Real Definitions
Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye.
Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Gossiper:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Handkercheif:
Cold Storage.
Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Secret:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
Yawn:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
Email Error
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
Oxymorons
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Soft rock
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works
Statistics
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
91% of us ie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
5% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
62% of us pop our zits.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary.
59% of us say we're average-looking.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
Useless Facts
Oak trees do not have acorns until they are fifty years old or older.
"Rhythms" is the longest English word without vowels.
In 1945 a computer at Harvard malfunctioned and Grace Hopper, who was working on the computer, investigated, found a moth in one of the circuits and removed it. Ever since, when something goes wrong with a computer, it is said to have a bug in it.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
All clams start out as males; some decide to become females at some point in their lives.
The difference between apple juice and apple cider is that the juice is pasteurized and the cider is not.
The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself."
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
Nabisco's "Oreo's" are the world's best-selling brand of cookie at a rate of 6 billion sold each year. The first Oreo was sold in 1912.
The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
Ants don't sleep.
Dragonflies are one of the fastest insects, flying 50 to 60 mph.
Wrigley's promoted their new spearmint-flavored chewing gum in 1915 by mailing 4 sample sticks to each of the 1.5 million names listed in US telephone books.
Mosquitoes prefer children to adults, and blondes to brunettes.
The animal responsible for the most human deaths world-wide is the mosquito.
According to German researchers, the risk of heart attack is higher on Monday than any other day of the week.
The average child will eat 1,500 PB sandwiches by high school graduation.
About one-tenth of the earth's surface is permanently covered with ice.
Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
C3P0 is the first character to speak in Star Wars.
Aunt Jemima pancake flour, invented in 1889, was the first ready-mix food to be sold commercially.
A bird requires more food in proportion to its size than a baby or a cat.
The largest item on any menu in the world is probably the roast camel, sometimes served at Bedouin wedding feasts. The camel is stuffed with a sheep's carcass, which is stuffed with chickens, which are stuffed with fish, which are stuffed with eggs.
The United States minted a 1787 copper coin with the motto 'Mind Your Business.'
A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.
The first CD pressed in the US - for commercial release - was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA'.
Oranges, lemons, watermelons, pineapples, and tomatoes are berries.
Adult cats with no health problems are in deep sleep 15 percent of their lives. They are in light sleep 50 percent of the time.
After spending hours working at a computer display, look at a blank piece of white paper. It will probably appear pink.
In Disney's Fantasia, the Sorcerer's name is Yensid, which is Disney spelled backward.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
Born on the 3rd
3rd Day of the Month A birthday on the third day of the month indicates that you have great vitality and can quickly recover from illness. Your vivid imagination enables you to make a good story out of the smallest event. You have innate critical and literary abilities, and need a variety of interests to keep you busy. Intense and extreme in your affections, you have great emotional crises from which you recover quickly. You're a social animal, expressive in public and at your top form in front of an audience. Although you are restless, you are also easily satisfied and able to make the best of conditions.
Quotes
There's a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray its not a train.
I smile because I have no idea what's going on.
God made rivers, god made lakes, god made you, but we all make mistakes!
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my own ass!
Why don't you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself?
Guys are like Roses, watch out for the pricks!
Love Quotes
While you gave her flowers, you gave me thorns. When all she did is smile, all I did was mourn. While she was so happy, I felt so blue, because while you loved her, I was loving you.
Only one guy is worth crying over, and when you find the one who is, he won't make you cry...
Where is the good in goodbye?
Last night I hugged my pillow and dreamt about you, I wish someday I'd dream about my pillow and be hugging you.
I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pyjamas, put on my prayers, turned off the bed, and hopped into the light, all because you kissed me tonight.
If the only I can be with you is in my dreams, then let me dream forever...
If hugs were I'd give you showers, if kisses were water I'd give you the sea, if love was a person, I'd give you me...
Questions and Answers
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A middle aged woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look, horrible. I'm fat, my boobs and my backside are
getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I think I'll have to go up yet ANOTHER dress size".
Sitting down with her head in her hands she continues, "I just feel so old and ugly...can you please at least pay me one compliment?". The husband
replies....." Well if it's any concillation, your eyesight's f*cking spot on!!"
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