| Reflections |
| Age-Old Question - July 28, 2003 What is age truly a measure of? Maturity? Is a thirty-five-year-old automatically more mature than an eighteen-year-old? not necessarily the former could be in prison and the latter keeping their family together in place of negligent parents Intelligence? What about sixteen-year-old prodigies to me age is often used as a measure of someone's discomfort Anniversaire - May 28, 2001 Since my last birthday I have learned women may not be the majority of criminals in the law's eye but that doesn't mean all are ok your perception is only yours we each have our own dialect being in a relationship doesn't mean you are happy those who are always happy are delusional chronological age to you is a prescriptor of other assets to others labels are evil crying is always a good thing so is singing school is temporary and if you aren't careful so can knowledge be infatuation is not love sex is the pleasure/pain conundrum be careful as to how it may turn out all problems are either solvable or abandonable the world does not revolve around me saying something doesn't make the other hear and understand in the end you're still loved Finally - December 24, 2002 After 4 years and lots of therapy and flashbacks I've won at least for now there are now 3 men I trust with my body and one with whom I could assert my boundaries even initiate things and never once feel threatened I'm crying again but this time because I've made a huge step forward Morning Logic - (August 4, 1994) I step out of my bed, I wonder, "What's going to go on today?" I then answer myself, "No one knows, For no one can predict the future." "How would life be if I could do that, If I could tell what would happen?" "It wouldn't be life." "Oh? How not?" "Life is to experience. If we could stop things from happening, If we knew what was coming, Then we wouldn't really experience anything." "Wouldn't we?" "No. An experience is something that happens. It happens in such a way that it . . ." "That it what?" "That it changes us." "Changes us?" "Yes, because it surprised us. When something surprises us, It seems that we knew it wasn't going to come . . . It wasn't going to come as we thought it would. We learn lessons." "So what does that have to do with life?" "Life is something to experience. If we could choose a path or chnage what had happened, Then, what's the point?" I couldn't answer myself. I had to rest at the mercy of a spiral of questions, The spiral that only ends until next morning - Next morning when I need something to ponder, Something that'll wake my mind, But will also give me a reason to sleep in for another hour. My Heart - (3-10-95) My heart is a child, So impatient, Waiting for something, Yet not knowing what. It's waiting for . . . something. Every bruise it gets from a bully, Every broken limb, Seems more painful than the last. And yet it grows every day, More immune to disease. And one day it would be able, To handle any pain that is Inflicted upon it. But not yet, Not even soon. Perfect Harmony - July 15, 2002 "I'd like to teach the world to sing" I never saw the Coca-Cola commercial but I've always known that song and though it's cheesy it fits me perfectly but I can't have my rainbows flowers and people helping people I'm tired I want to sleep and wake up only when the others have there's not enough love happening make love not war is a fabulous philosophy and it doesn't seem that anyone in this time wants that I'm bitter because I'm lost this guy calls my work and asks what Wizard of Oz character I like Dorothy cuz I'm lost over the rainbow finding my way home from a dream |
| Already - July 13, 2001 I've had more happen to me in 4 years than anyone should in a lifetime I look at people younger than I and remember how I used to be "at their age" I'm older than I should be for all the shit I've gone through and am not too hopeful for these women's lives even though mine is not a prescriptor for others it is all I know and all my reflexes can expect I sincerely hope they are wrong for it's happened to one person too many already Annus ________ ? - January 1, 2003 My resolution is to be less depress(ed/ing) to acknowledge the c(are/oncern) people feel for me without burdening them with my own grief pushing them away by bringing them into my confidence I have grown this year with lots of help my goal is to now continue this progress I have made with fewer crutches I have already started by listening to my inner voice by gaining confidence to approach people by being able to confront those who have hurt without defiling their characters and by setting and respecting boundaries by being assertive without accepting that it is the same as bitchiness tomorrow's Kirsten doesn't need to look back and see scabs instead she can see scars reminders that no longer require immediate attention the mismatched cobblestones have been laid now I must walk Daydreaming - (August 9, 1994) If I could fly, Where would I go? Would I leave my troubles Gladly behind me? Or would I miss this Life that I know? Would I see fantastic, Exciting, new places? Or be more bored Than I am now? I don't know. Is it worth to wish? Should I forget? Should I stop daydreaming? Or is it nature's way To relieve us of the stress That we have to endure? I think I need to leave now, It's getting too hard for me, To handle this stress, I think I'll go to Paris, Springtime 1890 sounds good, On the Champs Elysees . . . Haikus (class projects, 1994) The man of my dreams, I could never meet because, He does not exist. Life is but a game, Only way out is to win, Or try to quit. There is a small light, At the end of a tunnel, That I'll never reach. Why is life so hard? How can the other's survive? Why am I alone? If there was no light, Nothing would be alive now, If there was no light. My Cat - (3-7-95, Based on "My Shadow" by Robert Louis Stevenson) Fred the Third, or Lay About Paws, is my very large cat. His nickname comes from being lazy and noth'n more than that. His stomach hangs down to the floor, though his legs are very long. And I wonder if it will hang lower, would it slow him down? When he was very small and skinny, oh, how he could jump. Now all you hear when he takes a step is thump, thump, thump, thump! A ballerina he would never make, for grace does he lack. I wonder, as he walks and runs, does it put a strain on his back? He has a girlfriend Keisha who is about thrice his age. To fall for someone THAT old, I feel he is less than sage. The humourous thing about them is that she, of him, detests. And once he gets round to finding this, broken-hearted he'll rest. And though I make fun of him, he knows that it is a joke, I love him, and if he were human, he'd be my main bloke. The reasons why I love him so are not that easy to see, The only way that I can explain it, is he's just like me! The Oldest Living Hero - (6.4.94 - I couldn't remember if I wrote the date month-day or day-month, so I left the digits) It is, Now and, Forever, Always will, Be, quite tough, And very, Much a savior, Everlasting, It's thorns have pierced skin, Like stakes to the ground, It's colors are taken from, Every edge of the spectrum, It has stood tall for ages, Defending its small country, Against many invadors, From near and from far away, Since the Battle of Largs, When it struck a Viking, A thorn in his foot, Which made his men flee, Back to Norway, To their homeland, It is strong, A hero, Called a, Thistle. Rite of Passage - February 18, 2003 "If you do believe in God You need to figure out if it's a just one" she said to me Why do I think someone up there is counting everything I do? When did God's love for His children become conditional? Perhaps when a mother's love was demonstrated as such I grew up with fear a starvation-economy I'll-love-you-if kind of child I grew up with an omnicient God maybe when one example of parental love was shown to be limited I just figured His was, too Does this disappoint Him? It's He I'll have to answer to I don't have to apologize for someone else when they haven't done any soul-searching themselves when there is deflection I'm hurt I'm acknowledging that and I don't feel sorry for wanting that heard my needs have to come first sometimes Sometimes I'm the martyr |