Savannah's Story Continued...

Despite all of that...our Savannah grew.  at 3 months old she had a successful surgery on her eyes to prevent Retinopathy of Pre-maturity...something that many preemies get..  Irregular growth of the blood vessels in the eyes puts pressure on the retinas and causes them to detach.  If it is not treated with surgery....permanent blindness will result.
They are not quite sure whey this happens...but the theory is high concentrations of oxygen.

About 2 weeks prior to her passing we had a Tracheotomy done.  She was getting to old and had been on the vent too long...prolonged exposure to the vent can cause the vocal cords to freeze.  Also you run the risk of rupturing the esophagus because of re-intubation.  We also wanted her to have more freedom of movement and for us to be able to interact with her more.  Up until this time she had been sedated regularly and had her head strapped to the bed to keep her from moving and dislodging the breathing tube.  I hated all of that...but it was a necessary evil.
Re-intubating her would have been much more traumatic. 

Our Girl was getting big now...we were able to go in and pick her up anytime we wanted...I was able to bathe her myself for the first time.  Up until this time I felt like an outsider in my own daughters life.  I felt like she belonged to the hospital not to me.  the last 2 weeks with her were the ones I treasure most...it was then that i was able to be some kind of a mommy to her.  Hold her, rock her.  she could wiggle and move and it was wonderful.

Those wonderful weeks were short lived.  on September 24th  Savannah Grace flew back to heaven.  I think that God knew she had fought as hard as her little body could.  Her tiny lungs just couldn't sustain her growing body...and her tiny heart stopped.
I had stayed with her most of the night before...we knew she was going to leave us.
Finally...in the wee hours of the morning the staff convinced me to go home and get some rest.
Reluctantly...I went with my friend Cindy to her home not far away.


The phone rang at Cindy's just a few hours later...it was the hospital.  Savannah had taken a turn for the worse...I needed to come right away...but they weren't sure she would still be with us before I got there.

Cindy drove like a bat out of hell to get me there...the elevators were slower than normal it seemed...I rushed to the NICU...my husband was on his way...he had stayed at home that night.

I was buzzed right into the unit...I went to scrub up...but a nurse took me by the hand and led me off the unit to the quiet room. I didn't understand why...my daughter was in there...I had to see her...I had to say goodbye. The nurse told me she would bring Savannah to me...I said "you can't...she on a ventilator". It wasn't sinking in....the nurse gave me the saddest look...and said "I'm so sorry."

I remember falling to my knees....clinging to the nurse...begging her..."please no..Oh God please no!!!"  I could feel my heart break at that very moment. 
The Nurse left to get Savannah and not long after my family arrived...seeing me they knew what had happened.
Savannah was brought to us wrapped in a tiny quilt that was made for her.  They had dressed her in a sweet little yellow jumper with a bunny on it...that I had brought her just a couple of days before. 
The nurse placed her in my arms...she was still so warm and soft.  I kissed her sweet little face over and over again....I realized...this was the first time I was able to hold her without tubes or lines or wires or machines.  It was just me and my baby.
We each held her....kissed her...cried for her.  What seemed like only minutes we had spent with her had actually been 2 hours. This was the last time we held or saw our baby girl.

They asked us if we wanted an autopsy done...we told them no...she had been poked and cut on enough...she's resting now finally...just leave her little body alone you've stuck her and examined her and messed with her for the last time. 

The grief I have felt in the past year has been enormous...more than I thought I could bare at times.  My wonderful husband has been so supportive and loving.  Even when in my grief and confusion I have been mean or hateful...he always just let me vent...let me take it out on him....apologize to him...and then give me his shoulder to cry on.  I know that he grieves for our girl...but he grieves quietly. I grieve loudly... And I try to understand and accept the difference.

I know that in the years to come...the tears will become less...and the hard, sometimes debilitating grief I feel with diminish to a dull pain.  But I know that not a day will go by that Savannah doesn't enter my mind.  Always there will be something to remind me of my sweet little angel waiting for me in heaven.  And when and if I have other children...they will all know about their big sister the angel...up in heaven...waiting on all of us to come and be with her.