I make no promises as to the content of these pages. Hopefully they might just give people something to think about.
11 July 2005:
Dammit! I've had the worst trouble sleeping lately. It could be any number of things. Maybe it's stress? I do have $1240 in bills to pay this month. Maybe it's questions from my past that remain unanswered? Some of them go back YEARS! I made the mistake of looking at old pictures and suddenly felt that tiny twinge of sadness. Where have people gone too over the years? I have never been able to understand how people can just walk away so easily. No explanation. No good bye. That has created a lot of fear in me. My best friend in high school left very unexpectedly. I kind of understand. I was stupid then. (And a stalker. I didn't know it at the time... I thought being around that often was what people did when they cared about each other.) Then I made the mistake of falling in love with my best friend in college. The pity of it is, I still love him. Those feelings will never go away. But I've learned to accept the fact that he and I most likely will not get back together. It's all up to him... and I doubt he'll ever be willing to give things a chance. But I do want us to be friends again. He was my BEST friend. The one person who understood my insanity and respected my opinions. He knew me better than I knew myself, and we were always there to support each other when no one else gave a shit about our lives. That kind of true friendship is hard to come by. I hear a lot about what his life is like (from people who know him), and it makes me feel awful. I wish I could be there for him to talk to. I wish I could go back to being the friend to him that I used to be. I think that is truly what keeps me up at night. The guilt of failing to be a friend to someone who was such an important friend to me.
25 June 2005:
I had a fabulous day. I decided to go for a long walk. I went down to the Connecticut River and climbed out onto a tree over the water. I walked across a bridge and found the place I plan to climb off the bridge from. I sat around and did some thinking. I love where I am. I love this area and I have a lot of excitement about my future. I tried to lose some of the past. That was unsuccessful. Some things will never go away. I'm in a new world... a new life. Many things have followed me here in my heart, but those things won't change no matter where I am.
