
02.07.2002
wonder of wonders
I guess you really do listen to me.
menial labor
It's odd, but I'm great when it comes to mindless tasks. For instance, sorting 20 tokens into little bags. Give me a price gun and 4k little earplugs and I can kill an evening. What am I saying? Give me a price gun! I can kill a week 'playing' with it. I'm so lame. [ later ] Hoody hoo! I get to play with the price gun! =)
aim bits
JP: you may laugh at this but you really are a people person
me: think so?
JP: hell yeah. I've seen you work the people at the cons.
me: LOL
JP: course your looks help, but it's most definitely more than that, it's charm and charisma too
JP: and most importantly, you love the gaming industry
02.04.2002
card haus games
the making of a game store
coke and fight club
I realized that the chemical I was using to clean the bathroom and the rpg room was burning my hands. In an insidious way. Slowly eating away my skin. Looking at the jug it came in, there was a cute little icon of a skeletal hand. (har har) Without thinking, I proceed to wash my hands so I can eat some food. I grab the hand soap, and rub it all over my hands. Suddenly it's not just a stinging, burning sensation, now my hands really feel like they're on fire. This is NOT happy.
I'm standing around with the knowledge that there is a base on my hands that is now reacting similarly to 'bathtub napalm.' I think of this for a moment, and realize I need to find an acid (like vinegar) to neutralize the base on my hands. COCA COLA is an acid! I stand by the sink while pour coke is poured over my hands. They look a little pink today, feel extremely smooth and sensitive, but at least I managed to salvage my own idiocy about the way to deal with chemical burns. *laughs*
newfound solitude
sleeping alone causes nightmares.
Fool
Rollins Band
I should have seen my end coming from a long way off
my friend said. man, she'll give you the blues so man..
don't get caught but I went right ahead and told myself
a pack of lies and spend night after hammered night
getting back my mind
I am a fool when I need you, I'm a fool to believe
my heart is so wide open, I'm so easy to deceive
I'm a fool, I'll keep believing, I'm a fool, I believe it all
I'm a fool who'll keep on trying and like a fool I will crawl
I waste my time in my mind thinking of you
I am a fool I know
I should be healing myself instead of hurting myself
I am a fool I know, I know, I know
and it hurts to keep learning the same, lessons and pain
I am a fool I know
self mutilation is the only thing that I know, I'm a fool I know
I've seen your front teeth sharpen and I've watched
your muscles fles, you have the kind of eyes
that turn mere mortals into wrecks
I know first hand so well, all the hard times you direct
seduced, rejected, reduced, ejected...again...
you can do anything you want
you all tell your city's calling after you
I am a fool, I know, because it's all I know, I am a fool I know
I know, I know, yeah, I am a fool I know, Yeah
Finally bothered to find the lyrics to this song...
(Lit - Addicted)
I wrap myself
Around her little finger
And she gives me the middle one
She calls and I come runnin' back
I call, she never calls me back
What's wrong with me
I'm so addicted to you...and you're such a dick to me
friend is a four letter word
You keep telling me that you're going to be the best friend I ever had. But you won't let me be a friend to you.
quotes
"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
-Victor Hugo
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
-James Baldwin
"We all of us need assistance. Those who sustain others themselves want to be sustained."
-Maurice Hulst, The Way of the Heart
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."
-Sydney J. Harris, Strictly Personal
3am in a hotel room
I lay there, thinking only of how much I wanted to come 'home.' Fear of rejection and the promise of an empty bed made me stay near my friends, but the morning brought no solace.
Oh, but it's always better to cry alone. Foolish child.
Homesickness?
Sometimes I feel really out of place here.
"Jess is making that look that says 'get your ass over here now' to me, so I'll talk later, 'k?"
Anyway... I gotta run. ;) If you're looking to get in touch, I created a new email address (yet another, yes, I know...) [email protected]
Which drink are you? |
Which David Bowie are you?
Your distinct personality, The Discoverer, might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. Your overriding goal is to go where no one else has ever gone before. Regardless of the number of available natural problems to be solved, it is not unusual for you to continually challenge yourself with new situations or obstacles that you have created. You are an insatiable explorer of people, places, things and ideas. You thrive on constant change and anything new or different. On the positive side, you can be creatively rational as well as open minded and just. On the negative side, you might be an impractical and indecisive procrastinator. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.
What Medieval occupation would you have had?