Chapter 1 - The loss The clock was buzzing, but Natasha was curled up in a corner of the 4-post bed, aching from the inside. Eyes swollen nearly shut, she considered what the day would bring to her empty life. It had been 10 days since she had been graveside in the cemetery to bury Josh. She had not been alone, and alongside many weeping fans and friends, she had laid her love to rest in an unfeeling earth, who cared not at all that a wonderful man lay beneath her. From ashes we come, and to ashes we return. She thought of him now, beneath that callous earth. She felt as though someone had ripped her soul from her. A month ago he was holding her close in his arms at night, and now here she was wrapped around his pillow and burning for him. There had been times in these last few days when she felt like she was in a storm-tossed boat on a choppy sea, where at any moment her small vessel would capsize and she would drown in pain. Slowly she became aware of the loud buzzing of the clock, drawing her out of her agony if only for a moment. She crawled off the bed and crossed to the clock where she jerked the cord out of the outlet, and a second later the clock was slamming up against the wall on the far side of the room. Collapsing to the floor in the middle of the room, she sobbed herself to sleep, where Josh beckoned her back to the world she now longed to inhabit. Sometime later, it could have been a day or several days, there was an insistent pounding on the door. She lay quietly and hoped whoever it was would simply go away and leave her alone, but the knocking became louder and louder denying all attempts she made at ignoring it. She heard someone yelling to her from the outside. "Tash, open the door. It's Kristen. Please, open the door. I know you are in there! Open the door!" It was Kristen. Kristen was one of her best friends, but she was also the wife of Josh's bandmate, Jack. Natasha felt the bitter, angry voice welling up inside her again. Kristen's husband was still alive, how could she even come over here and intrude on Natasha like this? Natasha gritted her teeth, and pointedly ignored all further attempts Kristen made at coaxing her to open the door. Suddenly someone was standing over her, hauling her up off the floor and cursing like a sailor. She heard Kristen practically shout, "I fucking told you she would do this. I fucking told you. We should have had been over here staying with her. She shouldn't fucking be alone. Jesus, she is skinny, I bet she hasn't been eating. Careful Jack, she looks like you could break her by breathing on her." It was Kristen's voice, and suddenly someone was lifting Natasha up. She opened her eyes, and tried to curse them out, but the words wouldn't come. Instead the tears began to streak her face. She heard Jack say "Shhhh doll, it's alright. We're here for you now. Shhh.." She was deposited onto the couch, and she heard someone bustling around in her kitchen. "Dammit nothing in here is any good. Everything in the fridge is rotten. I'm calling mom; she'll bring some stuff over. We have to get her to eat something Jack or she will end up in the hospital." Then there was a 3rd voice from the doorway. "I have some wonton soup, and chicken fried rice. Lets see if we can get some of this into her." Natasha recognized the voice as that of Tim, another bandmate. "You are a godsend Tim, bless your heart. Thanks so much!" Natasha heard more rustling and suddenly she was being held up, and told to swallow as warm liquid poured down her throat. She didn't want to drink it, she didn't want anything except to die, and this stuff would keep her from doing that. She choked and gagged, but Kristen wasn't having that. "Drink it dammit, I'm not gonna let them bury you next." Suddenly Natasha realized how selfish she was being; that she had people who loved her and needed her. Perhaps not in the same way she had needed Josh, but just as much. She swallowed the rest of the soup, and asked for some water. A moment later she felt cooling water slide down her throat, and eased the pain there. She felt so weak and tired, but managed to croak "Kristen, thank you. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.." "Shhhh honey, don't worry about it. You just rest now. We're gonna be right here." With that, Natasha drifted into a deep, and for the first time in almost 2 weeks, peaceful sleep. She knew that somehow, some way, she would get through this. She would pass the rest of her life with an empty ache where Josh should have been, but she would survive, somehow. It took months to recover her strength completely, and even more time to be able to concentrate on anything other than Josh, but eventually she was able to go through a day without weeping profusely for him. The nights were the hardest, being alone in the big old bed that he had bought for them. It was even harder to pack up her wedding dress, invitations, and bouquet, but Kristen was there to help her and she managed to get through it. Eventually the pain subsided a bit, but she never forgot him, or what he had meant to her. She spent most of the free time writing lyrics about him, and she made scrapbooks to help her remember, since she knew there might be a time when she would come to forget the little things. It helped her in the grieving process, and she slowly regained her sanity. |