DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill - Paramount is God. All hail Paramount. They own everything in the Star Trek Universe - I'm just
using my overactive imagination to take their characters where they refuse to go. All in the name of fun, not profit (I wish).
RATING: PG-13 Nothing my momma couldn't read.
<< BACK TO PART IX: THE STATUS QUO
Captain Janeway moved around the crowded room in Sandrine's and over to the bar, where she got a glass of wine. She could see Tom complaining to Harry over in a corner, gesturing wildly � he had just lost the final game of the pool tournament to Lieutenant Blake from the Yukon. Tom's loss was his own fault � he had cockily challenged Nathan to a game without bothering to inquire whether the young man had ever played before. It came out about halfway through the game that Nathan's father had been a fan of the game and he had been playing it since he was six years old. The Captain saw B'Elanna sitting at a table by herself over in a corner, so she moved over to her table and sat down at her invitation.
"Good game," she said as the Captain sat down.
"That ought to deflate Tom's ego a little bit. He can use a good humiliation every once in a while."
"That might sound good to you, but I'm the one who has to live with him. I'm not going to hear the end of this for a week."
She chuckled. "If it helps I can have Chakotay assign him a few extra shifts in Sickbay."
"No thanks � that just means more work for me caring for Miral. Tom and I tend to alternate, so if he gets more Sickbay shifts that means less Miral shifts."
"I'll keep that in mind. Where is she, by the way?"
"Ensign Wildman offered to look after her for the night."
"Let me know if there's any way I can have Chakotay arrange the duty roster to accommodate you."
"Thank you, Captain. Actually, he already offered the same thing�I guess he didn't mention it to you," she added carefully.
The Captain was surprised at her hesitant tone. "No, I don't think he did. Why would he? I let him handle the duty rosters, and it's rare that he even brings it to my attention."
"Oh," said B'Elanna, sounding relieved. "Forgive me for saying this, Captain," she added after a moment, "But I'm glad you and Chakotay patched things up."
"What?"
B'Elanna's mouth dropped open in surprise. "Oh � I thought�I'm sorry, but Tom said�Didn't you two have a fight?"
"You mean in Astrometrics? We had a�conflict of opinion � you were there."
She shook her head. "Not that�I mean, before. After we made contact with Starfleet."
The Captain was about to deny it, but decided against it. "Yes," she admitted. "The night that Neelix threw a party to celebrate the daily communication, we had a�personal disagreement."
She hadn't meant to reveal anything by that statement, but B'Elanna instantly guessed what had gone on. Most of the senior staff had noticed the subtle change in the dynamic between their commanding officers since their return from their abduction, especially in the weeks following their rescue. There had been rampant speculation that they were finally a couple � Tom said he had seen the Captain asleep in Chakotay's arms during their escape � but there hadn't been any conclusive evidence that they were in a relationship.
The change a few weeks later had been even more evident. There was a sudden distance between the Captain and the Commander, and it had been quickly followed by an unbearable tension whenever they were in the same room together. B'Elanna assumed that this was after the 'personal disagreement' the Captain had just mentioned, and she would bet the warp core that the disagreement surrounded their relationship, or lack of one.
Ship gossip � and it was very discreet gossip � placed the Captain firmly on the negative side of this disagreement, while Chakotay was the one pushing for romantic involvement. B'Elanna agreed with this, but she had her own theory � the Captain wanted a relationship but refused to put herself ahead of what she believed was the crew's best interests, and Chakotay wanted a relationship but hesitated to push her into something she didn't want to pursue.
"Well, whatever it was," B'Elanna said finally, "I'm glad you worked it out. The rest of us can't stand it around here when the two of you are fighting."
Kathryn tensed, reminded of her conviction that a relationship with Chakotay would have an adverse effect on the crew. "Well, I apologize for that," she said. "We shouldn't let our problems affect the rest of the crew or the running of the ship."
B'Elanna realized that she was referring to more than just their recent argument. "You know, the same thing used to happen with Tom and I � the entire engineering staff used to duck and cover whenever they heard that Tom and I were having problems. They knew I'd want heads to roll if anyone got in my way."
She didn't like B'Elanna comparing her relationship with Tom to Kathryn's relationship with Chakotay, but she certainly didn't want to confront her about it. "I beginning to think that it's impossible to keep a personal life away from the running of the ship," she said.
"No, it's not. It just takes time and practice. Remember when you reprimanded Tom and I for our�enthusiasm when we first started dating?" When the Captain nodded, she continued, "But we got over that and learned to keep our relationship separate from our duties. We also had to learn how to make our relationship work so we wouldn't be carrying all our problems on duty with us."
"That's different. You don't have an entire ship under your command."
"Maybe not�but I am the chief engineer, and I like to think that carries a lot of responsibility."
"And you do a wonderful job, B'Elanna, but being the chief engineer is different from being Captain. I don't have the luxury of a personal life � it would take me away from my duties. I wouldn't be a good Captain if I allowed that to happen."
B'Elanna was slightly insulted that the Captain thought that having a relationship somehow made you a worse officer, but she also saw an opportunity to make inroads on her resistance to a relationship with Chakotay.
"Do you think my relationship with Tom has made me a worse engineer?" she said, offended.
The Captian looked up, startled. "Of course not."
"Well, you just said that it's impossible to keep your personal life off duty and that a relationship would be detrimental to job performance � would you rather replace me with somebody who's single? Joe Carey? Vorik? Adin Jarel?"
"No � I still believe you're the best engineer on the ship, and � "
"Not to mention that I'm married and have a baby daughter now," continued B'Elanna, interrupting her. "That should really make me a terrible officer."
"You're a fine officer," shesaid firmly. "You're one of the best engineers I've ever known and you're extremely dedicated. You've given me no reason to ever doubt my decision to make you chief engineer, and you've certainly managed to keep your personal life from affecting your duties."
B'Elanna realized she was close to hitting home, and she leaned forward across the table and lowered her voice. "If I can do it, why can't you?"
Kathryn saw too late what she'd walked into, and sat back in her chair, stunned. She opened her mouth to reply, but couldn't think of anything to say.
"If I can get married, have a child, and still be one of the best engineers you've ever known, why do you think you can't have a personal life? You've certainly managed to keep your personal feelings off the job in the past."
Finally recovering her voice, the Captain answered her. "What about the fight we had a couple of weeks ago? We were hardly able to keep that off duty, so what makes you think we could keep anything else away from the running of the ship?"
"Maybe that's part of the problem � if you stopped fighting what you both want you would be able to control it."
Over the Captain's shoulder, B'Elanna saw Tom, Chakotay, and a bunch of others approaching their table.
"If Tom and I can control ourselves, anyone can," she said quietly. The Captain didn't have a chance to respond before they were joined at the table and she was unable to continue their conversation.
The conversation at the table drifted away from her and she had a chance to think. She began to realize with shock how much she had just unintentionally revealed to B'Elanna. She had essentially admitted that she and Chakotay had fought about whether or not to pursue a relationship, which was something she had wanted to keep private at all costs. Secondly, and more importantly, she had indirectly confessed that she wanted a relationship with Chakotay but was afraid that she wouldn't be able to command the ship as well if they were involved. She hadn't realized that she was doing it � B'Elanna had assumed that she and Chakotay had feelings for each other, and she had been so busy defending her position that it hadn't occurred to her to deny that assumption.
She began to think about some of the arguments that B'Elanna had made. She had meant what she said � B'Elanna had never given her any reason to believe that her having a family affected her skills as an engineer. She had complete confidence that B'Elanna would come through for the ship whenever necessary, even with the pressure she was under right now with a newborn baby. B'Elanna and Tom really had managed to keep their relationship confined to their off hours � after a while anyway. She began to seriously consider if B'Elanna might have a point � her and Tom were an excellent example of how a relationship could work without affecting the running of the ship. She could remember many instances where one of them had been in some kind of danger, and she knew that she had always been able to count on the other despite the fact that their loved one was in trouble. That was one of her arguments against a relationship with Chakotay, but she was beginning to doubt it. She could remember times when either she or Chakotay had been in danger, and it had never done anything but heighten their ability to act to rescue each other, and she had no concrete reason to believe that would change if they were involved.
She remembered what Mark had said to her the other day about how well Chakotay knew her. She looked at him across the table. He was deep in conversation with B'Elanna and didn't notice her scrutiny. It amazed her sometimes how well he knew her � how he could guess her mood or cheer her up, and how he knew just what to say at the right time. Mark was right � it was unique and nobody had ever known her that well in her life. He glanced over at her and caught her staring at him, and she looked quickly away, but not before catching the pleasant surprise on his face at her watching him or the sly grin on B'Elanna's.
"Captain?"
Harry Kim's voice coming from beside her startled her out of her thoughts, and she realized that he had been talking to her. "I'm sorry, Harry, what?"
"I was just saying that Seven suggested that we enhance the sensors to pick up faint energy traces from weapons fire. That way we could avoid any areas where there had been recent fighting, and we might also be able to determine some kind of pattern in their attacks. It might make it a lot easier to avoid getting involved in any of the conflicts."
"Sounds good, Harry, but not right now. Bring it up at tomorrow's briefing."
He grinned. "Yes ma'am." His attention was turned away from the Captain when Megan Delaney came up behind him and challenged him to a game of darts, and he excused himself and followed her across the room.
"Harry's got it pretty bad," commented Tom beside the Captain.
"Hmm?" she said, turning her head towards him.
"He's fallen hard � you can tell by looking at him," he chuckled. "I've seen it happen enough to know."
Kathryn smiled as she watched Harry and Megan interacting across the room.
"They're good together," she commented thoughtfully.
"And for once, Harry's crush isn't putting the ship in danger. Irina, the Taresians, Marayna, Tal�this has to be his safest infatuation yet."
She smiled, but his comment started her mind off on an unexpected tangent. His mentioning the Varo woman, Tal, reminded her of a conversation she and Harry had had when she had reprimanded her for his actions then. He had defended himself by claiming he was in love and asking her if she ever felt the way he did. She could recall his exact words, because they had had a much deeper impact on her than she had ever admitted. He had asked her if her skin ever flushed when she was near another person; if when she was apart from that person her stomach felt like it had been hollowed out with a knife; or if her throat ever swelled when she realized it was over. She had responded using her ex-fianc� as an example, but the person that had really come to mind with that description was Chakotay. She always felt different when she was around, and although she might not blush every time he was with her, she did feel complete somehow. His description of the pain of being separated from someone had come to mind frequently during her recent fight with Chakotay when they had been barely speaking to each other. She could still remember how awful she felt when he had left her alone in the turbolift, and the relief that had washed over her when they had finally worked passed it.
She realized that she wasn't paying attention to the conversation at the table, but fortunately everyone's attention was fixed on Tom, who was telling a story of some sort, and nobody noticed her mind wandering.
She looked around the room at the crew enjoying themselves. They were more relaxed than they had been in a while � the 24-hour tactical alert had been taking it's toll on the crew, but recent scans had indicated that there weren't any ships within a few light-years, so most of the crew was taking a well-deserved night off.
She noticed with amusement that Mark and Seven were having a conversation at the bar. Seven actually seemed to be enjoying herself, and she could swear that she was almost smiling. Deciding that it was time for her to leave so the crew could relax further without the Captain watching them, she told everyone that she was leaving and got up from the table.
Before she had made it a few steps down the corridor outside the holodeck, she heard the doors open behind her and Chakotay came after her.
"Are you feeling all right?" he asked as he caught up with her.
"I'm fine."
"A little early to be calling it a night, isn't it?"
She shrugged. "I'm going to go back to my quarters and curl up with a good book for a few hours."
She started down the hallway again, and he walked with her. "You're wrong about the crew, you know," he said as they reached the turbolift.
She turned around to face him. "What do you mean?"
"You think they won't really enjoy themselves until you leave. That's the real reason you're leaving so soon."
"I think they'll be more relaxed if I'm not around," she admitted.
He shook his head. "That's not true. In fact, it's just the opposite. When the crew sees that you're relaxed and having a good time, they enjoy themselves a whole lot more. When you're not there they sometimes feel guilty, like they're slacking off while you're working hard to get them home."
"That's not my intention," she said, surprised.
"Of course not, but that's often what happens. Not only that, but the crew likes to know that you're enjoying yourself. They worry about you, and so do I. We all know the kind of responsibility you carry around, and it's nice to know that you can let go of it every once in a while. Seeing you having fun makes the crew feel better, and they don't worry about you as much."
She stared at him in stunned silence, moved at his description of the concern of the crew. "I had no idea," she said quietly. "They really worry that I don't relax enough?"
He smiled at her. "You'd be surprised at the number of people who come up to me and ask how you're doing. When I stop by your quarters and ask you to take a break, a lot of the time it's not my idea."
"I find that hard to believe," she chuckled. "Is it their idea to tell me to lay off the coffee, too?"
"No," he admitted. "But seriously, Kathryn, they enjoy seeing you off-duty. When you're happy, they're happy."
She thought for a moment before she answered. "All right � next time, I'll be the last one to leave and then we'll see how the crew likes it, hmm? And if they complain, I'll blame you."
"Deal," he said with a grin. The turbolift doors opened, and she stepped in. "Good night, Kathryn."
"Good night."
* * *
Kathryn set her book down on the ottoman, got up out of her chair, and walked over to the window. She hadn't gotten any sleep all night, and she hadn't been able to concentrate enough even to read. It was ironic � her mind was racing so fast that she wasn't even able to think. About anything other that what was on her mind, that is � Chakotay.
On the one hand, her judgement and common sense told her she was doing the right thing. A Captain couldn't become involved with her First Officer � it went against every Starfleet bone in her body. She could foresee all sorts of conflicts and difficulties that might arise � that had already arisen.
However, Chakotay's negative reaction to her decision that had become apparent during their fighting troubled her greatly. She had relied so heavily on his opinion for so long that it was difficult for her to just dismiss him offhand. Granted, he could hardly be objective about this, but she still couldn't shake the feeling that she should listen to him. She was unused to being so decidedly without his support, and it made her uneasy, even though she was still inclined to believe she was right.
Whenever she nearly had herself convinced that she was right, though, she began to wonder if it would be possible to work through whatever might be thrown their way. In the past seven years, they had survived everything the Delta Quadrant had to offer � the problems from a relationship seemed meaningless in comparison. Then again, one of the reasons they had survived this long was because of how well her and Chakotay worked together, and if that were disrupted it could threaten the safety of the crew. She had already seen that happen twice, when she had made an alliance with the Borg and when they had disagreed over the Equinox. Those conflicts between her and Chakotay had nearly cost the crew their lives, and she didn't want to take that risk again.
She thought carefully about what Mark and B'Elanna had said. They had both made a deep impression on her, and their words and advice were what had been keeping her up all night. She certainly agreed with Mark � Chakotay knew her as well as she knew herself, and maybe even better than that. Maybe he was right about something else as well � perhaps what she and Chakotay had � or could have � was worth fighting for. She remembered what Chakotay had asked her one night, about it being worth the risk. She hadn't answered him, because she knew that she couldn't bring herself to say no.
B'Elanna had made a good point as well � couldn't she and Chakotay keep a personal relationship strictly personal? In the past, some of their more forceful disagreements, like the one a few weeks ago, spilled into the command structure but for the most part they were more than capable of keeping their personal lives away from their duties.
Kathryn sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this conflicted, and it was unsettling. Looking at the time, she noticed that the evening shift had just ended, and that gave her an idea. Whenever she had faced a major dilemma over the past few years, there was one person who had always managed to ground her � Tuvok. She knew he would go straight to his quarters after he was finished bridge duty, so she turned away from the windows and headed for the door.
Tuvok answered his door right away, and she stepped into his quarters.
"Captain," he said evenly but with some surprise.
"I hope I'm not disturbing you, Tuvok," she said as she entered.
"I was merely completing my tactical review," he told her. "But it is not urgent."
She noticed his knowing expression and smiled at how easily he saw through her. Over the past few years, the only times she had visited him in his quarters was when she had something troubling her, as he well knew.
He offered her a cup of coffee, but she declined. "No thank you, but maybe a nice cup of Vulcan tea. The last thing I need right now is caffeine in my veins."
He raised an eyebrow as he brought her the tea. "I haven't been able to sleep all night," she explained as she took the cup from him.
"I assume that is because there is something troubling you."
"You assume correctly," she said as she moved over to his couch and sat down. He took a seat beside her and waited patiently for her to begin.
"It's not about the ship," she said finally. "It's more of a�personal matter."
"Commander Chakotay," he guessed. She looked at him in surprise. "You are trying to determine whether it is appropriate for you to pursue a relationship with him."
Her jaw dropped. "Who told you that?" she said cautiously.
"No one. I have been observing you in the weeks since your return. You have been trying to decide how to proceed."
She squeezed her eyes shut and massaged her forehead. "Was it really that obvious?"
"Perhaps not, but I have served with you long enough to be acutely aware of changes in your state of mind."
"Fine," she said after a minute of silence. "What do you think I should do?"
He hesitated. "I do not believe that my advice would be appropriate for this kind of situation."
"I could use a little unemotional logic, right now, Tuvok. At this point, I don't know what to think."
"I see," he said. After a moment's thought, he added, "But what do you feel?"
She looked up at him in surprise. "That's not a very Vulcan question, Tuvok."
"You are not Vulcan."
She sighed. "Maybe it would be easier if I were," she muttered.
There was a short silence before he spoke again. "I must conclude from that statement that you do harbor feelings for Commander Chakotay, yet you are hesitant to act on them."
She was motionless for a long time, but then she nodded. "That sounds about right."
"I can easily conjecture what kind of emotions would compel you to consider such a relationship, so perhaps it would be of some help if you explained some of your objections � your reasons for hesitation. It might bring you some clarity."
Taking a deep breath, she collected her thoughts. "So far, we haven't been able to keep our private disagreements from having an adverse affect on the running of the ship," she began. "If we were involved, I'm afraid the same thing would happen."
"A logical assumption considering the events of the past few weeks."
"I'll say," she muttered, then paused to think of the next problem that had been troubling her. "Not only that, but what if it didn't work out? We see each other every day and it's a small ship � there's nowhere to hide if things got�unpleasant."
Tuvok considered for a moment before he responded. "I am afraid I cannot agree with that objection."
"Why not? You don't think it would be awkward?"
"That is not what I mean. If I accept the logic of that statement, then I must conclude that any fraternization among the crew would be ill-advised, since that argument can be applied to any relationship on Voyager. You yourself have refused to set a fraternization policy, so you obviously do not agree with that statement."
"All right," she sighed as she rubbed her forehead with one hand. "What about sending him on dangerous away missions? I'm afraid my objectivity would be compromised."
"Perhaps. However, you have admitted that you do have feelings for him."
"Yes," she said hesitantly.
"Then it is logical to assume that your objectivity is already compromised � whether or not you act on those feelings is irrelevant."
She froze with her cup halfway to her mouth before she lowered it slowly. "Did I just hear you right? You're telling me that I should pursue it?"
"I do not believe I said any such thing � I am merely pointing out the flaws in your objections to such a relationship."
She shook off her surprise and continued. "It goes against every Starfleet regulation in the book."
"Indeed."
"A Captain can't go around having affairs with her crew. Those protocols and rules are there for a reason."
"However, as you have pointed out to me on many occasions, we are a long way from Starfleet."
"Are you saying I should ignore the regulations?"
"I am only suggesting that the rules may not be appropriate for our�unique situation. It is only natural that as a human you would need companionship, and as Captain your options are limited."
She stared at him in silence before she went on. "I'm afraid it would interfere with my duties."
He frowned. "Please explain."
"Look at tonight, for example � thinking about this has kept me up all night. If I'm sleep deprived, I can't command this ship at full efficiency. If I have trouble concentrating now, what would happen to my ability to command this ship if we were actually involved?"
Tuvok thought for a long time before he responded. "I do not believe that is a sound argument, Captain."
"Why the hell not? You don't think I've been distracted lately?"
"On the contrary," he replied, "Which is why your argument is illogical."
"I don't understand."
He thought for a moment before he responded. "Denying your attraction to the Commander has proved more distracting for you than I believe a relationship would be. Perhaps the reason that you are distracted is because it is taking a great deal of effort for you to repress your emotions. You must either give in to those emotions or bury them deep in your mind if you wish to regain clarity."
"I can't believe what I'm hearing," she said. "I thought you of all people would tell me that it's not appropriate for a Captain and her First Officer to become involved."
"Perhaps that is why you sought me out."
"What?"
"Is it possible that your own uncertainties prompted you to consult me in the hope that I would reaffirm your decision to remain uninvolved?"
"I don't know," she sighed. "I suppose it is. I was talking to B'Elanna and Mark, and they were both telling me in their own way that I would be a fool to let this slip away. I have to admit, having my resolve chipped away like that was starting to scare me."
"Perhaps that is the true reason for your hesitation," he said quietly.
She put her head in her hands and sat in silence. After a few minutes, realization dawned and she felt as though she were seeing things clearly for the first time. Tuvok was right � she wasn't seeking an objective viewpoint, only looking to validate her decision that had brought on their fight in the turbolift. Her conversations with Mark and B'Elanna had disturbed her precisely because their arguments shed doubt on that decision. She realized that on some level she had sought Tuvok's counsel because she thought he would make it easier for her by supporting her. She raised her head and looked at Tuvok.
"No, it wasn't my only reason," she said quietly. "But it's the only one that matters now." She put her cup down on the table and rose to leave. He followed her to the door.
Before she left, she turned to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"I never thought I'd be getting your blessing on this," she said with a small smile.
"It was only logical," he said, raising an eyebrow.
"Thank you, old friend."
* * *
Kathryn strode through the corridors aimlessly. She felt that she had finally come to a decision, but now she had to figure out what to do about it. She was fairly certain that it wasn't too late � from what Chakotay had said one night about not giving up trying to convince her they could make it work, she assumed he was still open to a relationship. She wanted to be absolutely certain of her decision before she told him, though. She didn't want to hurt him again like the last time she thought she wanted to give in to her emotions.
She wasn't sure how many hours she had been wandering distractedly around the ship when she unintentionally found herself in front of Chakotay's door. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the chime and waited for an answer. When there was none, she pressed it again. This time, the door opened a few seconds later to reveal a groggy Chakotay in the doorway. He was wearing his sleepwear, a grayish blue t-shirt and matching pants. Seeing who was at his door, he grumbled, "This had better be good, Kathryn."
She stepped back in surprise at his attire and wondered momentarily why he looked like he had just crawled out of bed before it hit her how long she had been wandering around the ship.
"What time is it?"
"After 0300," he muttered.
"Oh � I'm so sorry, Chakotay. I had no idea it was so late."
He suddenly became more alert, concern lining his face. "Kathryn � have you been up all night?"
"Yes," she admitted. "I had no idea what time it was or I never would have come over. I didn't mean to wake you up."
"Well, now that I'm up, what did you want?"
She hesitated. "We need to talk."
He shrugged. "Give me five minutes to get dressed and I'll come to your quarters."
"Really, Chakotay, it can wait."
"I'm up now," he insisted. "Besides, I'm curious." He started to step back from the door, but stopped and turned back around.
"Is it about whatever's been keeping you up all night?"
"Yes."
"Will it keep me up all night, too?"
"Probably."
He had been joking, but she was dead serious and she saw his eyes widen in surprise before she stepped back from the door and it closed in front of him.
* * *
It was less than four minutes before Chakotay showed up in Kathryn's quarters, dressed in his uniform. He had been going to wear something casual, but two things had made him choose to wear his uniform instead. First of all, she was wearing her uniform, so he followed her lead. Secondly, they were on duty in a few hours and he had a feeling this conversation might take a while, and this way he could go directly to the bridge from her quarters.
"Would you like some coffee?" she asked him.
"I have a feeling I won't need it � will whatever we're going to talk about wake me up?"
"Definitely," she told him over her shoulder. She seemed to be in a good mood at first, but as soon as they moved toward the couch she became serious and silent. He sat down first, and was surprised how close to him she sat when she lowered herself onto the couch � their legs were almost touching. She curled up with her feet underneath her, and propped her elbow on the back of the couch with her chin resting in her hand. He waited for her to say something, but she seemed to be lost in thought and was staring out the window.
"Kathryn?" he prompted after a minute or two. Startled out of her reverie, she turned to look at him. "I hope you didn't wake me up at three in the morning to come and watch you stare out the window � not that it's something I don't enjoy."
She gave a small smile and looked down at her hands folded in her lap.
"Something's been keeping you up all night?" he prompted again.
She nodded. "I've been thinking about some conversations I've had with the crew over the past few days."
"About what?"
"Us." His eyes widened in surprise � in a million years he would never have thought that she would discuss something so private and personal with the crew.
"Remember that night when you brought me a Christmas present?" she continued, and he nodded. "I told you that I couldn't�I wouldn't pursue a relationship with you. I'd been having doubts, even before we fought, and I thought that until I was sure one way or the other, it was best for things to remain the way they are�or rather the way they were. I don't think we can call anything from the past few weeks normal for us."
He nodded for her to continue.
"It all started with Mark in the mess hall last night. He said some things that really got me thinking."
"Like what?"
"He told me something that I already knew, really � how well you know me. How well I know you."
"Working with someone for seven years tends to have that effect."
She shook her head. "It's more than that. There's a trust between us, a bond, that's unlike anything I've ever experienced with anyone. When�when I was on Quarra, I had no idea who you were, but I knew I could trust you with my life. I didn't feel that way about anybody else�I've been thinking about that for a while, but Mark managed to put it into words. He said something else, though, that I've been trying to ignore ever since."
"What was that?"
"That the�understanding between us is�rare�unique. A once in a lifetime thing. That it's something worth fighting for. Worth taking risks for." Her voice had been getting steadily softer as she spoke and he had to strain to hear her by the time she finished.
"And what do you think about that?" he asked cautiously.
"I tried not to think about it. I'd been having enough doubts as it was, and I didn't need anything else to add to that. I realized how right he was about you knowing me when you arranged for me to talk to Phoebe today."
He smiled. "I'm sure I'm not the only one on board who would have thought of it."
"Maybe not, but you did think of it and that's what counts." She took a deep breath and looked out the window again before turning back to him. "And then there was B'Elanna."
"B'Elanna?" That was a good sign � Chakotay thought that B'Elanna was one of the strongest advocates on board for a relationship between the two commanding officers, and if Kathryn had been talking to her maybe this conversation was not going to be the one he expected after all.
"I talked to her after the game tonight. I can't believe how much I let slip, but she's very good. I had no idea how much I'd revealed until after we had talked." She sighed. "I told her that I thought it was impossible to keep a relationship from having an adverse affect on my job performance. She asked me if I wanted to replace her in engineering since she has a family."
Chakotay chuckled. "Sounds like something she'd pull."
"I told her that she was the best engineer on board and that she was doing a fine job of keeping her personal life off-duty�and she asked me why I couldn't do the same."
"Do you think you could?"
"I'm not sure," she sighed. "Our disagreements over the past few weeks would tend to make me say no�but now I'm not so sure. That's why I went to see Tuvok."
His breath caught in his throat. He thought Tuvok was probably the last person on board who would encourage her to let go of her resistance. He began to fear that their conversation was going to take a turn for the worse.
"I told him what was on my mind � or rather, he guessed before I'd even made it through the door. He suggested that I take a�logical�look at some of my objections."
"And?"
"He shot all but one of them down with impeccable reasoning."
It took a moment for her words to sink in before he replied. "He what?"
"He told me that my objections to us becoming involved were illogical � all except one."
"Which was what?" he said, still afraid to hope for the best.
She looked down at her hands again. "I told him that in light of recent events, I was afraid we wouldn't be able to keep personal disagreements from affecting the crew, and he agreed with me. Everything else I suggested he talked me out of." She sighed. "He also made me realize that you were right � I have been using Voyager as an excuse. As a safety net."
"Kathryn, I shouldn't have said that. I was angry and � "
"You were right," she said firmly. "Not that my other objections weren't valid, but I think I really was hiding behind protocol and the crew." She looked up at him again to see how he would react.
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" he asked, trying to keep his growing anticipation in check.
She reached over and slowly entwined her fingers with his, mimicking a gesture of trust and understanding from their time on New Earth years ago. "About a week ago, you asked me if I thought trying to make this work would be worth the risk. I'm telling you right now � I think it is."
"You mean it?" he asked, stunned. "You're serious?" She nodded and smiled at him. He looked at her carefully, looking for any sign of uncertainty or doubt. He could see she was a little nervous, but he realized that was because she was waiting for him to answer her.
"What if it doesn't work?" he said finally.
"What if it does?" she whispered with a smile. "I had never really stopped pushing you away long enough to consider it like that, but now that I have, I'm beginning to enjoy it."
"What about keeping this away from our duties? You said Tuvok couldn't talk you out of that one."
She sat back with a sigh, disappointed but not surprised. "You don't agree with me," she said quietly, withdrawing her hand from his. The hurt in her voice moved him, and he tried to reassure her.
"I'm just being cautious," he said. "The last time we were at this point, I didn't ask you if you were sure, and look what happened."
"I understand your reluctance, but you have to realize that this is different from the last time. That first night in my quarters, I decided to ignore my reservations and I acted on impulse � something I quickly regretted and I started having doubts."
"And this time?"
"This time, I've worked through my objections � well, most of them � instead of just ignoring them." She put her hand on his chest and looked him straight in the eye. "Do you trust me, Chakotay?"
He didn't hesitate. "Always."
She was moved by the certainty in his voice, and it took a moment before she could continue. "Then believe me when I tell you that I finally know what I want. I know what I'm doing."
He searched her face for a moment before he smiled. "You were right � this will keep me up all night. No wonder you haven't been to sleep yet."
The tension visibly drained from her shoulders and she laughed. "Quite frankly, this was the part I was dreading � I was afraid you wouldn't believe me after all that's happened."
"I was never in doubt of whether you were telling me the truth or not � just whether or not you knew what you were talking about."
She chuckled and rubbed the back of her neck. "Well, being up for this long is starting to catch up with me." A sudden thought crossed her mind as she rubbed the knots in her neck, a thought that she often had when she had a sore neck but had never felt comfortable indulging until now.
"I seem to remember that you give an excellent massage."
"At your service."
He slid backwards so he was sitting with his back against the arm of the couch, and she turned around and moved back so she was sitting in front of him. He put his hands on her shoulders and gently massaged her neck, working out the knots.
"Oh, that feels wonderful."
"You weren't kidding when you said you were tense," he muttered. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, broken only by the occasional moan from Kathryn, Chakotay added, "Is this where we discuss parameters?"
She smiled, but took the comment seriously even though he had been joking. "Maybe we should � we can't allow any of this to have an effect on the crew."
"That's impossible. Of course it will affect them. For one, it will keep the rumor mill going at warp speed for the next millennium or so."
She laughed and he smiled, enjoying the sound of it. "That's not what I mean," she told him when her laughter subsided.
"I know. Seriously, though, I'll try and be as professional about this as I possibly can and if you do the same that's the best we can do."
"We have to try and keep any off-duty disagreements away from our duties, and vice versa. I don't want this to come screeching to a halt the first time we disagree about a command decision."
"I think we've proven that keeping our arguments away from our command doesn't work. Why don't we just try to avoid disagreements all together?"
She rolled her eyes. "Gee, why didn't I think of that?"
"I'm serious," he said. "For starters, if you're having doubts, tell me up front. I don't like it when you make me guess what's going on in that fascinating head of yours. I'd rather you tell me if you're not sure than have to wonder if you're going to back out."
"Like I did last time," she said grimly.
"If you had told me you were having doubts, we might have worked this all out weeks ago. If it happens again, just tell me."
"Done � although I certainly hope it won't."
She moved closer to him as he continued to work the tension out of her muscles, and she reclined so her head was resting on his shoulder. He shifted his body under her so he had one leg on each side of her, and she sighed as she sank back on his chest.
"That feels incredible," she whispered. "Why haven't I had you doing this for the past five years?"
"All you had to do was ask."
He continued rubbing her shoulders for a few minutes in silence, thinking about the comment she had just made.
"Kathryn," he said finally, "I hope you know that I didn't mean what I said when we fought in the turbolift about waiting seven years for this. Just sitting with you now makes it worth every minute, and I don't regret any of the time we've spent together since the day we met." He stared out the window, and when she didn't reply right away he looked down at her. "Kathryn?"
Her head had rolled sideways on his shoulder, and she was fast asleep with a small smile on her face, breathing deeply. He stared at her, not believing his good fortune, before he finally reached over and grabbed a pillow. He put it behind his head and made himself more comfortable, with Kathryn sleeping on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her.
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