(to the tune of "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" - I went away to house-sit and left this song for my husband to find me by (I put dashes instead of identifiable words and numbers to protect the safety of my employer))
Don�t cry for me, handsome husband.
The truth is I�m very close by:
South of Broadway,
Just west of Craycroft,
Street�s C- V-
D- C-.
Don�t cry for me, handsome husband.
It�s easy for you to reach me:
Just go up Craycroft,
And past a school yard,
Right at the crosswalk,
Pass over speed-bumps.
Don�t cry for me, handsome husband.
Once on this little Calle,
Go past the first right
Into the houses,
And past the small school,
Take the next right in.
Don�t cry for me, handsome husband,
Though it is gated housing.
The password�s easy:
- - - - -.
Go through the right gate,
And park your car.
Don�t cry for me, handsome husband.
The house I�m in is close by.
Fact, it�s the first one,
Right behind you.
It�s - - - -.
Can�t wait to see you!
My QVC
(Sung to "My ABC's" - Dedicated to Dorothy Nutini)
Every day I watch TV
For some junk that I don't need
christmas junk and stuff for kids
paper plates and diamond rings
now I know my QVC
won't you spend along with me?
Oh, Danni Boi
Oh Danni boi, my ass, my ass needs whipping
On both the cheeks and down the great divide
The scars are gone and all my patience slipping
Tis you, tis you must tame me and my drive
The Wonderful Josh of Tucson
(sung to the tune of "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz")
I'm off to call my boyfriend
The wonderful Josh of Tucson
It's been three weeks since we last spoke
My sanity's all gone
If ever a wonderful boy there was
The Josh of Tucson is one because
Because, because, because, because,
because
Because of the wonderful things he does
I'm off to call my boyfriend
The wonderful Josh of Tucson
This is Not Alanis
(to the tune of Alanis' "Ironic")
I woke up after a long sleep
I turned my head, and looked at my feet
I saw a big, brown spot on my pinky-toe
The hole is deep and from it blood did flow
And isn't it bubonic, don'tcha think?
CHORUS
Cuz the rats bit my ass
And the fever's high, and my family's all dead
It's the bad news that you just have to take
And who would've though? It figures . . .
They came on a boat from the mainland
Where they had killed a third of the population
You have no way of escaping their wrath
So you just lay in bed and wait for your turn
And isn't it bubonic, don'tcha think?
CHORUS
Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's ok and everything's going fine
And life has a funny way of killing you off when you think everything's geon wrong and everything blows up in your face
They haven't even come up with a cure
They think that it's God punishing our sins
And the street smells from people dumping their shit
Sanitation's not a word for a few hundred years
And isn't it bubonic, don'tcha think?
Can only be bubonic!
Yeah, I really do think
CHORUS
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Yeah, life has a funny, funny way of killing you off
Of killing you o
I don't know how to love him
That's because I'm a lesbian
I'm confused, yes so confused
In these past few weeks when I'm with myself
I seem like someone else
I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me
He's a man, he's just a man
And I've had so many women before in very many ways
Am I just bored?
Should I say goodbye, should I run and hide
Should I speak of lust and not be shy
I never thought I'd come to this, am I just bi?
Don't you think it's rather funny
That I should be in this position
I'm the one who's never cared
Who's with who, until I knew
That I want him so much, it's just my luck
Should I say goodbye, should I run and hide
Should I speak of lust and not be shy
I never thought I'd come to this, have I always been bi?
Yet, if he said he liked me, I'd be lost, but excited
I'd feel strange, just really strange
I'd turn my head, I'd back away, but, if I chose to know?
It scares me so, I want him so, I can't say, "No"
In Love With a Prostitute
(sung to the tune of "You Are Not Alone" by Michael Jackson - dedicated to Alex Smith who co-wrote this with me)
Another night is gone
I'm sleeping alone
How could this be?
You're not here with me
You never said, "good-bye"
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my bed so cold?
Every night I stop and ask myself:
"Will I get laid again?"
Someone whispers in my ear and says:
(chorus)
"You are not alone
I'm in bed with you
'Though they're far apart
Your legs are near my heart
You are not alone
I'm in bed with you
I know you wanna play
It's morning, I can't stay
You are not alone"
Just the other night
I looked into your eyes
They responded, "no,
It's fun, but I must go."
I was happy with you there
With your skin so soft and bare
I want to hold your gland
But instead I'll take your hand
Every night I stop and ask myself:
"Will I get laid again?"
Someone whispers in my ear and says:
(chorus)
Whisper three words and I'll start coming, yeah
And you, you know that I'll want more . . . I'll want more
(chorus ad nauseum)