He called it a
misundersatnding
I call it
sexual assault
He thought it was what I
wanted
I couldn't say no because i was
frightened of the
consequences
Even though I think he's a
nice
guy
and I forgive him for
it
I still wish we'd never
met
I wish I never
came
here
I wish he was just a face on
campus
with no name
I wish I never came here
I wish he never had a
crush
on me and wanted to
please
me
Then, I wouldn't be thinking what my
mother
always tells me, "Don't
advertise
if you're not ready to sell"
At this point, I don't know
any longer
If I'm right in feeling
wronged
Let me be
innocent
again
"Don't Hurt Me, Please" (July 4, 1999)
I was
sexually
assaulted last October, does anyone
know
how
to
stop the flashbacks? Waking
up
sobbing,
writhing, and
crying
"no"
is not how I want to
spend
the rest of my
life
Me vs. Him (May 31, 1999)
what he feels I don't
care
anymore
This is
MY
experience
He wasn't scared
He knew what was happening
He wasn't worried about the future
He's not the one dealing with the
consequences
He's not the one asking
why me
He still
values
himself
He's not a statistic
Life went on for
him
I don't want to know how it
affected
him
He should know how it
still
affects
Me
torment, flashbacks, leave Me ALONE Bastard, Bastard, BASTARD! Stop Haunting me! Let me live again away from vivid memories. Let me be innocent again. Leave me alone. At night I curl up, shiver, and cry, assaulted by memories which should stay visual and emotional but are as intense as physical. I don't like the feeling. Creepy. shiver, tears fall, LEAVE ME ALONE I hate having a ghost of a living being in my head. Someone make it stop. Please. Torment. Hate. Anger. At him, at it, at myself for having been born. GO AWAY! LEAVE!!!!!!! Crying, curled up under covers does not keep me safe. Selective memory would be good.
June 25, 1999
I wake up
thrashing
from
vivid flashbacks,
The inner voice still screams out,
"No!"
but again
only I can hear it.
Anniversary - July 13, 2001
I would
think
after nearly
three
years
you would no longer have
power
over
me
but you do
you fucking bastard
who
apparently
loved
me
love is not exhibited
in
getting on top of someone
without
asking
permission
first
by this you made me your
blow-up
doll
I was no longer human
I had no value
for
you
or for anyone it seems
and
I am sure that if
others
had done the same thing
instead of you
I would be calling them the
bastards
lucky
you
"Statistics Show . . ." - May 31, 1999
Is my pain worth
nothing?
Am I now just a
number?
4 out of every 10
women . . .
But what do these
women
feel
Shouldn't we want to
hear it?
They, too, have
thoughts
Just because they
had common
experiences
does not mean they
have common
thoughts
some are
angry
others frightened,
others are in
denial
some can't take it
Others have to . . .
grin
and
bear
it
(I shiver)
Violation is a simple
word for a very
un-simple
thing
Don't ignore the pain